Improving accommodation of inlaws for the sake of a grandchild - Page 5

[That Is Nice]

Great post - thank you very much

Originally Posted by savannah smiles

I think it can be easier to spend more money on the people/kids you spend more time with simply because there's more opportunity to. My SIL lives w/ my inlaws and her 7 yr old son lives there, too. My inlaws are great people who have always tried to be very fair in terms of gifts. Even so, having a kid right there in their home means they're probably spending more on him overall since they're likely to be out w/ him when he's hungry (so they'll feed him) or at a store with him when he sees a toy he likes (so they buy it). They also know him better just from being with him so much so I'm guessing it's just easier to buy stuff for him because they know his likes and needs better.

I guess the key difference between my situation and yours is that: my inlaws don't tell me about all the stuff they do for my nephew and we we're comfortable financially so we don't need anything from them. I can see where it would rankle me if we were in a different typ of situation.

Thank you so much for this post. Thank you! You've summed it up right there. Yes, MIL and FIL spend more time with BIL and his children, which I don't think I can change (for all the reasons previously posted) and as a consequence of spending more time with them, they spend a lot more money on them and not just more money, but more meaningful, targeted gifts that really help the family and the kids and this is because they know them better because they spend more time with them.

It's a circle. What came first? Visiting more often and for longer periods of time or favoring them more and buying them more things and providing them with more familial support? Round and round, the circle continues.

I can't solve the issues of my FIL and his alcoholism and MIL's excuses for why they won't or can't visit us on the same level they do the other grandchildren.

It's out of my hands.

But, yes, they do talk about it (one issue) and we do need their help because we are financially strapped and struggling (second issue, but not their responsibility).

The combination of the issues makes it quite frustrating and sad. You hit the nail on the head. Front and center.

What you said sums it up perfectly.

[BetsyS]

Originally Posted by mamazee

I remember when I first had a baby that my mom said, "Now I have a real grandchild." And I pointed out my nephews and niece, my brother's kids, and she said that your daughter's kids are more like real grandkids than your son's kids. Which I think is very very sad. But maybe your MIL has weird issues like that too.

My FIL said that when we had our first baby. It was their 9th grandchild, but the first one to "carry on the name". (Dh has 3 sisters).

It makes me horribly uncomfortable because MY children are the favored ones. I don't really know what to do--they visit us more often, they buy more stuff, etc, etc. It's not the wonderful gravy train that you are imagining it to be. It's really not.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by BetsyS

My FIL said that when we had our first baby. It was their 9th grandchild, but the first one to "carry on the name". (Dh has 3 sisters).

It makes me horribly uncomfortable because MY children are the favored ones. I don't really know what to do--they visit us more often, they buy more stuff, etc, etc. It's not the wonderful gravy train that you are imagining it to be. It's really not.

Thanks for pointing that out in this thread. For what it's worth, I don't think it would be a wonderful gravy train.

If it were my child who was favored, I probably wouldn't like that, either, and I'd probably speak up. In fact, my FIL and MIL were less than good grandparents to their two oldest grandchildren, and I did speak up about that to them.

I was the favorite of one of my parents, and while I have a special bond to this day with that parent, I didn't like the preferential treatment and I was always reminding my parent that they should do this, that, or the other.

Fairness has always been important to me, no matter what side I fell on.

I'm sort of the same way at work, and I've always made it a point to be nice to everyone and throw projects and accolades the way of my co-workers. If someone did a good job, I make sure to acknowledge that and compliment in front of the boss.

[p.s]

So maybe here is another perspective. I will comment on a few of your comments, just to maybe put another light on things, to try to point out some things.

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

...

What I do for MIL (and FIL):

- I do have a very nice place for MIL to sleep and I have always put out fresh sheets, blankets and pillows for her. Yes, it is an air mattress, but it is quite comfortable (more comfortable than where we sleep, actually) ....
- I go to the grocery store before her visit and get good things (just not meat) and usually I order pizza or other take-out for her and she chooses what she wants from the menu. More often than not, DH and I pay for it.
....I try to overlook things when at their house, within reason.
....
In return, I am asking that they be fair and spend an equivalent amount of time and money on DS as they do on their other two grandchildren the same age who happen to live much further away.
..

I do not mean to be rude. I think what you "do" for your IL's should be a given. This is what I have been taught to do for every guest. And more. Open any book on hospitality, and you can read the same. I do not put out linens; I make up the bed as nice as possible. And I would agree with a PP, that getting down to an air mattress can be very difficult for anyone (depending on health conditions), and over the age of 50 in general.
Of course it is your home, your finances.. so your choice to not buy another alternative. But then I would understand why someone wouldn't want to visit.
When people come to visit us, we pay for all food. None of 50-50. I think that the guests have already spent time and money to come visit us... so we "pay" for the visit. In general we do not do pizza. I think visits are special, so there is at least one nice dinner out. Then all dinners at home are nice. We eat meat, but if we didn't, I would still buy meat for my guests if they ate it. We can go meatless all the other times they are not visiting.
I too think it is too much to expect IL's to be fair.
For the record, my IL's vastly, hugely, abundantly favor SIL's kids over mine. Even when IL's visit, all they do is talk about SIL's kids, or DH's sibs. They spend (what it seems like) all their disposable income on SIL's kids.
This was very hard for me to swallow for the first 2.5 y of ds1's life. But I eventually realized that I can't control them. And I have no right to try. I also now realize I have no right to expect fairness. And since I let this go, a lot of bitter has left me. Whether you are bitter or not, I do not know. But it sounds like you are from reading your posts. And if someone is even a little bitter, it can be almost impossible to avoid showing it.

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

Sometimes they pay, but we always offer, and we pay upwards of 50% of the time. I have cooked for MIL in the past, and she will say it's good, but cooking and the food we have has come up after the fact. I don't cook or buy meat. When I've cooked I have made them pasta, and it's fine until surprising comments later. That's why we often get take out and pizza. They can choose off the menu what they want and select the place.

Again, it sounds like they want meat. I would then just buy it. If I truly cannot fix it, then I would fork over the money to buy excellent prepared meat dishes... which are available in any gourmet grocers in a city. And yes I am just as busy, and probably busier than the vast majority of other mothers.... but if I want someone to visit, then I think this is one of the things reasonable to do.
Also, when we take others out to eat, I plan to pay. I also remind DH before we sit down to grab the check. My only goals are to: 1. make pleasant conversation; 2. let guest choose the entrees (as in if it's shared, obviously if it's individual); 3. get the check before the guest. I remind DH if it looks like he is moving too slow to intercept. I also have two constantly moving little ds's, so things can be busy. But intercepting a check is easier than arguing over who pays.
I think "surprising comments" are okay... They give me clues on how I can change, to make the situation next better. And they give me clues to decipher the person speaking.

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

Look, I know my house isn't the most accommodating, but we live here. Yeah, there are improvements I'd like to make for us, but we don't because of lack of time and money. I'm not choosing to NOT do these things for inlaws just because. There are real reasons, and, mostly, they are financial and to a lesser extent philosophical.
... We don't have a grill, but I do get them take-out. ...

If your IL's really like to grill, you can get a Weber grill for $20-50 dollars. Probably really cheap from Craigslist or a thrift store.

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

I think I will just focus on not having them be a part of our lives. ....
I spelled out how I make an effort in my OP. I do make an effort.
....
Again, I think I will just focus on not having them be a part of our lives.

How about not focusing at all. How about not focusing on them not being a part of your life and not not focusing. As in, just let it be.

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

I think I will just focus on everything else in our full-plate lives, and not have them be a part of our lives for the most part.

This sounds like active intentional behavior on your part. What I am proposing is to step back and have no active intent. And to have no control. And to let go of "have."
In my situation, when I let go.... it was incredibly freeing. I like to have things in control. Under control. I think I have good judgment and often know what's best.
But sometimes life.... and the world... and others.... just don't follow what I think. There are of course many options on how to proceed. At this stage of my busy life, the most pain free and pleasant.... is to just let go.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by p.s

So maybe here is another perspective. I will comment on a few of your comments, just to maybe put another light on things, to try to point out some things.
I do not mean to be rude. I think what you "do" for your IL's should be a given. This is what I have been taught to do for every guest. And more. Open any book on hospitality, and you can read the same. I do not put out linens; I make up the bed as nice as possible. And I would agree with a PP, that getting down to an air mattress can be very difficult for anyone (depending on health conditions), and over the age of 50 in general.
Of course it is your home, your finances.. so your choice to not buy another alternative. But then I would understand why someone wouldn't want to visit.
When people come to visit us, we pay for all food. None of 50-50. I think that the guests have already spent time and money to come visit us... so we "pay" for the visit. In general we do not do pizza. I think visits are special, so there is at least one nice dinner out. Then all dinners at home are nice. We eat meat, but if we didn't, I would still buy meat for my guests if they ate it. We can go meatless all the other times they are not visiting.
I too think it is too much to expect IL's to be fair.
For the record, my IL's vastly, hugely, abundantly favor SIL's kids over mine. Even when IL's visit, all they do is talk about SIL's kids, or DH's sibs. They spend (what it seems like) all their disposable income on SIL's kids.
This was very hard for me to swallow for the first 2.5 y of ds1's life. But I eventually realized that I can't control them. And I have no right to try. I also now realize I have no right to expect fairness. And since I let this go, a lot of bitter has left me. Whether you are bitter or not, I do not know. But it sounds like you are from reading your posts. And if someone is even a little bitter, it can be almost impossible to avoid showing it.

Again, it sounds like they want meat. I would then just buy it. If I truly cannot fix it, then I would fork over the money to buy excellent prepared meat dishes... which are available in any gourmet grocers in a city. And yes I am just as busy, and probably busier than the vast majority of other mothers.... but if I want someone to visit, then I think this is one of the things reasonable to do.
Also, when we take others out to eat, I plan to pay. I also remind DH before we sit down to grab the check. My only goals are to: 1. make pleasant conversation; 2. let guest choose the entrees (as in if it's shared, obviously if it's individual); 3. get the check before the guest. I remind DH if it looks like he is moving too slow to intercept. I also have two constantly moving little ds's, so things can be busy. But intercepting a check is easier than arguing over who pays.
I think "surprising comments" are okay... They give me clues on how I can change, to make the situation next better. And they give me clues to decipher the person speaking.
If your IL's really like to grill, you can get a Weber grill for $20-50 dollars. Probably really cheap from Craigslist or a thrift store.


How about not focusing at all. How about not focusing on them not being a part of your life and not not focusing. As in, just let it be.

This sounds like active intentional behavior on your part. What I am proposing is to step back and have no active intent. And to have no control. And to let go of "have."
In my situation, when I let go.... it was incredibly freeing. I like to have things in control. Under control. I think I have good judgment and often know what's best.
But sometimes life.... and the world... and others.... just don't follow what I think. There are of course many options on how to proceed. At this stage of my busy life, the most pain free and pleasant.... is to just let go.

I know that it's hard to convey in a post, or two, or three what is happening here.

I do thank you for your comments.

As for meals, meat, nice meals out - well, my inlaws simply do not visit for a long enough time to really do any of that. They live approximately 3 hours away from us. A three hour drive, not flight. Anyway, they often come for about 4 hours. Total. Once or twice or maybe three times a year. Four hours.

So, there really isn't time to do anything other than a meal, if we were to do one.

Sometimes my inlaws have booked a hotel for a night or stayed over night (just one of them, MIL). In that case, they arrive in the afternoon and they leave first thing the next morning (6 am or 7 am). We've tried for years - even before we had DS - to stay until Sunday afternoon. Nope. They always have things to do at home - like mow the grass or something.

FIL is an alcoholic. He gets antsy being away from home with his drinking supply, I guess, and he usually never says a word while he visits and he paces around the house, looking out the windows. He usually doesn't even take off his coat. I've tried with him...for years. He's only going to loosen up if he's drinking.

MIL is a bit better and more flexible but she can't stay long without her husband because he has and will fall off the wagon, sometimes to the point of having to call an ambulance and go in to detox at the hospital.

We did have a queen size guest bed for years. Their visiting pattern was no different then. When we moved and got rid of the extra bed (no space any longer) I didn't feel like replacing it with a futon or pull-out couch because they just wouldn't be swayed in how they visit us, and no one else really ever visits us who has complained about the air mattress.

MIL and FIL, ironically, do not and have never had a guest bedroom. When we have stayed at their house, they have a pull-out couch and an air mattress.

Also, my parents are very, very poor. And so we pay for everything for them. I do not have a problem with paying. I'm used to it. But MIL and FIL are well off, for the most part (retired with two pensions, lots in savings, a paid off home, their health, and very good health insurance). MIL and FIL get very weird if we pay for something - almost put off - and they get very weird if we don't pay for something - almost put off. Everything is off either way. By contrast, FIL and MIL are very generous with BIL2 and his family/children and they pay for pretty much everything when they fly out to visit them. In that case, FIL can't go anywhere or return home until his plane ticket says he can so he knows he has to just relax and spend the time there, plus BIL and SIL have a cooler of beer waiting for him and mixed drinks for MIL and FIL, which always puts them at ease.

Honestly, the best investment I could make in the relationship with my inlaws would be to buy a cooler of beer and have it waiting for FIL when he arrives. I guarantee he'd enjoy it, be relaxed, and be less tense. But then he'd get sloppy drunk as he almost always does, emotionally burden DH as he often does, put DH in uncomfortable situations that DH does not like and wants to avoid at all costs, and not be very good as a grandfather if he's drunk.

It's a tough situation, made more complicated by alcoholism.

[mamazee]

I bet this is entirely the alcoholism. My dad has been inside my house maybe 2 times since we've lived here, which has been a few years, and it's been the same no matter where we've lived. Why? Because we don't have alcohol here, and he will not relax or settle in anywhere alcohol isn't. This isn't about you or your family. That means on the good side you don't have to feel bad thinking you've caused it, but on the bad side it's unlikely you can change it. You know that saying (I think it might actually be an AA saying) about having the serenity to accept what you can't change, the strength to change what you can, and the wisdom to know the difference? I think you should apply that here.

[lucky_mia]

Your FIL smokes and drinks and you don't allow either in your house (your right) but understand that these are both physical addictions and so don't be surprised if he is physically uncomfortable in a situation where he can't do either of these things. It is a disease and without it, you do suffer withdrawal symptoms.

I'm a bit surprised that you are so surprised that people (even grandparents) don't want to visit when they are going to be physically uncomfortable, asked to eat outside of their comfort zone, sleep on a air mattress and have not have anywhere comfortable to sit. People have different levels for tolerance for physical discomfort. We always joke that my FIL has button like a turkey that pops up when he done. He don't stay at any event for more than a few hours. Older people tend to be set in their ways.

[confustication]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

Yes! He should move his crap out, not necessarily to the basement. He should have done that years ago. It's a major point of contention. I would love to make that space into an office, a playroom, or a guest bedroom. Something for the family, not just DH.

DH will never give up his self-proclaimed "man cave." Where would he play x-box? Keep all his dvds and cds and other things? He loves to collect and hang out and, frankly, while I'd love the space, I need a place to send DH so that he's not playing x-box and watching tv in the family space unless it's a family oriented show.

Is there a reason you can't do this for him. No he won't do it himself, but it's very possible (and might actually be comfortable for your husband based on what you have said about him) to create a relatively finished 'man cave' in an unfiinished basement. Then the spare room can be a playroom/den/guestroom- much more conducive to family stuff and much more comfortable for visitors.

[Peppermint Leaf]

I guess I am going to be the bad guy here....

Why are you keeping score?
You have listed all the things you do for them -- and what you feel you are "entitled to" in return.

You are not entitled to anything.

Continue making them feel welcome -- and leave it up to them as to how often they visit and what they spend on your kids... and how often they visit the other relatives..... Please - for your own sanity -- Let this go!! Its unhealthy to be constantly thinking about what you and your child are entitled to! Life isnt fair -- dont expect it to be!

You cant control how they feel or what they do or how they spend their money.

If you have no expectations whatsoever - you will be much happier... and delightfully surprised when they do something nice and unexpected.

Stop looking for Fairness and Equality -- its just not going to happen-

okay I will go hide under my chair

[Dr.Worm]

That Is Nice, what it all comes down to for me is that these people are selfish. They care more about material things and alcohol than spending time with their grandchild. I think your dh really needs to sit down with them and talk about this. I just hope they get it before their grandson grows up without knowing them.

[zeldamomma]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

But MIL and FIL are well off, for the most part (retired with two pensions, lots in savings, a paid off home, their health, and very good health insurance).
<snip>
By contrast, FIL and MIL are very generous with BIL2 and his family/children and they pay for pretty much everything when they fly out to visit them.

How can you know these things? Why do you know them? You aren't there when they visit BIL2, right? If you're basing this on what your ILs have told you, based on what you've shared about them, it wouldn't surprise me if they were stretching the truth a bit.

With all due respect, you seem to have some boundary issues here-- you are way way WAY too involved in supervising and judging your ILs behavior, and are trying to control things that are outside your control. It's not your job to monitor your ILs and make sure they treat their grandkids fairly, it's none of your business how they spend their time and money, and they are not required to give you money or time because you need/want it.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Dr.Worm

That Is Nice, what it all comes down to for me is that these people are selfish. They care more about material things and alcohol than spending time with their grandchild. I think your dh really needs to sit down with them and talk about this. I just hope they get it before their grandson grows up without knowing them.

Me, too.

Thanks.

To others - to answer questions - again:

I don't feel entitled. I don't want them to treat me the same or better than or worse than they treat my SIL, or BIL, or DH. I don't need anything from them. I feel they need to treat my son as though he is meaningful and deserving of their attention, the same as they look at their other grandchildren. He is just as worthy and deserving when it comes to buying shoes, choosing and paying for generally equal gifts, and including him in their plans. I'm looking for them to have a range of fairness. Not tit for tat. Not exact. But within the same range. It should not continue down this path of extremes.

I'm not keeping score. I want things to be generally more even. No so skewed. I mean 4 weeks versus 1 to 2 days is pretty skewed, year after year.

And I do know what is going on - not exaggerated - because MIL and FIL tell me, and because I see how much they visit "...our travel plans are these dates..." and what they do for Christmases, birthdays, and such. It's quite pronounced. Very little on this end (and almost always just one grandparent for a few hours) and quite a lot on the other end (and always two grandparents together for a long period of time).

The longest either MIL or FIL has spent with us is two days and not even two full days, and that was immediately following the birth of DS and my c-section. MIL said she was going to stay a week, but had to rush home suddenly, likely because of FIL, but I can't be sure. That's the longest they've ever stayed here. Ever. And part of the reason she could not stay longer was that they had a week long visit booked with airline tickets to see their other grandchild within two weeks of DS's due date. I mean, MIL said she would help after the birth (she said this to us) and we made plans based on that, but she very well could have been on a plane when DS was being born to go visit the other grandchild. She booked a plane ticket within two weeks of DS's due date. He did come early, and she did come for two days, but it was much less than she promised and she was not able to come back after FIL started drinking because they had a week long visit booked to see the other grandchildren.

They spent more time visiting their other grandchild (a week, together) even the very month that DS was born (MIL visited for two days). And that pattern has never changed.

[D_McG]

I thought you were going to let this go? You are not in a healthy place right now. I really hope you can get some help.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by D_McG

I thought you were going to let this go? You are not in a healthy place right now. I really hope you can get some help.

Letting it go with them, for now.

That doesn't mean not asnswering false assumptions on a thread where I was seeking some input from others.

I am in a healthy place. I don't know if one can assume or read things from a simple thread. Life is fuller than that.

...letting it go with them, my inlaws...for a few months until the end of the year. The goal is still to get them involved to a higher extent than they are now...to get them to stop being so extreme in their differences.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by D_McG

I thought you were going to let this go? You are not in a healthy place right now. I really hope you can get some help.

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

Letting it go with them, for now.

That doesn't mean not asnswering false assumptions on a thread where I was seeking some input from others.

I am in a healthy place. I don't know if one can assume or read things from a simple thread. Life is fuller than that.

...letting it go with them, my inlaws...for a few months until the end of the year. The goal is still to get them involved to a higher extent than they are now...to get them to stop being so extreme in their differences.

Further, I think some people are analytical in their debate about things in life. Others are more finite. I like to mull things over, get input, make pro / con lists, analyze and think things over before I do any action.

Different people have different approaches.

I treat this forum as one of many venues...I would talk things over with my friends in real life this same way, and probably over months and months, drawing examples from how their inlaws act, how they act with their inlaws, and gaining insight. Same with therapy. Little chunks at a time in windows of time.

Maybe that is why therapy is often referred to as analysis.

It does not mean I'm not letting it go with them, my inlaws.

[fullofgrace]

I think the time for analyzing is over and the time to put changes into practice is here. There is no more analyzing to be done. You figured this out already up thread. I said I was going to remind you, so here goes ---

Originally Posted by fullofgrace

YES!!! And you know what? I bet it has already been enough for your DS. Kids always dwell on the happy stuff and will always seek that out. EVERYONE's life is about attitude and what we choose to focus on. You've been putting yours into the wrong place, and you've been emotionally suffering for it. I'm so proud of you for realizing it ("Things are much easier") and giving yourself a NEW mantra ("I should count my blessings")!!

Now for the tough love part. You HAVE to put that into practice. Give yourself permission to do what we've been telling you: Stop focusing your time and energy on trying to change other people. Put it where it rightfully belongs -- in yourself, your DS and the people you can have healthy relationships with day-to-day. Do that every day, and every day you will fill up with a bit more joy. Do that every day, and every day your newly focused joy will trickle down to your DS. (ETA: Check my siggy if you want to know how I know this. )

Once a day, stop and tell yourself: "I am blessed. I have good friends. I have my DS. My DS has good teachers. My DS has good friends. I am allowed to focus on those things. And I should focus on those things so I can strengthen them and make my life a little better every day." And if it is a bad day, say it again. And again.

It is just one simple thing to do every day. You can do it!!! And we'll be here to remind you to tell yourself what you've realized here every time you think you can't. I know I will. I'll even C&P that part I just said into a reply if I have to.

You are still sticking to looking and thinking about this negativity over and over again. This is really unhealthy and it's solving nothing. Analyze why you keep doing that. The next time you get the urge to focus on this again, or analyze this again, stop. There's really nothing good about 'mulling this over' - mull over making a list of the good stuff and read those over and over again.

The goal is still to get them involved to a higher extent than they are now...to get them to stop being so extreme in their differences.

This isn't letting it go. You haven't let it go. You are still focusing on a goal you will never have any control over - to get someone other than youself to do something. This still isn't healthy.

More tough love -- We all want things to be fair/even in life. Of course we do. And you're right. The way your inlaws treat your family isn't fair/equal to how they treat other family members. And that sucks. My ILs are different from my family to BIL's family too. Unfortunately, at the end of any evaluation of either of our IL's behavior and its motivations, the very simple, old addage is true: Life isn't fair.

You need a new goal. You'll be happier for it.

[fullofgrace]

OP ~ You mentioned therapy a few times now. Do you have a local resource for therapy? Finding a professional to talk out and analyze the question of "I keep perseverating on other people and the things I cannot change. Why do I keep doing that? How do I move forward?" is a really important one. The only real way we on the internet can help you with your hyperfocus on your inlaws is to maybe help you make a list of who in your offline world can talk though this with you to help you accept that your inlaws are who they are.

Actually, that would be a great and very healthy pro/con list to make!!



ETA: The alcoholism piece is huge, too.

Just FIL is the alcoholic. MIL just likes to kick back with mixed drinks or a beer now and then. She's not an alcoholic.

Alcoholism isn't just about how much or how often someone drinks. It's about someone needing to drink. MIL is unable and unwilling to give up her alcohol to help FIL give up his alcohol. She may not be falling down drunk, but I think she's an alcoholic in her own right.

I think finding and attending a support group for families of alcoholics could be a huge first step! They have been there done that and are likely the best suited to ferret out the validation you seek. You could really delve into family dynamics and analyze the reasons for behavior every week, face-to-face, for as many months as you need.

[cycle]

I've seen your other post(s) about your in-laws issues and something that really stands out to me and seems very strange, is that nothing about your FIL's drinking was mentioned for pages and pages of posts on the other threads. So many people were disagreeing with you and giving you advice you didn't want to hear and then all the sudden you threw in the "my FIL likes to drink", and now all of the sudden "my FIL is an alcoholic". Is seems very strange to me as if it is just another thing you are using as an excuse for their behavior because you cannot accept that it just may be a preference. They may prefer the company of you BIL and SIL and be more comfortable in their home, absent of alcohol or all of the "stuff". You said that even when you had a queen sized be they still didn't stay and they didn't stay or visit more when you were a sahm. I think you just cannot let go of it and you have to have a reason; alcohol, smoking, pool, because it could never be that they are just prefer being with your BIL and SIL.

[Chamsia]

just accept it

It's hard, but one lesson I am constantly trying to embrace in life is to

meet people where they are.

Your in-laws prefer their other kids/grandkids. That is painful, but it doesn't sound like you have any way to change it.

My husband's brother lives less than an hour for us and just doesn't care about our kids. When he calls he doesn't ask about them. We have an 11 week old baby he hasn't bothered to meet even though he is unemployed now and has tons of time. He drives hours to go to expensive sporting events, but makes no effort to meet our new baby (or inquire about the older child) despite invite after invite. He will meet the baby when we all finally get together at the grandparents house (10 minutes from him), whether it's weeks or months or years from now.

We can't change people, or how they feel. Meet them where they are. Accept the time and attention they do give your family, and try not to be bitter.

Would you be unsatisfied with these relationships if DH was their only child, and your kids their only grandchildren?

It's easy advice for me to write, and hard for me or you or anyone to follow. But we need to accept people how they are, and go from there.

They do visit, they do care for your family. It is very sad that they seem to prefer others, but there really is nothing you can do about it.

I'm sorry. Best wishes to you!

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Chamsia

Would you be unsatisfied with these relationships if DH was their only child, and your kids their only grandchildren?


They do visit, they do care for your family. It is very sad that they seem to prefer others, but there really is nothing you can do about it.

I'm sorry. Best wishes to you!

Thanks. To answer your questions.

Yes, I would be unsatisfied with these relationships even if DH were their only child.

No, they don't visit. FIL and MIL almost never come together, and MIL can't stay for long if FIL isn't with her because he won't stay sober, most of the time, unless she is with him. I think they probably do care about DS and DH. Sometimes I wonder, though.