I'm pooped...

[Amy0417]

...and I have a nice display of stress pimples across my forehead to show for it

So here is the deal- DD is 3 years old and has 2-3 destructive, long, scary tantrums a day. We live with Gramma and Pampa and have a nice life. There is minimal stress (I have fibromyalgia & go to school online) in the house but nothing that should be mood altering. Her bio-dad lives out of state and has little contact with her. My BF is her "daddy". She calls him by his name but will tell you it's her dad. So basically Gramma, Pampa, BF, and I are at a loss. We are all taking on this stress.

Most of her fits happen when she's tired, which seems to be always. Her fits result from perfectionist things like not calling something by it's "right" name. For example, she asked DBF for the itch cream and he said "Ok baby the lotion is upstairs." and she became really offended and screamed in his face and said "It's CREAM!!! I want the itch CREAM not lotion!!!!!". From there it escalates because DBF tells her to relax and to not yell but she gets angrier.

Another example would be from this morning. Gramma likes to do her stretches before her jog and she prefers to alone. This morning DD asked Gramma if she'd play with her and Gramma said " You can read a book here but I can't play because I'm stretching." So, I chimed in and said "OK, I'll get the books!" and immediately DD broke done screaming " I want Gramma to get my books!!! Not you!!!". She started swinging at me so I decided to put her on the naughty step but that made it worse and she again was trying to hit me in the face. Ugh, I just cringed when typing that.

She is obsessed with Gramma. Gramma does things best. Gramma is the only one that can pour her juice and take her outside... and so on. It doesn't offend me. I just feel bad for Gramma because she's exhausted from always being the one that's needed by DD.

This has been going on for a while and is completely wearing on this whole house hold. We all walk on egg shells and it's not right. We do gentle disciplining. To me that means no screaming back, gentle time outs, talking about feelings, taking deep breaths, setting rules, etc.

Lastly, she often mentions she's tired. She doesn't sleep well at all and has a hard time resting herself during the day. Her Pedi says that she has huge tonsils and that could be causing her exhaustion. She does snore at night and is pretty restless. I am making an appt for the ENT because her Pedi said that getting her tonsils out could make a huge change in her behavior.

I guess I could just use some support. Is anyone going through a similar situation?

[ssh]

I bet you're right and not enough sleep is causing the issue. The behaviors sound normal, the intensity does sound like a tired grumpy 3 year old. We usually sympathize with our DD about the issue she's angry about then remind her calmly that she can't be rude. For example, "Wow you sound angry. Yelling hurts my ears and feelings. Can you use a friendlier voice, please.". If DD is still shouting I suggest "Maybe you should go to your room until you feel less angry." We don't use punishment so we've never done timeouts, but with the people I know who do, a time out can escalate the situation when a child is upset. It may sound weird, but painting and playing in water in the sink seem to make my DD a calmer person. Another thing that has help us with anger is not to take it personally when DD is being rude. She's still learning self control, still learning to deal with big emotions, still learning how to be civil so it's not that she's choosing to be rude she's not in control of herself yet. We just calmly say similar things over and over. Our DD had an emotionally fragile phase right around 3.5, a kind of bossy rude phase right after turning 4 and now some issue with getting angry easily at almost 5. We expect the phase to go away in a few weeks/couple of months like most of them do and in the mean time we just calmly point out what the appropriate behavior is.

You might find Sleepless in America by Mary Kurcinka useful. I've only read part of it but I've read everything else by the author. Here's a link http://www.amazon.com/Sleepless-Amer...der_0060736011 . I usually can find her book in the library or through inter-library loan.

[D_McG]

Sounds like you have identified the problem. Exhaustion! Can the pedi get you into the ENT ASAP?

[VisionaryMom]

I started sleeping with a breathing machine earlier this year, and it's made a *tremendous* difference in how I feel. I really didn't know how much sleep issues would cause problems until I went years without a full night's sleep - first from kiddos & then from medical issues.

I know here ENT appts can take months to get, but see if there's any way you can get them to view you as an urgent case.

[Amy0417]

Good news- we got an app for the ENT next Tuesday! I'm feeling like there is hope.

I know the behaviors are normal but it's the amount of anger and rage she displays. She can actually look scary. I forgot to mention that bio-dad had severe anger issues and that's why we are not with him.

I'm not the biggest fan of timeouts because I totally agree how they escalate the behavior. Yet, once I get her in a time out and we talk about her feelings she calms. Telling her to take a rest is a huge no-no, which kills me. It's almost like she gets offended when you offer the idea of resting- I think that has to do with being sleep deprived/ over tired.

Thanks for the support Mamas! It really helps