PLEASE ADVISE: What on earth do I tell dd.....?

[LoveOhm]

Some background: My ex boyfriend abandoned our 3.5 year old daughter and went into hiding once I initiated legal proceedings. She has no memory of him at all. I just showed her a picture of him (while drafting this post) and asked her "who is this?" about a bunch of different people in different pictures and when I showed her the picture of her dad she responded "Mr. Red" ---- a character in her newest storybook. Funny that character does kinda look like ex.

Now onto the current situation:

My dd (3.5 years) has tons of positive males in her life --- her Grandfather, Great Grandfather, four involved uncles, my best friend, etc. but lately she has been asking about her dad and I have no clue what to say. Up till today I just deflected the subject, but it appears to be an item dd is trying to wrap her mind around a lot lately so I am seeking guidance from you ladies.

How do I address this? How do I answer questions honestly and gently, but without giving a false hope? Today when cornered I told her that her "dad moved away" but then that led to more questions..... like "why" and "Is he coming back?" to which I replied, "Can we please talk about this later?" The hard part is I highly doubt he will be in the picture at all. And if he ever resurfaces I know (based on his relationship with his older child from a different relationship) that he will be flaky at best, use my child for his own interest and make a bunch of false promises which I know will crush my dd. I have happily accepted that dd's childhood may be better off without the emotional stress that comes from ex. But still what do I say to her......?

Thanks in advance.

[Jyotsna]

May I give you some advice? My dd2 was the last child in the family and our marriage fell apart when she was about 1 1/2 years. After the separation, I cared for all three children for about 4 1/2 years until our divorce. By the time we had mediation she was 5 1/2 years old and he agreed to allow me to keep her and parent her without him forever. She doesn't have a father, and often the subject comes up about him. Why, when, what then, ect. She has to process it and as her mom, I am the only person she can process it through, except for her counselor.

I told the truth. I waited until she was about 6 1/2 before I answered direct questions. However, I did explain that she was very active and he admitted himself that he was having a hard time being kind to her, and after we spoke about it, it was decided that she would stay with me because I have alot of patience. However, by the time she was 8 years old, I told her the truth about most of it, adding to it that he pinched her near her privates every time he changed her diaper, or feed her a bottle, and I didn't know about it till I heard her crying and walked into the bedroom to see it with my own eyes.

It was hard to tell her this. Also, I haven't found a partner, and I'm not very young, and possibly I may not find anyone, and she so much wants a dad. So what I do is involve her with trustworthy male family members and friends, who love on her, help build her self esteem ect.

Telling the truth can come in stages based on her maturity. Just because she wants to know now, doesn't mean she can process this information fully, nor would it be positive for her to know everything at such a young age. It will be hard for you to share the story in small incriments when she is asking hard questions, but it would be better for her now to share little bits.

My daughter is a very smart and strong child, and as much as she wants a dad, I don't think she needs someone who could be potentially dangerous, like my ex-husband.

You may want to share a photo of him with her, and tell her that you loved him very much, and tell her that he left, and you will know more about that later, but don't have information right now. This is how adoptive parents handle info for their kids, as I did, in small bits, eventually telling the child the entire amount of info that I was given at adoption.

Good luck. Be strong.

[babygirlie]

I would be very honest without your personal emotions thrown in. I would tell her anything she wants to know as early as possible. He is a part of her and very important to her no matter what he has or has not done. She will always love him as a part of her and even if it's true that he was awful she won't feel the same as you do.

I was a kid without a father. I feel I was dumbed down. I didn't even know what a father was and still look at them with fascination and something I will never understand.

The less I knew of him the more glorified it became in my mind. He was quite the secret and my mom hated him very much so to this day I never got to know the real him. I just heard a lot of hatred and it was pretty rare he was ever brought up. I feel like I really missed out. And when confronted well what do you want to know? I don't know anything about him so how can I ask? I would have been very much appreciated to just be told some stories without having to investigate. made life difficult and uncomfortable. Maybe write the good times you had with him down in a journal (even if it makes you want to vomit) or like what was his favorite color? What was his parents like, what was their names. These are really essential things for a girl to know. If I had that I would have kept that thing near me always. But I have nothing but he left us, he's a jerk, etc. Or what do you wanna know? which isn't as helpful as it sounds.

You need to be really open and honest and as early as possible. The more it's hidden the more confused you are about society and yourself.

You may pass on and you're her only link to that person so writing it all down while it's fresh in your mind might be best done sooner than later. I can understand how it might upset you but man is it important to her.

Also if you don't know then answer that.. you honestly don't know.

[zebra15]

Tell her what you honestly know but tell her what she can understand and process for her age.
Yes he moved away, no hes not moving back. No I dont know where he moved to. Sometimes people need to move Etc...
I would keep the lines of communication open and I would keep it age appropriate.

[Theia]

Subbing cuz I'm in your situation just a year behind. My DD hasn't seen her father for nearly 2 years. I know I'm going to have to face this question as well.

[LoveOhm]

I am so sorry your ex was so cruel to your dd. That is just heartbreaking! Thank you so much for your advice.

Originally Posted by Jyotsna

She doesn't have a father, and often the subject comes up about him. Why, when, what then, ect. She has to process it and as her mom, I am the only person she can process it through, except for her counselor.

This is exactly what I am facing.

Originally Posted by Jyotsna

Telling the truth can come in stages based on her maturity. Just because she wants to know now, doesn't mean she can process this information fully, nor would it be positive for her to know everything at such a young age. It will be hard for you to share the story in small incriments when she is asking hard questions, but it would be better for her now to share little bits.

I think I will have to take this advice. Such a true statement but I still feel challenged as to what to say and when. My heart wants to protect her from all hurt and confusion so part of me wants to avoid it but I know I can't. Maybe just more exposure to different types of families......

Originally Posted by Jyotsna

Also, I haven't found a partner, and I'm not very young, and possibly I may not find anyone, and she so much wants a dad. So what I do is involve her with trustworthy male family members and friends, who love on her, help build her self esteem ect.

We do have alot of active male family members around so I don't worry about positive male influences. Also I do have someone special in my life who my dd has had limited exposure to and she adores him. We are just friends at this point but I expect he will be a friend forever regardless of if it becomes more or not.

Originally Posted by Jyotsna

My daughter is a very smart and strong child, and as much as she wants a dad, I don't think she needs someone who could be potentially dangerous, like my ex-husband.

I 100% agree!

Originally Posted by Jyotsna

You may want to share a photo of him with her, and tell her that you loved him very much, and tell her that he left, and you will know more about that later, but don't have information right now. This is how adoptive parents handle info for their kids, as I did, in small bits, eventually telling the child the entire amount of info that I was given at adoption.

I like this train of suggestion but I had a few pictures of ex out for dd (laminated and in her floor book basket) up till a year ago when it was clear the picture and the title confused and distressed her more than it helped. At her school we are one of only two single parent families at the entire school and the other child is older than my dd so not exposed & my IRL single mama friends all expose their children to the men they are dating which I don't --- so my dd expects someone to play at the beach with her, play Wii with her, be the man in the picture. She feels the void and is trying to place something there Grandpa, the guy I am friendly with who she met only three times and very briefly each time in group settings.

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by babygirlie

I would be very honest without your personal emotions thrown in. I would tell her anything she wants to know as early as possible. He is a part of her and very important to her no matter what he has or has not done. She will always love him as a part of her and even if it's true that he was awful she won't feel the same as you do.

I was a kid without a father. I feel I was dumbed down. I didn't even know what a father was and still look at them with fascination and something I will never understand.

The less I knew of him the more glorified it became in my mind. He was quite the secret and my mom hated him very much so to this day I never got to know the real him. I just heard a lot of hatred and it was pretty rare he was ever brought up. I feel like I really missed out. And when confronted well what do you want to know? I don't know anything about him so how can I ask? I would have been very much appreciated to just be told some stories without having to investigate. made life difficult and uncomfortable. Maybe write the good times you had with him down in a journal (even if it makes you want to vomit) or like what was his favorite color? What was his parents like, what was their names. These are really essential things for a girl to know. If I had that I would have kept that thing near me always. But I have nothing but he left us, he's a jerk, etc. Or what do you wanna know? which isn't as helpful as it sounds.

You need to be really open and honest and as early as possible. The more it's hidden the more confused you are about society and yourself.

You may pass on and you're her only link to that person so writing it all down while it's fresh in your mind might be best done sooner than later. I can understand how it might upset you but man is it important to her.

Also if you don't know then answer that.. you honestly don't know.

I am tired so I can't respond properly but want to say I do not hate dd's dad. I am completely indifferent to him as a person as well as him as the bio-father of my dd. Both dd and I are constantly happy but yes there are questions she is beginning to have and as her mama I am seeking guidance on how to help her process all of this.

I do hope when dd is older she will reconnect with her bio-father but as a person not a parent. And I plan to use a PI to locate him down about once a year so I will have a trail to start her on when she is older.

Also plan to tell the truth but I also need to really think about what to say and at what point. And for clarity any ill feelings I have for my ex is solely related to him being a flake toward my dd and the stress it caused her in the past and my desire to protect her from that now.

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by zebra15

Tell her what you honestly know but tell her what she can understand and process for her age.
Yes he moved away, no he is not moving back. No I dont know where he moved to. Sometimes people need to move Etc...
I would keep the lines of communication open and I would keep it age appropriate.

That was my exact train of thinking when I told dd that her dad moved away but then I did not know what to say to her further inquiries. Up till now that has been enough and all I have needed to say. But dd now has more questions and I feel all I can say is he moved. I can't answer the why, the where or the if he is coming back because I honestly don't know.

To the best of my knowledge he is living in our same county or one county away ----- 1-2 hours drive without traffic regardless of the county. I don't honestly know he is not coming back because I can't control that until his rights are terminated.

I don't feel I am lying to dd telling her that he moved because ex has moved (several times in fact since she was born) but given the short distance his moving is not the true reason he is not in the picture.

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by Theia

Subbing cuz I'm in your situation just a year behind. My DD hasn't seen her father for nearly 2 years. I know I'm going to have to face this question as well.

Thanks for the support!!! It is tough I thought I still had more time before having to address this. It comes around quickly. But I know we will get through it.

[Minxie]

My four-year-old son knows his dad but his dad hasn't talked with him since last Valentine's Day due to his anger with me. So...that is what I tell him. "Daddy and Mama had a disagreement, and we cannot reach an agreement."

DS: "What was the disagreement, Mama?"

Me: "Grown-up things, not Bubbie things. Daddy and Mama both love you very much but we cannot agree. It's okay for you to love and miss your Daddy, you know."

DS: "I wish you and Daddy would get married so that Daddy would live with us."

Me: "That's NOT going to happen, Bub. Daddy lives in his house and we live in our house. It's okay for you to love and miss your Daddy, though."

We talk about his dad when he wants to discuss him. He asks me about his dad's parents, about how old his dad is, tells me his dad is a super-hero and that he misses him. I never run down his father but I do tell him that I disagree with the way Daddy is handling the disagreement (by not talking to us). I remind him that it is okay to disagree with someone you love, and that it is important to communicate with them when you do. I never wanted him to feel that his dad didn't love him or that he was the reason for our split. I reiterate that it is okay for him to love his dad so that he doesn't feel he needs to choose between us (can you tell I'm a child of divorce? )

When my son was three, he decided he wanted to grow up to be "big and strong and dark-brown like my Daddy!" He recently told me that he wants to grow up to be white like me. I don't freak out that he doesn't like his own color; I just take it as reassurance that my son knows on whom he can depend.

[eclipse]

I grew up without a dad, and my mother was very, very honest with me. She answered only what I asked, but by the time I was four I knew that my parents divorced while I was pregnant and my father was in prison for murder and wasn't a safe person to be around, and that she was glad she divorced him because it helped keep us safe. I'm sure it was very hard for her to tell such a young child those details, but the advantage was that I was too young to be shocked by it - I just grew up knowing it. There was no shocking moment that crushed a fantasy about who my father was.

[Theia]

Originally Posted by eclipse

I grew up without a dad, and my mother was very, very honest with me. She answered only what I asked, but by the time I was four I knew that my parents divorced while I was pregnant and my father was in prison for murder and wasn't a safe person to be around, and that she was glad she divorced him because it helped keep us safe. I'm sure it was very hard for her to tell such a young child those details, but the advantage was that I was too young to be shocked by it - I just grew up knowing it. There was no shocking moment that crushed a fantasy about who my father was.

Thank you for that post. In my case, DD's father is also not a safe person for us to have in our lives. In my gut, I've always felt that for DD I need to be honest with her from the start. As age appropriate and only what she asks. But since it's a matter of danger rather than ego conflict, the truth needs to be spoken. It's always a delicate line to walk.

[meemee]

hey LoveOhm, i can imagine how heart wrenching this is. i also would say honesty but how to a 3 1/2 year old. one of the things i would be aware of is to make sure you answer just her questions. sometimes like the death questions we freak out when they just want to know and we think of all the other aspects.

i thought i'd share an odd situation with us. (not trying to compare here or make you feel better but just sharing an odd side that surprised me). happened around 5 when dd was going thru a hard time - hormonal changes so deeply emotional and lots of self angst. she was really struggling with ex because of his parenting style. she loved him but no longer wanted him for a dad. so she asked my best friend if she could call him daddy. he connected with her better than her daddy did. they played like siblings rather than adult child. but its something she has kept up. last month she admitted that she secretly wished another of my friends with whom she hangs out a lot was her real daddy instead of the one she has. it made me sooo sad. poor child. ex is improving a lot, but as dd said last week, 'he loves me too much. he smothers me. i just want to break free and get away from him. he has this picture of me in his head rather than seeing me for who i am. aaargh its so frustrating mama.'

i know its not the same. but even with fathers in their lives... if he cannot truly be there for her - it still causes problems.

[zebra15]

Originally Posted by eclipse

I grew up without a dad, and my mother was very, very honest with me. She answered only what I asked, but by the time I was four I knew that my parents divorced while I was pregnant and my father was in prison for murder and wasn't a safe person to be around, and that she was glad she divorced him because it helped keep us safe. I'm sure it was very hard for her to tell such a young child those details, but the advantage was that I was too young to be shocked by it - I just grew up knowing it. There was no shocking moment that crushed a fantasy about who my father was.

This is very similiar to my DS. DS is 9 and knows what his dad did almost 4 years ago. I dont think he understands the implications of what 'that' was. He will say things like 'X' was sick and 'abc' happened and thats why he lives at the state hospital now. Or he will say 'X' didn't take his medicine before and thats why he did 'abc'. DS doesnt know about the court, the sentence, what 'really' happened that morning etc but he has some understanding of what went on. He also knows 'X' isnt coming home and we will never live together (not that we ever did).
DS and I have discussed moving away, since we still live in the same state and DS is ok with that.

[babygirlie]

I do hope when dd is older she will reconnect with her bio-father but as a person not a parent. And I plan to use a PI to locate him down about once a year so I will have a trail to start her on when she is older.

I think that is awesome! My plan was to meet my dad when I turned 18. Unfortunately he died when I was 16 and I was extremly hurt and bitter about it to this day.


I also was told it was for my safety. my dad was in prison and broke out and we changed my name but not our address(?) and he did all this bad stuff. It wasn't until I was over 30 did I hear a single nice thing about him. My mom didn't rant or rage just said things matter of fact. But I learned little things like my ugly dresser I couldn't wait to toss out.. well he actually stained it. Never knew it this whole time. Used it my entire life and I actually had something he touched. Or when my mom died I found out he actually paved our driveway. There was some good in him somewhere. And then a few months ago I discovered I had a half brother and he got to meet him on his graduation day and that he wasn't that bad of a guy. I'm very angry I didn't get to make my OWN opinion about the man. Don't get me wrong. He was probably a bad influence in every way... but there is definatly a hole in my heart. I also had a blanket with a half sister's name which always confused me. Had no idea why this person's name was on my blanket until I was 13. I just wish I had a chance to know other things about him. I wish people didn't avoid it or give as little info as possible or dumb it down for me. Hurts very much.