Constant fighting is ruining homeschooling

[Lisa1970]

I have never faced this with any of my children before. BUT, my 8 and 6 yr old literally scream all day long and go at each other and hit each other and attack and it is awful. I also have a 14 and 15 yr old and they never did this. I have heard people say their children fight all day long, but I cannot possibly imagine it could be this bad.

The older child has PDD-NOS so that might be playing a role. But he went out for the day yesterday and my 6 yr old still went around constantly screaming and throwing tantrums. He was bored, he wanted a new toy, he wanted his friend to come over who was not coming until noon, he wanted this and that and so on.

I have homeschooled before and loved it. But this is torture. I do not want to send them to our rotten local public schools. DH is suggested private school, as he says he cannot stand the screaming any more. But I am afraid of the finances, or it won't be any better than the public schools. Also, since 8 yr old has PDD, most schools would not want him.

I have tried rewards, I have tried time outs, I have tried so much (I don't spank so I have not tried that). I just asked for the two to not fight from 2-5 this afternoon and I would take them to get a video game. Instead, they were fighting horribly by 3. I even was letting them watch movies.

I am picturing the entire time homeschooling being like life is right now, where I come running constantly because they are screaming and hitting each other. I have an 11 month old who cannot even take a nap because they tear around the house chasing each other when they are fighting and ultimately end up waking the baby. Earlier, in their fight, I came running, but the baby was in the same room as them and when 8 yr old threw something at 6 yr old because 6 yr old hit him on the back, which might have been before or after 8 yr old did something, anyway, 8 yr old ended up where what he threw hit the baby. I was trying to tell them to stop and the baby was on the floor with his toys and 8 yr old just picked this thing up and threw it and missed and got the baby instead. I was right there when it happened, but do not know exactly how the fight began. But literally, it is impossible to try to figure out how the fights begin, even if you are in the room. Because you can be sitting next to these two and suddenly, one screams and you cannot figure out who hit first!

Any suggestions or help? I would really like to make the homeschooling work.

[DirtyHippyMama]

no advice, as i am in a very similar situation. my 8yo son (with Mood Disorder NOS) fights constantly with my 5yo twins (of which the boy is PDD-NOS). i often feel like i have been cursed with karmic punishment by this combo of children.

[Lisa1970]

Originally Posted by DirtyHippyMama

no advice, as i am in a very similar situation. my 8yo son (with Mood Disorder NOS) fights constantly with my 5yo twins (of which the boy is PDD-NOS). i often feel like i have been cursed with karmic punishment by this combo of children.

I often wonder what I did in my last life. I love my children, and I know it could be worse. But this is hard!

[Tuesday]

My 7 y/o (mood disorder) and 4 y/o sons are fighting constantly. You have my sympathies. I wish I could give you suggestions. But you're not alone!

[philomom]

Move into a better school district to save the cost of private school tuition. Once you kids spend less time together, the fighting will taper off.

[CrazyCatLady]

I only home school one kid. But she has her days of being mean, cranky, refusing to help, refusing to do anything, rude, etc. I'm a laid back type and let most stuff slide. But when I've really had it I tell her that she needs to cooperate somewhat and treat me with some basic respect...or she needs to start going to school because I can only deal with so much.

I'm semi-serious when it gets to the point of me threatening her with school, and I think she can feel it. So usually she shapes up a bit. If it were a completely empty threat it might not work at all. Just thought I'd throw it out there anyways. I hope you get some peace in your house soon.

[rockportmama]

Mine are still pretty little, but I find this book invaluable: Siblings without Rivalry by Adele Fisher & Elaine Mazlish http://www.amazon.com/Siblings-Witho...1821066&sr=8-1

They also wrote How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk & How to Talk so Kids Will Learn.

If you read Christian books I also recommend Boundaries by Henry Cloud & John Townsend http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Whe...1821532&sr=1-1.

Sorry, I haven't BTDT yet, but these books are definately where I'd start.

HTH,
,
-rockport-

[Nitenites]

Can you separate them, at least during school time?

[kathymuggle]

Mine absolutely do fight - but I have found balancing our lives help to keep it at a minimum. Here are some ideas - hope a few will work for you

1. When they fight - send them outside or upstairs, etc. You may choose to fight if you want, but I do not not want to hear it. It is a PITA to move the fight elsewhere - they often do not bother.

2. Balance inside and outside play; balance at home and community activities. I find if we are home for too many days in a row everyone gets antsy.

3. One on one time with kids when possible.

4. Somehow arrange activities for kids to do solo. Classes, groups, etc. I enrolled my younger 2 in separate day camps this summer - I got one on one time and they had a good break from the siblings. Twofer!

5. Look at if you are contributing to the fighting in any way. For years I have defended youngest DD against her sister (because of the 4 yr age gap there was a genuine imbalance of power). That, however, is no longer working - and has led my older DD to believe I always take younger DD's side. Staying out of their fights has helped cut down on the duration of the fights immensely.

6. Change the environment/be clear on rules. My girls used to have a daily fight over who got a blanket. I bought a blanket, put it downstair, told them it lives there - and is for sharing. No more fights over blankets. Proactively problems solve (and involve them in this process if you can!)

[dubatatamama]

I agree with a lot of what Kathymuggle had to say. My 2 DC fight a lot as well and I usually just separate them. I also make sure we do lots of one-on-one time and they have 2 hours of quiet time in their rooms in the afternoon to get a break from each other.

I also have to say, not to cause any problems, but Philomom...I am having a hard time understanding why you continue to frequent the homeschooling boards when you obviously have nothing positive to say about homeschooling in ANY thread you comment on. Your posts are generally very short and snarky...give it a rest already...we are here to support each other!!

[Ravin]

I'd probably give them time outs in separate rooms every time they start in on it, and if they want to continue after that, send them in the backyard in helmets, boffer swords in hand, to settle things directly.

I'd also consider cubby desks to isolate them from each other while doing schoolwork, if it particularly came up during school time. Grounding from screen time for the day would be a likely consequence if it interfered with getting school work done--I only have the one, but if she's in a bad temper and her tantrums, stalling, attitude, etc. make it so we get to the end of my rope and the late afternoon without getting a reasonable minimum of what I expect done, she doesn't get to watch TV or play on the computer after we finish, including at bedtime (a big deal to her). Anything thrown at another person or used to hit would find its way into the off-limits zone for the rest of the hour/day/week (for 1st, 2nd, 3rd offenses with the item)

I'd also work on giving each of them positive one-on-one attention whenever you get the chance, and take notice and express your approval and appreciation for times when they help each other and play well together. Often fighting is about attention-seeking, both from each other and from you.

[onyxravnos]

if none of the above tips work perhaps you could do a daycare swap?
- send kid A over to a friends house for an hour or two so you can focus on work with Kid B.
- friend comes over to your house for a hour or two
- Kid B goes to friends house (same or different family doesn't matter) so you can spend some time with kid A

[Kindermama]

When children cause this much distress for the whole family, something has to change. I don't think you necessarily have to put them in school. You have to put your foot down! First, ask yourself how you or DH might be modeling this aggression towards them or towards each other (just a thought-not an accusation). Second, firmly, calmly and lovingly separate them...for hours if you have to. Let them know their behavior is not acceptable. Teach them how to work through conflicts....use a peace stick (whoever is holding it gets to speak and not be interrupted). Have them play in separate areas of the house and rotate these spaces. Let them know it will remain this way until they can work out conflicts peacefully.

Another thought is do you have a general routine to your day? Media can also be a huge influence as far as behavior/character development---be sure they are not being constantly exposed to unruly behavior! From what I've learned, rewards never work---for long! Don't even bother threatening to take away or bribing to give them things. What they need is straight, solid boundaries! It will take awhile before they get it although you'll always have to tolerate some level of sibling rivalry.

I sound like an old-school grandma! I really am all for gentle parenting so do this all GENTLY!

[Lisa1970]

Originally Posted by Kindermama

When children cause this much distress for the whole family, something has to change. I don't think you necessarily have to put them in school. You have to put your foot down! First, ask yourself how you or DH might be modeling this aggression towards them or towards each other (just a thought-not an accusation). Second, firmly, calmly and lovingly separate them...for hours if you have to. Let them know their behavior is not acceptable. Teach them how to work through conflicts....use a peace stick (whoever is holding it gets to speak and not be interrupted). Have them play in separate areas of the house and rotate these spaces. Let them know it will remain this way until they can work out conflicts peacefully.

Another thought is do you have a general routine to your day? Media can also be a huge influence as far as behavior/character development---be sure they are not being constantly exposed to unruly behavior! From what I've learned, rewards never work---for long! Don't even bother threatening to take away or bribing to give them things. What they need is straight, solid boundaries! It will take awhile before they get it although you'll always have to tolerate some level of sibling rivalry.

I sound like an old-school grandma! I really am all for gentle parenting so do this all GENTLY!

The video games seem to be really affecting them. That is compounded by the PDD-NOS. Yesterday, we got through the day by saying if everything was complete, they would get video games at the end. My 8 yr old started his work and then stopped to scream (I think I need to tweak out something we tried to do yesterday, we were doing a science experiment, but I was trying to get them to listen to all the explanation first which is when things fell a part. Then in after thought, I realized we do not need to really do the whole explanation). The 8 yr old eventually came back and was able to to the experiment. And then eventually finish his work. It was about 1 hr worth of work, but he spent maybe 6 hrs trying to get it done. This was actually a very good start. I think that today, he will just get his work done as he realizes he cannot just run off screaming all the time. I hope it gets better today.

[Kindermama]

Another thing to keep in mind is look at the big picture, not the small details....you can skip over things that really cause more harm than good (in this case the joy of learning)! That's the wonderful flexibility you get as homeschoolers!