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post #21 of 27
The underlying problem here is that you're feeling frustrated with her, not that there's clutter on the living room floor or that the dishes aren't being done. She's making promises and not following through, and your'e getting angry and feeling taken advantage of.

You need to sit down and talk with her. Let her know how her "forgetfulness" is making you feel. Work together to come up with alternatives that work for both of you. Maybe you need to switch the chores around, give her something less "time sensitive" to do and take care of the dishes yourself. Maybe you need to stop giving her "ok, 5 more minutes" or "next commercial" to do chores. She's proven time and time again that her brain just isn't working like that right now- she's too easily distracted and simply won't get back to the chores later, so they have to be done "now."

Do you have a DVR? We're able to pause TV shows in the middle and then restart them a few minutes later without missing any of the show (and then be able to fast forward through commercials later.) If you have this device, then it's truly not a big deal to pause wherever she is and do chores immediately. If you don't, then it's added incentive for her to get work done BEFORE her shows come on.

I have one "forgetful" teen and one "responsible with chores" teen. The challenge in my house is to keep the chores fair and not let the "responsible" one do more than her fair share, which leads to her being resentful and makes all of us miserable. The "forgetful" teen isn't given "repetetive, time sensitive" chores such as emptying the dishwasher- she takes out the trash once a week, scrubs the bathtub once a month, does major cleaning/decluttering projects once every few weeks ,etc. She also does laundry when I specifically ask her to do it "right away," though I'm generally the one in charge of laundry. She pulls her weight around the house but isnt' expected to to the little things that she's going to forget to do. My other teen takes on more of those kinds of chores.
post #22 of 27
I was recently diagnosed with ADD inattentive type. Growing up, I forgot things ALL.THE.TIME. Doesn't matter if it was stuff that was REALLY important to me or things I was used to for years. It still managed to slip my mind.

Apparently that is normal for girls with ADD especially with no one catching it.

Now I don't know much about your daughter so I could be way off base but maybe there is something going on that truly makes it HARD for her to remember. With her being a good student, does she seem to require going above and beyond to get homework done on time? Does she seem to have other challenges besides being really forgetful? It might be worth it to look down other avenues of possibility.

ADD or not, I would agree that the best thing to do is make a chore chart. I had one and it was posted right on the refridgerator. I had it til I moved out at 18 and some odd months. I couldn't forget what my chores were for the day because anytime I wanted to eat, there it was reminding me. If she has her own bathroom, it might help to have things posted on the mirror in there too to help remind her.

If she is anything like me at all, she probably feels guilt for being so forgetful and hurting you. She probably does understand the importance of doing chores as expected. I'd definitely have a talk with her about it and working together to problem solve such as the reminders posted wherever works best.

As for me remembering... ADD wasn't noticed in me til I had a baby and needed to learn to juggle things. It took over a year of completely drowning with a messy house well worse than the 'don't worry about it, baby comes first' schpeel people give for new babies as well as a serious marital problem caused before I got it figured out and am now working to be and feel better.

Yes, eventually she'll have to learn. She'll definitely have to learn to do all this for herself someday. Hopefully though with your guidance, she'll learn before she has to hit bottom.

I'd also like to add that ADD is more common in those with a family history of it. I am POSITIVE my mom has ADD inattentive type as well but has learned unhealthy ways of managing it. My brother is also being diagnosed with it as well and unusual for boys, inattentive type for him too. Based on your same problems as a teenager, it would definitely make sense. Of course, I'm only going off ONE symptom here.
post #23 of 27
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by treeoflife3 View Post
She's making promises and not following through, and your'e getting angry and feeling taken advantage of.
Maybe you need to stop giving her "ok, 5 more minutes" or "next commercial" to do chores. She's proven time and time again that her brain just isn't working like that right now- she's too easily distracted and simply won't get back to the chores later, so they have to be done "now."

a) I feel that she knows how to work me, I mean, I make a very bad mistake, I let her do the "Let me watch this before" or the "5 minutes later", just because I want her to learn to do this things not just to make ME happy but to teach her how to live better her whole life.
I also think that I normally get upset and after being upset I calm down and talk and everything go back to normal so she only have to hold on and she will get away with it.
I want her to do this her part because she understand that everybody in the house has to cooperate one way or other, and because I want her to learn to do this things for her own good.
Honestly, sometimes I spend more time talking to her and trying to make her understand that the time it will take me do the dishes my own.
But while I wait to see of I found the formula for do this I think that at least it wont be any more "5 more minutes/next commercial".
post #24 of 27
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by treeoflife3 View Post
I'd also like to add that ADD is more common in those with a family history of it. Based on your same problems as a teenager, it would definitely make sense. Of course, I'm only going off ONE symptom here.
I actually thought about this at one point, I do have very bad memory, to the point to forget important things in my life.
However, I see a difference between her bad memory and mine.
When I am studding it takes a lot for me to memorize or learn any paragraph, for her, she barely study and get good grates.
She remember very good things that are good for her while I many times forget things that are good for me.
Now, my bad memory probably have something to do with her attitude, because many times I ask her to do something and I forget until maybe the next day when I need a glass and we don't have any clean ones, or when I get really mad at her and 2 hours later I am colling her like nothing is going on until I remember, wait, I was mad at you.

[/QUOTE]If she is anything like me at all, she probably feels guilt for being so forgetful and hurting you. She probably does understand the importance of doing chores as expected. I'd definitely have a talk with her about it and working together to problem solve such as the reminders posted wherever works best.[/QUOTE]

I think sometimes she is, not always but sometimes I really can see in her eyes that she gets mad at her self, I can see that in her mind she is going to change, but for some reason she doesn't.
Sometimes when I see her like that I wonder if maybe she is trying but I am asking too much.
But is difficult for me to digest this because I came from a poor family where my grandma had to cook for all her brother and sisters, where my own mom was taking care of her older sister and be in charge of many chores at the house and where me at her age I was already doing a lot stuff.
Many kids/preteens back in Mexico are doing more then she has ever have, I don't say that she should go and work to pay her own food or that she should do as much things that some of these poor kids do, but is sad for me to see that she is the first generation (American) in my side of the family that is not capable of follow one chore without me having to ask her everyday, it scares me to be honest. I look around and I see how much she has (well, we are not rich but i mean how much she has in comparation of me and my mom) and I am wonder if maybe this is all my fault, maybe I am just a bad parent that haven't teach her the joy of hard work and take proud of being capable of being independent.
I have feel so bad because all we went through back in Mexico that I have being trying to pay her back all this by giving her stuff and allowing her to "do later" or be afraid of her being more disapointed at me.
Oh my, I think I am having a revelation right now, maybe she is doing this because she knows she can get away with it because she knows that I feel bad for what we went throught?!!
That will be very awful, I really will don't know how to what to do in that case, I think I would rather her being just a very lazy teen.
post #25 of 27
I doubt that she's consciously doing this because " she knows she can pull at your heartstrings and get away with it," although that might be happening subconsciously.

My younger daughter (the "forgetful" one) probably has ADD, and I probably have it as well. I really don't like labels; I prefer to say "this is the way her brain works, that's the way her brain works, and they need different techniques to keep the chores fair."

If your DD does have ADD, then the TV itself could be making her symptoms worse- something about the rapidly flashing lights affecting the ADD brain's ability to focus.

Try not to get mad at her for not being able to do what she's not capable of doing. Instead, you need to set the limits around her actual abilities. I can tell DD1 "please clean the kitchen" and she'll usually do so. But DD2 needs to be told "clear the kitchen table: put the food away, transfer leftovers into containers and put those containers in the fridge, put the dishes in the dishwasher, take the dishes from the sink and put them in the dishwasher, put the silverware in the dishwasher, wipe down the counters and the stovetop, add detergent and run the dishwasher." If I forget to mention a step (like putting the dishes from the sink, and not just from the table, into the dishwasher) it simply won't get done.

I can bet that the poor kids in Mexico, even the ones with ADD, aren't being distracted by electronics: they have chores to do, and if they forget to do something, a relative will quickly (and loudly?) remind them what needs to be done.
post #26 of 27
Thread Starter 
Update:
I have tried all your advice and add some of my own. We had a long conversation, I told her how exactly felt with this. I told her I just needed to see some light, she told me how she felt too. She felt I was always after her and yell for anything. I told her I was just so tired and that I was at that point that even little things seem bigger because we haven't able to fix things that have been going on for years (like doing her chores without everyday reminding).
We made a deal, I will stop arguing and she will change at least one thing of her bad behavior (to show me this can work).
All since then, she keeps forgetting running the dishes
My husband got her the Sims game, I wasn't happy but I thought it would give me another option to make her do the dishes, didn't work either, she did start putting the dishes at 7pm (that is the deal) but didn't run the dishwasher before go to bed.
I lost my head yesterday and I spank her
I feel awful, I really do. I am against spanking, specially at this age, she is a teen!
But this thing has going on for so long, I am just tired.
Still, she forgot dishes again last night, I don't know what to do anymore.
Today I just thought a new approach, I am putting all my hopes on it.
I draw a very colorful paper with big, clear laters saying:
Have you do your chores today?
I hope this really work because I run out of ideas and I totally don't want to lose my head again.
post #27 of 27
Turning on the dishwasher takes less than a minute. Loading up the dishes is the time consuming part.

Every day, before you go to bed, go through the house to double-check that things are done. If she forgot to turn on the dishwasher, then YOU turn it on.

This little detail- turning on the dishwasher- is HARD for her to remember. It can't be done too soon or she can't add another dish or two that she might find 5 minutes later. So she gets into the habit of loading the dishwasher but not running it yet. Then, by the time she's sure she's got all the dishes in there, she glances around the kitchen, sees no more dishes to add to the machine, and walks out of the room, completely forgetting to turn it on.

If she was hand-washing all the dishes (much more work total) she wouldn't have to do this- she'd be washing them as she went through the work.

Once again, you're expecting something of her that she can't do, and getting frustrated when she doesn't follow through. You need to change your expectations. Her job is to load the dishwasher, but it needs to be YOUR responsibility to make sure it's run before bed.
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