WWYD...other kids in playgroup mean :(

[quelindo]

There's an unschooling playgroup in my area that tries to get together once a week or so. The other moms are WONDERFUL -- we all share a similar AP, unschooling philosophy -- and it's so nice to have that support. My son is mostly between the ages of the other kids, but within a year of the older ones.

The problem is that the four older kids (from three different families) are all more wild and aggressive than my son. I think three of them at least have "issues" (have been in therapy, have rage issues, etc.). Two of them are twins and are in their own world for the most part. The other two are worse when they're together.

My son tries to play with them, but either they ignore him or tell him to get away from them. One of them is also physically aggressive. We just got back from a picnic with these families and the one boy just hauled off and hit my son on the head for no reason (my DH was watching).

There is one other family with a little boy who seems to be more mellow like my son, but they don't come every time. I'm hoping they come more, though.

My problem is...do I keep going? I get so much support from the other moms, and my son will play by himself, but I feel so awful seeing him rebuffed or even suffering meanness. There is a much larger homeschooling group in the area, but there are a LOT of people there and it's overwhelming.

WWYD?

[SundayCrepes]

I had that problem except my son was 2 and the bully was 7. I tried talking to the mom and she didn't get it. I stopped going to any gatherings where I thought she would be. My son's safety was top priority even though it meant we missed out on a lot of park days.

If it's appropriate, I'd say talk to the moms about this. If it's not, I don't think your needs outweigh your son's. So, find a way to have a moms' night out if you want to be with this group of adults but protect your son. Also, invite this one mellow kid to your house for playtime. And, as hard as it is, go to the bigger group. I know how you feel about big groups, but sometimes that's the best solution.

[earthmama369]

I had a playgroup like that. There was just something about the dynamics. Awesome parents, *I* had a great time talking to them, but my kids were getting the short end of the stick and it was really modeling a bad set of behaviors to them. Very Lord of the Flies. We stopped going for a good two years. I would bring them once a year to see how things went and if they went really south, we left and tried again the next year. This year, for the first time in three years, the kids had a good time and the dynamics of the group had changed to something healthier and more positive. I did miss the conversation and social time for myself, and I'm having a hard time fitting back in now (probably because I didn't whitewash why we stopped coming, though I was polite about it), but I found other ways to meet my own social needs without making my kids miserable and made some great new friends in the process.

[Dar]

Maybe you could get some contact information for the little boy who seems more mellow and check to see if they'll be at park day before going? Or suggest that he play with the younger kids?

[quelindo]

I just had a long talk with my DH about it, and you all are right. Of COURSE I would put my son's emotional and physical well-being ahead of my socializing. One of the reasons we homeschool is to shelter my son from situations like this until he's mature enough to deal with them himself (when he's older, he'll say, "I don't need to try to be friends with these people," for instance).

He's never complained about these dynamics, really, or said he doesn't want to go to one of the playgroups, and I wasn't really thinking that it WAS still affecting him even if he wasn't verbalizing it. And I certainly don't want him learning behaviors like ganging up on another kid or ignoring kids who are trying to talk to him (not to mention being physically aggressive).

I think I will share my feelings with the other moms via e-mail, as diplomatically as possible without sugar-coating things. My DH suggested being vague, but I think the moms need to know just exactly what was happening at the picnic since they weren't always near their boys.

And I think I will try to hook up with the mom of the mellower son outside of the group, and maybe try the bigger group, too. Thanks, all!