Do you talk to friends about the dark side of parenting? - Page 2

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

I tend to be a "don't air dirty laundry" type of person (in the sense that I don't complain about the family unprovoked/in a gossip sense).

However, if someone asks me how I feel about x, y, or z or what it's really like, ect--I always ask them if they want the honest answer or the smalltalk answer. If they say honest, I am...honest. And if it's a smalltalk-only situation (DH's work party, some person I've never laid eyes on before, ect) and they're only making shallow convo, then I don't offer that option and go for the smalltalk answer unless I'm PMSing.

This is how I am. But when I was pregnant, none of my friends who had children would shut up about how awful parenthood was. "Oh, you're pregnant! Boy, better live it up now because soon everything will suck!" Then when I got close to the EDD they said "Are you excited yet? I'm so excited for you!" I had whiplash. Fortunately we've moved since then.

[jammomma]

No I don't. I don't have any friends any more. Or at least not any friends that I feel I can share with, they all feel like acquaintences now, even people I have known for 20 or more years. So not only do I not have anyone to share the darkside with, I don't have any one to share the bright side with either, except my husband, and he is pretty awesome, but it would be nice to have a friend with a kid the same age as mine to talk to and do things with. Since I have become a mother I feel much more isolated than ever before and it stinks because now more than ever I need support, but don't have any.

[lovingmommyhood]

Yes, thankfully! We're all brutally honest with each other. My friend told me today "I wish I could just SLAP him!!" She didn't need to say "Of course I won't." Because I know she won't but boy do I know how it feels to just be so DONE and to want out, only to feel better 20 minutes later. If you don't have friends who understand how hard being a Mother can be even at the same time it's a joy...that would suck!

I can't speak openly to EVERYBODY about how hard it is because I don't want them to think "Oh wow, she doesn't like being a mom..." etc etc. I want to talk to people who know that while I complain and cry about being a mom, it's the best thing I've EVER done and I would never change it even if I could.

[major_mama11]

Well, my only real mom friend is my SIL, and heck yes, we vent about the dark side! We have very different parenting philosophies now that the kids are older, but we did both breastfeed and cosleep so it's been nice to have someone who understands all that. Especially when DD and Nephew were both breastfeeding and cosleeping and SIL and I were both sleep deprived from all the night wakings!

We sometimes joke about writing a book about what motherhood is REALLY like - ie all the nasty details that no one tells you about beforehand.

[Turquesa]

Oh God yes!! They have to be honest and genuine friends, obviously, and willing to share some validating tales of their own.

[Tway]

Originally Posted by major_mama11

We sometimes joke about writing a book about what motherhood is REALLY like - ie all the nasty details that no one tells you about beforehand.

LOL! I said that to one of my friends, who's also a mom, just after I gave birth and felt like I was going to collapse. Her answer to me was, "You know who'll read it? NOBODY!" Cause we still believe in the Disney version of motherhood right up until we deliver.

It's wonderful and so very hard. But like everything that's hard, the hard work pays off tenfold.

[lolar2]

Read the book Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott (or if you want something more classic, some of the books by Erma Bombeck and Peg Bracken are pretty gritty about parenthood and derive their humor from that).

[dogretro]

Sometimes. I don't like to complain about my kids much for two reasons: 1) It's nobody's business and 2) I don't want my negative statements to negatively color the way that others see my kids. I have a couple of friends who do complain excessively about their kids, often harping about the same subjects over and over. Not only is it extremely annoying, it seems like that is all they ever have to say about their kids and it does make me start to look at their kids differently. I don't never complain, I am just careful not to do it v much. I am comfortable openly complaining to dh, but I have already told him reasons one and two, so he knows I am not venting to everyone else & supports the family privacy.

[LynnS6]

Sometimes I feel we do more complaining than not! So yes, we talk about the bad.

[Ornery]

I have a few close friends that I talk with about the more challenging parts of mothering. I try not to dwell on it much because, for me, when I focus on how awful or difficult something is, I tend to get lost in the problem and don't see a solution.

[ilovemygirl]

I think all the things the OP listed like children crying, making messes and needing time alone are reality not the dark side. I want to pretty confidently say these things happen to everyone at some point or another and I've never met anyone that's denied it. You can be really grateful for your kids, keep a positive attitude and try your best but eventually something will bother you and it's only healthy to let it out and complain a little.
It's pretty common knowledge that raising kids is tiring and messy and isolates you somewhat from the adult world. I was "warned" a ton of times while I was pregnant about all the sleep and and social events I'd be missing out on as a parent.
I think what I'm trying to say is that I see this this sort of thing as a light hearted conversation with my friends .. like dd drove me nuts today with the whining and everyone just kinda nods with a btdt attitude. I feel like I could walk up to any mom in the park and within 5 minutes be discussing these normal difficulties of motherhood.
Now if you had some terribly dark thing like feeling clinically depressed, that you haven't had sex in months due to the demands of motherhood and you think it's ruining your marriage or that you feel like you might -really- hurt your kid ... those I wouldn't discuss with just anyone but would certainly discuss with someone very close to you very quickly.

[princesstutu]

Sometimes, it seems like the dark side is the only side my friends live on. So, yeah, we talk about it. And, I try to help them see the light, usually. And, they sometimes say, "I have to get off the phone." so they can wallow. Today, I didn't let my one friend off so easily, but she still eventually found a way to get off the phone. She wanted to yell at her kids and I'm very anti-yelling (esp. at kids--hello! ). We're so honest and open that they know I'm not criticizing...except when I am.

I don't really like talking about my times of struggle in parenting b/c I feel like it makes it more difficult to get to a clearer mindset about it and find solutions, because I recognize it's me with the problem, not my kids. But, we all have those times. Some of us for years on end, it seems!

[Awaken]

wow- this thread is for me!! Haven't gotten to read the responses but had to chime in! It seems like everyone around me only talks about how awesome it is, what a blast it is, how incredibly joyful it is, to have kids, and I'm one of the few who says "it's hard". Or exhausting. or we had a fun day mostly, but there was still fighting and challenging behavior. People seem shocked that my kids fight and don't play happily for hours, either together, or on their own, leaving me time alone. Or that I find it hard to care for three kids on my own or take them places by myself and manage all that needs to be done for three small children by myself. People (other parents) seem genuinely puzzled, as if these feelings are unheadrof. So I'm glad to hear there are some other out there who experience a "dark side" and I"m not just a lone freak!

[hopefulfaith]

Originally Posted by dogretro

Sometimes. I don't like to complain about my kids much for two reasons: 1) It's nobody's business and 2) I don't want my negative statements to negatively color the way that others see my kids. I have a couple of friends who do complain excessively about their kids, often harping about the same subjects over and over. Not only is it extremely annoying, it seems like that is all they ever have to say about their kids and it does make me start to look at their kids differently.

This happened to me. My kids are barely 15 months apart & there was a year or so in there when every time she/I phoned, there was a child *needing* something in the background: crying, nursing, climbing on me for a snuggle, having a tantrum... Her kids are further-spaced apart, and she never had truly intense needs from all of her kids simultaneously the way closer-spacing parents do.

She would ask me how I was, and I would be honest: Wow, it's been one of those days. Wow, am I nursing 24/7. Wow, is it a full moon?

....and now, she believes my kids are truly horrendous and ill-behaved and ill-mannered and needy, whiny beings.

We only see each other once a year or so, and talk on the phone a few times a week, but not seeing my kids in person and only hearing what happens on the phone has really colored the way she sees my children. When we visit, we live in a different time zone & have different bedtimes for our kids....so my kids are always up later/crying at 7pm her time because they are tired....me putting them to bed after dinner in a noisy household and it taking an hour because her older kids are playing football in the dining room below the guest room....

Well, she thinks my kids are needy and terrible - and has told me so, in not so many more words.

I am not sure our friendship will survive parenthood.

I think it might have been more comfortable *not* to share the dark side until we got through the early years.

[ChetMC]

Yes

Absolutely. Of course, the circle of people I can talk to about those things is pretty small. I won't complain to people who are going to propose non-ap solutions I'm not prepared to consider.

[Tuesday]

Originally Posted by momtoS

Just curious....if my life stinks or people just don't talk about that bad things about parenting.

The screaming/whining/fighting/NON stop mess/never having a minute alone/no hobbies/no social life/ no life/ the mess/ the fighting/ the non stop noise/ etc.

I would love an hour.....a tub, no noise, no kids. Even once a month.

Yes, this is me this summer. And yes, I do talk to people about it - my friends (most of which who don't have kid and now thank God they don't have kids!) mostly. I find the parents I know are less explicit and honest or perhaps they are not having as rough a time as me.

One thing I've discovered .... that hour ... it's not even enough for me. I used to think ... an hour here and there ... helps. And it does. But I've discovered that 1 or 2 hours a week just doesn't compensate for the delightful "me" time I had before children. My sons are very active and the older one is seriously miserable (mood disorder) most of the time. Life is very trying.

As I said - I find it easier to talk to people who either don't have kids or older people who've raised their kids. If I tell the honest darn truth to anyone around here with children - half the people think I've lost my mind and the other half thank me for my honesty and reveal they're experiencing the same thing.

[IntuitiveJamie]

I have a couple of Mom friends I can do this with and Thank goodness. We, like others here mentioned, don't offer each other advice, just sympathy. And that is great! Thats all I'm looking for..someone that understands. But I will say I find in general most people don't seem to want to admit how hard it can be sometimes, or if their kid acts totally bratty sometimes. I have no problem being upfront about all of it..good and not so wonderful. It's all part of the parenting experience!

[CI Mama]

Originally Posted by lolar2

Read the book Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott .

I loved that book! It was one of the few times I belly laughed during my DD's first 6 months!

Yes, I have a few key friends who walk with me on "the dark side." They are pals who have been through some of the same "big" things that I've been through (death of a parent, fertility struggles, traumatic birth) so we've seen each other through a lot. I honestly don't know how I would have made it without them. We cry to each other, help each other get perspective, make each other laugh. When someone has been through the same tough stuff that you've been through, and when you can share it, the dark side isn't quite as dark.