Unhappy with every part of my life.

[Jess's Mom]

Reality just socked me in the face with this today. I will never get back what I put in to my life and that mean I can never be happy. I have been on meds for over a year now and while I have been doing better, I just don't know if I want to live like this. If I have to have a pill to make me want to live, what is that worth? I did everything in my power to give my daughter this great party today, I thought it was to make her happy. I realized, I was trying to do it for me. To make sure the other moms like me and to make sure she has friends. I can't make anyone like any of us. I don't even Like her, she is hateful and spiteful and I guess a lot like I was as a kid and I hate that. I realize that everything I do is in vein. It doesn't matter what I give them, I am a horrible mom and can't stop yelling and screaming and that is going to make them the same way and this crappy parenting cycle needs to stop. My daughter must act the way she does because she sees it in me. I didn't think I acted that way, but she has to get it from somewhere. It just feels like it is all crashing down, I never want to tell someone I can't do something because we don't have the money, I don't want anyone to know we don't and I don't want to tell anyone no when they ask for help, because I always want to help the people I love as much as I can. I am realizing this has just caused me to go into debt and be trampled on. Not to mention the dream I have of being a business owner that will never happen. I feel like such a looser and a horrible mom, I just am missing what the point is. I feel like I just need to disconnect for a while or something. I just can't keep this up, it's not working. I do love my kids, but they need someone better to raise them, obviously. It is always pointed out to me that I am either yelling too much or baby too much. I just don't know what the hell I am even doing anymore. Okay, enough of my ramble. If anyone reads this and will take the time to respond. Do you think it will F my kids up too bad if I just get the hell away for a week by myself or something just to figure out what needs to be done, I just don't know if I can be here at the moment.

[A&A]

May I gently suggest a book that I'm currently reading and finding helpful? It's called Honoring the Self: Self-Esteem and Personal Transformation by Nathaniel Branden.

[Jess's Mom]

Thanks

[imsubrosa]

Jess's Mom- Much hugs.

I don't think you will f up anybody by taking a week (if possible) to dissengage. I only have three little ones, but I know the toll that can be taken when mom's put themselves asside for their children. I would also say that if you are still depressed, which you sound like you are - managable or not - you may want to speak to your doctor and see if there is a better fit for you, medication wise or seek out some form of counseling. I know talking out my kid-related tension always helps me.

My big release has always been running. When I'm not running as much I tend to be screamier. You might find some relief in some form of hard exercise.

I hope this was at all helpful and I hope you find some relief soon.

[mandib50]

that sounds so tough. are you in counseling? it sounds like you could really use a break.

[Jess's Mom]

I was in counseling, it just never seemed to do anything for me. I don't know if I just never found the "one" or what. Having someone sit in front of me watch me cry just made me feel as if I was being judged or something. I did bring my kids with me one time so he could "get it", I do think he understood a little more after that. I just feel like a am being torn into bits by everyone around me. My mom, who has MS always wants me to bring the kids around. It just turns out to be work for me, no break, and I am only 30 and help take care of her too. I know it is my duty as her child, but it is wearing me down mentally and sometimes physically. My MIL works all the time, but when she doesn't I should have the kids at her house, but hang around to watch her get ticked off because they are being crazy and that all my fault because I don't spank them or I baby them. I guess all of this has just been building up in me and I don't know what to do about it. As far as the depression goes, the pills do help and it's not that I feel depressed. I guess for me at least, I have realized, that is what gets me through my day and what is life if you have to have a pill to not want to end it? I am exploring options to try to accomplish some of my goal in life and I think that will help. I would like a strong support system around me to do it, people that will tell me that some of my ideas are good and I could make them work if I tried and they will back me on them. I fell like they just look at me like I'm nuts, almost like a child dreaming. I need something more than just motherhood to define me. I guess is what I am saying. Sorry, so many scattered thoughts at this moment. Tired and can't sleep.

[Theia]

Can you explore the counseling option again? I do think it takes the right counselor, so it may take some time to find the right person for you. But when you find the right person, they will guide you and gently push you to explore what is and is not healthy for you. While pills alone do help, pills and counseling together are much more powerful.

Pre-motherhood I also felt the same way about the pills. And so I just quit them against advice. Not the best idea. But I wasn't with a good counselor. I was seeing a counselor, but she said that really there was nothing wrong with me. So if there was nothing wrong with me, then why would I need a pill? So I quit. That was about 8 years ago. Last year I was diagnosed with PTSD due to an event that happened 15+ years ago. Now I have a great counselor and I'm on an SSRI. Together this combination makes life so much easier to deal with. While I know that I am overwhelmed and struggling pretty much every day (I'm a single mom 24/7 without a local support system of friends or family). I see someone every week who supports me and guides me to a better place. I've still got a long way to go, but I'm not as desperate as I was even a year ago, and that's a big change in my world.

Best wishes and healing to you.

[Hey Mama!]

Nope it won't f your kids up. Moms have to take care of themselves so they can take care of others.

[Jess's Mom]

Feeling much better about stuff. Talked some stuff out with my husband, got out of the house a little and plan to do it a little more. I hope that the start of school with make life a little better to not have everyone up my hind end all the time. I am also thinking about a part time job, just to get out of the house and feel like I am a little more that just a mom. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but they do drive me to the edge. Thanks all!

[philomom]

Seems to me that everyone but the youngest could go off to school or preschool. This will give you a chance to quiet your mind and collect your thoughts. Also, you can take baby to therapy sessions with you until they are old enough to tear stuff up.


Realize that you can set your kids up for happiness but you are not responsible for their feelings nor should you be held hostage to trying to make everyone happy. Happy is overused and unneeded. Is everyone fed, clothed, has adequate sleep and play facilities? Do you support some of their interests? House somewhat clean? Books provided? If you can yes to this... let go.

Good luck.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Jess's Mom

I know it is my duty as her child, but it is wearing me down mentally and sometimes physically.

No, it is not. You do not have an obligation to take your kids somewhere where the situation is stressful for all of you just because your mother or MIL requests or expects it. You have to do what works for you, and that may mean taking a break from visits. You have 4 kids under 6. That's tough to handle, and you need to take care of yourself first.

[neveryoumindthere]

Is there somewhere nice you can go, just you and a journal? Even if for a couple hours?

I am homeschooling with 4 kids under 7 and if I don't get a single moment to myself I get Pissed off big time and start yelling at them, too. UGH. I love homeschooling, but OMG, do I ever need a break from my kids every.single.day.

Something that really helps me when I get so completely overwhelmed is to do a braindump and write down every little thing in my head. My to-do list,what I want to buy, what I want to do 5 or 10 years from now, EVERYTHING to just clear my head. I keep writing and writing until I can't squeeze any more thoughts out.

Then I categorize them by priority and eliminate the time-waster stuff like crafts I have no business working on, and then I start on the 1st priority, the one most important to me and get cracking. I break it down into smaller steps so that every day I can do a couple things to get it done. That way, the non-urgent stuff is committed to paper and I get the satisfaction of checking things off that are more urgent to me.

The other thing I've been doing is taking the kids to the park in the morning. I honestly dont even care if their hair and teeth are brushed some days. I just get them outside when it's not as hot, and then I can sit on the bench while they play. I bring a book or my journal a long and at least they are not in my face 24/7. It gets them tired so that we can come home, eat lunch, and then have downtime (naps for babies and computer time for the older 2, while I do nothing but lounge on the couch)

sometimes we need a breather you know???

and with regard to your business, get that stuff on your list too and take it one step at a time. Starting a business is a lot of 'stuff' even for someone without kids, so be gentle with yourself. I am starting a business as well. For me, I had to realize that my fulltime job is mom (and yes I deserve 2 breaks and a lunch by myself!!lol) and my part-time job is my business. Before it was my fulltime job is mom, my part time job is mom and no breaks or lunch, just drudgery.

If you want, PM me, we can chat more.

Hope this helps!