When a Child is Unhappy in Your Home - Page 3

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

I agree that he's lucky to have you for a mom. This thread is officially one of my favourites.

Thanks, Mamas. Most days I really don't feel equipped to be a mother.

Originally Posted by lolar2

Do you have room for a storage shed?
...
You don't have to keep the books for your future library. When you have your big library-having dream house, you can buy more books. Meanwhile the actual library can keep the old books for you.

Don't say it! I have that thought when I'm in the mood to get rid of things. We'll just get them later, but I can't ever bring myself to take the plunge.

We could put up a storage shed. We have room, but we also have a sizable basement. Our basement is ~ 800 sq ft. We have shelving along all of the walls, but most of the floor space is open. There is an old coal room within it that's probably 120 sq ft. That's crammed with stuff that really can go without any sentiment or anything.

DH & I sat down tonight & made up a massive cleaning schedule for purging everything, and DS is totally on board to toss things. We'll see how it goes.

[meemee]

VM - if i lived anywhere close to your son i would borrow him to help me too. i live in a tiny space but i still have too much stuff. mind you i have less than 1/5th of what i used to have. but for the space i still have too much.

oh so you are a book worshipper too? when i moved in to take care of my xinlaws i was FORCED to get rid of my one bedroom stuffed apt stuff to fit into a one room. i gave away 5 giant bookshelves of books. i didnt have $$$ to put in storage. i lived downtown and i just put the books out on the side walk. i kept a few that had personal things on them, and a few that was too expensive to replace and gave away the rest.

it was a glorious experience that helped me be able to give away from then on. soo many people stopped and thanked me for the books. they were so thrilled that they found these books FREE!!! ooh i so gloated over the compliments of my reading taste. serious stuff to light stuff. i was sooo thrilled. i didnt have to take it to goodwill. but it was picked up with oohs and ahhs and gratefulness to be added to their library. it was such a great experience. i knew they were going to be well taken care of. even my couches. the college student was soooo grateful.

guess what now i have two giant bookshelves full of books and a garage full of 15 boxes of books that will stay there till i can bring them home. this was in the last 2 years. but i will say some of them are my xinlaws books which none of their family wanted and they are great books.

[choli]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

I know what's down there. We have hundreds of books. Both DH & I have book obsessions. There are boxes of books that we don't have shelf space for right now. Every time we talk about getting rid of them, we come back to the same conclusion, which is that when we have a bigger house, we will have a library. We've considered turning the den into a library/reading room, but it's never seemed feasible.

I am a recovering book buying addict. When I lived in NY I used to go to the Strand second hand bookstore and drop 1/2 a weeks pay on books about once a month. It was insane, I had so many books.

About 10 years ago, I tried to restrict myself to buying hardbacks, the idea was they were so much more expensive I would buy fewer. Still was buying too many. it drove my DH nuts. We live in a relatively small space...

5 years ago I went library-only. Two years ago I packed up most of the books in the house, keeping only the favorites and those with sentimental value, and donated them to the local hospital book drive.

It was worth it, I have so much more space and get always get almost any book I need from the library that is one block from my office.

[Linda on the move]

Another book addict here....

We've taken lots of books to a second hand store, donated boxes to soldiers in Iraq, and given them to the library.

There are some really special books that I'll always keep, but most books just aren't like that. While they are piled up in your home being ignored, it makes them sad. They want to be free. They want to be picked up and read.

Set them free. Let them have a real life. Let someone else enjoy them.

For me, when I kept too many books, it made them all less special. They were a hassle and a burden. When I cut it down, it not only made it more managable, it also made the ones I kept more precious. Less really is more.

[rightkindofme]

I'm not going to offer any advice (because you've already gotten good advice) but I want to be another person telling you that you are awesome. My family certainly never paid attention to my needs like you are doing. You are awesome!

(And I moved a lot as a kid too. More than 50 times before I turned 18. Lots of couch surfing sorts of stuff. At this point it is very difficult for me to form emotional attachment to anything. I'm the least sentimental person ever and I constantly get rid of stuff because owning things makes me feel twitchy because in the back of my mind I am always calculating how long it will take me to pack all of my belongings. It's funny how people react differently to similar situations. )

[lilmom]

Just popping back in to say that you are awesome and I am so excited for your DS that he is getting his own space!!! Woohoooo!

[zebra15]

[QUOTE=Viola;15727313]



My mom used to ask me to fold the towels and then tell me I was doing it wrong. I guess she liked it folded in half and then in third, but I'd just hold it in half and then in half again.[/QUOTE]

Total nother topic but we went to family therapy for this exact thing (smaller pc of a huge issue but still)... gosh the skin is crawling.....

[daytripper75]

This book has taught me everything I know about keeping house: http://www.amazon.com/Home-Comforts-.../dp/068481465X
It's comprehensive!

[bits and bobs]

It's time consuming but I take photos of the kiddy artwork, then keep only the best of the best. It breaks my heart to throw out anything but it was out of control. I started only recently, kids are 6 and 8, and took about 700 photos!

The clothes are very hard for me too. I have realised though that I have photos of my kids wearing their clothes, and that made me feel ok. The other thing I do is pass on clothes straight away now and to people I know and see. I can't describe the buzz I get seeing kids down at school wearing my kids' hand me downs. I LOVE it.

[sweetpeppers]

I find this whole thread very interesting. I LOVED having my own room. But for the opposite reason, I wanted a place where I could leave my projects out without bothering anyone. I think maybe the problem is you've let your whole house turn into that. I'll have to be careful about that when I get my own house.

[Girlprof]

This thread is pretty inspirational. As a book lover, I am of course interested in buying the book recommended above, LOL. Yes, buy a book to help manage my over-supply of books!

My son's friend recently said something about how our house is always a mess. That was rude, but also accurate so I want to do better.

One tip on books: there is a web application called Library Thing. It's an online record of your books. My DH has felt much more freedom to get rid of books since he records them in Library Thing. You can have the memory of the book, without having the physical book.

[confustication]

I realized, in a very traumatic way, that the 'stuff' I needed, wasn't necessary. We lost everything in a fire. Oddly, it was distressing, but it was very freeing. I now realize that we don't need to keep things. I pass along outgrown clothes, I take pictures of kid art projects- the few things I do hang on to in terms of kid art are given frames and hung throughout our huse- if it is worth keeping, it is worth showing off constantly (I do sometimes put two pictures in a frame and switch them a couple times a year, storing one behind the other.)

I grew up in a house very much like you describe, and while I was able to tolerate it pretty well as a kid, my brother was not- he disengaged from the family about the time he was 12. He moved his room to the basement, created the order he craved, and spent any time he was home there. It was distressing to him to have toexist in the chaos of piles of paper etc. I tolerated it better- but didn't learn to organize/purge well, and was embarrassed about having friends over. It wasn't dirty or anything of the sort- it was just busy. Mom and dad had books everywhere, piles of papers, art in progress etc.. it was too much for me to want to invite people into. I don't want my kids growing up like my brother and I did.

As an adult, I relegate any and all visual clutter to our bedroom, or to a separate storage area. I will not have anything on surfaces in my home because it makes ME feel disordered, and my kids pick up on it. I keep my home in a way that I am happy to invite people in at any given moment- because I remember the 'so and so are coming over- time to pick up!' frenzies, and I don't want to feel that stressed.

I am glad you are listening to your son, and willing to meet his needs. He's lucky to have such a caring and insightful mom.

[dantesmama]

*

[PGTlatte]

I love Librarything. I have a category of "read but not owned" where I record library books, or books I decide not to keep. I still have them "collected", but they don't take up any shelf space this way

Originally Posted by Girlprof

One tip on books: there is a web application called Library Thing. It's an online record of your books. My DH has felt much more freedom to get rid of books since he records them in Library Thing. You can have the memory of the book, without having the physical book.

[VisionaryMom]

Well, we've made some progress today. I tossed quite a few trash bags full of stuff we didn't need. We went to the laundry mat because laundry was sooo far behind, and then we dropped off a bunch of things at Goodwill. All in all, we've had a productive day, though the house is actually messier at this point in the process.

DS seems to be happy. He gathered up all of the baskets & buckets that got emptied today of things we no longer need and took them to his room. He's sorted his toys into them and is super excited about it!

When we were in the car tonight, he started talking about our neighbor, who has a Jeep & a motorcycle. DS said, "he doesn't take good care of his Jeep or motorcycle. When we don't take care of our things, they get broken" in this very sad sort of way, so maybe he's just thinking a lot about "things." DD tends to break pretty much everything. She's very destructive. She's never broken his things on purpose, and we try to keep her away from his stuff. She just tends to be a little tornado, though.

I do think about getting rid of our books, but I'm just not there. I frequently refer back to them for research for work, though we have a large collection of fiction, some of it now out of print, that we don't *need*.

[peaceful_mama]

I was going to say, till I read a few posts....that this sounds like my son, who is also 5.5 and occasionally makes comments like this about wanting to go live with someone else, namely his best friend.

I was going to say that I think it's a developmental thing--more experience with playdates, other kids' homes, and the ability to see another perspective and imagine a life that is different from what they live. (understanding that there *are* other ways)

The difference i see though, is my son makes these comments pretty much only when he is mad about some rule I'm enforcing or something--like the other day I think it was that I'd taken away computer or video game privilege for some reason.
(In this case, I tell him he's free to ask his friend, or friend's mom about that rule at their house, or when it's been about bedtime, I remind him his friend actually has an earlier bedtime than him all summer because of daycare, while he is home with me. I don't think he ever has. I think in reality he sees that his friend has rules too.)
Yours....seems to want more control over the order of his life. You *can* give him that. There's some good ideas here. (And that's not at all a criticism, just an observation. I could just have a kid who is fine with the flow here...and in a few years, I might find one is not. )

[camracrazy]

It sounds like you are off to a good start!

I read in one of your posts that you have cleaning day every Sunday. In my experience with 5 yo's, a week can seem like forever to them, no matter how fast it seems to go by for us adults!! Is there any time in your daily schedule to do a room a day? Like:

Monday: Living Room
Tuesday: Dining Room
Wednesday: Bedrooms
Thursday: Kitchen
Friday: Bathroom (I know you said you try to get to the kitchen and bathroom everyday, but maybe a little deeper cleaning like cleaning out the fridge or scouring the tub)

It may just seem like a long time between cleanings to him. If he knew you were commited to doing a little every day he might feel more relaxed about it. I started having my kids help me pick up and do little things like sweep the floor every day starting about an hour before their dad gets off work (we still need to get more consistant about it, though!!). It's nice not to have dad walk into a huge mess!

[PPK]

Just popping in to say what a great thing it is that you're helping your son like this. I don't think its OCD at all. I used to scrub the bathrooms as a kid and loved to organize. I lost it in my early 20's but now am back to being super organized and minimal and I love it! It truly helps me feel more at ease and have peace of mind. I cannot stand clutter or mess at all anymore.

Someone else mentioned it, but check out www.flylady.net and maybe even print out her lists of cleaning and the weekly 'flyzones' so your son can work on things consistently. I don't stick to it 100% but like she recommends 15 minutes a day makes a phenomenal difference in clutter and deep cleaning. Now instead of spending 2 hours on bathrooms every 2 weeks, I spend maybe 15 minutes per week and they *always* look pretty nice. She has a great system.

Best wishes!!