Do you talk to friends about the dark side of parenting?

[momtoS]

Just curious....if my life stinks or people just don't talk about that bad things about parenting.

The screaming/whining/fighting/NON stop mess/never having a minute alone/no hobbies/no social life/ no life/ the mess/ the fighting/ the non stop noise/ etc.

I would love an hour.....a tub, no noise, no kids. Even once a month.

[One_Girl]

I talk to my friends about the good and bad things about parenting, but it isn't every conversation. We don't offer each other advice to each other, just I've been there statements and empathy. I don't think you are alone, even with an older child I still feel like I want some time alone with no child around.

[NYCVeg]

Absolutely. We talk about the good and the bad. In fact, I've had friends tell me, after they've had their own kids, that they were glad I didn't sugarcoat parenting when I talked about it!

[L J]

Yes, absolutely! My best friend and I spend long hours at night talking about the awful things. Our boys are close in age, and I think we have saved each other unjust amounts of stress many times by being honest about our childrens' behavior. Its always so reassuring to just know you aren't alone. We can say things to each other that we can't exactly say to other members of our "inner circle". Husbands, ours anyway, just don't get it. They spend looong hours at work, and do very little hands on child care. They leave early in the morning and come home just in time to give a kiss goodnight. So, they just don't understand. Our moms haven't had small children in so long, they have forgotten a lot of the bad.

I have other relationships where we aren't so honest with each other. We gloss over the bad and only talk about light things. But, I am thankful every day to have a real friend I can talk to about "the dark side".

I have found that the other mamas at work are usually pretty honest. Its a lower income "class" and no one is at all "crunchy". Just real moms, doing the best they can with what they have. There are several of us that sit on the porch at night, at closing (restaurant) and talk about our kids, and the trials we have had during the week. I see a lot of honestly among this group, and I'm glad to be a part of it. We have lots of young, pregnant moms to be come and go, so its nice to know we are sharing with them the reality of parenting, even when its not all cute clothes and cooing babies.

[momtoS]

I really love my kids. But feel trapped. And totally touched out.

None of my friends really talk about it, and if I brought up the subject I would probably start crying....

[EdnaMarie]

Definitely! It is the one thing that helps. When I vent here I feel so misunderstood, people say I sound angry, mean, etc. but in real life they see how I am with my kids and how much I love them and at the same time how frustrating it can be. I'm really lucky to have found a park with a lot of ladies with kids in the same age range.I have found that the other mamas at work are usually pretty honest.

Its a lower income "class" and no one is at all "crunchy".

I am the dirty hippy in my group! And we are all equally poor, but from working-class families in three countries. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have them.

I really love my kids. But feel trapped. And totally touched out.

None of my friends really talk about it, and if I brought up the subject I would probably start crying....

Talk to us about it. I won't judge you, anyway. I've been judged to death recently and I don't have it in me. It's okay to cry. I posted recently that I've done some of the hardest non-physical work there is, and I know many nurses and doctors, and they all think parenting is harder. It is HARD!

[pianojazzgirl]

Yes, my friends and I definitely vent to each other about the difficulties of mothering.

[Joyster]

Oh my goodness yes! We're each others sanity blankets. We all know each others kids pretty well too, so we can often offer up a tip, or at least comiseration.

[St. Margaret]

We do! We started as a new mom's group, though, so we had an established habit of working through the tough parts, with partners, with babies, with adjusting to it all... we definitely vent but try not to just get together and complain about life the whole time, either. We comiserate, which helps SO much, knowing you're not alone, or getting support from people who won't tell you to CIO or what have you, and then we also have fun and inspire each other, too But we certainly don't all get together and act like we're perfect and fine, all fake like. I know people like that, but they are family, not friends

[chicoandthemama]

I don't know anyone IRL who parents the way I do, so I keep most of it to myself. It's hard, but my husband is 100% on board with our choices, and for that I am very grateful. In my son's first year, when sleep was terrible, I would say to anyone who asked how it was going that I thought people were brainwashed at the birth of a first child to automatically say "but it's so worth it!" when I couldn't yet say that it was...even loving my son wholeheartedly...
I think that's why I come here. This is the place to commiserate, learn, support and be supported.

[mama1803]

Originally Posted by chicoandthemama

I don't know anyone IRL who parents the way I do, so I keep most of it to myself. It's hard, but my husband is 100% on board with our choices, and for that I am very grateful. In my son's first year, when sleep was terrible, I would say to anyone who asked how it was going that I thought people were brainwashed at the birth of a first child to automatically say "but it's so worth it!" when I couldn't yet say that it was...even loving my son wholeheartedly...
I think that's why I come here. This is the place to commiserate, learn, support and be supported.

This is me too. IRL my friends are mostly mainstream. They don't AP. So when I would complain about being tired their response was always "then you need to let your kid CIO". Trying to vent about sore, leaky boobs always garnered the response "that what bottles and formula are for". So unless I'm here or with someone that I know breastfeeds or doesn't sleep train, etc. then I usually keep my mouth shut.

I think it's great if you can find someone IRL who, even if they don't parent the same way, can respect your choices and just let you vent. Unfortunately, any complaints of mine were met with responses of how "wrong" I was doing things.

[Tigerchild]

I tend to be a "don't air dirty laundry" type of person (in the sense that I don't complain about the family unprovoked/in a gossip sense).

However, if someone asks me how I feel about x, y, or z or what it's really like, ect--I always ask them if they want the honest answer or the smalltalk answer. If they say honest, I am...honest. And if it's a smalltalk-only situation (DH's work party, some person I've never laid eyes on before, ect) and they're only making shallow convo, then I don't offer that option and go for the smalltalk answer unless I'm PMSing.

[Baby_Cakes]

I'm always afraid that I come off as unhappy to my girlfriends when I complain or vent about the hard parts. Especially to the ones who don't have kids. That said, I do sometimes mention that I'd like a break, or that DD has been a handful lately, or that I would love to have the freedom to just sit and watch a movie with DH, etc.

I try to downplay the bad and play up the good. It's hard to, especially when I'm stressed and just want to cry or scream. But on the other hand, I love my daughter and wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's, and wouldn't want to give the impression that I would either.

So I guess I just try to find a balance?

[MissNo]

I vent. If I didn't, I'd explode. It is difficult to vent on the internet, because people can't always gauge my tone. I have some good friends that might not parent in the same way, but that doesn't mean we can't share the good AND the bad/whiny/difficult.

[mrspineau]

I don't. With my husband, yes, but really only on a really really really bad day. We tried for three years to concieve and we really try and just be thankful that we have our son and a little girl on the way. It's not that we don't have bad days, I think every parent does, but I also wanted this very badly and knew what it was going to mean. So many parents have lost their little ones and I think focusing on the positive is really important, and can also make you feel better about the negative as well.

[Ruthla]

I've vented with friends who are also mothers, and we've helped each other through some of the tough times. I had experienced moms there for me when I was a new mom and overwhelmed, and I've done the same for others.

I've never vented to non-parent friends about parenting- I really don't talk about parenting to people who don't have kids- conversations usually turn to something else.

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by momtoS

I really love my kids. But feel trapped. And totally touched out.

None of my friends really talk about it, and if I brought up the subject I would probably start crying....

Have you read the Hidden Feelings of Motherhood? This helped me a lot.

[meemee]

i did when dd was younger and i got no breaks - as a single mom. i realised i had to find ways to take care of myself without physical separation from my dd. and i did.

but its sad. in my circle most moms are more aware of the dark side, rather than the bright side. they love their kids. dont get me wrong. but the parents rule the roost. they dont see the kids as individuals.

i guess for me i am so grateful for my dd. i dont know if i could have survived my marriage breaking down so 'easily' as i did with my dd. she kept me going. she called me on my 'mistakes'. even as a newborn she knew when i had reached the bottom of my well. when i could go no further she 'behaved', or slept, or didnt fight me.

in a sense when i had to go to work, i would tell work - oh this is not work for me. this is vacation. work is when i get home. and yet not.

[Linda on the move]

I think moms get more honest as their kids get older. When they are little a think there is a powerful societal message that you are supposed to be glowing all the time, but eventual (before they become teens) it becomes more accepted to say, "I really love my kids, but ______________" and just say whatever it is that is getting to you that day.

Originally Posted by momtoS

I would love an hour.....a tub, no noise, no kids. Even once a month.

Find a mother's day out, or tell your DH it's time he learn to take the kids out all by himself. You deserve a break, and it's time to get regular ones. At least once a month!!!

[Tway]

Oh my lord, YES! Thank goodness my friends are open and honest about their trials and tribulations. They make me feel so normal. And because their kids are a little older, they tell me "this too shall pass" and I truly believe them. Well, mostly...

How wonderful to have friends who understand! I can't imagine life without them.

And the vast majority of my friends co-slept/breastfed/put their kids first. So that's helped me a ton as my intuition feels the same. We're not identical in our mothering, but we're open and we help one another live the good times and get through the bad.

In fact, I have one friend whose mothering instincts are completely the opposite, and I find myself drifting away from her more and more.