Basically, I have been feeling like I'm having a panic attack since late last night. The night before last I had a bout of anxiety that lasted an hour or two, but I called my mom to talk and it faded. I've been in fight or flight for something like 20 hours now. It sucks SO bad. Really, it's just an overwhelming feeling of impending doom that will. not. stop. and I'm desperate.
Now, I have tried Kava Kava and Valerian to help my body, mind and emotions chill out. They seem to be taking the edge off a little bit, but it's still bad.
When I'm done here, I'm going to make myself a cup of chamomile and do some journaling and positive affirmations (the latter usually help a great deal).
Most of my worries seem to be revolving around my children. We are non-vaxing and homeschooling (eclectic). Those two things are totally legal here, but for whatever reason, I feel like it makes me a target. I'm a good mom. Most of my time and energy goes to my children. I am always paying attention to their health, development, nutritional intake, sleep patterns, physical activity, interpersonal interactions and such. We do not spank and barely yell. I'm not a drinker or smoker. I barely spend time alone or away from my family. I am always reading parenting books and applying the most conscientious choices I can muster. Somehow, I feel like it's not enough and someone is going to call CPS on me because one of my kids has a scratch from the dog (or something similar or they'll lie about us or something). I realize that's totally ridiculous, but it doesn't seem to matter to my mind. I've made the mistake of reading accounts of parents being investigated for a sink full of dirty dishes. Sometimes I wish I had never ventured over here to MDC when I was pregnant with DD because that's where I started to get the idea that perfectly healthy parents get accosted by CPS and then their whole family gets broken apart and it's a nightmare.
ANYWAY, I absolutely hate feeling in terror every moment. It's awful.
We just moved across the country in the middle of May and we are already having to leave this house to find one that suits us better. This house is about 1000 sq ft too big and our neighbors are heavy drinkers. I'm really wanting the four of us and the dog to live out more in nature where things are quieter and we have some space. I think it will be very healing.
I'm not feeling grounded and I'm sure that's contributing to this state big time. We aren't even sure if we'll move in 3 weeks or 3 months because this house needs to be rented out to new people before we can leave.
I am now unable to leave the house in any state of mess (see previous statement about dirty dishes) and am always worrying about making sure my kids have super clean (matching) clothes and faces and hands.
I "get" that the level of anxiety I'm living with and my hyper vigilance with my children is not normal. I'd prefer to be with them because then I know they are being properly supervised (we had an incident last week when DH had them that was a total anomaly, but now I cannot let them out of my sight for long- we are all fine, but it was a trigger for all this anxiety). I definitely have some PTSD from childhood abuse. I will eventually seek counseling, but the thought of seeking out a therapist in a city that I'm barely familiar with causes even more anxiety.
I keep telling myself I'll do it after we are settled in the new house. In the meantime, I am focusing on packing and such.
Just wanted to vent and get reassurance or something.
Now, I have tried Kava Kava and Valerian to help my body, mind and emotions chill out. They seem to be taking the edge off a little bit, but it's still bad.
When I'm done here, I'm going to make myself a cup of chamomile and do some journaling and positive affirmations (the latter usually help a great deal).
Most of my worries seem to be revolving around my children. We are non-vaxing and homeschooling (eclectic). Those two things are totally legal here, but for whatever reason, I feel like it makes me a target. I'm a good mom. Most of my time and energy goes to my children. I am always paying attention to their health, development, nutritional intake, sleep patterns, physical activity, interpersonal interactions and such. We do not spank and barely yell. I'm not a drinker or smoker. I barely spend time alone or away from my family. I am always reading parenting books and applying the most conscientious choices I can muster. Somehow, I feel like it's not enough and someone is going to call CPS on me because one of my kids has a scratch from the dog (or something similar or they'll lie about us or something). I realize that's totally ridiculous, but it doesn't seem to matter to my mind. I've made the mistake of reading accounts of parents being investigated for a sink full of dirty dishes. Sometimes I wish I had never ventured over here to MDC when I was pregnant with DD because that's where I started to get the idea that perfectly healthy parents get accosted by CPS and then their whole family gets broken apart and it's a nightmare.
ANYWAY, I absolutely hate feeling in terror every moment. It's awful.
We just moved across the country in the middle of May and we are already having to leave this house to find one that suits us better. This house is about 1000 sq ft too big and our neighbors are heavy drinkers. I'm really wanting the four of us and the dog to live out more in nature where things are quieter and we have some space. I think it will be very healing.
I'm not feeling grounded and I'm sure that's contributing to this state big time. We aren't even sure if we'll move in 3 weeks or 3 months because this house needs to be rented out to new people before we can leave.
I am now unable to leave the house in any state of mess (see previous statement about dirty dishes) and am always worrying about making sure my kids have super clean (matching) clothes and faces and hands.
I "get" that the level of anxiety I'm living with and my hyper vigilance with my children is not normal. I'd prefer to be with them because then I know they are being properly supervised (we had an incident last week when DH had them that was a total anomaly, but now I cannot let them out of my sight for long- we are all fine, but it was a trigger for all this anxiety). I definitely have some PTSD from childhood abuse. I will eventually seek counseling, but the thought of seeking out a therapist in a city that I'm barely familiar with causes even more anxiety.
I keep telling myself I'll do it after we are settled in the new house. In the meantime, I am focusing on packing and such.
Just wanted to vent and get reassurance or something.
