That is exactly how I felt. I put so much effort into preparing for the birth, and was totally confident I could do it naturally and out of the hospital. When it didn't happen, I thought, what's wrong with me? Why couldn't I have the beautiful, spiritual, empowering experience I'd heard about? Why do other women get that but not me? Why did I get horrific, excruciating, traumatizing pain instead? And why wasn't I able to handle the pain? I wanted to throw all my natural birth books and Hypnobabies manuals in the trash. I feel better about it all now, but it was hard for a while.
After my attempted home birth turned horror movie, I used to get so angry at hearing all those wonderful stories. I thought they were all liars, or hiding something, or just lucky. Why not me? Did I just do something wrong? Was I not peaceful, not spiritual enough? Oh, they're all so much more special than me for succeeding. I was just a failure. Yeah, right, home birth was beautiful. Whatever!!! I didn't want to hear any more positive stories, or see any more cutesy pictures or videos, talking about brave mamas and healthy babies. What, like I wasn't strong?
I understand, and I relate.
Yup, this was me too. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I was always told, "Just have faith! Trust birth! Your body and your baby know what to do!" Well, I had all of the faith in the world. I just knew that my birth was going to be fantastic and that there wouldn't be any complications. I would push my baby out at home and then cuddle in bed with my new family and everything would be perfect. That's not the way it happened though. I went into labor before my support team arrived (two of them were coming from out of town) which left me totally panicked. I tried to be as calm as I could, but I felt so alone and my labor was so intense. My husband did what he could (and was AMAZING), but he was also having to deal with our three year old so he was having to come in and out of the room. When my water broke, there was meconium and when my baby came out she was dusky and needed oxygen. After an hour on the oxygen, she still hadn't pinked up so we had to transfer which was a awful experience in and of itself.
Sometimes I feel horrible complaining about my birth because I know that there are other women out there who have it so much worse. In the end, I got my homebirth and a healthy baby. Still though, it was hard to process that I didn't get the beautiful and peaceful homebirth that I poured my heart and soul into planning for 3+ years. It also made me feel like I didn't really have a safe space to vent out my feelings about my birth. A few people suggested that I go to ICAN meetings, but I just couldn't imagine walking into a room full of women who'd had traumatic c-sections, planned homebirths-turned-hospital-births, or lost their babies altogether. On the other hand, I can't really talk to my fellow homebirth mamas because they've all had good homebirths and don't want to deal with my negativity. Having a traumatic homebirth kind of puts you in the weird middle ground and it seems like there is very little support and it doesn't help when you have to see everyone around you having awesome births (not that I would wish a negative birth on anybody, it's just that seeing it amplifies my pain and disappointment). Thankfully, I seem to have found an awesome midwife in my area that I'm thinking about hiring for my next birth. She's familiar with using hypnotherapy to help let go of past birth baggage and I've scheduled a well woman appointment with her for next month. I'm hoping to establish a relationship with a midwife well before I get pregnant so that I'm already comfortable and familiar with her when the time comes to actually hire her for a pregnancy.