Body Issues...

[Lucy&Jude'sMama]

With my daughter I gained 80 lbs. I was up to 235 when I gave birth... my own fault... All I wanted was milk and cookies! LOL! Well I got down to between 145-148 with a 23% body fat through a healthy balanced diet and exercise (running, weight training, kickboxing, zumba...etc) by the time she turned 8 months old. I worked my ass off! With clothes on I felt wonderful! I fit into a size 8 and I felt really good about that.

But it wasn't enough. I also have stretch marks and loose skin. I feel absolutely horrid about how I look with out clothes on. Right now I'm only managing not to feel too bad about things because I'm pregnant with number 2. I ended up gaining 25 lbs right before I got pregnant because honestly I just gave up. I was so motivated to loose the weight and to tone my body... then when all was said and done... I looked and the mirror and just cried. I worked so hard... My body fat was 35% when I started so I really worked hard. I was planning to continue to tone as much as possible. I didn't want to loose anymore weight but I did want to get my body fat lower. But like I said... I gave up and made myself more miserable by gaining 25 lbs! Now with this pregnancy I've gained 25 lbs so I'm up a total of 50 lbs. The weight gain doesn't bother me as much because I know I can loose weight. I have all the tools I need and so that's not the issue.

The issue is the part/s I can't change. At least not with out plastic surgery. It makes me so depressed and for the last 2 years I have been trying desperately to change my attitude about it. I try not to talk smack about my body. I try to look and the mirror and say I look beautiful. I try to feel comfortable and sexy naked. I try to see myself as my partner does. BUT NOTHING WORKS! I still HATE my body. I feel like I'm never going to be happy with it. I'm extremely critical of everything about it. I've had mild-moderate acne since I was 18... nothing has worked to get rid of it. I've gotten better with make-up over the years but it still sucks being 24 and dealing with pimple city. Plus I'm a licensed esthetician so that just makes it embarrassing! I’m 24 and I’ll never wear a bikini again. I’m never going to wear anything that doesn’t touch my knees and even then I’m uncomfortable and I feel awkward and ugly. I have to buy clothes based on how my skin will fold and not by the size that I am. I probably would have been a size 6-7 if it wasn’t for the loose skin.

I felt really comfortable in my own skin before I had my daughter. I felt sexy. I’ve never been a size 1-2 and I’ve never wanted to be. I’ve always enjoyed having a bit of a curvy figure. After I had my daughter I was actually more fit and toned than I’ve ever been in my life, but you couldn’t tell because on top of it was loose skin and stretch marks. If you took that away I would have had the beginning of some very nice abs. You could feel the muscle underneath all the crap on top. UGH! Its just very hard to deal with. I always am telling people… Don’t complain about your weight and how you look if your not going to do anything about it. Well I did do something about it… I did all I could besides surgery and I’m still unhappy.

I guess I’m posting on here to see if anyone has gone through this as well. How do you get past it? I really do want to get past it. I don’t want surgery to be my only option. I want to love my body and see it as a beautiful baby making machine. LOL! I just don’t know how. I’ve been on the Shape of a Mother site and I know I’m not the only one. But I still feel crappy. I really want to change this about myself. I really want to strut my stuff, feel sexy, and feel good no matter how many stretch marks I have or what size my butt is. I’m so envious of the women who can do this because they look beautiful to me because of their confidence. It just seems unreal for me to even get there. It’s been an awful 2 year battle that seem to get worst with time instead of better. My poor partner hates it when I talk about how much I despise my body… He loves me. He is constantly telling me I’m beautiful, sexy, I make him squirm…etc. I just don’t see it. I wish I could see myself as he sees me. I wish I could just be ok… maybe I’ll never love my body the way other women love theirs, but I hope/wish that one day I can just be ok with it. I can just look in the mirror naked and be ok.

[philomom]

Okay, so here's the thing.... the American culture of self-loathing is bad, evil and you must reject it. If you don't do it soon you will infect your daughter and she will never be happy passing a mirror, either.


Are you well rested?
Have a great haircut?
Bright, lovely clothes that flatter your skin tone?

Put a smile on your face and count your blessings and never, ever, utter another bad word about your body. It sounds like your body has done a great job for you. Take care of it the best you can.

Can't put this behind you and save your child's body image? Get some therapy. Really. No girl child needs this baggage. And boys don't need to think that all women hate their bodies.

Good luck.

[Lucy&Jude'sMama]

While I understand partly where you are coming from and I agree that this is something I need to get past.... I don't think it's ok to assume I would let this affect my daughter. I don't go around shouting about not liking my body or making negative remarks. I deal with this internally. My daughter is 2 and although she doesn't fully grasp the concept of body image and things we see as adults I am still very careful with what I say about my body and anyone elses body around her. I agree that you can put very negative thoughts into children's heads with the way you act and feel about yourself which is why I'm trying to deal with this but it's not as simple as
"go to therapy".... I've had years o therapy.

What I was looking for was advice or words of wisdom from women who have gone through this or something similar and who have "seen the light" so to speak. I don't need to hear that I'm a bad mother for feeling this way about myself.

[philomom]

In no way did I call you a bad mother.

And two years old is not too young to pick up on things. Kids are smart little folks.. smarter than we give them credit for.

Good luck to you.

[DCMama01]

I have a different perspective that might come as a shock on this board.

Have you considered surgery? If you've done the hard work of losing the weight the old fashioned way and were still unhappy, I see nothing wrong with a nip tuck as a reward. Body image is important to quality of life. If I were in your shoes, and nothing else has worked, I'd consider surgery. I'm a homebirthing granola momma, but I'd go under the knife to feel good about my body again.

I have a friend who went this route and she's very happy with her decision.

[PoetryLover]

It's funny, before I had my son I had a nice figure. But when I looked in the mirror, I picked myself to pieces. Post baby, I have some insecure moments. However, overall, I am much easier on myself. I have a greater respect for my body these days, a greater appreciation for all that my body has done. I try to see the changes in my body in a loving way. I carried and gave birth to the sweetest, most beautiful baby boy. If I have stretch marks, it's because my body, heart, mind and soul all stretched to accommodate my son, to welcome him into my world. It's a period of expansion and growth.

Try to be gentle with yourself. Splurge on yourself a little if you can. It may sound surface, but sometimes a new outfit or hair style works wonders on the self esteem. Take a relaxing bath, have your partner give you a massage (by candle light if you prefer). Remind yourself of the things you like about your body, such as nice eyes, a pretty smile, toned calves, etc. Spend some time on a regular basis doing something you're passionate about, that you enjoy immensely. Enthusiasm is infectious. Work to build your confidence, as confidence is truly one of the most attractive qualities in a person.

[mamallama]

Yep--I'm a homebirthing, crunchy, nurse 'em till they're ready to wean, whole foods mama. I don't wear make up (I'm 36 and I look every day of it; maybe I should!) I don't shave. I've never seen an esthetician and I likely never will--it's just not my thing.

But...I see this:

The issue is the part/s I can't change. At least not with out plastic surgery. It makes me so depressed and for the last 2 years I have been trying desperately to change my attitude about it.

...and I'm with the previous poster who said a nip and tuck is not out of the question.

It's important to be comfortable in your own skin. You sound desperately uncomfortable. You've tried the low impact stuff, achieved success, and found that you need more. You've worked hard on adjusting your outlook, but you've found limited success.

So...you can continue to work on your outlook on your own, but since what you've done on your own thus far hasn't been very helpful, it sounds like it's time to consult a mental health professional....or you can take surgical steps to change your body.

Therapy or surgery...or both...I wouldn't rule out any of your options.

Your body is a beautiful baby maker, whatever it's shape.

[Lucy&Jude'sMama]

Originally Posted by philomom

In no way did I call you a bad mother.

And two years old is not too young to pick up on things. Kids are smart little folks.. smarter than we give them credit for.

Good luck to you.

No you didn't call me that... Its what I read into your post. I'm a bit over sensitive when it comes to this stuff and I can't really take criticism well right now. No big deal. I'm also emotional and pregnant on top of all this so yeah... LOL.

Ladies- Thank you for your posts. Surgery is in my head, but I'd really like to feel ok and for surgery to be more for comfort than my only option to feel better about myself... Does that make sense? For instance... I'd like to not have to "fold" my boobs into my bra. HA! It makes it very hard to purchase bras and very uncomfortable. My boobs went from C's to FF's and then sucked dry and down to Ds. Anyways... I am just really still hoping a light bulb will go off in my head or something. Ya know? I made a journal and I only journal in it with positive things about everything from my body to life... I rarely journal, but when I do I grab that one and even on a bad day I do my best to write something positive about the day or myself.

When I gave birth to Lucy I gave myself a 3 year plan. 1 year to loose the weight and 2 years to tone up... If by the end of 3 years I still hated my body... then I would seriously consider surgery, but not before 3 years. Well I gave up too soon because of how I was feeling emotionally and I had a miscarriage in that time frame too which didn't help...and then I got pregnant with number two. The good news is that this is my last baby so I'll be able to have a full 3 years with out baby making interruptions. I am going to stick with my 3 year plan. I'm giving myself 2 months to enjoy being plump (hello thanksgiving and christmas! woot!) and then I'm going to get my head back into the game... Loose the baby weight and the 25 lbs I gained before pregnancy... Then I'll have roughly 2 1/2 years to work on my body fat and work on doing everything in my power to feel good mentally and physically about myself. Hopefully there will be a light bulb in that time too. I'm not a runner but I have a goal of running the Rock and Roll marathon... ok maybe half walking and half running... LOL... But I'd like to do it at the end of the 3 years. I think it would be a wonderful accomplishment and would help to keep me on track. Anyways that's my plan. Got to keep my motivation and not loose sight of my goals. I just hope I don't still feel this way after 3 years... Time heals all wounds? Eh... maybe.

[Purple Sage]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way about yourself. It really is miserable!

You asked how others have gotten over such feelings, and I'll be happy to tell you what works for me. What I've found the most helpful is to direct all the negativity where it belongs, which is not at my own body.

I mean, isn't it sick how we're all told by the multi-billion dollar beauty industry that only a certain look is acceptable? Only a very tiny fraction of women will ever measure up to this standard, and we're told that this is the norm we should all strive to attain. It is infuriating.

The fact is that you are totally normal in your appearance, and so am I. Why should we allow a profit-driven industry to dictate how we feel about ourselves? They don't care about us, and they spend a LOT of money to deliberately make us feel bad so that we buy their products, which includes cosmetic surgery.

My advice would be to stop looking in the mirror and directing your hate at yourself, and start directing all that negativity at the industry instead. Don't let them have this power over you.

[journeymom]

Be patient with yourself. You need time. You are in mourning about your changed body and it's completely understandable. I promise you that you dealing with this right now isn't going to affect your dd's attitude about herself ONE BIT. You've got some great self awareness: you know this isn't a healthy state of mind to stay in.

But the last thing you need right now is one more reason to tie yourself in to pretzel knots trying to make your brain think a certain way when it's not ready to go there.

Allow yourself to be sad, it's A-OK. But your goal is to gradually accept yourself and love yourself more and more.

Because the truth is you are absolutely perfect and normal right now. Your body has performed wonderfully! I totally agree with the above mamas, what the commercial beauty and fashion industry has done to western women's estimation of what is a normal and acceptable appearance is criminal. Absolutely evil.

I'm not anti surgery, but I only suggest that you wait a fews years after your last child is born, wait until you're in a really good place and feeling better about yourself, before you look into it.

[St. Margaret]

Have you tried looking at the Shape of a Mother site? It has all these pictures of "real" women. It might help.

But my sister used to weight over 300 lbs or close to that I think, and while she's a very natural person, she's definitely considering surgery when she gets down to her goal (she's VERY healthy, works out all the time, is very strong, etc, but still has all this extra skin on her tummy especially, just empty/floppy).

I tend not to feel the same way about my body. I just get unhappy when I gain weight b/c I can't eat right and work out (ie going back to work to save my family pretty much-- it really killed me this year! but it was a sacrifice for my family, I try to tell myself, and I'll get back to where I was...) When I'm healthy I feel fab about my body, and it's nowhere NEAR "standard." So I think it's possible to change an attitude instead of a body, but there are times when getting help changing a body is totally reasonable, too!

[ChristyMarie]

(((HUGS)))

After my son was born and then later during fertility treatments I just did not recognize my own body. It was very weird. I was fine during pregnancy - loved the changes, embraced it, etc. But afterwards it was just weird and very unsettling to not feel comfortable in your own skin. And I didn't gain as much as you did. I gained 40 pounds when I was pregnant and about 12 during the fertility treatments (only 3 more to go!) but it was a weird 12 that changed the shape of my torso and behind. Just now I'm getting my normal proportions back.

I think your feelings are normal. I do. It is weird when you've always been a certain size/shape and suddenly that is gone and replaced by something you really don't know how to deal with.

I think waiting at least a year after your last child is born is a great idea. See what happens, see if the skin bounces back. It might, you never know. You accomplished a lot - losing that much body fat % is a huge accomplishment so clearly you know what you are doing. If you get there again and still feel weird I would look into surgical options. Why not? Investigate and see if it is for you. It may or may not be but it is worth looking into.

[tanyam926]

I am going through something similar right now so I can relate to how you are feeling.

I am about 10 lbs from my pre pg weight (lost 35 so far) and I am still not totally happy. I kept obsessing about the weight and it was always in my mind that when/if I lost the weight then I would be happy w/my body.

I'm not unhappy in general but my life hasn't changed that much from losing weight, I'm still not happy with my body (which is a life long struggle for me).

I appreciate my body, but I feel like part of my identity is missing, the part of me that felt sexually powerful and confident. I also try to look at myself like my dh does but it's hard to see beautiful amidst all the flaws.

So while I don't have any profound words of wisdom as I am still working this all out in my own mind, I really feel your pain and struggle.

I am also trying to explore the idea that maybe the struggle or journey towards self acceptance is THE point, and that the end result (of feeling completely at peace and happy w/everything in one's life, in other words feeling like life is perfect) is unnattainable. I feel content and happy w/my life and maybe that's exactly where I need to be.

Sidenote: about the acne, I stumbled upon acne.org a few months ago, started the regimen (sp?) after trying everything else, natural and not, and it is the first and only thing that has completely cleared up my acne. (You can use products from the grocery store which I started with and then ordered their products which are even better).

[LROM]

While I love a PPs advice to re-direct your anger away from your own body and towards the real culprit here: corporate values about how women "should" look, even after childbirth... I think part of the problem here is that you are an esthetician, which if I have the correct meaning means you are professionally giving advice to women about keeping their faces looking healthy and beautiful?

But even if I have the exact definition wrong, I'm pretty sure it has SOMETHING to do with the beauty industry. Which means... even if you practice your profession with compassion and realism yourself, you are still very connected to the very machine some of us think is to blame for how you're feeling.

Have you thought about how your field of work also influences how you feel about yourself? Even if you look great in clothes and no one at work knows how you feel nekkid, YOU know how much of a value everyone else is putting on being "beautiful" and - hey, it's true: perfect. That can be a very hard environment to be trying to love your totally natural (and probably gorgeous and supersexy already) body.

Also, have you talked to your DH about how you feel? I wonder if hearing more abotu how he sees you might not help you appreciate the fabulous body you already have more?

[Storm Bride]

OP: There's another aspect to the way you look that you may not have thought of. How old are you? As we age, we tend to lose skin elasticity, but if you're still fairly young, you may still have a lot of "give". Some of the sag may be from losing the weight as quickly as you did...it wasn't outrageously fast, but it was pretty quick. (I'm reading that you lost about 90 pounds in 8 months...even allowing for the baby/placenta/fluid, that's over 2 pounds a week.)

I definitely agree with others that working on the way you see your body is important, but it may actually help with appearance if you try to take it off a little more slowly this time. It gives the skin a slightly better chance of adapting as you lose the weight.

Oh - and don't discount the impact of the miscarriage. I've always been fat, and it's mostly not bugged me that much. When I'm active, I don't care that I'm fat, and when I'm not active, I'm much more bothered by the feeling that I'm not getting enough exercise than I am by the weight itself. However, I really, really hate my body - not because of the fat, but because of the miscarriages, c-sections and stillbirth. It's really hard to handle it when our bodies feel as if they've let us down. I wouldn't be at all surprised if, on some levels, you conflate your "new" (post partum) body and the miscarriage.

ETA: I just flipped back through your OP, and I see that you're 24. You probably do still have a fair bit of skin elasticity. It might be worth trying a slightly less aggressive weight loss regimen this time around, and see if it helps with the stretched out skin.

[New_Natural_Mom]

I gained 52 lbs with my pregnancy. I lost all the weight, but my body is wrecked. My stomach looks like it has moon craters from all the stretch marks. I have them all the way down my thighs to my knees! I have lots of loose skin and, to add insult to injury, I had diastasis recti (my abs split) so I had a mono ab where all my abs went straight up my belly. I also have a c-sec scar. I started running daily and working out. I eat healthy.

I am very discouraged about my body. I know it isn't attractive now. My DH hasn't said as much (and never would) but I can tell he feels the same way.

I don't have an answer. I half jokingly talk about a tummy tuck, but I can't really justify the expense/danger of surgery. Plus, we might have another baby.

You aren't alone. Many women hide this. I think it is doubly difficult to be in such a superficial society where women are worshipped as objects and not for their inherent value as people.

Personally, I have decided to get a lot of tattoos. I figure, it isn't going to get better than this, so I might as well decorate what I have. My DH is not thrilled with my plan, but really, it's true. Unless I turn into Heidi Montag, this is as good as it can get. I am just going to add a little frosting.

[JTA Mom]

Originally Posted by Lucy&Jude'sMama

What I was looking for was advice or words of wisdom from women who have gone through this or something similar and who have "seen the light" so to speak. I don't need to hear that I'm a bad mother for feeling this way about myself.

Here's mine...

After giving birth, your body is going through a HUGE adjustment. It's normal to have saggy skin. In fact, my skin didn't 'retract' back for almost a year after birth, and that was without losing any baby weight.

I have read that the majority of plastic surgeons will NOT do surgery on someone who has lost a significant amount of weight if they have not been at that weight for at least a year. According to them, it takes at least a year at a steady weight for skin to 'bounce' back.

Since you lost a ton of weight fast, your skin not only had to deal with the stretching of pregnancy, but also the loss of a huge amount of weight. Skin takes time to bounce back. It just does.

It's hard to deal with huge body changes. I remember after giving birth how odd my body was. My proportions had completely changed. Where I held fat completely changed. My belly....ugh.

The same way it takes time for skin to bounce back, it takes time to accept the inevitable body changes (like stretched out hips & boobs!). Just give yourself time.

Ami

[Lucy&Jude'sMama]

Thank you ladies for all the wonderful replies! I've been busy and hadn't had a time to check this post until now.

As a side note because someone mentioned about my job being part of the problem... I'm not just an esthetician... I'm also a weight loss consultant. LOL! So I've got double! But that's all going to change soon since I plan to be a SAHM after #2 comes. But yes... I agree.. My job is definitely not helpful in remembering the "natural" beauty aspect of life. I also work for my super fit mom. Ha! Oh and yes this is one job. I do my best to help others with how they feel about their bodies. I don't go preaching or telling people unrealistic goals to achieve. I would say we have a very healthy way of looking at weight loss and body sizes. I'm not complaining about my weight gain that aspect of it doesn't bother me... Its what I can't change or I have to be patient with. I mean seriously I am not a patient person! lol!

I'm 29 weeks pregnant now. I started seeing the loose skin around 35 weeks with my daughter. Right now I can see it and I can see that its already getting worst than what it was.

So I keep chanting to myself:

"You are not going to obsess about what you can't change! You are not going to obsess about this during pregnancy! You are going to do what you can after this baby comes out in a healthy and reasonable time frame. You will wait 3 years to even consider surgery (I don't have the money anyways so that's easy. LOL!). This body has already created 1 beautiful life and it's now creating a 2nd. You would not give up what this body has created for your old body back. Stop obsessing!!!!" LOL and yes I seriously yell at myself.

I can't bring myself to say "My body is beautiful". I just don't see it. I know I should, but I don't. All I see is ugly. Argh! I wish I would have known more about this aspect of mommy-hood before getting pregnant. I just would have like to have known... Hey appreciate what you have because its going to go away and never return! Of course that doesn't happen to everyone so no one really tells you about it. Plus I would feel embarrassed telling someone that and then they turn around and bounce right back like they never even had a kid. Sorry to whine but some days I just don't understand why I couldn't be like one of them. Those perfect preggo people. Of course I'm the stupid one who went and gained 80 lbs! But I have friends who gained 50+ and they bounced right back... that's just how their bodies are made. They didn't do anything special. There is no special cure. Basically other than the typical eat well and be active it comes down to having the right genes or not. My genes suck! I'm 24 and stuck with this body. That is so painful to deal with every day. When my daughter is around we always talk about loving our bodies and she will rub my tummy and kiss the baby inside... Of course she also loves to grab mommy's squishy tummy too. I do everything in my power to be loving towards my body and to hold back negative emotions around my daughter. It's very important to me that she doesn't go through this. Which is a reason why surgery might not work for me because I don't know how I can tell my daughter to love her body and then go and change mine. Ya know? Ugh! Being a mom is hard. Doing right for yourself but also doing right for your children isn’t always the same thing. I know I would choose my kids over anything else. Maybe 3 years from now I'll come back with a completely different attitude. I don't want to just lie to myself and say "My body is beautiful". I want to believe it. I really truly want to believe it. I'm tired of being bitter towards it. I'm tired of hating it. I just don't know how to go about loving it.

Well I didn't mean to make a post all over again! lol! Thanks again for all the replies. It's great to hear from different women who go through similar and to get the advice. I really do appreciate it and am glad I have somewhere to whine and moan.