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I need help, how do I make my teen understand why she must do her shores

post #1 of 27
Thread Starter 
I have an overall good teen, she has good grades, she is a good sister, she trust me with her school drama, etc. But, she is driving me crazy with her "I forget do my shores", is not only the shores but almost anything I ask her to do. She most of the time ask me to do it later and she end up "forgetting".
Now, if I told her to do it right away she would, but do I really have to keep telling her what to do even if she has been on charge of the dishes for 3 years?
I understand teen and no so teens forget about things that we don't really care, I actually forget sometimes about things I care, but this is getting very frustrating and I don't know how to deal with it anymore.
Almost everyday she forget to do the dishes, last night I ask her to pick up her stuff from the floor in a commercial but the stuff was there still today morning.
I don't want to keep just repeating my self over and over, is any way I can make her understand why she should do it without me asking?
She doesn't have a phone (she lose it) and she doesn't have a computer, only thing she has is an allowance.
She is into reading and drawing, and even if she has friends at school she really don't see them out of school, so I ma at lost in how to punish her since reading is actually something I like her to do so I don't want to punish her without books.
Any help?
Sorry this is too long, I am very sad that the great relationship we use to have is being destroy by her "I forget"
post #2 of 27
We're a family that doesn't have assigned chores. So, take my advice for what it is.

Perhaps you should have a talk with her about what she views as her responsibility around the house. If she has some buy-in and choice about what she helps you with, she might be more likely to get it done.

Your last comment makes me feel sad: I hope you're not letting your great relationship be ruined by her decision to not engage in housework. Be frank and open about it and don't let things fester, but at the same time be sure that you are being reasonable and not nagging her.

Hope this helps you.
post #3 of 27
I think you have a couple of options.

If she's not good at doing things later, you could try telling her she has to do them right away when you ask. No "pick up your stuff during a commercial," turn off the tv and make her do it right away.

My mom was the champion of doing your chore for you and making you wish you'd done it yourself. You left your clothes on the floor? Oh gosh, she put them in the laundry for you. All together. Cold water wash. Cycle started right before you got up, sweetie, I'm sorry, I guess that did make it hard to shower. Oh, and you wanted to *wear* that shirt today? Too bad. Dishes not done? They're just piled up in your usual spot at the breakfast table, hon. I'll put the breakfast dishes with them and you can get to them later. It was kind of diabolical, but it worked.
post #4 of 27
Thread Starter 
Thank you for the advice. I am trying to don't let this chores thing affect our relationship but some days I just get so upset and mad that things don't see to get any better and that we are just running in circles.
I'm going to talk to her and see if there is a reason why she keeps procrastinating, maybe Onlyboys is right and she just think I am asking too much.
I really don't think I am but she may does and maybe that is why she is acting like this.
I had a good laugh for MeepyCat, your mom sounds like mine too, lol.
post #5 of 27
My sons have few chores, but the ones they have are insisted upon. When they get lazy or "forget," I tell them that if I have to spend time doing their work, then that's less time I have to spend with them or taking them places. It's also less time I have for my own work (the kind I get paid for), so that means less money to do fun stuff or buy things. Usually that gets the point across.

I have also done like MeepyCat's mom has done...especially with the dishes. Four people eat here; all four can help with dishes. If the dishwasher doesn't get unloaded, then the person responsible gets to unload AND reload the sink full of dirty dishes. Dirty dishes sort of gross my kids out, for some reason.

Also, having a set time every day for certain chores makes it easier. Work now, play later.
post #6 of 27
we dont have an assigned list, i just tell him when to do something and he does it
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post #7 of 27
We don't have chores either. When something needs to be done, I ask one of the kids to do it, and they do. Perhaps your daughter is tired of dishes and needs another chore? Maybe she could do vacuuming or sorting laundry for a while. Dishes do seem like drudgery if you do them every day.

When my kids were balky or "forgot" to do something I asked them to do, I "forgot" to take them to a friends house or that I said we would go out for lunch. It got through better than constant nagging did (and I nagged for a long time before I finally saw the light).
post #8 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by enkmom View Post
We don't have chores either. When something needs to be done, I ask one of the kids to do it, and they do.
I just want to mention that that sort of thing works best when everyone is home together for most of the day. I WOTH and go to school, and my teenagers are here, there, and everywhere. It's most helpful if the kids help around the house without me having to chase them down and ask them. Sometimes I leave for work and DS is still asleep, and then when I get back from work he's gone to a friend's house. When am I supposed to ask him to unload the dishwasher?

DS1 leaves for work at 6am. I'm still in bed. When he gets home, I'm frequently at work. When I get home, he's frequently gone to bed. The trash still needs to go out.
post #9 of 27
I didn't mean to imply that I ask them to do something and it happens immediately. I have some of the same issues you do. I ask them, or leave a note - the trash needs to go out tonight, please empty the dishwasher before I get home, have a salad ready so I can fix the rest of the meal.
post #10 of 27
I just wanted to say-- I really wish that my parents had given me more chores as a child/teen. Not only did I not know how to do anything when I left the home, but I don't have the discipline to do maintenance chores. I also feel ashamed of how little I helped out at home, now that I see other teens helping out so much more.
post #11 of 27
[QUOTE=enkmom;15724330
When my kids were balky or "forgot" to do something I asked them to do, I "forgot" to take them to a friends house or that I said we would go out for lunch. It got through better than constant nagging did (and I nagged for a long time before I finally saw the light).[/QUOTE]

Awesome advice!
post #12 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by texmati View Post
I just wanted to say-- I really wish that my parents had given me more chores as a child/teen. Not only did I not know how to do anything when I left the home, but I don't have the discipline to do maintenance chores. I also feel ashamed of how little I helped out at home, now that I see other teens helping out so much more.
i come across that a lot at work. we get peole fresh outvof hs not knowing how to cook or clean. its really important these life skills are taught
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post #13 of 27
I had a chore list. I liked that. We had a reward for doing it (allowance) and if we didn't, we had to do it anyway within a time-frame, or we couldn't go out.

One thing my mom did NOT explain to me, that I think would have at least maybe got through a little more, was that in a family, everyone has responsibilities. Shared labor allows us to live together and get more done. Food gets cooked because mom's not scrubbing the tub. We can't afford to eat out, so your alternative is cold cereal. You might feel this is obvious and perhaps it is but it wasn't to me as a teen.

So, in addition to a chore list with a specific reward (however small), plus a daily chat at breakfast (a chat being--look at your chore list/umph), you might want to explain why it's important to you that she do these things.

It's not only that she needs to learn them. She WILL learn them when she really needs to (her roomates are pissed at her). It's that she is benefiting from being part of the family and she has concomitant obligations to help.

If she wants to re-design those, you can look at it, but if she does not wish to pull her weight, she needs to find a job to buy you all some meals. (Maybe she'd rather cook the meals?)

I think that would have hit home for me. I need things spelled out and hammered in.
post #14 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by MeepyCat View Post
My mom was the champion of doing your chore for you and making you wish you'd done it yourself. You left your clothes on the floor? Oh gosh, she put them in the laundry for you. All together. Cold water wash. Cycle started right before you got up, sweetie, I'm sorry, I guess that did make it hard to shower. Oh, and you wanted to *wear* that shirt today? Too bad. Dishes not done? They're just piled up in your usual spot at the breakfast table, hon. I'll put the breakfast dishes with them and you can get to them later. It was kind of diabolical, but it worked.
That's kinda how I do things too.

My Mom was the rant, rage and overreact type. So, I try really hard to never act like she does.
post #15 of 27
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
One thing my mom did NOT explain to me, that I think would have at least maybe got through a little more, was that in a family, everyone has responsibilities. Shared labor allows us to live together and get more done. Food gets cooked because mom's not scrubbing the tub. We can't afford to eat out, so your alternative is cold cereal. You might feel this is obvious and perhaps it is but it wasn't to me as a teen.

So, in addition to a chore list with a specific reward (however small), plus a daily chat at breakfast (a chat being--look at your chore list/umph), you might want to explain why it's important to you that she do these things.

It's not only that she needs to learn them. She WILL learn them when she really needs to (her roomates are pissed at her). It's that she is benefiting from being part of the family and she has concomitant obligations to help.
.
Edna, I share your point, I know eventually she will have to do this things on her own(when she moves on) or leave in a mess. I also know that teens are difficult but they get better (I am hoping for this, lol). my mom told me I was like her, or maybe worst, so much that she one day told me she felt sorry for his grandkids (she told me this when I was 15 and haven't any kids) because I was so messy she is afraid I would not even pick up their diapers. You have no idea how much that stuck on my head, no need to say that even if I am not the most anal person I am not as messy as I use to and I learn to appreciate the order and keep everything in the right place.
I just wish my daughter would understand why is important to be part of a team and to learn to do this things that in a future will help her.
I wish we could spend more time talking and enjoying things instead of argue about the same thing, I really hope this is just a face and that she will be back my sweet girl, I miss her a lot and I start doubt my parent skills
post #16 of 27
Quote:
I learn to appreciate the order and keep everything in the right place.
I just wish my daughter would understand why...
This is what happened to me. Just as I got a handle on organizing my own stuff and keeping my place clean we went and had a child. And so the cycle begins again...
post #17 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by MeepyCat View Post
My mom was the champion of doing your chore for you and making you wish you'd done it yourself. You left your clothes on the floor? Oh gosh, she put them in the laundry for you. All together. Cold water wash. Cycle started right before you got up, sweetie, I'm sorry, I guess that did make it hard to shower. Oh, and you wanted to *wear* that shirt today? Too bad. Dishes not done? They're just piled up in your usual spot at the breakfast table, hon. I'll put the breakfast dishes with them and you can get to them later. It was kind of diabolical, but it worked.
Would NOT work with my almost 16 yo. But if I have to supervise her, and it eats into my time, then...

Quote:
Originally Posted by enkmom View Post
When my kids were balky or "forgot" to do something I asked them to do, I "forgot" to take them to a friends house or that I said we would go out for lunch. It got through better than constant nagging did (and I nagged for a long time before I finally saw the light).
It does help, but not immediately.
post #18 of 27
Get her a cell phone and program reminders for the chores into it.
post #19 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by YoviC View Post
Edna, I share your point, I know eventually she will have to do this things on her own(when she moves on) or leave in a mess. I also know that teens are difficult but they get better (I am hoping for this, lol). my mom told me I was like her, or maybe worst, so much that she one day told me she felt sorry for his grandkids (she told me this when I was 15 and haven't any kids) because I was so messy she is afraid I would not even pick up their diapers. You have no idea how much that stuck on my head, no need to say that even if I am not the most anal person I am not as messy as I use to and I learn to appreciate the order and keep everything in the right place.
I just wish my daughter would understand why is important to be part of a team and to learn to do this things that in a future will help her.
I wish we could spend more time talking and enjoying things instead of argue about the same thing, I really hope this is just a face and that she will be back my sweet girl, I miss her a lot and I start doubt my parent skills
It is just hard for modern teens to see how work gets divided, is all, because so much is automatic. I'm sure you're not a bad parent! I mean... she's living in aplace where if stuff doesn't get picked up, there are no natural consequences. She can leave it there (unlike on a dirt floor) for weeks and even months and then it gets washed and it seems okay.

But clutter isn't good for the mind, though I recall being so cluttered as a teen I couldn't think straight anyway, so a tidy room was the last of my worries. LOL.

Can you tell her, in one sentence, that you're frustrated because the family is lagging, and ask her to come up with a chore schedule that she feels is fair considering the benefits that you all get? Sit with her while she does it. Perhaps give her a list of ALL the stuff EVERYONE does, including work outside the home. She can divide it up herself. Then she can see that you're not asking her to do something for YOU--you're asking her to do it for the family.
post #20 of 27
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
Get her a cell phone and program reminders for the chores into it.
You know, this maybe work, I know I use my computer to remind me of doctor appointments so she may will need this extra help too.
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