How do you teach a 3.5 year old to play by himself?

[happy2bamama]

X-posted in Toddlers - is my 3.5-year-old a toddler or a child??!

My son has always wanted/needed my husband and I to engage with him. He loves us as playmates and always asks if we'll play with him. We have followed the ways of attachment parenting since he was born and I have to say, that one of the downsides to this way of parenting for us has been that my son has never learned how to entertain himself or just be with himself.

So, now that he's 3.5 and is still asking me to play with him ALL day, I am losing my mind and want to change things. I have been setting boundaries with him about this for the past 6 months or so, but we are going through an especially rough time.

Does anyone have any tips, advice, toys that are good for solo play, etc? How do I retrain someone who was brought up with us always right with him to then be able to enjoy time on his own?

The other part of this is that we just moved and are staying at my parents' house until October (and we've been here since June). So, I know things are a bit rough because we're out of our routine. My parents are wonderful with my son and it's nice having them to hang with him while I get stuff done here and there, but if I say that I can't play with him, he'll run to one of them and so my boundary setting is out the window.

TIA

[spmamma]

Honestly, I think some kids simply need you to play with them more than others. My DD was a very high needs baby and has grown into a very spirited 3 YO. She has always needed me to play with her, ever since she was a wee one. She does have a little more time now that she's willing to play by herself, but she still wants me in the room with her all the time and usually wants to play with me. My friend's DD, on the other hand, is perfectly content to play by herself for an hour or more at a time. She's always been this way.

I really think it's a matter of nature rather than nurture. Being an AP parent didn't make your son need you this much. He just does.

As to what you can do to encourage him? The way I handled it was to set DD up with a game/toy/puzzle. She used to want me to do everything for her, even though I knew she could do it. She'd ask me to do it and I'd gently tell her that we'd take turns. I'd play a little bit, then she needed to play with it a little bit. Eventually, she started wanting to do it herself - not with everything, of course. But it's an improvement.

These things take time. Your little one still obviously needs you and you're doing a great job. Just keep encouraging him as he plays. Stay in the same room with him while he plays, work on a project next to him so you can still give him the interaction he needs, etc.

Best wishes to you! (((((Hugs)))))

[happy2bamama]

Thanks for the encouraging words I know it's not all AP's fault and it has a lot to do with my DS's personality, but I do think that practicing AP only made him expect us to play with him/be with him that much more. I'm don't need for him to be in a room alone for hours, but he literally follows me around asking, "When you're done with XYZ, you're going to play with me?" We had a friend over last night and it was crazy because her little guy played alone in the toy room the ENTIRE night. Meanwhile, instead of playing with the friend, my DS is asking DH and I to play with him every 2 seconds.

The other thing going on is that DS was nursed to sleep until he was 2, so he never learned to put himself to sleep at bedtime and for naps. And he no longer naps now, so when you add all this stuff together, my day looks something like this... DS wakes up, we all get up (earlier than DH or I would like to, of course!), DS asks us to play with him for 8 hours straight (remember, no nap) with our only reprieve being TV which won't don't like to overdo, then either DH or I lay with him at bedtime and read books and stay till he falls asleep. So really, it feels like our entire day revolves around DS.

Just having a tough day It's not always like this, but just had been lately.

[One_Girl]

My dd started wanting to play with friends at the park instead of with me at that age so we went to the park a lot. I found that at home if I started out in a game I could slip away after a while because she started being all the characters with little need for me to take a character after a while. I often didn't hear from her again for long periods of time once she was engaged in her game.

[2cutiekitties]

Originally Posted by happy2bamama

my day looks something like this... DS wakes up, we all get up (earlier than DH or I would like to, of course!), DS asks us to play with him for 8 hours straight (remember, no nap) with our only reprieve being TV which won't don't like to overdo, then either DH or I lay with him at bedtime and read books and stay till he falls asleep. So really, it feels like our entire day revolves around DS.

Our day looks like this too, and that is why our 3.5 yr old is starting preschool in 3 days

DS has always been like this, and was also a high needs baby.

[happy2bamama]

Originally Posted by 2cutiekitties

Our day looks like this too, and that is why our 3.5 yr old is starting preschool in 3 days

DS has always been like this, and was also a high needs baby.

Yes - hooray for preschool! We are doing two mornings a week here but when we move in October we will be upping the time!

And seriously, he is ruining any chance for having a sibling. DH and I just started feeling ready to have another and then we've been going through this rough patch and I feel like there's NO way I can do this again. I am counting on the next one (IF we have one) being waaaaaaaaay easier, but I know there are no guarantees.

[spmamma]

Originally Posted by happy2bamama

I am counting on the next one (IF we have one) being waaaaaaaaay easier, but I know there are no guarantees.

I was a little nervous about having another high needs baby after DD, but DS is pretty mellow in comparison. You could get lucky too - and remember that even if you got pregnant today the baby won't be here for another 10 months. Your DS will have grown and matured some by then - you'll just be dealing with something else! LOL

Of course, even if your second ends up being high needs at least you'll know what to do - you're already a pro!

[happy2bamama]

Originally Posted by spmamma

I was a little nervous about having another high needs baby after DD, but DS is pretty mellow in comparison. You could get lucky too - and remember that even if you got pregnant today the baby won't be here for another 10 months. Your DS will have grown and matured some by then - you'll just be dealing with something else! LOL

Of course, even if your second ends up being high needs at least you'll know what to do - you're already a pro!

Thanks I do feel like there is no way another baby could be this demanding! I also feel like the second baby is more mellow (most of the time) just due to the fact that you can't give them 100% of your attention like you could the first, so they adjust because they have to (which is partially what I wish DS had had to do at some point). And I now know what things I would do differently - one of which is making a nap non-negotiable!

[waiflywaif]

Get him started on something and then you can sort of "slip away." This worked for me. I'd make a batch of playdough, set up the table, and my DD would play for at least an hour at that age while I made dinner or read a book.

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by happy2bamama

And seriously, he is ruining any chance for having a sibling. DH and I just started feeling ready to have another and then we've been going through this rough patch and I feel like there's NO way I can do this again. I am counting on the next one (IF we have one) being waaaaaaaaay easier, but I know there are no guarantees.

You see this is EXACTLY WHY you SHOULD have a sibling. A playmate!!! And I am dead serious. When DD was born, she had built in entertainment in 2 yo DS. Of course that was really one-way entertainment, but by the time she was a year they were playing together and entertaining each other. Or, at that time, DD being in awe of DS and DS getting to boss her around, but whatever, it worked. After about 18 months, they really were playing together as equals, and it has only gotten better and better. They love each other so much and play well together, and it is WAY easier with 2 than with 1, because one of them will always think of something. They are really self-entertaining. Some of that is personality, but a lot of it is because they have each other. Now they are 3 and 5 and have a blast together. It's actually the long quiet times, the low wispering, when I know something is up and I better run in and see what is going on. So, have a sibling, and all your problems will be solved. (OK, maybe not ALL of them, but some of them at least!)

[spmamma]

Originally Posted by AllisonR

You see this is EXACTLY WHY you SHOULD have a sibling. A playmate!!! And I am dead serious. When DD was born, she had built in entertainment in 2 yo DS. Of course that was really one-way entertainment, but by the time she was a year they were playing together and entertaining each other. Or, at that time, DD being in awe of DS and DS getting to boss her around, but whatever, it worked. After about 18 months, they really were playing together as equals, and it has only gotten better and better. They love each other so much and play well together, and it is WAY easier with 2 than with 1, because one of them will always think of something. They are really self-entertaining. Some of that is personality, but a lot of it is because they have each other. Now they are 3 and 5 and have a blast together. It's actually the long quiet times, the low wispering, when I know something is up and I better run in and see what is going on. So, have a sibling, and all your problems will be solved. (OK, maybe not ALL of them, but some of them at least!)

This is totally true! DS is still too young to be a true playmate yet, but DD is pretty content to play in a room by herself as long as DS is in there playing too. They aren't "playing together" but they're both happily playing, which gives me the chance to slip out of the room to grab a load of laundry without being followed. Mostly, she just needs someone to be there with her.

[Pandme]

Originally Posted by waiflywaif

Get him started on something and then you can sort of "slip away." This worked for me. I'd make a batch of playdough, set up the table, and my DD would play for at least an hour at that age while I made dinner or read a book.

LOL, my 3.5 DS would just ask me to help him make the most elaborate stuff. Like spaceships, tall buildings. When I encourage him to try it on his own, I get "But I don't know hoooooow." When I show him, he still doesn't "know how". It stinks because I am actually pretty artistic and I really want at least one of my kids to be as well.

[happy2bamama]

To all the pro-sibling mamas (thank you!) - a question - my DS is already 3.5, so by the time a baby would be born, he would be almost 4.5. That's a big gap between the kids. Is it still possible that the whole sibling as a playmate thing could work out even with the age difference???

[bestjob]

I have to add my two cents worth....

The only reason he should have a sibling is because you and your partner want another baby. You're the adults... he's the kid.

Of course he wants to play with people. That's what kids do. That's how they learn about other people. But... maybe the play could be making dinner (cucumbers can be chopped with a dinner knife and stirred with an indeterminate amount of yogurt to make a salad) or sweeping floors or wiping windows.

My kids (15, 12, and 9 yo) totally used up all my time as they learned to get along and built their confidence as co-operative people. Now they're out of the house a lot because they're such good guests at other houses.

And I'm turning back to MDC for company!

[spmamma]

Originally Posted by bestjob

I have to add my two cents worth....

The only reason he should have a sibling is because you and your partner want another baby. You're the adults... he's the kid.

Of course he wants to play with people. That's what kids do. That's how they learn about other people. But... maybe the play could be making dinner (cucumbers can be chopped with a dinner knife and stirred with an indeterminate amount of yogurt to make a salad) or sweeping floors or wiping windows.

My kids (15, 12, and 9 yo) totally used up all my time as they learned to get along and built their confidence as co-operative people. Now they're out of the house a lot because they're such good guests at other houses.

And I'm turning back to MDC for company!

I don't think anyone was literally saying, "Have another baby just to entertain you older child." I think we're simply reassuring the OP that should she choose to have another one (and she mentioned that she was thinking about it) the kids will be able to entertain each other.

And yes, kids all want to play with other people. But some kids, including my own DD, have a much more intense need for someone to play with them at all times. They have a harder time playing on their own - to the point where it's nearly impossible. DD needs me to be in the same room with her while she plays, and in most cases doesn't want to continue playing if I'm trying to do something else. It's getting better as she gets older, but we still deal with it all the time. It's something I deal with every day; finding a balance between her very real constant need for my companionship and my desire to gently help her learn how to play independently.

[bestjob]

It's what I read. The advisors seemed serious. "Dead serious" was a phrase used.

[happy2bamama]

Originally Posted by spmamma

I don't think anyone was literally saying, "Have another baby just to entertain you older child." I think we're simply reassuring the OP that should she choose to have another one (and she mentioned that she was thinking about it) the kids will be able to entertain each other.

And yes, kids all want to play with other people. But some kids, including my own DD, have a much more intense need for someone to play with them at all times. They have a harder time playing on their own - to the point where it's nearly impossible. DD needs me to be in the same room with her while she plays, and in most cases doesn't want to continue playing if I'm trying to do something else. It's getting better as she gets older, but we still deal with it all the time. It's something I deal with every day; finding a balance between her very real constant need for my companionship and my desire to gently help her learn how to play independently.

I'm with ya. Clearly I'm not going to have a baby just to quell my son's need for my attention! Like I stated earlier and what I think people were responding to was that DH and I are finally ready to have another (totally not related to DS's neediness), but the burden of two needy kids was making us think twice.

And yes, there is a huge difference between kids who need interaction and just kids who like playing with people/adults. Those of us who have these types of kids who want constant engagement know that setting them up with a simple task only buys us about 2 minutes and during those two minutes, they are asking us to help them, do it with them, etc!

I'm still curious what people have to say about the possible age difference between DS who would be about 4.5 (at the earliest) when a new baby would arrive. Have I waited to long to have them play together? Or will the new baby just follow after him all day?! Better him than me!!

Originally Posted by bestjob

It's what I read. The advisors seemed serious. "Dead serious" was a phrase used.

?????

[spmamma]

Originally Posted by happy2bamama

I'm still curious what people have to say about the possible age difference between DS who would be about 4.5 (at the earliest) when a new baby would arrive. Have I waited to long to have them play together? Or will the new baby just follow after him all day?! Better him than me!!

While I can't speak to this from a parent's perspective, I can tell you that I grew up with three brothers (I'm the second oldest of the four of us) and I was very close with my youngest brother who is eight years younger than me. I loved playing with him and taking care of him, and we are still close even to this day.

[happy2bamama]

Originally Posted by spmamma

While I can't speak to this from a parent's perspective, I can tell you that I grew up with three brothers (I'm the second oldest of the four of us) and I was very close with my youngest brother who is eight years younger than me. I loved playing with him and taking care of him, and we are still close even to this day.

Thanks for this!! It gives me hope

[cjam]

I use the "play and slip away" method. I get her started on an activtity and then I excuse myself to attend to a chore.

At about 4 I started having an afternoon quiet time where she had to go into her bedroom and entertain herself quietly for a while. I started with 10 minutes and worked up to about an hour. Sometimes I need to suggest a quiet time activity (puzzle,books, colouring, dolls, lego) and sometimes she's able to choose on her own. The first fews times she acted like I was torchering her, now she enjoys quiet time but it took a year to get there.