Anyone else with a traumatic or negative homebirth experience? - Page 7

[sarahb918]

Originally Posted by annablue 

That is exactly how I felt. I put so much effort into preparing for the birth, and was totally confident I could do it naturally and out of the hospital. When it didn't happen, I thought, what's wrong with me? Why couldn't I have the beautiful, spiritual, empowering experience I'd heard about? Why do other women get that but not me? Why did I get horrific, excruciating, traumatizing pain instead? And why wasn't I able to handle the pain? I wanted to throw all my natural birth books and Hypnobabies manuals in the trash. I feel better about it all now, but it was hard for a while.

Originally Posted by ElizabethE 

After my attempted home birth turned horror movie, I used to get so angry at hearing all those wonderful stories. I thought they were all liars, or hiding something, or just lucky. Why not me? Did I just do something wrong? Was I not peaceful, not spiritual enough? Oh, they're all so much more special than me for succeeding. I was just a failure. Yeah, right, home birth was beautiful. Whatever!!! I didn't want to hear any more positive stories, or see any more cutesy pictures or videos, talking about brave mamas and healthy babies. What, like I wasn't strong?   

I understand, and I relate.

Yup, this was me too. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I was always told, "Just have faith! Trust birth! Your body and your baby know what to do!" Well, I had all of the faith in the world. I just knew that my birth was going to be fantastic and that there wouldn't be any complications. I would push my baby out at home and then cuddle in bed with my new family and everything would be perfect. That's not the way it happened though. I went into labor before my support team arrived (two of them were coming from out of town) which left me totally panicked. I tried to be as calm as I could, but I felt so alone and my labor was so intense. My husband did what he could (and was AMAZING), but he was also having to deal with our three year old so he was having to come in and out of the room. When my water broke, there was meconium and when my baby came out she was dusky and needed oxygen. After an hour on the oxygen, she still hadn't pinked up so we had to transfer which was a awful experience in and of itself.

Sometimes I feel horrible complaining about my birth because I know that there are other women out there who have it so much worse. In the end, I got my homebirth and a healthy baby. Still though, it was hard to process that I didn't get the beautiful and peaceful homebirth that I poured my heart and soul into planning for 3+ years. It also made me feel like I didn't really have a safe space to vent out my feelings about my birth. A few people suggested that I go to ICAN meetings, but I just couldn't imagine walking into a room full of women who'd had traumatic c-sections, planned homebirths-turned-hospital-births, or lost their babies altogether. On the other hand, I can't really talk to my fellow homebirth mamas because they've all had good homebirths and don't want to deal with my negativity. Having a traumatic homebirth kind of puts you in the weird middle ground and it seems like there is very little support and it doesn't help when you have to see everyone around you having awesome births (not that I would wish a negative birth on anybody, it's just that seeing it amplifies my pain and disappointment). Thankfully, I seem to have found an awesome midwife in my area that I'm thinking about hiring for my next birth. She's familiar with using hypnotherapy to help let go of past birth baggage and I've scheduled a well woman appointment with her for next month. I'm hoping to establish a relationship with a midwife well before I get pregnant so that I'm already comfortable and familiar with her when the time comes to actually hire her for a pregnancy.

[Alenushka]

I come from a different time and place. I grew up in a country that perhpas was a step above a third world country as far as living conditions.   I admit that many my perception of many things in US is colored by that experience.

There expectation that doing and thinking the right thing will lead to the desired and special birth day.

Are those expectations harming women? Yes, experience is important , but is not coming out alive out of this physiological but dangerous activity is more important than anything else?  Does the place matters as much as the live baby and life mom?

I do not get the "trust birth" thing. To me it  is magical thinking. One can do everything right and have all the positive thoughts one wants but the big parts of life is that thing do not go as we plan or wish. 

I traveled some around the world and it seemed to me USA is place where by large, people really expect that thing will go as they planned and wishes. There is that prevailing idea that positive think  override everything.   It seems to me that this  path  would lead to ton of disappointment.

I think this book really speaks of the issue of positive thinking

http://www.barbaraehrenreich.com/brightsided.htm

[mamabadger]

Originally Posted by Alenushka 

I do not get the "trust birth" thing. To me it  is magical thinking. One can do everything right and have all the positive thoughts one wants but the big parts of life is that thing do not go as we plan or wish. 

I traveled some around the world and it seemed to me USA is place where by large, people really expect that thing will go as they planned and wishes. There is that prevailing idea that positive think  override everything.   It seems to me that this  path  would lead to ton of disappointment.

I agree totally. Applied to most areas of life, this attitude would be considered almost delusional. A positive outlook is helpful, but it is not magic.

I think the "trust birth" thing is a very positive development to the extent that it applies to getting past the unrealistic fear and dread of the birth process which has developed in this part of the world. Learning that childbirth is normal and natural, and that routine interference is a problem in itself, is something most people need to go through. Getting to the point where we "trust birth" to the same extent that we "trust" our digestive processes is a very good thing. Unfortunately, it's been carried much further, to the point where the mere feeling of trust is supposed to cancel out the inevitable problems and complications that all human biological functions are subject to. That's where it changes from a realistic and helpful outlook to magical thinking.

[PoetryLover]

Originally Posted by Alenushka 

I come from a different time and place. I grew up in a country that perhpas was a step above a third world country as far as living conditions.   I admit that many my perception of many things in US is colored by that experience.

There expectation that doing and thinking the right thing will lead to the desired and special birth day.

Are those expectations harming women? Yes, experience is important , but is not coming out alive out of this physiological but dangerous activity is more important than anything else?  Does the place matters as much as the live baby and life mom?

I do not get the "trust birth" thing. To me it  is magical thinking. One can do everything right and have all the positive thoughts one wants but the big parts of life is that thing do not go as we plan or wish. 

I traveled some around the world and it seemed to me USA is place where by large, people really expect that thing will go as they planned and wishes. There is that prevailing idea that positive think  override everything.   It seems to me that this  path  would lead to ton of disappointment.

I think this book really speaks of the issue of positive thinking

http://www.barbaraehrenreich.com/brightsided.htm

I had a negative home birth experience that required hospital transfer, but I still believe that home births are safe for many low risk women. Tragedy strikes in the hospital, too. I actually think I hemorrhaged so badly in the hospital as a result of the midwife tugging on my cord so much. I responded earlier on in this thread. The reality is that sometimes bad things happen to good people--at home or in the hospital, and each woman with a low risk pregnancy should have the choice to birth where she feels safest. I personally don't plan to birth at home again, but I also know my sister has had 3 safe home births.

[treemom2]

Originally Posted by PoetryLover 

I had a negative home birth experience that required hospital transfer, but I still believe that home births are safe for many low risk women. Tragedy strikes in the hospital, too. I actually think I hemorrhaged so badly in the hospital as a result of the midwife tugging on my cord so much. I responded earlier on in this thread. The reality is that sometimes bad things happen to good people--at home or in the hospital, and each woman with a low risk pregnancy should have the choice to birth where she feels safest. I personally don't plan to birth at home again, but I also know my sister has had 3 safe home births.

I also had a negative home birth experience, but I agree. . .I still feel homebirth is perfectly save and probably the best place for most women to give birth.  I really hope people don't read this thread and think that we are bashing homebirth, because I am definitely not!  I will still recommend homebirth because my situation isn't the NORM and I hope no one will think it is!

[PoetryLover]

Originally Posted by treemom2 

I also had a negative home birth experience, but I agree. . .I still feel homebirth is perfectly save and probably the best place for most women to give birth.  I really hope people don't read this thread and think that we are bashing homebirth, because I am definitely not!  I will still recommend homebirth because my situation isn't the NORM and I hope no one will think it is!

I agree. I am happy that this thread exists so that those of us who had negative experiences can process them. But I also know they are a few negative experiences among many, many positive ones for other women. So while I need to process my personal experience with home birth (I also need to process my hospital birth. I hemorrhaged both at home and in the hospital and think both births may have been mismanaged to a degree.), I acknowledge that what happened to me is the exception and not the rule. Home birth is a beautiful thing and I mourn that I can not personally have another one and feel safe with that decision, as I have hemorrhaged badly twice. But I also like that it is a choice. And I want other women to continue to have that choice. 

[Partaria]

Agreed. Every woman should have the right to choose among a variety options for birthing. She should be able to decide what is best for her based on a combination of her risk factor and personal comfort levels. Some low-risk women prefer to birth at the hospital. And that is ok. Other mamas want UC, some want midwife assisted HBs. We should all be able to choose what is best for us and our families.

And just because a few of us have had less than rosy HB experiences doesn't mean HB itself is bad. Like hospital births, some are great, some ain't. But it doesn't mean the whole practice of birthing that particular way is awful.

[lunarlady]

I think the big thing is to realize that just like not all hospital births are awful, not all home births are wonderful. Birthing is such a vulnerable time for women and their families that no situation is ideal for everyone, and it is pretty easy for the dice to roll wrong no matter where you birth.

A bad birth is a bad birth, regardless of location. The big difference is that those of us who had a bad home birth feel so much more cheated because we swam against the trend to do it in hopes of a better birth. So we feel like we fought for a great birth but lost. We feel cheated and disappointed in addition to dealing with our birth trauma. Having a home birth is rare. Having a bad one rarer still. It puts you in a very isolated place. Thank goodness for this board!

[Partaria]

Having a home birth is rare. Having a bad one rarer still. It puts you in a very isolated place.

[Veritaserum]

I read this whole thread and relate to some of the things shared.  I'm currently expecting my sixth child and I am choosing a hospital birth after four home births.

My first birth was traumatic due to my doctor and the hospital staff doing things to me without explaining why. We also had "side effects" from various medical things. My first home birth (second baby) was very straightforward and easy.  The only hiccough was heavy bleeding immediately postpartum, which my midwife stopped via a shot of pitocin.

I planned a hospital birth with my third baby. I didn't know why, exactly. A few days before she was born I changed my mind and decided to have her at home instead. We had a major complication develop suddenly. Given the doctor I was going to use and my baby's reassuring heart tones, I think I may have had a vaginal birth in the hospital, but I would have felt so much more comfortable knowing I could have a c-section within minutes if needed. At home we had to quickly decide if I could get her out faster by staying home or by transferring. The closest hospital was 15 minutes away and was not the one my doctor went to. Since I was 7cm and stretchy, I had my midwife hold my cervix while I pushed my baby through. I think a c-section would have been easier. I have never been more relieved then when my baby came out looking as pink and vigorous as if she'd been out in the sun. I feel very, very lucky that the complication was not worse and that it didn't kill her.  The experience was traumatic because stuff like that isn't supposed to happen when you leave birth alone.  Or so I used to believe.  It was scary and very physically painful.

Because the good doctor stopped attending births and I didn't have any other good hospital options, I had my next two at home. Those labors were 2 and 3 times as long as my previously longest one. I'm sure part of it was that I no longer trust birth to go perfectly just because I've made all the "right" choices. I was an extremely cautious birther and my midwife was great about supporting and reassuring me. With both of those births I stalled for hours. I spent five hours at 8 cm with one and three hours at 7cm with the other. What allowed me to commit to giving birth both times was to have my midwife break my water. We knew about the complication with number 3 when my water broke and it was filled with blood and huge clots. Seeing perfectly clear water with my last two was reassuring. I gave birth to both within 1-2 hours of AROM.

About a year after my youngest was born, my SIL had her first baby. She planned a home birth with a midwife I had recommended due to her patience with first-time labors. My SIL developed symptoms of pre-eclampsia and went into labor a few weeks later at 34 weeks. Instead of transferring when she established that SIL was in labor, her midwife said they could stay home because the baby "felt big" and "labor would get him ready to breathe." This midwife Trusts Birth and I guess she figured that labor at 34 weeks must mean he's ready to come out. The midwife still didn't transfer even when my SIL started bleeding heavier than her normal period. The midwife said it was just bloody show. My SIL decided to transfer when she was 9cm because she felt like something was very wrong. While my SIL waited 15 min. for the midwife to join them in the car, the placenta abrupted completely. They got to the nearest hospital and SIL pushed out my nephew, but he was completely non-responsive. The NICU team got him back after 5 minutes of working on him, but he was a very sick baby. Thankfully and miraculously he is a healthy 2-year-old today, but I am still furious with the devastatingly negligent way my SIL's midwife handled the birth. Afterward she blamed it all on my SIL. SIL only stayed home because the midwife said it would be safe to do so. I spoke to the midwife on the phone during the labor and heard her say it would be fine because he felt big and labor would get his lungs ready. She was maddeningly cavalier about the whole situation. If they had stayed home, my nephew would be dead. There is no way the midwife could have gotten him started again.

It was SIL's birth that pushed me over the edge. If midwives can't be trusted to transfer when there is medical indication and time enough to do so, home birth is not a safe option. The hospital I'm going to opened up two years ago. My CNM was the first provider with a full practice, so she made the rules about how women were to be treated. She retrained the nurses to work with NCB moms. Nobody gets interventions unless they are needed or requested. It feels like the safest possible option to me because the data shows that it is safer to leave normal birth alone but ACT if there is a problem.

I know that many (most, I hope) home birth midwives practice safely and only take cases that are good candidates for home birth. I find myself unable to trust any home birth midwife, however, after SIL's experience. I had NO idea that her midwife would act so dangerously. It scares me to be home with someone I think is safe, but I can't know it for sure. I realize that in the hospital I have to trust my CNM, but I'm reassured that there are other people around and equipment that can help if anything goes wrong. A c-section is not the end of the world anymore. I've gained perspective.

That got long. I've come to just really despise the "trust birth" movement because it spits on any woman who experiences spontaneous complications or difficulties despite doing everything NCB-kosher. SIL's midwife is still practicing. Few are willing to believe what she did. The wagons circled to protect her while excluding the family that was harmed. I spent many years lobbying our state legislature to legalize home birth midwifery. I testified that home birth midwives transfer when appropriate and that it's a very safe option. I believed it. Now that I know some midwives who stay home with things like preemies, HELLP, and other clearly high risk cases, I feel...dirty. Used. I'd love more transparency and formal peer review. I'd love for us to police ourselves as a community and get the dangerous midwives to stop practicing.

[milk_maker]

It's been years since my daughter's birth and I still feel anger and emotional about it.  To everyone around me I had a picture perfect homebirth with only a minor complication, but to me I was violated.  I still remember screaming "NO!" and the feeling of my placenta ripping out of me as she pulled it out.  I can't stand changing the sheets on my bed because I'm reminded every time by the blood stains covering over half the mattress.  We had to rip up the carpet.  I fainted every time I got out of bed for two days and I crawled around my house for well over a week.  I remember laying in bed with my baby, by myself, and not being able to go to the other side of the room to get a diaper so I could change her.  She sat in her own feces for several hours until my mother came to check on me (everyone was asleep and my DH was deployed). 

I thought that we couldn't trust doctors, that midwives were the salvation of the NCB movement. 

[Alenushka]

I am so so sorry.

Get a new bed. Your bed is trigger now.

I hope you are seeing a therapist.

[Sristi]

Newbie here.  I didn't read the whole thread, so I'm not sure if this is the right place for me to post.  My dd was born 10 weeks ago at my parents' house.   My dad is a family doc, and we planned for him to attend my birth and then my husband and I would stay with my folks for a few weeks after the baby was born.  My MIL and mother and dh were there too--I had so much love and support.  My labor moved along pretty good and I felt positive about it.  Pushing phase was very, very hard work and seemed to take a long time, although I tried not to think about the passage of time.  It got scary at the end, when my dd crowned and wouldn't come out.  She was posterior with a hand up at her head.  Dad pushed her back in to get the hand down, then both of her shoulders stuck fast.  He got her out with no brachial nerve damage--she was blue but pinked up.  I felt like we'd been through a battle together; we were both soaking wet with amniotic fluid, blood and meconium.  I was so thankful she was alive and whole! 

The biggest problem was that I got a fourth-degree tear, which didn't heal properly and has developed into a recto-vaginal fistula.  It's weird because initially I felt so good about that birth.  It was hard, hard work, it hurt--but I did it!  But as time went on, I realized more fully how dangerous and scary the double shoulder dystocia had been, and the extent of my own birth injuries.  I stopped feeling so positive about it, but not necessarily the homebirth itself.  The complications would have happened wherever I birthed, and I'm so glad my dd and I could be together right after the birth and that my mother and mil were there to care for her when I couldn't.  So I guess I had a traumatic home birth, but I still think home can be a really good place to give birth.  One of my sadnesses now is that all the consulting obs have told me I should have only c-sections from now on, because of the risk of tearing again and recreating the fistula (presuming it's healed between now and then).  Even though I was brave throughout this birth at home, I feel really scared about hospitals and surgery and the thought of being cut open and feeling powerless.

[Alenushka]

There is not need to feel scare of powerless about surgery. Fistula is a very rare complication in the First World country.  Did you see a UroGynecologist yet? The surgery for fistula repair is pretty straightforward and 97% effective

Talk to the doctor and the anestisiologist ahead of time and in great detail.

I think it is bad idea to look a c-section birth as failure or evil and vaginal as always perfect and proper thing. It is all depends on the situation.

Yes, in the hospital , you most likely would have e had a c-section, but you also would not have  a tear and fistula 

Yes, complications happen everywhere but reality is that hospitals simply have more technology to deal with complication.

PLease, see a specialist for you fistula. There is not reason to deal with discomfort and embrassmnet of rectal fistula.

[Sristi]

I've been seeing a specialist and had fistula repair surgery on January 6.  Now I'm going through the healing process (that is, waiting!), and will see the surgeon for post-op exam in a week.  I'm not confident the repair was totally successful, but it's only been three weeks since the surgery, so I focus on resting well and being patient.

[Alenushka]

I hope you heal without any additional surgeries!

[kalin verona]

I am also dealing with coming to terms with my birth 18 months ago. I had a wonderful home birth with wonderful midwives, but my birth ended in a 3rd and 4th degree tear and a post partum hemmorage.

I decided on a hispital based alternative birth center this time around (I'm 5 months pregnant) so that I can request an episiotomy to preserve my current repair. also, it's nice to know there is blood just down the hall if my hemmorage is worse this time around..

But I'm scared. I keep having reoccurring dreams of being in labor again and bleeding and losing consciousness .. Horribly graphic dreams that bother me all day. That is the part of it that I find traumatic, that I can't get it out of my head during this pregnancy.

[Umaj]

Hi,

I am sorry to read you had a bad homebirth experience; this is very rare. It's even rarer to have a shoulder dystocia...THIS IS NOBODY'S FAULT! Shoulder dystochia can happen any time and nobody can predict it. Some dystochia's resolve with a position change but some don't. Your midwife did well delivering a baby that is alive. The same could happen in hospital. It is a very stressful and frightening experience for all involved. I just see this was 2 years ago and hope you found some healing in the meantime. Namaste!

[KirstenO]

I was going to have a homebirth. 

My midwife was worried Baby was sick. 

We transferred to the hospital 1-2 miles away. 

The Dr. plugged us into monitors, antibiotics, fluids, and oxygen....but not painkillers.  

My MIDWIFE asked for a c-section.  The Dr. didn't think it was necessary.

Birth was amazing.  I knew the pain would end. My husband, sister and midwife tended to me.  I would start to scream then remember to turn it into a deep groan. I joked and rested between contractions. My husband beamed.  

7-8 hours after we arrived, in the last minutes of birth, they couldn't find my baby on the monitors.  They switched monitors but still couldn't find her.  2 minutes (or less) before she was born they wanted to put an electrode on her head.  I said no, and birthed her in the next push instead.  

She was already gone.  

They tried to get her back.  I didn't know she was a girl.  

I started to go into shock. 

My husband remembered the Hypnobabies cue and put his hand on my head.  I unconsciouly started to breath deeply. I remained conscious.  

We named her while they worked. Mira, as in miracle.  

She died in my arms.  My only child after years of infertility.  

We make plans, we have high hopes.  Reality does not always conform to our desires.  We adapt. That is life.  

[lunarlady]

KirstenO - I'm so sorry for your loss of Mira. I hope time brings you healing.