What can I do? Visitation this weekend?

[Phoenix~Mama]

I am so freakin tired of fighting with this "man".

So since I didn't back down from him today over the circ issue and I hung up on him when he started becoming beligerent... he now has to punish me of course. *sighs*

I called him tonight to find out the plan for Saturday, as he has to work tomorrow night now, so isn't taking DD tomorrow. He had not given me any indication of times. He wasn't going to take DD overnight, as his Mom and Stepdad are at it again and things got physical between them this week. So I was also trying to find out what time he was planning on being around til, as I already had plans with my sister to go out that night. It's been planned for awhile as it's the last time we can go out together before she moves to CA in the next week or so.

Anyway, I call and he immediately is being UAV-like demanding why I'm calling him. I asked what the plan was for Saturday.

He told me just have DD ready by noon. I asked and then what? He said none of my business, to just have her ready by noon. So I asked what time he'd be bringing her home. He repeated again to have her ready by noon. I said I need to know what time he was bringing her home. He then hung up on me.

So I texted him that I need to know what time he was bringing DD home on Saturday. No answer.

So then he calls like 20 minutes later and I let it go to voicemail... yeah... now he's saying "I don't know what time I'm bringing her back, you better pack an overnight bag just in case. And by the way, you better have receipts ready because I'm not paying you a cent more than what I owe you. Until I have receipts for everything you're not getting a penny from me. You want to be difficult, I can be difficult right back."

:cry Seriously, I'm at my breaking point here. We won't get into court until around Christmas time. I can't keep going through this crap every week.

Do I have to send DD with him when he is being like this?? He wasn't supposed to have her overnight this weekend, as his Stepdad beat up his Mom and he didn't want the kids there during this chaos.

I'm just trying to do what's right by my kids. *sighs*

[Super~Single~Mama]

You need a set visitation plan. He either shows or not, if he doesn't show he doesn't get dd that weekend. You shouldn't be negotiating visitation EOW at this point - it should just be set.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Originally Posted by thyra

You need a set visitation plan. He either shows or not, if he doesn't show he doesn't get dd that weekend. You shouldn't be negotiating visitation EOW at this point - it should just be set.

Tell that to PA court system. Trust me I'd love something set in stone right now. I'm going off of the tentative parenting agreement I've given him a copy of that will be going into the divorce papers.

The problem here is that courts are way over booked, and until you get in, nothing is legally set in stone. They expect parents to be able to work it out and look out for the best interest of the child.

Well, when you are dealing with a UAV, God I want to say more names than that... anyway... obviously the whole communication thing doesn't always go smoothly. And it's no one's problem but mine.

I'm frustrated and at the end of my sanity here. A set in stone visitation plan is months away. I freakin hate where I live.

[Ione]

And, you can have it included in the visitation plan that being late by more than X amount of time (30 mins.) = no show. And that a no-show = giving up rights to the entire weekend.

In the mean time, there's not much you can do other than hide the fact that he's pushing your buttons. He's looking for the response. He's trying to push your buttons.

Don't let him see when he succeeds at that. Make plans with contingencies for if/when he doesn't follow through. (Back up babysitter, etc.).

Do NOT ever call him to ask about his plans. He wants to see his DD, he calls you. He doesn't give you fair notice, he works around your plans. You do not rearrange things. "Oh, sorry, when I didn't hear from you I assumed you weren't able to see DD. I've made plans. You can [insert whatever fits into your plans, such as pick up DD from you wherever you planned to be at whatever time works for you]. Or we can reschedule for next weekend. Let me know by X day."

Ask your lawyer about how often and when exactly you can just say 'No' to his visits when he's being a UAV until you guys have a court order.

Also, if he wants a reaction and to mess with you and wants to make things suck for you (which he does), if and when you can, when he gets like that, make it look like what you'd prefer is what will inconvenience you the most (without going overboard), then that's probably what he'll try to pull.

As for money, he's never going to pay a cent more than he is legally required to, and even then, for anything that could possibly have a receipt, he'll demand it. Nothing you can do, other than keep all receipts and not let him know his attitude bugs you.

[MissLotus]

He said none of my business, to just have her ready by noon.

None of your business? I beg to differ with him. When your child will leave and be back home with you is entirely your business. I have been dealing with an unreasonable ex for years, so I know the type. But I would have to tell your ex that you cannot have her ready by noon without having an agreed-upon plan, and furthermore, that without X amount hours of notice, you will have already made a plan for yourself and her. That you want and are willing to facilitate a relationship between the two, and have documented the number of times you have requested that he see her (isn't he the one that thought gas was too expensive to come see his kid? ), but for the sake of consistency and stability, you cannot do impromptu visits wherein you don't even know when your child will return.

And you can put this in a letter and send it via registered mail. This way he knows you will have proof to the court that you HAVE attempted to facilitate visits, but simply want reasonable boundaries. And... were you married and awaiting divorce... or are you just waiting for a court date to iron out the parenting plan? I ask because in most states the mother is assumed to have custody if you were unmarried... so if you're unmarried, then he really doesn't have any right to take off with her, legally. Of course I hope you have a lawyer. Even better if a lawyer can send the above letter to him, to let him know you mean business. Be just as nice as pie so he won't know how much he's getting under your skin.

[DeerMother]

I 100% agree with pp. Write out what you want the schedule to be and give him a copy. Also, with everything going on over there, maybe skip this weekend? Sorry, mama, I know this sucks.

[homewithtwinsmama]

Originally Posted by DeerMother

I 100% agree with pp. Write out what you want the schedule to be and give him a copy. Also, with everything going on over there, maybe skip this weekend? Sorry, mama, I know this sucks.

I say call CPS and tell them about the domestic violence going on in his home and let them know you are worried about your kids going there and see if they can help by doing a visit and getting involved. Can only help your case if they find out he does not provide a safe environment for them to visit. And I would keep them this weekend.

[Theia]

((hugs)) I'm so sorry. I know this is so much to deal with on top of everything else. I agree with what's already been said. I want to emphasize that going forward, you don't contact him to see "when he'll set up his next visitation". Because you were "asking", it put him in a place to think he could be a UAV and so he did. It's part of the sick power tripping mind games. I agree, I'd write out a schedule, hand it to him and say that this is not negotiable, you will negotiate when you are in court.

Maybe that's not helpful, IDK. I just see him as trying to wear you down by making e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. a fight. It's the only abuse tactic he really has left now.

[Phoenix~Mama]

I'm hesitant to call CPS because what if they want to come see my living environment? It's a slighly organized, looks like chaotic mess right now.

I had to move into my parents house and my Dad is in the middle of renovating the one bedroom. Until that bedroom is complete, most of my things are stacked in this HUGE pile in the corner of the living room. I could see CPS's eyes popping out of their heads with the insane clutter. Which will get better once it has a bedroom to go in! But right now most of my things are in that pile, as well as things that have been purchased for new baby, and birth supplies.

The bedroom DD and I are sharing at the moment is very cramped too as there are some boxes stacked there as well.

Not to mention if they investigate the people we live with... um, my Dad is on probation, fresh out of jail since June from his 3rd DUI. He has already graduated off of his initial probation officer and is considered stable and not at risk of anything. He had no problems in jail and got out on time, which is almost unheard of as he is on state probation and they tend to be a lot stricter. Most of the other guys he was in with that had state stayed in 3-6 months longer than their sentence.

I don't know what that would say about my own living environment? Considering STBX's Mom refuses to ever press charges against her husband, so there is no documentation of the DV stuff going on there...

[MariesMama]

I really have no constructive input about your living situation vs. his, especially if his mom won't document the abuse.

I do have experience with calling/contacting the other party regarding visitation - it's not your job. People (ex-partners, other parents) who are "really busy" and "really want visitation" often "lose track of time" and forget about their kids. If your ex hasn't contacted you about visitation, assume it's going to happen and then document when it doesn't. Yes, it sucks when you have plans and he's screwing them up, but his actions now will set a precedent for when you go to court.

Believe me, it's happened more often than not in history that those visitations or contacts taper off FAST when the CP isn't reminding the NCP of them. Document his efforts for visitation and contact, and stop asking him about the visits.

I know that situations come up where you'd like to rely on him to care for your DD. Personally, I used to set up a babysitter for such times, with the understanding that I might have to cancel. Best of luck to you!

[Phoenix~Mama]

Talked to my lawyer. She is awesome. She reassured me that since we don't have a court order yet, I am within full legal right to not send my DD this weekend if he is being beligerent and not giving me a return time.

She told me to offer him another chance of you can take her at x time till y, but you may not take her to your home, as the recent violence there is not safe for DD to be around.

She said if he does not make me feel secure that he is looking out for DD's best interest, document everything and I am within full right to tell him that I do not feel he is being a protective Father right now and DD will not be going with him.

She also expects him to get beligerent, as his record shows. And she said to tell him, well you can take it up in court. She said she is not afraid to take this UAV to court what so ever because he has been quite busy digging his hole.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

I was gonna ask if you'll be saving any and all voice mails and text messages PROVING his UAVness? Your a smart cookie though, I doubt it was even a question.

[DeerMother]

Great news! Hopefully you can still see your sister.

[Theia]

Yay for awesome lawyers! I'm glad you can exercise your discretion when stbx gets into UAV mode. I hope you still get time to see your sister too. Don't let stbx pulling crap keep you from that.

[2happymamas]

Originally Posted by homewithtwinsmama

I say call CPS and tell them about the domestic violence going on in his home and let them know you are worried about your kids going there and see if they can help by doing a visit and getting involved. Can only help your case if they find out he does not provide a safe environment for them to visit. And I would keep them this weekend.

I would not recommend doing this! I have worked in child welfare for almost 5 years and can tell you that, in my experience, this is a bad idea. Given the violence, you can have neglect substantiated for sending her to an environment in which you know has been violent.