"Stoplight" behavior measure and consequences...

[HappilyEvrAfter]

I put this in Gentle Discipline versus the Learning at School forum because it's regarding me trying to figure out how I want to deal with it at home; not about how the school deals with it...

So, my kiddo who's 5.8 (turning 6 in September) started Kindergarten this week and his school runs on the "stoplight" behavior system. You know, green light card for a day of good behavior, yellow light card for a so-so day and a red light card for days when it was just a really negative behavior day.

I'm not gonna debate their program since it's what we currently have to deal with.
I'm more sketchy on what I'm supposed to do about it when/if he comes home with a yellow or red light card.

Something happened that involved our neighbor kid and this is what got me thinking.
The other kid bent my son's finger back to the point where mine screeched and, thus, the teacher got involved. My son let her know what happened and, apparently, the other child got a yellow card sent home.
Well, after school my kid went to over to see if the other child (who's also 5, BTW) could come out and play for a little while.....well, he's been grounded for two days and had to clean his room.
Now, I'm not questioning what the consequences the other parent set...I'm already aware of how they parent.

But, if you're under this type of behavior measure system (is this standard in public schools all over??) how do you deal with the child when they come home?
Obviously, he and I will have a talk about the behavior, what should have been done, and what he'll do next time. Should there be more unless it becomes chronic?
I mean, he's gonna have some bad days. Geesh, I have bad days at work where I've been counseled. It happens.

When he was at daycare and the "teacher" let me know about his behavior I would ask if he was given the proper discipline, I'd talk to him and let it go. No problems. It seemes like "double jeapordy" if I were to discipline him at home on top of what he got at "school".

Is that the norm? Talk until it seems to be a habitual behavior? Or find a suitable consequnce for each card color and stick to it every time it comes home?
I guess it's been set out (according to the other child) that he'll (other child) be grounded each time he comes home with an incident card.

Thanks for your insight!

[One_Girl]

I just talk to my dd about the expectations and we move on. I don't know for sure what I would do if she was always having bad days. I would definitely talk to her about it and help her plan how to have good days. A consequence seems so out of line with the way I parent, but I also wouldn't want her messing around in school instead of getting the education she is there to get. It is a hard balance. Kids get yellow cards very easily on that system, they turn to their neighbor to talk and there goes their green card, so I wouldn't go out of my way to find consequences unless the thing that my child did is so bad I thought it warrants one. My dd isn't violent so any violence from her would make me want to know what was going on so I could help her. It may be different for a mom with a child who has a history of violence or some other serious behavior problem.

[boheime]

Ugh. What an awful system.

If it was me, I would listen to my child, find out what was going on, and help brainstorm ways to make it better.

[The4OfUs]

My son was in Kindergarten last year and got "on yellow" twice, and had to sit for a few minutes during recess twice. Both times he told us about it, both times we talked about what happened in the situation, we talked about what he might do next time instead, and then dropped it. As you said, everyone has bad days, and there's no reason to add something on to something that was already handled (albeit perhaps not the way I would handle it).

The only time I'd do anything is if it started happening regularly, and then it wouldn't be punishing him at home, it would be figuring out what the heck was going on at school that was causing such a change in his behavior.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

Ok, that seems to be the gentle approach then...talk, listen, move on unless there's continuing issues.

For my son to get continual yellow/red cards would be a pretty big red flag for me that something is just not clicking at school and I would be down there observing.

Ugh. What an awful system.

Trust me, I agree, but there's no way around it here....every school in this district uses it and homeschooling has never been an option.

If there's stil anyone else that handles it differenlty that works, I'm still interested in hearing your views.

[tbone_kneegrabber]

I think that the consquences should stay at school. If you did it at school that's where the consquence should be. Unless it's chronic, goes stronly against the values of the family, or can be "fixed" by further work at home: if you loose recess because you didn't do your homework (which I hate btw) then we would work on doing your homework at home so as not to loose recess.

Did the neighbor kid get grounded for being on yellow or for hurting your kid? Because i think that is a big difference. If my kid hurt another kid I might not let him go out and play that afternoon (esp with the same kid), but if he got on yellow for talking in the hallway I wouldn't care at all.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

Originally Posted by tbone_kneegrabber

Did the neighbor kid get grounded for being on yellow or for hurting your kid? Because i think that is a big difference. If my kid hurt another kid I might not let him go out and play that afternoon (esp with the same kid), but if he got on yellow for talking in the hallway I wouldn't care at all.

From what I gather from my son: my son screeched cause it hurt, the teacher asked what happened, mine told her that the kid bent his finger just trying to get mine's attention and that got taken as the other kid acting out.

That's what I gather just from my kiddo. He says he tried to tell the teacher it wasn't on purpose, but that's all I've got.

We went to daycare with this same child so I know there's no history of intentional hurting on his part.

I dunno...just wanna make sure I'm doing the right thing for my son...being fair, gentle, but not overly lax.

ETA: They are letting their child sleepover at our house this weekend so it doesn't seem like it's a "you can't play with the child you hurt kind of thing". He was just grounded that afternoon so he couldn't leave his room to come out and play with anyone.

[mom2grrls]

I think most schools use that type of behavior system and I wouldn't be too upset about yellow or red unless it was happening daily. Have you talked to the teacher? Perhaps she can give you an email address if you feel the need to have an open line of communication. I volunteer at my kids' school quite a bit so when my son got yellow or red I talked to her to see what was going on.

[nextcommercial]

I would have been disappointed at home.

But, if it was a continual problem, I would find a way to deal with it at home too. If for instance, it was a "too much talking" or "getting out of the seat when it was time to sit and listen", I'd probably want to help the teacher out. I expect my child to respect the teacher, and listen.

One day, my daughter came home and said the fourth grade teacher yelled "SHUT UP!" to the class. My daughter wanted to tattle on the teacher. But, I know what her class was like. So, I told my daughter that if I ever found out the teacher needed to yell shut up because of HER, she'd be in trouble at home too. She assured me she wasn't one of the rowdy ones. LOL perfectlittleangel.

My daughter always knew I had her back... but, I would also support the teacher, and I would not tolerate it if my daughter was disrupting the class. She has always been held personally responsible for her behavior and her choices. (within reason... I've been known to bring her forgotten lunch to school because I know that would ruin her whole day)