2.5 y/o escalates discipline - how to stop/prevent?

[operamommy]

Hi all! My 2.5 y/o ds has me stumped and I'm hoping you all can give me some suggestions. He is a very sweet little guy, but *very* strong willed and has a temper. Lately any time I have to correct or discipline him he just escalates it and I don't know what to do.

Example - the other day he dumped a big bowl of dirty acorns on my bedspread and was jumping on the bed. I asked him to stop and told him we needed to clean the acorns up as they were messy. Once I started picking them up he started jumping harder and snatching them and throwing them. When I told him more firmly to stop he continued, and finally I just picked him up to remove him from the bedroom. When I picked him up, he started scratching and hitting me.

This has been happening multiple times a day. Any time I have to tell him "no" or to stop he immediately does something even worse. He's very defiant in a way that none of my 3 older kiddos have been. Any suggestions? I've been losing my patience a lot lately and I don't like it. Thanks.

[woodchick]

Maybe remove him from the situation immediately, instead of waiting for things to escalate? So in your example, say "These acorns are messy. I need a still bed and time to clean them up." {swoop up DS and deposit him outside the bedroom door} Even better if you can plop him down by something interesting to do to take his mind off the acorns. Then you can clean them up without him throwing them.

Also, maybe start practising saying yes instead of no. So instead of "no, don't stick your fingers through that priceless DaVinci painting!" you could say "Hey DS! Here are some crayons and paper. Can you draw a cat?" or instead of "DON'T TOUCH!" you could say "Hands on your head! Now your knees! Now your elbows".

I've found my (very spirited) 4yo has responded better to statements that tell her what to do instead of what not to do. (wish it worked ALL the time, though! )

[ssh]

Woodchick has some very good suggestions. Also 2.5 is a very difficult age for a lot of LOs. They don't have any impulse control yet and are often very easily overwhelmed by their emotions. With their lack of higher reasoning skills actual defiance is not something they can do yet. They do tend to do what you ask them not to do because they focus on the action word instead of the "don't" or "stop" part. You say "Don't Jump! and they hear the word "jump" and think "oh wow Jump!! What a good idea.". That's why telling a toddler or preschooler what to do works so much better.

My younger DD is more intense too. It's a completely different experience, but we're having fun as a family.

[operamommy]

Thanks for the good advice and reminders, mamas. I sometimes get so frustrated that I automatically jump to "stop!" instead of using the positive phrasing and showing him what he *can* do instead.

[woodchick]

It is so easy to remember when it is someone else's kid I need reminders myself frequently!

[kittykat2481]

Having a 2.5 year old myself, I FEEL YOUR PAIN! In that situation, rather than removing DS, I would have removed the acorns. I would say, "If we can't take care of the acorns, then Mommy will have to take them away" and put them up. When he finished crying, I would talk to him, asking him if he was ready to do xyz. If he said he was ready to play with the acorns gently (or whatever) then he could have them back.

It's logical consequences. If the broom is the problem, then I remove the broom. I only remove him from a situation if the situation is the problem. For example, if he's climbing on the furniture in a restaurant. While standing on the couch may be ok at home, standing on the table at a restaurant is not ok, so I remove him from the table so to speak, and outside. When he verbalizes that he's ready to act appropriately, we return. If he can't agree to that, then we don't return.