Parents of 3 or more...

[GoBecGo]

There are 4 years between DD1 and DD2. FOr the longest ime i ACTUALLY thought i was a parent, that i was parenting. I had a whole set of beliefs about things - "i'd never use a pushchair/pram, far too much fuss!" "nap time IS important, i don't mind scheduling around it!".

Now of course i have 2 and i realise that when you have the stuff your first AND second kids need, a pushchair is actually a handy thing, and can save you feeling like a pack animal all day, loaded up with baby, nappies, spare clothes, toys/snacks/water etc. etc., and naps can be incredibly important for the baby if i want, but DD1 will be climbing the walls if i expect her to live her life around them.

So is that it? Or will i discover after #3 that THAT kind of parenting is a whole other animal again? I realise now i was just a person with one kid, not a parent at all! Not by comparison anyway....gotta stop, #2 crying!

[ChetMC]

Evolution

We have four kids. The oldest is six. The youngest is ten months.

I would say that parenting continues to evolve and change as you have more children. We have core beliefs that we've stuck with, but many day to day things are different due to the fact that we have a larger family now.

With more kids I am more preemptive. I am much more inclined to head certain things off at the pass before they have the opportunity to escalate to a problem. Lots of things that aren't a problem with one kid are an issue if you have three kids doing it.

With other things we're mellowed and are more lax. With four small kids it becomes more important to pick and choose your battles. There are only so many hours in a day.

Parents in general grow and change, but I do think that the number of children influences the direction. I have often read threads and been able guess at how many kids the poster had.

[sewchris2642]

Whatever you learned with one child will not work with the next. You have to learn it all over again with each child. On the other hand, the more children you have, the better able you are to sort out the essentials/needs from the fluff/wants. Sometimes, it's all about triage and survival. Joy was very laid back. It was almost like when I didn't have kids. But then I had Erica. And everything changed. She needed the rigid, set in stone, must-not-ever change routine. Angela went with the flow. And just when I thought that I had it all down pat and was a BTDT parent of adults and teens, we had Dylan. And it was as if I was a first time mom all over again.

[VillageMom6]

I think the more children one has, the more opportunities to grow in humility one has.

With my first child I had all the answers. I was dogmatic about everything.

There are still topics about which I feel strongly, but I have learned that there is room for fluidity in parenting approaches because every child and every family is different.

My philosophy now is that every family has to figure out what works best for them. If that looks a little different from how I do things, okay. How I do things may even look different from how I've done things before.

At the end of the day what matters is that each child is loved and cared for. If that meant that the child spent some time in a stroller or all of his time in a carrier, fine and dandy.

[lovingmommyhood]

Originally Posted by VillageMom6

I think the more children one has, the more opportunities to grow in humility one has.

With my first child I had all the answers. I was dogmatic about everything.

There are still topics about which I feel strongly, but I have learned that there is room for fluidity in parenting approaches because every child and every family is different.

My philosophy now is that every family has to figure out what works best for them. If that looks a little different from how I do things, okay. How I do things may even look different from how I've done things before.

At the end of the day what matters is that each child is loved and cared for. If that meant that the child spent some time in a stroller or all of his time in a carrier, fine and dandy.

THIS!!

So many times I had to eat my words with DS2. Things that I swore I'd never do (let a kid keep a paci past age 1...have a child in diapers at age 3...let a child under one drink juice...just to name a few) I was doing without apology. I realized that there are big things in life that matter and then there is nit picking. lol. Choose your battles. Exactly!

I'm hoping to have another baby, number four, in the next year...I wonder what things will change for me at that point? Time will tell!

[Peony]

I will second just about everything. Things that were so important to me with #1, don't even register on my radar with #3. I certainly pick my battles, I have gotten much more laid back over time and I wasn't exactly "uptight" to begin with. Some things I wouldn't imagine not doing because they are so important to me, others, eh some sugar is not going to kill my kids, even if it is for breakfast! And yes, my standards decreased greatly again after #3.

[lilyka]

funny you mentioned napping. for me, nap time got more important with each child and yeah, I didn't care if the president of the united states and the queen of England wanted to come over for a playdate if it was 1:00PM they would have been turned away and told to come back in a couple of hours after the baby napped.

but i was a different parent with each child. (having one does not make you less of a parent. it just makes you a different one from the parent you now are with two.) As a unit we just had different needs each time our family changed (about the time i adjusted to the third child my husband left us and I became a single parent). Tools and ideals and philosophies are just that....its all just stuff you use as you need it and as it meets each child's needs.

[Lisa1970]

I stopped vaccinating after 4 and started in with organic foods. And, umm, LOL...I gave up a stroller after 3. I mean, with the 4th child, I skipped the stroller. It was too hard to go anyplace that called for a stroller!

[cappuccinosmom]

I have three.

We change, we learn, we grow.

You were a parent of one. You are a parent with two. You don't have to have it all perfectly figured out in order to call yourself a parent.

Personally, with #3 I started to find the stroller a hassle (besides which, I am apparently exactly the wrong height for the things and am very uncomfortable pushing them). By the time he was 2 yo he was walking 2+ miles. Slowly. But why rush anyway?

[hopefulfaith]

Originally Posted by VillageMom6

I think the more children one has, the more opportunities to grow in humility one has.

With my first child I had all the answers. I was dogmatic about everything.

There are still topics about which I feel strongly, but I have learned that there is room for fluidity in parenting approaches because every child and every family is different.

My philosophy now is that every family has to figure out what works best for them. If that looks a little different from how I do things, okay. How I do things may even look different from how I've done things before.

At the end of the day what matters is that each child is loved and cared for. If that meant that the child spent some time in a stroller or all of his time in a carrier, fine and dandy.

Wow, exactly!

I only have two, but I found that I ate a lot of my words when #2 came around. "Good" parenting looked a little differently to me when my entire universe had to be centered around more than one tiny person.

[Llyra]

The humility comment really rang true for me. I never had two; we went straight from one to three. And wow, yeah, I definitely found the experience humbling. I had a lot of "always" and "never" beliefs with DD1. Honestly, with three, there just wasn't time to fuss about a lot of the things that I used to think were so critically important. But the important beliefs-- the ones that really matter, like staying connected to kids and meeting their needs-- didn't get compromised. Just the externals. Like the stroller-- I didn't even have one with DD1. Once we had the twins, though, we had this enormous deluxe double stroller with a platform for DD1 to perch on, and lots of cargo room. And you know what? The twins are 3 1/2 now, and only rarely ride in it, but if I'm going to the zoo or the beach or whatever, I still bring it, to carry all the STUFF.

[Drummer's Wife]

Originally Posted by VillageMom6

I think the more children one has, the more opportunities to grow in humility one has.

With my first child I had all the answers. I was dogmatic about everything.

There are still topics about which I feel strongly, but I have learned that there is room for fluidity in parenting approaches because every child and every family is different.

My philosophy now is that every family has to figure out what works best for them. If that looks a little different from how I do things, okay. How I do things may even look different from how I've done things before.

At the end of the day what matters is that each child is loved and cared for. If that meant that the child spent some time in a stroller or all of his time in a carrier, fine and dandy.

Very well said.

I has four, and there are plenty of things I thought I knew when I only had one, and many things I said I'd never do... Sometimes your ideals go out the window just so you can survive and get through the day.

[mumm]

Agree with all! Especially having more opportunities for humility and lowering one's standards. My oldest was 7 when my youngest two were born. I hated strollers for all of them unless I was running for the sake of running. I *thought* I might need to change my strong beliefs about breastfeeding when the twins came. (At 3+ years old and still nursing 6+ times a day, each, I think I'll be okay!) But 3 day old braids in a kid's hair that still look somewhat ok, are fine. If the shirt looks clean even if you slept in it, whatever. I can't imagine my first born going 48 hours without a shampoo but now my youngest girls can go a week. The lake water is cleansing, right?

Honestly, I have learned to be much more spontaneous with 4 kids. To the point of not being able to plan much at all. I can say that afternoons are good, but maybe someone will be napping late. I can say that morning are good but maybe someone is napping by 9am. So we just go with the flow. Pre-kids I lived by my appointment calendar. Now, heck, I'm not even sure where the kitchen calendar is!

[mamaofthree]

i have 5 with #6 due in jan 2011. maybe it is the spacing. the closest my kids are together is 2 1/2 years. my oldest two are 16 and 12, so they handle there own stuff. even the younger boys (8,6,3) don't take much for me to get ready. even when they were younger. water bottles, change of clothes in a bag in the car, a diaper or two in the big handbag, i don't have to worry about bottles (we breastfeed), throw the littlest into the sling and the hold the hands of the other small ones. BUT i have to admit we don't do "the mall" usually just places they can run about it (ie park, beach, kids museums, etc). PLUS if we are all going out (to someplace other then the above mentioned) , dh is usually along and he has someone on his shoulders. i don't have a problem at all with strollers, we have had them in the past, we just didn't really use them. i do wish i had a good jogging stroller so i could go for a brisk walk now and then. lol

h

[donutmolly]

Yes, my perspective changed significantly going from 1 to 2 to 3 kiddos -- there are things that work when you only have one little person to care for that simply aren't feasible when you have more (particularly if they are close in age and have multiple small children who need you to do stuff for them).

For instance, I simply can't lay down with my youngest baby for 45 minutes to get her to sleep like I did with my oldest, I had to find a quicker way for her to get quality sleep so that the whole family isn't a wreck. With my oldest, my life basically revolved around getting her to sleep the first 2 years of her life.

I was just talking to a friend with 4 kiddos about how she struggles having patience with her friends who have 2... when they complain about how much work it is to go to the store, etc. with their kids. Honestly, if I have only 2 of my kids with me, if feels like a vacation! But not to disregard parents of 1 or 2 at all -- being a parent is hard work (if you're doing it right!) I love seeing the relationships developing between my kids, even if it means that I must fold laundry for hours!

[MissMaegie'sMama]

Seven years between #1 and #2, and 2.5 years between #2 and #3. DD2's arrival humbled me to the point where I'm a different kind of mom altogether!

[Purple Sage]

I have four, and it is a totally different ball game than when we only had two (or three!). I can only imagine things just getting that much more complicated and difficult with each subsequent child because that has been what has happened with each of mine.