introvert with ds who has high social needs

[Karamom]

I'm not really sure where to post this so I'm going with general parenting.

My 3.5 ds is very social. He loves to play and interact with other kids.

I am introverted and really have no friends. I do wish I had 2-3 good friends to get together with but I seem to be very socially awkward and have always had a really hard time becoming close to anyone. So after really trying and going to many activities trying to meet people I have just given up and excepted that I don't have friends. I really would like a friend but its just easier not to put myself through it all. For some reason people just don't seem to want to hang out with me.

My son however gets so lonely. He cries because he wants someone to play with. I take him to the park but half the time we end up being the only ones there and the other half of the time the kids are not willing to play with him. He is a really nice kid. He will go up to someone and say "Hi! My name is ds. Do you want to play with me?" And the other kids say something like "sorry, we are playing by ourselves right now." Its very hard on him. Many times I have driven him home from the playground while he cries the whole way home. "Why doesn't anyone like me?! I really want a kid my age to play with!? Why do I have no friends?! I really just want a friend!!!" I brakes my heart.

When he does occasionally find someone to play with he has a blast but we don't ever see that kid again.

Also. We are planning on homeschooling so he won't be going to preschool. Although I know he would benefit socially I am just not willing to send him to school because of many many reasons.

So anyways I guess I really don't know what to do because I always feel so awkward when I take him to activities but I know he has high social needs. Also everything for his age group takes place really early in the morning and we have a hard time getting there on time. He doesn't usually wake up until about 10am.

I don't really know what I'm asking here. I know I need to get him out more it is just so hard for me. But it makes me so sad to see him lonely.

[crunchy_mommy]

I'm pretty social but super shy (weird, I know) so when I don't feel like being social, I take DS to the library. There are always other kids there to play with and I can just sit & read a book while I watch him. Same thing with the playground, bring something so it's clear that YOU aren't there to socialize, just to watch your DS.

But it sounds like he wants some consistent friends & I don't blame him... My DS is only 1.5 but already I see the benefits of seeing the same kids over & over, he loves it & it has really helped him grow.

Maybe pick 1 or 2 activities a week where there are likely to be the same people there each week -- LLL meetings, a small meetup group (with the larger groups you won't always see the same people each time), maybe a registration-only storyhour, or check in Finding Your Tribe if there's a small local group that gets together weekly/monthly. I had NO friends 6 months ago. NONE. Now I have many acquaintances and several that are starting to become close friends, and I love having a few good friends and DS loves being around the other kids. I think this is one area where if you push yourself a little, you'll be rewarded... It was really awkward in the beginning. Sometimes it's still awkward for me if the 'usual crowd' doesn't show up. Sometimes I stick it out, and other times I just leave early & try again next time... but I don't regret stepping out of my comfort zone.

[Baby~Braatens~Mama]

That is all really awesome advice crunchymama! I am also very social but extremely shy. It is almost impossible for me to meet new people and I have just recently moved to a town where the people are less than friendly. Last week a friend from MDC who lived in this area told me of a playgroup in this town and I went to a meeting last Thursday. There were about 7 mommas there and soooo many children. There were 2 other pregnant mothers and almost all were WAH or SAH. It was a very comfortable situation for me and the children all had each other to play with. Maybe there is a playgroup like this in your town. I wish you the very best of luck!

[Ruthla]

I had a similar situation with my own DS, only I started him in preschool at age 2.75 because I was dealing with serious health issues and needed the childcare.

I homeschooled him for 3rd grade. It worked out OK, but not great. He was bored when the activity level was "just right for me." Towards the end of the school year, we were doing activities 2-3 times a week, which worked out to being overwhelming for me but still not enough stiulation for him. So I signed him up for public school in late June.

The very last week of school it worked out to 4 activities (with running around doing errands on the 5th.) I was COMPLETELY wiped out, with only the knowledge that I wouldn't have to do this again next year keeping me going. He was thrilled with the activities and asked if he could homeschool again next year. (No. He's already signed up for school and the only reason he was satisfied is because it was overwhelming for me.)

With the imbalance in your socialization needs, homeschooling may not be the best option for your son. Go ahead and try to find a small social group where he finds playmates and you don't feel too overwhelmed. You just might find your niche and it may work out well for both of you. But keep an open mind- if homeschooling really isn't working out, reconsider the local options for preschool.

[4evermom]

Now that my ds is older, socializing is less of a problem. He gets some interaction from playing multiplayer online games and he has developed a best friend that we see every week. I know he'd like more but I think he has adjusted to this level of socializing. In the fall, we'll have a weekly parkday with homeschoolers again, I hope.

When he was younger, I'd pay attention to the time of day we went to the playground. Different aged kids come at different times. Toddlers in the morning who then go home for lunch and a nap, preschoolers/kindergarteners after their morning school programs and lunch, older kids after 3:00. I'd sometimes bring something cool to share like lots of bubbles. I'd play actively with ds and frequently other kids would want to join in, something like tag where I never quite caught anyone.

The kids at the city playground were more inclusive. The ones in the suburbs seemed to expect to only play with the kids they came with. There is a dog park right next to one of the playgrounds. Ds loves throwing balls for dogs so sometimes we'd introduce ourselves to someone and ask if we could do that. I am an introvert but fortunately not very shy so, although I'd rather not, I can do those things for ds's sake.

Do a search for homeschool yahoo groups in your area. Maybe there is a weekly parkday where you can see the same kids each week.

[EVC]

I completely sympathize! Dd has been in pre-school, but is on summer vacation now and she is SO lonely without her friends and without regular interaction with other kids. Sometimes when we go to the playground together, it is almost heartbreaking to see her try to make friends with kids who aren't really interested for one reason or another. And she still doesn't really get that. She tries so, so hard to make new friends. As for me, I'm usually about ready to go home after 15 minutes or so

One thing you might look into, if you haven't already, is your local library. Ours has a really nice summer program for kids: story time and arts and crafts on Saturday at 11 AM (so not ridiculously early), and then music or some kind of juggler, bubble blower, etc on Tuesday evenings, and a family sing a long on Wednesday afternoon. We just started going and it's perfect: I can hang out and leaf through books while dd has fun and meets new kids.

[zebu]

My DS is also SUPER social and I am not.

If feel so bad for your little guy that he feels so rejected If kids at the playground are unwilling to let him join their games, how about having something that will attract their attention? Like one of those foam rocket launchers or a mini-golf set.

[2cutiekitties]

Well, I am in the same boat, but preschool solved our problems of being socially challenged. I also wasnt to hip on it, but in the end I put his needs first and found a preschool that I liked. He has been going a week and it is beyond fantastic.

May I ask .... What are your reasons for not sending him?

[staceychev]

I'm kind of with the PPs who have questioned your not sending him... and I'm asking this very respectfully as a very pro-HS public school teacher who is also an introvert raising an extrovert. I do have to work for financial reasons (and am fortunate to love what I do), but I did learn very early on that despite my strong critiques of schooling and interest in HSing my own child, that it wasn't going to be a fit for us as a pair. Honestly, at the end of a day with her (now aged 5) when she doesn't have an activity or playdate, I'm more drained than I am after spending a day with 125 teenagers.

I would also say that the socialization thing is harder when they're younger since you have to personally make more of the effort when they're littler. You may want to consider preschool just for the next year or so to allow him to establish some ties without putting the whole burden on you. Then, when you pull him out for HSing, he'll have friendships formed that you can help him nurture in the after-school hours.

[Karamom]

Thanks for the replies.

The reasons I don't want to send him to preschool:

I believe young children belong with their parents and generally more supervision than a school setting can provide.

I don't believe the way schools are set up are the best way for a child to learn. (we are unschoolers)

This one may be controversial but I believe schools are just propaganda machines teaching the masses what think and do.

I cannot afford to pay for preschool although I realize this can be worked around but it sounds tricky.

Reading over those I see they may apply more to grade school than preschool but I just don't want to set the standard of sending him. I feel that it would then be harder to pull him out.

I realize what I need to do. I just need to put us back out there. We do have a homeschooling group in town. The truth is I also would love to have a friend I had just given up because I am so un-confident and I have a problem of feeling like everyone must think I'm weird or doesn't like me. But that's my own problem and I don't want to pass that on so I guess I will just have to make myself sign up for some activities.

[4evermom]

It gets easier when they are a little older. I think a lot of people who feel they wouldn't have the energy to meet their young children's needs homeschooling all day don't realize how much easier it gets as they get older and more self sufficient. I get more introvert time just because ds is more self sufficient. I used to have to be in the same room as him all. the. time. Aspects of unschooling an only have been difficult but I know it is much much easier than having him in school (because we tried that). Preschool is basically training for school. Learn to sit in a circle, stand in line, etc. I don't think it is the best option for meeting social needs if you aren't planning on sending your dc to school.

My ds was always a super challenging high needs child but things are getting down right easy now.

[crunchy_mommy]

The more you put yourself out there, the more you'll find people you can actually connect with. It's really hard if you're introverted or shy but it WILL happen, I thought I was doomed to have no friends lol.

You might also consider some kind of co-op schooling or extracurricular groups as well -- so you could homeschool but still send him to a music or dance class, or art classes, or sign him up for the town t-ball league, etc.

[whoami]

My 3 year old is very social too and does the whole introduction thing too lol. Sometimes it works and he makes and instant buddy, other times kids just run away and he doesn't understand why they want to play alone. He literally runs to the playground saying he's going to make a new a friend. I love that he's so outgoing and sometimes wish I could be more like him, but I am not and I don't think I ever could be.

Keep your chin up, you and your son are you're bound to make a friend eventually. We really only have one "friend" that we get together with maybe once a week or so because our kids took a dance class together. We would not have started hanging out if it wasn't for her taking a picture of her daughter and my son, and then asking for my e-mail afterwards so she could send me a copy. Then she said her daughter had fun playing, and wants him to come play with her at the park sometime. I really don't think at 20 months she really thought that, but I took the bait for my son and now they are great buddies. Maybe you could do something like that when you find your boy playing very nice with another kid? You never know, maybe that mom is in need of a playmate for her kid and would like some company too.

I joined a couple groups too, but then it seems like people have already buddied up so it feels weird, at least for me, to pop myself in and try to form a bond. I have yet to make a bond with anyone from the groups but I go because my son likes the interaction. Maybe sign up for a kids museum? I just did that and I'm starting to notice some of the same kids there regularly.