how shy is too shy?

[sarahr]

My dd is almost 4. She's been going to school and/or camp for the last year. She's made 1 or 2 close friends, but that's it -- she doesn't even know anyone else's name at camp. And when I've observed her at playdates with those friends, they barely interact -- it's still all parallel play, even at almost 4. At both school and camp, she spends most of her time at the art table, doing her own thing. When the class goes outside, she hangs around the periphery, again doing her own thing. She basically doesn't talk to anyone outside her circle (although the definition of her circle has expanded somewhat in the last year); if someone she doesn't know -- child or adult -- asks her a question, she ignores it until someone she does know repeats the question.

I don't want to change or pathologize her personality, but I do want her to feel comfortable with herself and make close friends.

Should I be concerned? What kind of help should I seek?

[nola79]

Some kids are just shy. I was a shy kid, my ds is a shy kid. He won't even respond to another kid if he doesn't know them. I don't know what you would do about it, though. I know when I was a kid, if my shyness was brought up, it just made me self concious and even more shy.

[Ruthla]

Nothing sounds "abnormal" about what you just described. The "ignoring questions from people she doens't know" does seem a bit rude, but it could be her way of dealing with "being around too many strangers at once". At age 4, it would be perfectly normal if her "circle" consisted of parents, siblings, and a few neighbors- being in a classroom/camp setting might be a bit more than she's really ready for. By "pretending people she doesn't know aren't even there," she's found a way to cope with it. As she's ready to be with more people, she'll naturally stop doing this.

I was a very shy child, and I still like having a very small circle of IRL friends. I can quite happily go the whole day with no interaction other than my own kids (plus online interactions.) Even now, I could tolerate being in a classroom environment if I had to be, but it would cause a lot of stress for me and I'd need a whole lot of downtime at the end of the day. DD2 is like this as well, and thrived in 8th grade at the public middle school, but needed a lot of down time after school and on weekends, and is spending most of the summer recovering from it and preparing to do it again next year in the high school.

[ChetMC]

Shyness

I think it is only a problem if the child is unhappy. If you're DD has two friends and wants to have ten, that's a problem. If your DD is playing alone and wishes that she knew how to join in with the other children than that's a problem. If she's happy I'd say that she's fine.

[nextcommercial]

It sounds to me like that's just who she is. You are giving her every opportunity to be outgoing, but it just isn't what she's wired to be. If it becomes "painfully shy", and you can see that she's really unhappy, or uncomfortable, it might be worth reading a book or two and deciding from there. Otherwise, keep sending her to fun things unless she really hates it.

[eepster]

I only is a problem if it is interfering with her enjoying life. If you were saying that she was unable to go to school or camp b/c of the shyness, then that would be a problem. The not answering questions thing might eventually be a problem, but at 4 yo I would say she still has plenty of time to outgrow it.

[nola79]

Originally Posted by eepster

The not answering questions thing might eventually be a problem, but at 4 yo I would say she still has plenty of time to outgrow it.

I'm still trying to get my son past this, and he's almost 8. I would say that's the only real problem with his shyness. It really comes across as rude/mean. I've explained to him that even though I know he's shy, other people don't. Hopefully he "gets it" soon.

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by nola79

I'm still trying to get my son past this, and he's almost 8. I would say that's the only real problem with his shyness. It really comes across as rude/mean. I've explained to him that even though I know he's shy, other people don't. Hopefully he "gets it" soon.

My DD 7 is like this. I remind her that it hurts other people's feelings and they dont realize its because she is afraid to talk to them. I told her they will feel like she is being rude. She is getting much much better with this.
It takes time.