Found out why STBX can't visit DD more often

[Phoenix~Mama]

Because, "Gas isn't getting any cheaper you know."

Seriously, this is what he said to me when I asked if he could please find a way to visit during the week, because DD asks about him all the time and I can tell she really misses him and is confused as to why she doesn't see him everyday now.

(and of course gas was never ever a question when we were driving the same exact distance to get DSD every week!!!)


When do you reach a point where your ex stops making your blood boil? Do you ever get to that point? How do you cope when facing that he really doesn't care about his children? It just gets me so incredibly upset. I know I can't change it... and I need to work on ways to accept it. (though how do you accept and wrap your mind around a person not caring about their children? Especially as DD is actually the only child he has that he PLANNED to have. We spent months TTC her. It boggles my mind. )

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama

Because, "Gas isn't getting any cheaper you know."

Seriously, this is what he said to me when I asked if he could please find a way to visit during the week, because DD asks about him all the time and I can tell she really misses him and is confused as to why she doesn't see him everyday now.

(and of course gas was never ever a question when we were driving the same exact distance to get DSD every week!!!)


When do you reach a point where your ex stops making your blood boil? Do you ever get to that point? How do you cope when facing that he really doesn't care about his children? It just gets me so incredibly upset. I know I can't change it... and I need to work on ways to accept it. (though how do you accept and wrap your mind around a person not caring about their children? Especially as DD is actually the only child he has that he PLANNED to have. We spent months TTC her. It boggles my mind. )

That's pretty rotten mama... but I don't think having planned your dd really has much to do with it. Both our kids were big surprises (hence the five years between them) and my ex would move heaven and earth (when it suits him) to see them. Your ex not being available to see her is part of a larger pattern of selfishness (I think).

Why exactly is he taking you to court again? Is he hoping for 50/50 - with maybe less driving in between? I don't understand how someone who can't even be bothered to see his child regularly is taking you to court.

My ex made it apparent from the outset that he was only interested in EOW. He couldn't handle them more than that, couldn't work the logistics of child care, manage their day to day needs vs his work schedule, etc. I know the support he pays makes his life much more difficult, but he's never considered going after more custody in order to pay less.

As I've previously stated, toddlers are much more difficult to care for. My ex regularly asks to take our seven year old on extra outings, as compared to our toddler. He's even said that in the next year (as she turns three and onward) that he can see taking them both on these adventures - when 'she's easier to deal with'.

[StephandOwen]

As far as the gas thing.... Any excuse they can come up with, right? I'm sorry for your dd

Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama

When do you reach a point where your ex stops making your blood boil? Do you ever get to that point? How do you cope when facing that he really doesn't care about his children? It just gets me so incredibly upset. I know I can't change it... and I need to work on ways to accept it.

When you finally realize that you can't do a darn thing about him. He is in control of himself and his actions and you are in charge of your actions and yourself. It took me years to get to that point. Now he still makes my blood boil, but it's very rare these days. Most of the time I can let it roll off my back and just document what happened. And, of course, come on here to vent! Even though on the outside ex appears to have changed and "grown up" (his words), he's still the same UAV he was years ago and it's starting to show, little by little. I called him Thursday night to talk to him for a minute. I told him that ds starts school this wednesday, so when he calls on Sunday (yesterday) he could talk to ds about that if he wanted to. He was obviously in the "in one ear out the other" because when he talked to ds yesterday he kept telling ds that he starts school tomorrow (which would be today). DS kept arguing with him and saying he doesn't start school Monday but ex wouldn't even listen to him. DS eventually got pissed off and told him "Owen ***** is out.... peace!" and hung up the phone (yes, he got it from Phineas and Ferb ).

I had also asked ex to email me pictures so that I could make ds a social story to help him cope with these changes. I specifically told him "one picture of you, one picture of your wife, one picture of the baby" etc (for all his family members). What does he do? He sends me a bunch of his wedding pictures, a handful of pictures from when the baby was a newborn (he just turned 1), a couple pictures of other family members that suck (family members head is turned so you can't even see the face). I give him credit for actually emailing me pictures, but I can tell it was done in a way that he didn't really care and was just trying to get under my skin (with the wedding pictures). I seriously am not going to make a book for ds showing THEIR wedding pictures. What the heck am I supposed to say when he asks why the rest of his family was at the wedding but not him?? He wasn't even invited, nor were we told about the wedding until after it had happened. Yeah, that's a wonderful way to make the kid feel like he's an outsider

[Phoenix~Mama]

Oh I agree with you Ceinwen that it doesn't/shouldn't make a difference of planning or not as far as how much you love a child. It was more of a train of thought of why it's so mind boggling in my head as to how can a person plan a little life, which to me means he wanted to be a Dad to her, and now that she is here, he treats her like the biggest inconvenience, kwim?

I can undertand the younger ones are definitely more work to take care of, which I know is likely why he takes DSD more often over DD. Especially with how lazy he is...

But then the contradiction of fighting me for more parenting time for the newborn is just so insane. The newborn is going to be even more work than what DD is!

I'm not really sure why he is taking me to court other than one more way to try to get to me. He wants overnights well before I'm comfortable with. My last compromise was a progressive visit schedule starting at 4 months that leads to overnights at 10 months of age, and I cannot feel comfortable with overnights starting any earlier than that.

And even that I'm really anxious over since I don't think he is going to have a strong enough bond with DS and DS may not really know who he is since he can't seem to make more than one trip a week here that lasts no more than a couple of hours. So he will be a virtual stranger to DS if all he can muster up is to come see him for only a couple hours/week before he starts taking him.


@ Steph. Ugh! I agree the wedding pics were likely a way to get at you. Your story really breaks my heart and I feel for Owen.

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama

Oh I agree with you Ceinwen that it doesn't/shouldn't make a difference of planning or not as far as how much you love a child. It was more of a train of thought of why it's so mind boggling in my head as to how can a person plan a little life, which to me means he wanted to be a Dad to her, and now that she is here, he treats her like the biggest inconvenience, kwim?

I can undertand the younger ones are definitely more work to take care of, which I know is likely why he takes DSD more often over DD. Especially with how lazy he is...

But then the contradiction of fighting me for more parenting time for the newborn is just so insane. The newborn is going to be even more work than what DD is!

I'm not really sure why he is taking me to court other than one more way to try to get to me. He wants overnights well before I'm comfortable with. My last compromise was a progressive visit schedule starting at 4 months that leads to overnights at 10 months of age, and I cannot feel comfortable with overnights starting any earlier than that.

And even that I'm really anxious over since I don't think he is going to have a strong enough bond with DS and DS may not really know who he is since he can't seem to make more than one trip a week here that lasts no more than a couple of hours. So he will be a virtual stranger to DS if all he can muster up is to come see him for only a couple hours/week before he starts taking him.


@ Steph. Ugh! I agree the wedding pics were likely a way to get at you. Your story really breaks my heart and I feel for Owen.

Oh mama. I totally hear you on the 'plan a life' and then go so far as to be disinterested. Absolutely faced that myself... Ask me to marry you? Buy a house together? Etc. Then decide it's not worth the work? Ouch.

I didn't realize he was fighting you over parenting time for a newborn. Um, four to ten months? Yikes.

I was reluctant letting my 17 month old go for overnight visits. At that point I had worked some shift work, so my ex had spent some nights alone with her, but nothing consecutive, and not without much, much support and help from me. Picture - me working in the ICU and getting 2 am calls of 'The baby won't sleep!'... but I digress.

And Steph... er, yeah. A for effort, but 'fail' on the wedding pictures.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Originally Posted by Ceinwen

I was reluctant letting my 17 month old go for overnight visits. At that point I had worked some shift work, so my ex had spent some nights alone with her, but nothing consecutive, and not without much, much support and help from me. Picture - me working in the ICU and getting 2 am calls of 'The baby won't sleep!'... but I digress.

*nods* DD started overnights with him at 16 months, and it was HARD. But at least she definitely knew him and was bonded with him. He was with her every morning, just the two of them. He never did night time parenting with her, though. And I know how easily he loses his patience. I try not to call too often, but I usually call around 9:30 pm to make sure she is in bed and see if she went down okay. And then I call in the morning to see how she slept through the night. He make think I'm neurotic, whatever, but it helps me some and I told him while she is still so little, he will have to deal.

But yeah the major contentions are over the parenting schedule for DS once he is here. And, likely he may be fighting simply because he's a boy. He has always wanted a son to "carry on his family name"... and now he is finally getting his "heir".

But I have seen how "consistent" he is with actual parenting/care. He will do it, once I prompt it.

Even on Friday when he came to see DD, he was content sitting in the kitchen talking to me while I was doing chores instead of interacting with DD until I told him "go play with your DD" "can you please give DD a bath since you are here to see her, and it is time to start getting her ready for bed."

I have seen him not feed DSD when she is begging for food saying how hungry she is, and he keeps telling her to wait until he is doing whatever, typically watching something on the sports channel. Until I would step in and say, "hello, she is a little kid, it's time to eat, get off your a** and get her lunch."

It just seems he does not have the capacity to think past himself. And I think the only reason he is even fighting me on DS is his own selfish entitlment. "You can't tell me when I can and cannot see my DS. You are out of your mind thinking you can tell me I can't take my own son overnight until he is 10 months old?! I'm not waiting that long."

[rightkindofme]

It sounds like you need to be documenting like crazy that he is continually turning down parenting time. I would hope that a judge would look at things like, "Turned down a weekend with DD because she was ill" and think, "hmm... probably not going to handle over nights with an infant."

We can hope, right?

[Super~Single~Mama]

As far as your dd missing her dad, can you put together a little picture album of pictures of them together? Sassy makes a few that are little, and age appropriate (they can chew on them and not cut themselves). I have one for my ds, and its great - he loves looking at the pictures of them and saying, "Dada, baby!"

[Lilypie32]

I think with time it becomes easier to accept. My son's dad has seen him 3 times in the past 16 months. He has used the gas excuse as well. For quite a long time it really upset me and sometimes it still makes me sad that he will not have that bond with his dad. I grew up without my dad. He never wanted to see me even though we lived in the same town and he had 2 other children which he did see. Most the time I feel a sense of peace with his decision not to be in his son's life.

Hang in there. Just remember that being angry with him won't help anyone. It won't change him and will just make you and your child more upset. I know it's hard.