Cut out to SAH? Doing some soul searching.

[CinCanada]

Hi mommas, I am currently a WOH mom with a 2yr old DD & am TTC #2. I'm just feeling like I have a lot of soul searching to do & trying not to feel some guilt too.

While in the car yesterday, DP asked me if I was sure I really wanted to stay home when the next baby is born after all. He wondered if I would be happier with the opportunity to get out of the house daily & socialise. It was not said in an unkind or judgemental sort of way but just a gentle question. It struck me as kind of strange as not all that long ago he was really pushing for me to stay at home even now before the next baby. Based on how much I loved being at home on mat leave for the first year, we had always planned that I would just go back to work until the 2nd was born & then I would stay at home until both were in school. As for my job there will be no love lost there if I leave. I returned from mat leave 10 mos ago & the job is an hour away from home & if anything the office that I'm in now feels like forced social isolation. There is no comraderie & nolonger anyone my age to socialise with so it makes leaving my daughter that much harder. On the other hand I'm bored but don't hate my job & the new home daycare I have DD is is FABULOUS. She loves it there & receives incredible attention & is learning new things at an amazing rate.

I digress.. back to the car ride - At the time I told him that I still did but that admittedly it was not without some reservations – that I knew it would be the hardest thing that I ever did. That I knew I would never get a moment to myself, & would rarely again get to shower or use the bathroom alone & that it would be a constant battle to keep the house going & the kids entertained. He suggested that I might have a harder time now too that DD is older & needing more interaction compared to when she was a baby & could be just happily toted along with me as I set my own schedule for walks & chores.

Even on weekends, I know that I have a hard time balancing keeping the house/meals on track while giving DD the honest 1 on 1 undistracted attention that she needs. To me that will be the hardest thing & it’s something that makes me start to question myself & skills to be a SAHM. It can sometimes feel really unbalanced when daddy somehow manages to get lots of honest & undistracted play time in while my time always feels like a constant string of “just let mommy do this one last thing & then we’ll play” or “2 more mins ok?”. It’s just never ending.

Anyway, I know I would eventually figure it out but right now I’m feeling kind of sad & fearful that I might let them down & my being home may not be the best option for my kids. I know we can’t always be perfect & that yes they might receive more stimulation outside of the home but if the babysitter can do it with 3 toddlers & the place is running smoothly when I arrive there to pick DD up then what’s my problem??

I dunno, just feeling like I need to take a look at my own priorities or something I guess. I’m thinking of asking DP for some honest criticisms so that I can start working at being a more patient & focused mommy. This is so hard.
Any advice? Is it just a matter of REALLY lowering my standards for the house (which are sadly not that high to begin with) or do you eventually figure out your own system/schedule so that you can turn a blind eye to things that need to get done in favour of playing?

Sorry for the long post. In the end I'm not even exactly sure what my real question is. Is there ever a point that you feel totally confident in yourself as a parent? Do you ever stop wondering if you could be doing this better/more patiently?

Thanks for reading

[scottishmommy]

I think you need to ask yourself a few questions:
Do you think that it is a mother's job to "entertain" her children?
Do you think it's good for children to grow up thinking that their mothers are their playmate/personal chef/maid/chauffeur?

In other words, your dd does not need your undivided attention all the time. She needs to learn how to entertain herself while mommy does the laundry/dishes/cooking/housework. That's life! Kids need to learn that people are not at their constant beck and call. Does that mean that SAHMS don't spend a lot of time with their children? No! But they don't feel compelled to spend "quality time" with them 24/7. I suggest you have a routine where you do the housework, and then take an hour to read/play/interact with your children. Then do more housework, and then spend time with the kids. Divide the work so that there are clear times when you are focused on the kids and nothing else, and then times when you are doing house work but are (obviously)available to the kids. They will learn. Please don't doubt your ability to care for your own children! You have what it takes.

[Ginabeanna]

I would like to second the previous comments. Staying at home is certainly a balancing act I have a 2 and a half year old and a 4 month old and it is crazy. I am constantly questioning myself as a parent, but I realize the reason is that at this time in my life this is what defines me. I don't get yearly reviews and raises to show me how I am doing, so you have to cut yourself some slack and know if you are worrying about this it shows you care and will likely do a super job. I would also say that it is really important to have people to socialize with and to take time every week for yourself (or you may lose your mind). Good luck.

[carmel23]

The transition from being a working parent to a SAH parent takes awhile. I think it took me over a year! So give yourself time. You don't have to be perfect, instantly.

And you don't have to be perfect, and sure, you might be lonely for adult company at times, but I don't stay at home for myself, because it is some fulfilling thing, I do it for my kids.

Frankly, I totally stink at being a SAHM! My house is a mess, I don't cook that well (that goodness my DH does and enjoys it!), I'm terrible at entertaining my kids. I yell sometimes. Sometimes I set a bad example.

But I am here, I show up every day. Living la vida loca.

[mamazee]

Well two things.

First, not everyone is happier as a SAHM, and it is totally legitimate to WOH if you would prefer it.

Second, I agree that it sounds like you're vastly overestimating how much you have to be actively engaging your dd. I think it's better for kids to start entertaining themselves from a pretty young age. It's a gift to a child for them to learn to entertain themselves, so they don't get as bored and lonely when they're older. Also, it's good for their creativity to find fun in the world. At 2, kids are happy to "work" alongside mom, so if you are in the kitchen working you could get out some unbreakable bowls and spoons and let her work with you. If you're cleaning you could give her a rag and let her "clean" too. But you don't have to be sitting there playing with her and actively engaging her that much. Read to her from time to time, help her with crayons if she enjoys that, but I really think it's good for kids to have to find their own fun.

The babysitter can do it with three toddlers because she's letting them play together or by themselves instead of sitting and actively playing with them all the time. Be gentle with yourself.

[CinCanada]

Thanks Ladies!
After a great evening with my dd & a decent nights sleep I'm feeling much better today. After posting this yesterday I spent a lot of time thinking of what's most important to me. Some may be able to do it but I have to realise that I won't be able to run a full ECE program for my kids all while keeping a spotless house & making all of our meals from scratch. Gotta cut myself some slack & focus on how precious that time is. Now I just wish I could silence that little niggling voice that sometimes pipes up with "but the babysitter runs a fabulous ece program with 4 kids & her house is spotless!!" erg.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by CinCanada

Now I just wish I could silence that little niggling voice that sometimes pipes up with "but the babysitter runs a fabulous ece program with 4 kids & her house is spotless!!" erg.

I like the saying "never compare your insides to someone else's outsides."

I really don't know how some women do everything they do, but I know that my kids turned out GREAT in spite of living in a house that is never spotless, sometimes being fed frozen pizza for dinner, and having a very inconsistent ECE program!

If you would be happier at work, then work, but I'm sure you'd make a wonderful SAHM. I decided that my myriad of imperfections were good for my kids because it gave them permission to be imperfect too.

[nina_yyc]

More kids isn't necessarily harder. In some ways it's easier because they entertain each other and play with each other rather than clinging to you, and there is more of a tendency to follow the herd with regard to routines and rules. I only have one 3yo DD but when I want a break I invite her friends over for a playdate or go to playgroup.

I agree with everything PP have said about not being the entertainment for your kids and finding a balance between 1:1 interaction and chores. I've been both a WOHM and a SAHM and in some ways SAHMing is more stressful...it seems that there is an impossible standard for SAHMing - you're supposed to be this playing, educating, cleaning-house-keeping, all-organic feeding Mary Poppins and love every single minute of it, while maintaining your marriage and your own health and happiness, all on a single income. Yeah.right. It's important to remember that it's parenting, not martyrdom, and there is no need to be perfect. And showering is a right, not a privilege.

[clutterwarrior]

You won't let them down! Kids don't have high expectations at all...all they want is their parents attention really.

[OkiMom]

Just so you know, 2 year olds are HARD to take care of and do much other stuff. My daughter was a handful at that age and her little sister is even more of one. The only reason I can do a bit now when I couldn't with my first is my girls LOVE to be together and will entertain each other so I can get some stuff done. Just relax, in 10 years is it going to matter if your house is spotless now? Or that you had 3 course gourmet meals for supper? Or that you taught your child that cats say meow before shes 3? Not really.
I have two and Im pregnant with our third. My house is a disaster 99% of the time. Its taken a while to let myself get to a point it doesn't bug me to much. Its not a dirty disaster (food places, dirty diapers etc) but its messy (toys everywhere, books everywhere, don't suprise me before 5pm with a visit cause you get to see me as me instead of me as the person that people know). Our meals tend towards sloppy joes, spaghetti and crockpot wonders. My 20 month old couldn't care what sound a cat makes but she will tell you what sound a monkey makes because shes obsessed with monkeys.
And just so you know 1) No one is perfect. You might look at them and think, "Wow their house is so clean, their meals are perfectly balanced and they are teaching their 2 year old algebra" but seriously I bet you do things they wish they could. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. 2) It helps a lot if you can get your child to do housework with you. My girls love to "help" me wipe down the counters, take out the trash and "sweep" the floor. They even have their own cleaner bottle (straight water) and kid size broom/dust pans. 3)It gets easier when they get older. My 3 1/2 year old will play by herself without asking me for anything for 30-60 minutes now. Her sister loves to play with her so a lot of the time I can set them up with an activity and get my cleaning done. Thats the only reason why my laundry is caught up... oh and my girls like to fold and put things away so Ill give them a basket of laundry and let them at it.