Help- I want to TTC but not ready yet

[linzbassett]

A friend of mine suggested that I make an account and post here for advice.

Ideally I'd like to start TTC in 6 months. My issue is that I've had a lot of cysts and very very painful cramps. My cycle is also very irregular. The friend that suggested me here thinks i may have PCOS. She said I may be able to find some advice on how to deal.

Another issue I'm having is the husband. He wants kids but is very very unsuportive on the idea of me getting pregnant. He'd like to wait at least 2 years. It's not the waiting that I have an issue with. I would never ever try to force parenthood on him if he wasn't ready or wanting it. It's just his attitude about it. There were a few months earlier this year where I very much thought I was pregnant. He went as far as telling me he'd divorce me if I was. He'll make very odd comments like this but then with in 20 minutes he'll turn around and say "when we have kids....". If I try to bring up the subject to get us on the same page he gets mad and walks off. I just don't know what to do about his attitude towards it. He's throwing mixed signals like crazy. Does any one have any ideas on how to bring him around more? I don't want to force the idea on him, but we've talked about having a large family of 4 kids and if that's the case I'd like to start soon while we're young. If that means we don't have kids for 2 years I'm fine with that, but I feel I'm at least entitled to being on the same page with out him throwing a temper tantrum to get there.

I'd appreciate any and all advice. I'm at a complete loss here. If more information is needed I'll gladly give it, I just wasn't sure what to include.

[HulaJenn]

Hi and welcome! This is definitely a great resource of information and the ladies here are wonderful.
Let me say that i don't want to stereotype all men, but sometimes they need a great deal of handholding and reassuring when it comes to TTC. Especially with the first one. It means, having a financial concern (or more of one) and someone else competing for your attention and affection. Sometimes they just need to have the picture painted for them. I think just a good sit down chat about his mixed messages and validating his concerns for wanting to wait while still addressing yours for not wanting to would really help.
In the meantime, getting to know your fertility potential/cycle is great (even if you aren't TTC!). A lot of women recommend a book called Taking Charge of Your Fertility.
I suggest getting yourself a Basal thermometer and starting to chart your temps to see what kind of pattern you have so that when you do TTC, you will be in the ball and ready to make a baby - hopefully on the first try! A great online charting program is fertilityfriend.com. It also has a step by step tutorial on how to chart temps and look for other fertile signs.
Good luck. I hope you find the answers you need and get the okay from DH soon!

[lilmom]

I have always had trouble with cysts & irregular cycles too. I would suggest going to a Reproductive Endocrinologist to find out if you do have PCOS. That way you can start getting your body ready now, regardless of when you start TTC. If there is no RE in your area, talk to your gyn about testing, but remember that an RE is much more specialized and will be able to help you more, in my experience.

Secondly, I don't know how old you are, but if you are already having trouble with cycles, etc, don't wait forever, because you probably already are not always ovulating, which does make it harder. I am not trying to scare you! I have a beautiful 3 yr old son and I am almost 35 and TTC #2. I just wish that I had been able to start earlier. In my case I just didn't find my husband until I was 29.

Anyway, regarding your husband, it is a little worrisome to me that he actually mentioned the Divorce word if you were to be pregnant. You know him better than anyone on a message board, obviously, but this to me is a major issue and if I was in your shoes, I would really want to discuss this with him in depth, because A. you do not have forever to have a baby B. you will need alot of support during pregnancy, if you get pregnant and C. having a baby goes alot smoother when you have a partner who is not only able but very willing and eager to help and be a loving parent and loving partner to you.

His refusing to talk about it when you bring it up sounds really difficult. But you really need to get this talked about and agree on a plan. Maybe as a compromise you could get your body ready for a year, after talking to a specialist and working on the problem with your cycles, and temping/charting, etc, and then after a year of doing all that, eating healthy etc, you can TTC.

The thing about TTC is, that you never know how long it will take. It could be the first month, it could be 2 yrs later. Make sure he understands your deep desire for this and make sure he understands that you can't always make it happen just at the moment you want.

[linzbassett]

Thank you both for your quick responses.

I tried to talk to him again about it tonight. He made another "when we have children" comment. I asked him ideally when he'd like to have children. He raised it from two years to four. I told him I am not willing to wait that long to try and have children, and that I'd like to have a reasonable conversation about it so that we can start getting on the same page and compromise. His response was to ignore me. *sigh* I think in his mind he's not ready so we shouldn't even discuss it.

I'm only 23, so I do have a while, but the thing is he's in the marines and right now is one of the few times he won't be able to get deployed because he's still in his 2 year training. I'd like to try and start having kids before he actually gets deployed.

I have an account on fertilityfriend and mymonthleycycles. The same friend who suggested me here has been telling me to get the thermometer, I just keep forgetting to grab one. I'll definitely have to check at the book. At this point I think anything I can do to start getting my body to normal would be good for me- and any future babies.

Thanks again for the help. I appreciate it so much.

[annaconda]

No matter what happens with him, you can at least get to know your own cycles. I have irregular cycles and I do wish I'd been temping before it was officially time to TTC cause I'd know more.

Good luck.

[HulaJenn]

Originally Posted by linzbassett

Thank you both for your quick responses.

I tried to talk to him again about it tonight. He made another "when we have children" comment. I asked him ideally when he'd like to have children. He raised it from two years to four. I told him I am not willing to wait that long to try and have children, and that I'd like to have a reasonable conversation about it so that we can start getting on the same page and compromise. His response was to ignore me. *sigh* I think in his mind he's not ready so we shouldn't even discuss it.

I'm only 23, so I do have a while, but the thing is he's in the marines and right now is one of the few times he won't be able to get deployed because he's still in his 2 year training. I'd like to try and start having kids before he actually gets deployed.

I have an account on fertilityfriend and mymonthleycycles. The same friend who suggested me here has been telling me to get the thermometer, I just keep forgetting to grab one. I'll definitely have to check at the book. At this point I think anything I can do to start getting my body to normal would be good for me- and any future babies.

Thanks again for the help. I appreciate it so much.

re: your "discussion" Men don't get it sometimes. I hope you are able to broach the subject again. But in the meantime, it is great to take that initiative and see what your potential fertility is by charting. I don't agree that you need to jump right into seeing an RE. I think charting a few cycles and seeing what is going on first is less invasive.