sahms--what's typical?

[mamaley]

i just wrote this long post about how i'm not sure if i'm doing the whole sahm thing "right", and basically that it's really what i want to be doing but i'm not sure if i'm doing a good job. so i started giving examples, and basically it's the same old thing about how my house is a mess, i never feel like cooking dinner because at the end of the day i'm tired, and that i lose my temper once in a while. which is like most of us, more or less. right?

so what's the job description of a sahm? what's a typical day like for you?

[oceanbaby]

basically it's the same old thing about how my house is a mess, i never feel like cooking dinner because at the end of the day i'm tired, and that i lose my temper once in a while.

That pretty much sums up my day!

[mamaley]

:LOL

[mommy2twinboys]

Sounds like my day too. My house is a mess, we had pizza for dinner and I am exhausted. Sometimes I feel like I am not doing a good job either but I have two happy and friendly kids. That makes up for everything.

[raleigh_mom]

The mess, etc. absolutely is the norm!

I keep trying to come up with an answer for you. This question is harder than it seems. My days consist of playing with DDs, laundry, feeding everyone, grocery shopping, running errands, vacuuming, cleaning, household budget, more playing, trying to get the girls outside for fresh air, researching all sorts of issues (homeschooling, nutrition, health, discipline, family activities, etc.) on the net and through reading. Once a week we go to the library. I'm also in charge of the social calendar. Plus DD1 will only go to sleep for me, so I'm in charge of naptime and bedtime. DH handles trash, but I handle recycling because I am the one who pushes it, and because I love to scavange at the recycling center!

Plus I work three mornings each week while DH is home with the girls.

My house is often a mess for a good part of the day. I try to think through dinner earlier in the day, and I usually cook from 5:30-6pm while DD1 watches Little Bear on TV. I usually do most of my grocery shopping once or twice every two weeks and stockpile certain items, so I'm covered if I can't think of anything creative.

Writing this, I realize it takes a lot of work to be a grown up!

[MaShroom]

yeah, no martha stewart here.:

i never get the things accomplished that i plan. my house is usually a wreck. cooking is most often a chore that i do not relish. grocery shopping with a 2 and 4 year old, well, i don't have to tell you that i lose my temper sometimes.

i have been thinking a lot about this recently and came to the conclusion that whatever happens during the day is the best i can do - well, more or less. no sense in beating myself up for my inadequacies. my kids are fed, relatively clean, they get read to, they play outside, and they have a family who loves them. hey, maybe i'm ahead of the game.

[shelbean91]

Try cooking with a crockpot. You do the work in the morning- eat later. Removes the problems of being too tired to cook. I try to keep the house picked up, but dh does the majority of major cleaning, especially since I've been pg.

If you want to clean your house (ok- no one really wants to clean, but if you want a clean house) what worked for me mostly is to assign one room of the house to be cleaned each day and one small load of laundry. I hate folding and putting away, so if I do smaller loads each day, it's more manageable. Same concept with one room a day. If I only have to clean the kitchen, it's more manageable than the whole house- then when done, we can go play.

When we had 3 dogs, I had to vacuum every day. We had to put one of our dogs to sleep last Oct and he was the major shedder, so I can get by with vacuuming only once or twice a week with just the 2 dogs now.

I figure if the kids are still alive and the house is still standing, I've done my basic job. The rest is extra.

[velochic]

I'm completely obsessive about a clean house, I'm the first to admit it. But other than that (groceries, overdue library books, etc.)... everything other than dd goes by the wayside!!

[HomeschoolLady03]

My typical day includes a 6 month old baby, a two year old, and a 9 year old. I homeschool and that takes up about 6 hours of my day. I do try to keep the house nice and clean. I do the majority of my cleaning before the kids get up and at night. Laundry is done all throughout the day. I keep a chart on my fridge that I check off when I get a chore finished. (Yep, I do a chore chart for me!) I cook about 5 home-cooked dinners during the week. Sometimes more, sometimes less.

Hang in there! You'll figure something out that works for you! It took me years to figure out that I actually needed to *see* what needed to be done and be able to check it off as I went. I've been doing that for about 2-3 years now and it works great for me!

[Bearsmama]

Mamaley-Sounds like me! Although, for some reason, I actully don't mind cooking dinner. Ask me this again when baby #2 arrives in August.

I am not "domestic" in the truest sense of the word. I LOVE being at home, I just don't like to clean it. I clean up from mealtimes, do laundry, and clean for visitors. But I am not constantly cleaning by any stretch. In fact, I have a neighbor who is a cleaning machine, and I always feel like I failed the SAHM test when I see her cleaning.

I have a short fuse if DS is not sleeping well (he is 2, and still sleep is a challenge). I am an attached mommy, but those choices, although 'natural' to me have not necesarily been easy ones. I complain sometimes, I don't rush around and try to do stuff while DS is napping (I prefer to nap or veg out myself).

BUT, I am always here for my DS. Morning , noon, or night. I "run" our household by paying attention to all of our emotions, our stress levels, our general emotional healthy. DH might bring in the $$$, but I think I bring in the LOVE!

So, if that makes me a bad SAHM, so be it. This is what I do now, and I can't imagine being anywhere else.

[Red]

shelbean91 says it best, I think. Those are mostly the tricks that worked for me; crockpot, one room at a time, etc. a few more:

don't try to clean the whole bureau, or fridge, or whatever. Just clean one shelf or drawer each day.

Or decide to do one and only one extra chore a day for 20 minutes. Wash 20 minutes worth of walls, clean up that odd corner, put away clutter, sort some of that household paper that accumulates.

If you've got a baby, give yourself a break! what's more important? Not a clean floor, trust me!

If you've got kids old enough to walk and carry somehting at the same time, institute 'family clean-ups'. They can be 2 minutes, or 5 or 10. 2 minutes of you and a toddler racing to see who can put away the most toys accomplishes more than you'd believe. And once you've got 2 or 3 (or 5) cleaners, well, watch out clutter!

Take a half hour and plan your dinners for the next week...meatloaf and mashed with a salad, 2 nights later, meatloaf sandwiches, and potato salad. Roast chiken with baked taters, etc, and 2 nights later, homemade chicken soup. Cook one night and eat two nights.Once you start doingthis, it's quite simple. It's much easier to shop, to keep everything on hand and to get things out of the freezer, if it's written down.

Learn a few quick, super easy recipes your family enjoys, and keep the ingredients on hand.

Learn one more super easy recipe. Lie and make believe it's very complicated. Cook it for special occassions.

Let the kids help cook. Give them a bit, and invite a neighbor's dog in to 'vaccuum' the floor.

Take a nap, every day. Bribe your 3 yo with whatever it takes, video, playdough, I don't care. Even 'cat-napping' on the couch is good. Shoot for 8-9 hours. Consider it to be a necessity, like ....breathing.

Celebrate anything! Congratualte family on each of theri accomplishments.

Forgive yourself. Whatever it is you feel guilty for, right now, forgive yourself for. Thinks it's just too evil or awful to be forgiven?Try to make ammends to whomever you hurt, apolagize, try to fix it. If it can't be taken care of, the volunteer to cook in a homeless shelter, or visit the elderly or a veterans hospital until you feel you've evened things out. Then, FORGIVE yourself.

Want to do it 'right'? have fun, laugh every day, paly games with the kids, play some other with your DP, go on picnics, build castles in the snow and in the sand, swim, tak, giggle, hug, play dress up, dance love, nurse. Look into your kids eyes. Are they happy? Are you?

Think, what will matter 5 years from now? 10? 30?100? Breathe.

Tomorrow, do your best.

I so well remember being home with little ones, and thinking 'oh, I'm a pig! I never knew what was for dinner, or how I was going to get it cooked, and my husband is super picky! My house is trashed, my kids will remember I was a bad house keeper, people will talk. And people do always talk ....about how our little house is always big enough for one more, what a great cook I am, and how happy we are. My older kids tell me we always did neat stuff, ice cream for diiner, make-your-own sundaes, games, hide and seek in the dark (great game for older kids turn off light, hide in house. Much harder than you'd think !) cook outs and camping and generally hanging out as a family. They never once mention dishes being clean or how different the house looked after we went from apple crates for kitchen cabinets to the real kind. They bring their friends home to sleep over, even though we'll be squished together.

SOmeday your kids will give you some greaat feedback, until then....

Give yourself a big hug! You're doing a great job!

[mamaley]

red (and everyone else!), what a great post! thank you

[FourTrees]

Red, I just want to say that was an amazing post. I have a lot of trouble with depression, which leads to a lot of guilt about housework, etc. I think your post is print-worthy because your last words about what your children remember were just so powerful! Thanks a lot.

[Jennifer Z]

Red, that post touched a very deep part of me and was written with such utter wisdom. Thank you for taking the time to share.

Most mom's I know struggle with these questions, both those who work inside and outside the home. I think there is an image that a SAHM contends with...the "June Cleaver" image where you have a clean house, full blown meals 3 times a day...and so forth. There simply are not enough hours in a day. Plus, you might be home all day to clean it, but that means your kids are home all day to destroy it...and they are faster at destruction than I am at cleaning. (if you question this, give your toddler 1 minutes unlimited access to your pantry and an open flour container)

Plus, when you come places like this, you see MORE things you are "doing wrong", especially since you tend to get a combined image of all these mamas. I sometimes feel like I fall short of the MDC ideal...the CDing, co-sleeping, organic living, vegan, homeopathic, sewing, knitting, whole foods chef, gardening, canning, tie dyed hemp wearing, natural cleaner using, homeschooling, unschooling, no tv, non-commercial, homemade everything, home owning, substainable living, totally calm and at peace, while managing to meet all your child's needs and provide a waldorf-style stimulating environment. *whew* Ok, I do fit a number of these things, but ther is no way one human can do all of this. Each of us has our strong points, but the fact that each of us...every single one of us, also has our weak points sometimes gets lost in our minds.

I think ALL of us need to remember to see the big picture and posts like Red's are good reminders to that.

[pageta]

The FLYLADY has been my salvation - doing a little cleaning is better than no cleaning, routines, and menus. I have routines when I tidy the house (when DS goes down for a nap). It's okay to vacuum just the main areas and say you vacuumed. And I write out a menu on Thursday, get groceries on Friday, and cook 4 times on the weekend so we have plenty of leftovers to last all week. So our house is reasonably clean most of the time. I've been sick the past couple of days, so I haven't had the energy to stick with my routines, and boy can you tell! But recovery is more important than a clean house, right?

[Bearsmama]

Red-I can't thank you enough for posting your words above ( I think I will print them out!). You've BTDT with the little kid thing, and really do have perspective on what's important. And now that your kids are getting old enough to give you feedback, well, that's just wonderful.

Your words really made me tear up. I am like everyone else here, a struggling mama to one, with one on the way, and I ask myself WHAT's IMPORTANT? everyday. But inevitably get caught up in the MUCK of the day-to-day stuff.

Thanks again for your inspiring words.

[USAmma]

When I have it all together:

6 AM wake up to feed baby
6:30 3yo wakes up and we have snuggle time while she drinks her chocolate milk, then watches a video
7AM I do dishes left over from last night
8AM I take a shower with oldest while youngest is in bouncy seat
9AM I drop oldest at preschool for 2 hours while I do housework or run errands (if she doesn't have school that day we find something to get us out of the house)
11AM pick up oldest, fix her lunch
noon oldest takes nap until about 2, during which time I care for baby and if she falls asleep I get on the net for "me" time.
2 PM pack kids up and go to YMCA to workout, leave kids in childcare ** my ticket to sanity**
3 PM come home, have some one on one time with oldest while holding baby
5 PM fix dinner and pick up house
7 PM dh comes home and we eat dinner
8 PM oldest goes to bed
9 PM dh goes to bed
10 PM give baby last feeding and go to bed
(wake up at 1:30AM and 3:30 AM to feed baby)

On days when I don't have it together I pretty much sit on the couch and hold the baby and watch TV when oldest is playing by herself. Gab on the phone with friends, thow something from our freezer into the oven for dinner. Wake up the next morning to a really messy house and regrets for not having worked harder the day before.

[24hr.mom]

Gee, my day.

Nurse my 4 month old All day
Feed my 15 month old 5 mealsa day plus 3 to 4 bottles
Change diapers All day
Smile and play games with sons All Day

My DH cleans the house, does the laundry and goes grocery shopping, yes, he also puts in a full days of work

Dinner is usually rice with veggies and chicken or a frozen dinner, sandwich, soup, store bought pizza or anything that can cook be cooked without much effort.

I try to get in a nap when the boys are both sleeping or do something for myself.