Almost 3-year-old and namecalling--help?

[lawschoolmama]

DD1 is two years, eight months old, and we're having a bit of a struggle with discipline right now. She's really a very sweet little girl, very loving and snuggly, has a great imagination and can entertain herself with it for pretty long periods of time. We have a new baby--DD2 is 7 weeks old--and I've tried to be as mindful as possible of the big change that represents for DD1; I try to go easy on her to a certain extent during this big transition, but I also don't want to drop the ball on discipline, you know?

Anyways, DD1's new thing is name calling and general rudeness. Yesterday, for instance, she got mad because she wanted to visit my mom and it wasn't possible at that moment, and she called me stupid. Where did she hear that word? Honestly, could have been from DH, from my younger sister, from anybody really. I told her what a rude word that was, and said that if she said it again, she couldn't watch TV (I usually let her watch one or two shows per day). She said it again, and so no TV. Then later, she said it again, in a very nasty way. So I took her straight upstairs for quiet time, where I once again explained that that was a very nasty word. I was clearly very angry, and she cried and said she was sorry. This morning though, she got angry about something else--the socks I picked were "wrong"--and said we weren't friends anymore. When she talks like that, in a mean way, I tell her I won't respond to her until she talks nicely to me--but honestly, that doesn't seem to bother her much. The other rude thing she's doing is not listening--I'll ask her a question, and she will just ignore me. I end up having to ask a million times.

FYI: DD1 has acted this way towards DH and I rather frequently since DD2's birth, and just seems angrier in general a lot of the time. But she's never been directly aggressive towards the baby, which is a blessing.

Like I said, we use quiet time--not really a time out that's punitive, but more of a "let's go in here, talk about what's wrong with this behavior, and calm down" moment. I also give a couple of warnings: "If you say that again, no TV show" or "no story time tonight." I want to be gentle, but I feel like what I'm doing isn't working, and I don't want my children to be rude like this. Suggestions please? TIA!

[ssh]

I think punishment is giving too much attention to saying a word. We talk about other words we can use instead and how other people react to using a rude word. It does work. My DD heard DH use a rude word and was saying he should use a different one. She's going to hear really vulgar words that would get her into trouble at school and embarrass her socially so we didn't want to associate using words with excitement or make them too interesting so we just calmly talk about them and why people feel offended.

[mamazee]

Kids learn language way before they learn social graces and how to be polite with language, and conversely how to be actually rude with language. I wouldn't assume mature intentions, and I'd just take it as a learning opportunity to show her how to speak nicely, by telling her specifically how you'd like her to word things instead. It will take a while as she's really more 2.5 than almost 3, and this will hang on I bet at least until 3.5. But it's an issue of not having learned to be polite yet rather than being rude. Anyway, learning how to speak is one developmental stage, and learning how to influence people with language, either by being polite or rude, is a different developmental stage. Toddlers are more brutally honest than rude. When she says she doesn't like you, it's because that is truly what she's feeling at that moment. At 2.5, she isn't going to understand more advanced concepts like that we still love each other when we're angry. Again, I would take it as a teaching opportunity rather than being angry, by saying, "When we love and like each other, we keep loving them and liking them even when we're angry. We can like someone and be angry at the same time." She probably just doesn't know or understand that, and again it will take time before she gets it. And "stupid" is a word that feels strong and might be the best way she knows at the moment to express anger. You could try responding with, "I know you are angry, and it's OK to be angry, but it isn't OK to call me stupid. If you're angry about something, you can say, 'I'm angry at you, Mommy.'"

[mom2grrls]

This is straight from Playful Parenting-tell her she can say stupid but not to ever say <insert some nonsense word here> and then when she repeats it act so horrified(playfully of course). it distracts them from the word you would rather they not use for a while

[elizawill]

Originally Posted by mamazee

Kids learn language way before they learn social graces and how to be polite with language, and conversely how to be actually rude with language. I wouldn't assume mature intentions, and I'd just take it as a learning opportunity to show her how to speak nicely, by telling her specifically how you'd like her to word things instead. It will take a while as she's really more 2.5 than almost 3, and this will hang on I bet at least until 3.5. But it's an issue of not having learned to be polite yet rather than being rude. Anyway, learning how to speak is one developmental stage, and learning how to influence people with language, either by being polite or rude, is a different developmental stage. Toddlers are more brutally honest than rude. When she says she doesn't like you, it's because that is truly what she's feeling at that moment. At 2.5, she isn't going to understand more advanced concepts like that we still love each other when we're angry. Again, I would take it as a teaching opportunity rather than being angry, by saying, "When we love and like each other, we keep loving them and liking them even when we're angry. We can like someone and be angry at the same time." She probably just doesn't know or understand that, and again it will take time before she gets it. And "stupid" is a word that feels strong and might be the best way she knows at the moment to express anger. You could try responding with, "I know you are angry, and it's OK to be angry, but it isn't OK to call me stupid. If you're angry about something, you can say, 'I'm angry at you, Mommy.'"

i agree.

[Callimom]

I think I would calmly and firmly say something like:
Wow you sound angry (frustrated/sad) but using those words is unkind and I don't like it. Do you want to tell me why you are angry?

She may not be able to respond but she will get by your tone that its inappropriate. You'll also start laying the groundwork to help her identify her emotions and to learn how to express them appropriately.

Getting into a punishment/power struggle cycle won't teach her anything at this age/stage. She needs to learn an alternate strategy.
Good luck!
Karen