Feeding other people's kids

[bartleby]

Do you have rules about how much food (or what kind of food) you offer to your child's friends? My daughter (5 1/2) has a newish friend in the neighborhood who is here nearly every day. My daughter spends much less time at friend's house for a number of reasons--friend's mom works from home, friend's mom has looser safety rules that I'm not entirely comfortable with.

The friend frequently asks for food at my house, and even opens the freezer/fridge and cupboards to see what she can have to eat (she doesn't eat dairy and keeps kosher). I have asked her not to help herself to food without asking. I admit I'm getting a little irritated at how fast we are going through food in our house because this friend is here so much. Just now, I suggested to her that she go home and eat lunch and then come back later. And she said, "Oh, I'm not hungry. Well, maybe for ice cream."

Just wondering how I can set limits on the amount of food offered. I am tending to put out a snack of crackers and fruit, which gets devoured. But then both girls are hungry an hour later. It's hard to respond to my child's food needs and not offer food to the friend too.

Has this happened to you? Do I need to maybe ask her mom to send food with her? Limit-setting can be a challenge for me, but I think that's what I need to do. I just need a good plan and a way to phrase it (to the girl and perhaps her mom). Thoughts?

[Drummer's Wife]

I woudln't ask her mom to send food, but I would just limit what you give her to what you offer - like the snack of crackers and fruit you mentioned. I would maybe put twice the amount out that you would have served for only your DD, but I wouldn't be okay with the neighbor kid rummaging through the pantry or fridge.

My DD has a friend who is over for hours (and sometimes days when she sleeps over), so of course we feed her when she's hungry. She can be super picky, though, and we don't have all the pre-packaged junky foods she is used to having, so when she asks for something like that, I just tell her sorry, we don't have those but you can have cheese, or almonds, or whatever is available. She will often run across the street to grab fruity pebbles or popsicles, if she truly doesn't want what we have to eat.

[mamazee]

I offer what I feel is appropriate and I don't let kids wander in my kitchen. You said the girl's family doesn't eat dairy and keeps kosher? I have asked every friend of my dd's who comes over there if there are any food issues I need to be aware of, and I follow whatever they say re allergies, particular choices, religious dietary issues, etc. Whatever they tell me is one of the determining factors of what gets offered. I haven't found anyone who can't have fresh fruit yet, so if it's a group and there are a variety of food issues, I often slice up apples or a cantelope, though I understand fruit can be pricey so that wouldn't be an option for everyone.

[mama2mygirl]

My dd, 7, is a moocher. She mooches at our homeschool groups and at her friend's houses. It doesn't matter if they are crunchy like we are or have junk in the house--other people's food just is more appealing to her. Raw milk from someone else is apparently just soooo much better than ours.
I talk to her about it but no one seems to mind. If anything, people ask her if she wants food all the time.
At her best friend's house, I try and bring snacks. Like a loaf of homemade bread and hummus.
I wouldn't mind if a mom told my dd , "No, you need to ask your mom." That would be fair. She doesn't play at anyone's else every day, though.
Maybe just offer the one snack and say that that is it.

[bartleby]

I don't want to sound like I'm stingy. Honest! I think that part of the problem is the no-dairy/kosher thing + she doesn't like nuts or nut butter. So when she's at our house for hours, she just doesn't get full on fruit and rice crackers alone. Also, once when she had just arrived and asked for food, I asked her if she'd eaten breakfast at home. And she said, "I didn't like anything we had at home, so I wanted to see what you had here." I suspect she saves her appetite for our house.

I was just wondering if it is typical for kids to prowl the cupboards at friends' houses, especially if it's not an older, well-established friend. I'm pretty sure my daughter doesn't do that at other kids' houses. But then she can be reticent to ask for anything from adults she doesn't know well.

[meemee]

this is summer. growth spurt time.

i dont limit anyone's food. i already know what their food allergies are. we have kids all the time, mainly coz i am off but their parents are working. i feed them. sometimes every hour. which also means catering to their needs. for instance dd eats any food. but some of her friends would only eat pasta with butter and cheese. so we all eat that pasta.

dunno. i would never ask a child to go home, have lunch and then come back.

however none of them go raiding my kitchen. they just tell me they are hungry. or i put out food and they devour it.

i am on a budget. and yes i have to really stretch to feed other kids. so far they have not emptied my pockets completely. so i havent said anything to their mom. however their mom does offer. and i refuse.

edit: just saw your new post. dd is a prowler at her bf's place. they prowl together. like siblings. rather than friends. my friend does not mind it too much. both are treated the same way. both are given limits. my friend is a second mom to dd and she will be the guardian in case i die.

[CarrieMF]

I have set snack/meal times. They are often enough that kids should not get hungry in between. At snack times I set out a certain amount of food, or dish them up & they sit at the table/outside to eat. IF they are hungry in between they can have a piece of fruit or a popsicle.

Sometimes when kids(especially a group of more than 1) are hungry an hour after eating a good snack it's that they're really bored or thirsty.

[elus0814]

I've had kids like that at my house too and we have had the same problem, even with their parents here. They go rummaging through the pantry and fridge and bring food over to their mom or dad to ask if they can eat it then the parents ask me if it's ok, as though I'm going to tell the poor hungry kids that they can't have those cherries. Those are usually the families who are not invited back, I just can't afford to be out $4 worth of fruit every time they stop by.

If I were in your place with the child coming over without a parent I would mention it to their mother. Something along the lines of "(child's name) has been asking for a snack during their visits, we like having (child's name) over but it's throwing off our meal schedules. Could you please make sure (child's name) has something to eat before they come over?". If that doesn't work you could either keep something really small on hand (I keep yummy earth suckers around which are 22 calories and organic and can be purchased in bulk so I don't mind sharing them with playmates) and allow each child only one or you could simply send playmates back home if they ask for something to eat. Tell them, and your kids, when they arrive that there will be no food available and keep them out of the kitchen.

Most any mom should be fine with you not being able to provide snacks, we all know how expensive groceries can be.

[bartleby]

The suggestion that she go home and eat lunch and then come back for more play was because she kept asking for food, but refusing what I had to offer. And kept asking for ice cream (non-dairy) which is what she has had here before. I said they could have ice cream, but only after a healthy snack or lunch. I told her that it sounded like we didn't have any non-dairy/kosher food she wanted to eat, and I wondered if maybe going home (around the corner on our block, about four houses away) and eating lunch might be a good idea. But she didn't want to do that.

I agree too that some of it is thirst/boredom. The requests seem to happen a lot when there is a lull between activities.

For the record, I never outright deny food when asked. But I don't comply with every request specifically (otherwise it'd be a sugar-fest all afternoon long!). I usually offer fruit, crackers, pretzels, sometimes cookies.

[LynnS6]

I do send kids home to eat, or when it's time for us to eat.

They're not responsible for feeding my kids, and I don't want to be responsible for feeding theirs. It's not that I begrude the food, it's that meal time = family time. And, I think it's rude to ask for food in a house unless you've been invited to eat. So, I tell them that.

I don't feel bad. They don't know the rules/manners. It's my job to teach them.

[bartleby]

Lynn, I'm curious how you actually phrase the "it's rude" response. I feel like I want to say something like that, but am not sure of the best way to do so. Today, feeling somewhat crabby to start with, I did say to her, "Could you please not grab food out of the refrigerator?" when she opened the fridge and took out an unopened container of strawberries, shouting, "YAY! Strawberries!"

When my daughter's longtime best friend comes over, I happily stock up on cow dairy-free, wheat-free items for her. But she's not here nearly every day for 5-6 hours at a time.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

I do send kids home to eat, or when it's time for us to eat.

They're not responsible for feeding my kids, and I don't want to be responsible for feeding theirs. It's not that I begrude the food, it's that meal time = family time. And, I think it's rude to ask for food in a house unless you've been invited to eat. So, I tell them that.

I don't feel bad. They don't know the rules/manners. It's my job to teach them.

Same here. I regularly tell kids who are over visiting, "Okay, it's time for DS to come in for lunch. He'll come knock on your door when he's finished." I also go collect DS at people's houses when it's lunch time.

If we've invited DS's friend to the park for a picnic, or if I'm watching a friend's kid for several hours in the middle of the day while she has an appointment, or if we have a special treat like snow cones, then I'll feed everyone, but on a run-of-the-mill, knock-on-the-door-an-hour-before-lunchtime playdate, the crackers and fruit I provide are sufficient IMO.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by bartleby

Lynn, I'm curious how you actually phrase the "it's rude" response. I feel like I want to say something like that, but am not sure of the best way to do so. Today, feeling somewhat crabby to start with, I did say to her, "Could you please not grab food out of the refrigerator?" when she opened the fridge and took out an unopened container of strawberries, shouting, "YAY! Strawberries!"

When my daughter's longtime best friend comes over, I happily stock up on cow dairy-free, wheat-free items for her. But she's not here nearly every day for 5-6 hours at a time.

I know I'm not the person you asked, but I would just say (pointing at the snack plate I'd prepared), "These are the snacks for you guys to eat" and repeat over and over if necessary.

[mamazee]

I have kids run home and ask before I feed them lunch. Sometimes the parents already have lunch planned.

Also, you have to be very specific with children in a way you don't have to be with adults. You could gently suggest an adult not go through your cupboards and fridge, though you probably (hopefully!) wouldn't have to. But with kids sometimes you have to be specific. You can be nice with the tone you use to say it, and still be specific, but be specific. "Please don't go through my cupboards or fridge. If you want something to eat, you need to ask and I will get something out."

[meemee]

Originally Posted by bartleby

The suggestion that she go home and eat lunch and then come back for more play was because she kept asking for food, but refusing what I had to offer. And kept asking for ice cream (non-dairy) which is what she has had here before. I said they could have ice cream, but only after a healthy snack or lunch. I told her that it sounded like we didn't have any non-dairy/kosher food she wanted to eat, and I wondered if maybe going home (around the corner on our block, about four houses away) and eating lunch might be a good idea. But she didn't want to do that.

I agree too that some of it is thirst/boredom. The requests seem to happen a lot when there is a lull between activities.

For the record, I never outright deny food when asked. But I don't comply with every request specifically (otherwise it'd be a sugar-fest all afternoon long!). I usually offer fruit, crackers, pretzels, sometimes cookies.

aaah gotcha.

i have usually anyone from 5 to 10 years old. i have almost done away with snacks. they are far too hungry for snacks. its easier on me to offer them smaller meals. and fruit. and of course liquids. we do no juice. but lots of ice. and plastic wine glasses.

and because i dont have junk in the house i dont get those requests.

my roommate has a pool and i think that adds to their hunger.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by bartleby

Lynn, I'm curious how you actually phrase the "it's rude" response. I feel like I want to say something like that, but am not sure of the best way to do so.

I say: "It's rude to look through someone else's cupboards to find something to eat. If you're that hungry you need to go home and get something to eat. You're welcome to come back when you're done."

I could also see myself saying "It's not polite to ask that/do that." My kids hear that phrase often enough, I can't see why the neighbors should be exempt!

These are 6 year olds that we're talking about, and they are very literal and direct. I can't beat around the bush. They don't understand indirect requests or hints. I calmly, firmly, but kindly, tell them what the rules are in my house. I've never, ever had a child get upset when I do this. I figure I can't get mad at them for being rude if I haven't made sure they know my rules.

It's not that we never feed the neighbors, but I don't keep an open kitchen. When neighbors want food, they'll usually ask my kids, my kids will ask me and I'll say yes. Last week, one little girl wanted something after they'd all had a snack and I said "no." She asked "why?" I responded, "Because it's not my job to feed you. If you're so hungry that a snack won't fill you up, you need to go home and get a meal."

Now, if they were 25 and go through my cupboards looking for food, I'd be really ticked because someone should have taught them not to do that. But at 5? Nah. I just don't feel like feeding the whole neighborhood. I also need a break from the hordes of screaming children. (OK, 2-4 plus my 2 aren't exactly hordes, but to this sound sensitive introvert, they feel like it!)

I also distinguish between neighbors (who tend to be here forever) and playdates. I'll be a bit more proactive for a playdate and schedule a snack in there that's a little heavier. Those kids can't go home and feed themselves.

[Boot]

DS's s best friend has a big appetite. I have provided childcare for her for 2 years. I have set snack and mealtimes and make the kids sit at the table and give them each their own plate of food. If she's still hungry when it's finished I'll offer something else basic like bread, rice crackers or yogurt. I won't let her go hungry but I won't let her rifle though the fridge/ cupboards either.

To this child I would just say 'please do not open cupboards/ take food without permission'. Give her her own plate of food at snack/ lunch time (whatever you are giving DD minus dairy/ non kosher). When it's gone, it's gone. I would also say to the mum, 'I feel bad because we often don't have the right kind of food to offer Friend. Would you like to send her round with something you know she's like, or maybe keep something at our house? I'd hate to see her go hungry'.

I suspect you have been generous with giving her yummy snacks in the past and she's come to expect it (i.e. the ice cream).

[bartleby]

Yes, I have provided sweet treats in the past--ice cream, cookies, candy--so now I get asked for it all the time. Understandably. I am generally pretty generous with her friends because I want them to have fun and enjoy being here. But only when it's an occasional thing! Every day eats into the grocery bill, you know?

Boot, thanks for the suggestion re: what to say. I may try that.

Lynn, you are bolder and blunter than I would be! (She says admiringly.) What you say is certainly what I would like to say. FWIW, this friend is 7, so I admit that I am a little surprised that she is so forward. I guess I figured that by age 7 someone would have laid down a similar rule.
(I am a huge introvert as well. Having kids over for long stretches, while certainly fun for my only child, can be draining for me. The food thing was getting on my last nerve, and I didn't want to suddenly get snippy with this girl, who is sweet in many other respects. So I appreciate the advice!)

[Peony]

I have a big issue with a neighbor girl and food. She will do the same thing, walk straight into my house and ask what there is to eat or go through my food when I am not looking. I set boundaries so if it is after breakfast or lunch, close to dinner, etc... then I say "we just ate or are going to eat at x time. If you are hungry then you may go home for a snack and come back". Usually the child then runs off and plays. I offer basic snacks, I am not going to serve all my organic berries for example, if she is still hungry then I say that was all the snack I offer, if she is still hungry then she can go home. I used to feed her for lunch, I have no problem feeding playmates BUT she was always wanting lunch at my house and started stopping by right before lunch so now I send her home.

[NiteNicole]

When I was a kid, the usual thing with neighborhood friends was - ok, we're having lunch now, we'll see you later OR well...no or. There's no way I would have asked someone to feed me if my own house was within walking distance. My mom would've killed me! It just wasn't done. That's how I do things at my house. If someone has made plans to come over for the day, I will plan for lunch and a snack. If someone shows up at my door (like, kid walks over from somewhere in the neighborhood), they may or may not be able to play at my house and they will almost certainly be going home when it's lunch time.

I'm not stingy with food, but I am not afraid of being honest with children. I'm always kind of surprised when people let drop in pushy neighborhood kids call all the shots. It's ok to send a kid home, especially if you didn't invite them in the first place.