Temper + Button Pusher...is GD possible?

[mommahhh]

I admit that I have a short fuse sometimes. I am trying to work on that. And my kid (7) seems to be a button-pusher. I can usually keep my cool for a while, but after several hours I tend to lose it and I’ll start ranting/raving and I say less than “gentle” things (ex: what is your problem?? You are 7 and you act like a 2 year old! I'm so tired of dealing with you today. I did lots of nice stuff for you and you don't even care!.).

An example from today (but this type of thing happens allll the time lately). She’s jumping all over, having fun. But when we are trying to cross a very busy parking lot/road, I ask her to hold my hand. And while I’m walking across the road (quickly as it is busy), she’s pulling on my hand and trying to walk really slow because “her legs hurt”. Then when we are getting groceries, I’m trying to push the cart in line to pay and she’s holding onto the shelves, making it really hard for me. When I tell her to cut it out, she makes a really snarky face at me (and people walking by take a double-look since she looks like a snotty little teenager or something). Then at home she claims she can’t hold the door open for me because her hands are too full (they are not...she's holding a doll). The final straw for me was when I’m trying to put the groceries away and she comes downstairs furious that I apparently lost some tiny piece of plastic from her Barbie doll that she said was laying on the unmade bed. I don’t recall seeing it and I told her when I’m done I’ll come look for it. She gets angry/frustrated and throws her dolls on the floor. This just stresses me out and at that point I lose it.

I notice that when I argue with her (not a smart move anyway), it doesn’t go anywhere because she seems to not be able to follow my point of view. Her arguement is nonsensical (obviously because she's only 7). So I’m not “winning” anyway. Also, she is mouthy and keeps talking back while I'm trying to talk to her, and that just makes me angrier. I don't want to get so escalated. I never do it, but at times I feel like smacking her. And I feel my blood pressure rise, and I just feel so ANGRY that she's always starting stupid drama over nothing.

I can't believe a young child can make me so MAD! Ridiculous. I need to figure out how to keep my cool and not allow her to push my buttons like that.

[2cutiekitties]

Have you read Playful parenting? She might respond better to that approach.

[One_Girl]

My dd does a lot of the same things while we are shopping. I use the shopping cookie bribe or a cheap shopping treat bribe to get good behavior. She has no intrinsic motivation to behave in the store and I am willing to motivate her until she is older and cares more about what other people think. When she does the faces I sometimes do one back, sometimes I make a joke, and sometimes I just ignore it and don't let on that I even notice. When she argues back I disengage and tell her we will discuss things later. Sometimes when she is moaning about something she can't do I join her in moaning. I find that I prevent a lot of the moaning when I tell her that she can't do something because I am mean or evil mama and throw in a fake bwa ha ha ha ha. This really depends on her mood though, when she isn't in a playful mood I am more serious about things and move with the flow to move her out of the grumps., she is rarely not in a playful mood though.

[Lisa1970]

She should be making her own bed.

I think it is time for more chores and a schedule. Sound silly, but she is 7 and you made her bed. Now she is mad at you because you possibly lost her toy. I would lecture her about children who have nothing, adults even who have no food, no toys, no home. I would offer to take away all her toys if she wishes to complain at me about it. Oh, and she should be in the kitchen helping you put away groceries.

I know this is hard. I have a 6 yr old. This is what we are working on now. Fortunately, I have the incentive of thinking about horrible teens I know and how much I do not want my children to turn out like that. These things may not seem so big now, just irritating, but they are. And this is the time to get things under control before you cannot.

So basically, I would expect more of her. This is so she can be prepared to be an adult some day. But also so she can take pride in herself now. Her self esteem will be higher in the end if she is a can-do child. She can help put away groceries, she can carry them in, she can make her own bed, she can put away dishes.

Good luck!

[dogretro]

I am thinking a more playful approach to some of these things would help, too. One of a child's favourite phrases is "Pretend you're.." When you are crossing the street, you could say, "Pretend we are deer running across the road." "Pretend we are robbers who are running away from the police." "Pretend we saw a leprechan on the other side of the street and we have to catch him!" "Pretend we are frogs hopping!"

I am already pretty upfront w/ my older kid & I would probably tell her that when she gave me a nasty look it really pissed me off. Nothing else, just a frank statement about how it made me feel.

I absolutely would not lecture or try and guilt my child by telling her how lucky she is to be so privileged. She did not ask to be born, I asked to create her. She has toys and books and clothes b/c it is my job as her parent to give her these things.

One thing I have def learned about using more playful techniques is that they will definitely feel like you are "giving in", but they will achieve the same results as punishments and yelling. Actually, they will achieve better results b/c there is less crying and more laughter. I always want my kid to "just do it" b/c kids are *supposed* to just do things that adults ask them! Unfortunately, it doesn't always work that way & I am not interested in turning things into a fight if I can sing a silly song and get it done that way.

Also, she is seven. Would you rather have her throw her dolls on the floor or scream at you? She is not old enough to always be able to internalize her feelings & she will have outbursts. Personally, I would rather her throw the dolls. Burst of anger over & she can scoop them back up and go about her business. So, yeah, you are being silly over that one. When you go to get out of the car after shopping, tell her that you need her to go ahead of you and hold the door open. Or hand her some bags & ask her to please carry them inside. This way she is already knows that you expect her to do something for you before you get there. Better to explain that she can hold her doll in one hand and the door in the other when you are still at the car rather than when you are struggling to hold 34978 bags of groceries.

[mom2grrls]

What sort of things is she in control of? Does she make a lot of her own decisions? Does she sleep well?

[Surfacing]

[EdnaMarie]

Originally Posted by 2cutiekitties

Have you read Playful parenting? She might respond better to that approach.

My child is much younger than the OP's but she is also a limit-tester. Everything is a game to her, including our relationship. I had a thread that I had to abandon, but long story short...

Nearly every useful piece of advice came from Playful Parenting. At first I was shy because I'm NOT the playful type.

But frankly, I'm even less the "Please push my buttons all effing day and then push them some more and then test every limit you've had since you were born WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING JUST STOP IT ALREADY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?" type, so playful it is.

It's working wonders. Really. She gets out so much more of her mental energy that way.

I also decided to give myself time-outs. However, since we started playful, I've had to use them about ten times less frequently than she previously would get me to a point where I felt I needed to ask her to go into time-out.

At least now she sees that she can do what she wants, but that my feelings are about me, not me trying to control her.



It is so frustrating tat times!

[EdnaMarie]

Oh, and yes, sometimes it does feel like giving in, and I have my limits, but I do have to balance between making my point, and risking my child developing neural pathways that are always oppositional. Best advice in my ridiculously long thread was to let her oppose a thing, a race, a game, a challenge, and NOT A PERSON. That thinking to me was so helpful.

That is indeed what I want her to learn. Not that she can't win, but that it's not about pushing me, it's us pushing the limits of the possible.

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

let her oppose a thing, a race, a game, a challenge, and NOT A PERSON. That thinking to me was so helpful.

That is indeed what I want her to learn. Not that she can't win, but that it's not about pushing me, it's us pushing the limits of the possible.

Can you give an example of how you accomplish this with Playful Parenting?

[EdnaMarie]

Originally Posted by Surfacing

Can you give an example of how you accomplish this with Playful Parenting?

Yes. Okay. So, first of all, it has to start this way--it will not re-direct a battle when she's dug her heels in.

But let's say we have to get ready to go but I also have to get her sister ready to go. I say, "Who can get ready faster, Princess DD1 or Queen Mommy and Super Baby? Here are our clothes- ready- set- go!" Then I sing the William Tell Overture for some dramatic impact.

If I had asked her to get dressed, she would find something else to challenge. The wrong shoes. Wrong shirt. I need to help her- not that way, THIS WAY. But with the challenge of the race, she is getting her need of banging her head up against a wall met.

Another example. "The frog family is going to pick up the toys. BUT ONLY LIKE FROGS! If we don't pick up toys like frogs, we can't be part of the FROG FAMILY! RIBBIT!" Then we pick up toys. If she forgets to be like a frog, we ribbit her back into line.

Had I not done it that way, I bet you six gazillion dollars and my everlasting soul that it would go like this:

"I don't WANNA pick up the toys... I'M STILL PLAYING WITH THAT!... That one's MINE... I'm not DOING it..."

Another example: "Let's see who can brush their teeth the longest without stopping."

"Can you count every step?" (Going down stairs.)

"Okay, I'm going to count the steps... you help... five, three, nineteen- what? You say that's not right? Well you show me." (To spice it up.)

Re-direction is way harder because by then she's always picked her battle. But I can't emphasize how making everything a game has reduced the battles. She even starts to make up her own games.

She starts to see life as a challenge in and of itself, not me as the challenge.

I'm not saying this has made our life perfect and I think we lose a lot because I'm not naturally playful. However, that was the single best piece of advice I've gotten for this age and I'm really happy with it. I try to get into the habit and do it all day long, because even though it takes 10% more energy at the beginning, it takes about 90% less energy than letting her choose the battle.

I think we are slowly re-scripting her brain so she is learning to challenge herself, as well, which THRILLS me.

[Surfacing]

NAK
EdNaMarie, Thank you for the descriptive explanation in your wonderful post.

I have to admit, coming from a family of teachers where you are asked to do something, and even if you don't like it, you still do it anyweay, it's hard for me to think of games like that. My mind is SO not programmed that way automatically, and to tell you the truth, I don't find it particularly intellectually stimulating. Of couse that's my problem to work through.

Your concrete examples give me a good starting ground. Thanks again.

ETA - I reread my post and wanted to be sure it's clear that I am not saying your approach is not intell. stim. -- I meant that doing all this kiddie stuff is not intel. stim. to me. I think your examples are great, very creative and actually, it's a very smart approach!

[EdnaMarie]

Oh, God, yes, believe me, it is mind-numbing for me to come up with those games and it wasn't my idea, either. But of my whole long monster how-to-GD-with-a-playful-child, this was the best advice. It is NOT my personality. But my mom used passive-aggression on me and I just don't want to go there.

I will also say that I use it to avoid battles for normal, everyday things. She is just... bored with life. Really. I think that must be it. Getting dressed, leaving the house, going down the stairs, getting her carseat fastened is BORING to her. So she has trained her mind to make it interesting... by making it a battle.

By training her to think of how to do things faster, better, more happily, I'm avoiding unnecessary battles.

I am still waiting eagerly for my copy of "playful parenting". I guess even if that wasn't how I planned it, that is how I'm going to have to be because nothing else works. At least, nothing that isn't violent, and even screaming and taking stuff away was just escalating endlessly.

"you are asked to do something, and even if you don't like it, you still do it anyweay,"

I wonder if you have siblings that are a lot younger than you? Or perhaps a large family? If not, how do you know that you did it even if you didn't like it... without a huge battle? Or was there a threat of a spanking looming?

Because although that was my sense when I was childless, I now realize that in fact, we just don't REMEMBER how we were at two and three, or even five and six. Our parents don't either. My mom actually tells contradictory tales: on the one hand, she says she "didn't put up with any nonsense" and that we were "very obedient". On the other hand, she remembers taking me out of the store for temper tantrums and screaming and I do remember being grounded for weeks and weeks, so there MUST have been disobedience in there.

I personally think that the natural state of a child from around three on is to be out with the gang of kids exploring the environment. Our society's fear of "the environment" (omgz predatorz! carz! pain!) has kept the older and younger kids indoors.

No wonder we're all going nuts.