3 yr old with self doubt already..What to do?!

[Gator-mom]

Ds is 3 and a half and he's really sharp for his age. He's been picking up his letters, sounds and numbers really easily. Just for fun, I got him a preschool book to work on over the summer before he actually starts preschool. Today he was working on tracing the letters 'b' and 'c'. After he traced the letter 'c' he threw the book down and said something about how he couldn't do it right.

Last week he also had a little expression of 'not being good enough' He was playing with his step cousin earlier in the night and when I was putting him to bed, he started crying and told me he's not good at stuff. When I asked him what he was talking about, he said 'like building, i'm not very good at building'. I had been wondering if his cousin had said something to him (she's 8) and he took it to heart. But after today, that one was all on his own..no one had said anything to him. Dh and I are always really complimentary to him and tell him what a great job he does, even if he's still in the learning process. I told him today that his letters looked really good, and that he's still learning, so it will take practice to get it just right in the lines. He got really pouty and ran inside and wouldn't talk to me.

I'm beside myself! I have no idea what to do! I feel like I tell him how great he is all the time, but I can't make him believe that! Has anyone else seen this in kids this young? What can I do to help him see how great he is?

[spmamma]

DD sometimes acts like this. She used to tell me, "I can't do it right," when it came to coloring. Then she'd refuse to color anything. She's finally started coloring more, and I suspect that her frustration is about not having the coordination/motor skills to do it the way she thinks it should be done. Perhaps your DS is like my DD and has a little bit of a perfectionist in him?

At this point, I simply try to encourage her and if she starts to get frustrated I drop it. Then we try to revisit whatever it is a few days/weeks later.

[LynnS6]

Part of this is developmental -- the gap between what they envision and what they can do is pretty big, and it can frustrate some kids. Part of it is probably personality. Our ds was like that, our dd much less so.

One thing that might help is being very specific about praise. So instead of saying 'great job', say "wow, you climbed all the way to the top!" It also helps kids feel noticed.

I also point out to my perfectionist how his abilities have changed over time. "Remember how this used to be hard for you? And now you can do that without thinking. You've learned a lot."

[Gator-mom]

Thanks for the advice

I am sure he is a bit of a perfectionist..and it's not really a surprise as both his dad and I are a little the same. We are probably not helping by demonstrating our own insecurities with ourselves...we are both in school and we both expect ourselves to get straight A's all the time...

I will try to be more specific in my praise. I remember talking about that in my LLL group when he was a baby, and I do that some of the time, but probably not enough! I also like the idea of comparing how he used to be. I does like to talk about how he used to be a baby and couldn't talk and now he's a big boy and do all kinds of things.

[lilmom]

Just chiming in to say, my DS is the exact same way, just in the past couple of weeks. He is very, very bright and i kind of think that up until this point, most things he wanted to have come so easily. Now if something does not come to him very easily, he says "I'm not very good at that". Which is heartbreaking to me because I feel like we have really tried to give him great self-esteem.

I am going to work on being more specific in my praise too, thx pp! I already do tell him about things he can do now that he didn't used to be able to.

[Tjej]

I'd also watch what you are praising - if YOU can see that the "c" isn't straight, so can your son. Praise the effort - the practicing, the trying.

Tjej

[Minxie]

My son used to do that so I started answering, "Well, that's why we practice!" He needed the...freedom (security?) of knowing that it was okay if it wasn't perfect the first time.

Yesterday he tried riding his bike for the first time without training wheels (he's 4.5) and had a couple of crashes. It looked like he was going to give up so I gently reminded him that he was learning and needed a bit more practice so let's get going!

[abigail_b]

Personally, I think he is too young to start trying to trace letters. You could be in danger of squashing his natural artistic interests by having him try something with such tight and specific parameters. Also, to echo the PP talking about praise, you may want to read this article by Alfie Kohn: http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm It is very hard, but has made a big difference with my son in regards to self criticism-we really try never to praise the result (ball caught, picture drawn etc.) but the process instead.

All that said, I definitely think some of it is normal and unavoidable for the age.

[Pandme]

If this is the sign of a perfectionist, my son is a BIG one.

I'm so glad we're not alone. My 3.5 year old asked me to teach him to read. I have NO idea how to do this correctly. He wants to know how now, not take the time to sound stuff out. If it starts frustrating him, he's all "I can't do it, YOU do it."