PPD - return to work

[radiosity]

Hello -

Haven't really posted or read here in a long time - life with the LO just seems to have taken over and I realized over the past few weeks a couple of important things:

1) I am suffering from PPD worse than I thought
2) part of the problem is money and I need to go back to work

Let's just say that #2 is not helping #1 at all. I'm trying to focus on how good it is going to feel to stop digging a financial hole and that I've had 15 wonderful months with my little boy - but then I just start feeling guilty and more than that, just grief. I tell myself that my DH is no less his father for going to work everyday and that works for a little while - but then for whatever reason I feel like that is enabled by me "holding the home front" and that it's not going to be at all the same for him to be "somewhere else" for 8 hours a day.

My emotions and mental state are all over the map - guilt, anger, anxiety, grief - more grief - (fleeting) hope - more anxiety.

I feel incompetent and exhausted here at home and am just not seeing how I'm going to make it work managing two kids and the job on top of that - but financially I don't think there's a choice at all.

Looking for some encouraging thoughts, ideas - ?

[sparklett]

I see you're still a bit new- are you able to view the PPD forums on here? The folks over there might be able to give you a bit more perspective.

Have you experienced PPD before? As someone who went through PPD and PTSD, I strongly suggest that you get some help for this (therapist, meds if necessary, etc.) so you can start working through this BEFORE you go back to work and things are 100 times harder for you.

I went back to work (albeit, working from home, but I was still separated from DS and had to hear him cry and couldn't help) when DS was 11 months and it was extremely hard, especially considering how I was still dealing with the PPD/PTSD.

It sounds to me like either you really are not ready to go back to work yet or the PPD is presenting too much of a barrier to allow you to go back to work. Either way, start with getting help. It might be very possible that you need more time and some help before being able to go forward.

At the same time, you say that financially it's not possible to stay home. Look at all of your options and see what is really available to you. For my family, having a SAHP seemed unrealistic, but with lots of changes it was possible.

[cchrissyy]

I have a couple articles on postpartum emotions / stress /depression. They're hosted on my site but they're not by me. One's from a doctor, the other by a MFT

http://www.nurturecenter.com/postbigpi.html
http://www.nurturecenter.com/postpartum.html

[radiosity]

thx!

Thanks for your replies! Yes - I did have PPD and OCD, much much worse with my first child, it lasted for 3 years. So, partly, because this is so much more subtle than that experience I really didn't notice it creeping up on me. I was very happy to get past my 6 month and 1 year anniversaries after DH without any serious OCD or dissociation, anxiety etc. that I sort of missed the quiet storm moving in.

Now it's 15 months and I'm finding it very hard to control angry outbursts etc. and of course that's hand-in-hand with depression too. Unfortunately I don't think it's going to lift without doing something about the feelings of helplessness of just watching our financial situation get worse and worse each month.

I'm having a hard time seeing the reality of the back-to-work situation through a lot of emotional fog. I'm considering meds but really not wanting to do that even though I am assured it's safe for BF - it's one more thing I feel I will no longer control ... although I'm not sure how in control I am now anyway.

So I suppose I was looking for perspectives on working and how moms balance the need to support the family financially with the need to support their little ones emotionally, in person etc. I stayed home with DD until she was 2.5 (ready to socialize and tired of being with me!) but the sacrifices we made to pull that off really left me with reservations. Now I feel the shoe is on the other foot (I have a job to go back to and daycare available) but it doesn't seem to fit any more comfortably.

Anyhow - I apologize if this topic is really not suited to this forum - I appreciate your thoughts.

[laurabfig]

The book Getting to 50/50 really helped me with some of my guilt issues about working.

I dealt with PPD after my son was born and it was so hard. I went to counseling, which helped, and had to work through a lot of things- all while dealing with 2 kids under 2, an unemployed spouse, living in a city I hated, and working 30++ hours a week. Counseling did help- more than anything I would say- as well as the kids gradually getting older and allowing me and dh to sleep more. Oh- and moving to a place where dh and I could both be happy and content with life. We made a lot of life changes after that long bout of depression.

Also- could you get further leave to deal with your PPD? I know FMLA is only 12 weeks out of every year (or 18 months?), but sometimes with disability insurance or other provisions that employers give, you can take longer if there is a medically documented need for the leave. My employer calls this "extended sick leave".

[marinak1977]

sending you positive thoughts. I work and my DS is in daycare and I find that wearing him and co-sleeping really make it easier to feel bonded. He also reverse cycles and nurses all night long (luckily I can still function after that) I think that daycare is going to be part of his village and he will learn and grow through it as well.
I hope you can find a good centered place for you. Take care of yourself mama.

[Mosaic]

Just some extra support. I went back to work when DD1 was 10 weeks and DD2 was 11 weeks. The first time, my world fell apart and I suffered from crippling PPD. I finally sought help at 8 months pp and have been on meds ever since. I did NOT want to take that route, but in retrospect I wish I had gotten help so much sooner.

I'm handling the transition far, FAR better this time around (been back at work ~1 month). Yes, being a working mom means dealing with conflicting emotions, guilt, etc., but it's far more manageable with a healthy body and mind.

[MelW]

I can't really comment from the PPD side of things, but know about myself that at certain ages I do better as a WOHM than as a SAHM. With both kids at about the 1 year mark I was really, really ready to start to redefine myself as "me" outside of "me as mother".

I think that with my personality and my kid's personalities from 1-2 is the *hardest* time for us, and when I can have my kids in a safe, loving childcare situation I feel that they are better nurtured than they would be by the burnt out version of myself that I was becoming.

As they get a little older I could then cut back on childcare, do some more WAHM work, etc. but at this stage I was being the best mother possible by re-charging myself with work and coming home refreshed to be a good mama in the time we had together. This didn't always work (I've worked different schedules, including some time that left me pretty burnt out and not sleeping trying to be a SAHM all day and a WOHM all night) but it has been helpful to keep in mind that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that parenting this person will get easier. And that looking after myself will ultimately help me to be a better parent.

Sorry to ramble....

[radiosity]

Thanks everyone - it's really good to hear how other people have handled the transition. I have had some interactions with the Waldorf/ Anthroposophic communities. While I believe in (much of) the foundations for the philosophies on ECE in these traditions - I also find myself questioning some of the ways that these ideas seem to put the onus on the mother to be the unconditional caregiver. I will definitely get a copy of the Getting to 50/50 book - it looks really interesting.

DS had his first intro playtime at daycare today and he seemed pretty pleased with all the things to play with and interested in being around new sights and people. I'm sure we'll have good days and tough ones but I had some good conversations about the benefits of being around other children too.

I'm also feeling that what you said (MelW) about getting back to myself and having some autonomy (not just Mom time) will be a welcome shift. I think the combination of stress relief re: money and having some "grown-up" space in the world will be a good thing.. .

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and experiences!

[cakemama579]

I just wanted to add a couple of thoughts, in that I can really empathize with your situation and how you are feeling. I recently decided to go back to school full time, which would mean that DS was going to have to have somewhere to go-- I have been a SAHM with him for the last 2.5 years. One thing we decided to do as a family was put DS in a Montessori preschool, rather than in a daycare. It helped us to realize that he will be educationally stimulated (not that there is anything wrong with daycare, we just thought that it was the best fit for our son).

Have you considered an alternative program to daycare? Perhaps it would be a better fit for your LO as well.

Also, have you considered any part time work options? Maybe all you need is a little financial boost, rather than what a ft job would bring. I do second the notion of previous posters, though, in that it is amazing what we can afford if we put our minds to it. When I was pregnant, we had every intention of starting dS in daycare at 3 months old, but soon realized that I was absolutely not ready to go back, and we've made it on one salary ever since. Maybe you could too... who needs cable anyway?

Good luck with everything, you're going to be just fine mama.

S