|I've been a mom and nothing else my entire adult life and I think I'm really having a lot of trouble dealing with the feelings that I'm middle aged and have nothing (not even a good test) to show for the effort.
DB, this is me, too. I know, I know, I have 6 beautiful children and a loving husband and
. I'm not dismissing the value of my children or husband. They're incredibly important, obviously. But having them in my life doesn't take away the feeling that I have done NOTHING with my life. I haven't accomplished any of the goals I set for myself and I think that is what makes me feel fairly worthless. I know that being a mom is an important job ~ I do ~ but I always wanted to be more than just a mother (no offense intended by that statement), so I feel I've failed.
Sure, I'm a mom. But am I a good one? I don't really think so. To be honest, I yell too much and criticize too much. I'm not nearly as patient as I need to be....not nearly as understanding as they deserve. I WANT to be so much better for my kids, and some days I DO succeed at being the type of mom I want to be. But more often than not, I don't. And then, on those days when I'm having a particularly difficult time, I wonder........when they're all grown and gone, are they going to LIKE me? I mean it ~ my mom and I have zero relationship because even though I love her, I don't like her at all. What if I give up 30+ years of my life for these children and when all is said and done, they don't want to have anything to do with me?
And since we're all being *totally* honest, I'll confess something else....I don't really like being a SAHM. But I don't really want to go work full-time, either. Not because I wouldn't like to have a job, because the thought of doing something I enjoy AND getting paid to do it is appealing. No, the reason I don't go get a job (aside from the fact that I have no marketable job skills now) is because I believe my being a SAHM is the best thing for my kids and because I don't trust anyone else to do it. I also believe that God blessed me with 6 children for a reason and one day I am going to have to give an accounting for how I lived my life ~ and how I raised the children given to me ~ and I don't want to be ashamed by having to say that I cared more about myself and what I wanted than I did them. So.....I stay at home and I raise my children.....and I AM able to find enjoyment in my job most days, but I also struggle against my extremely selfish nature that says, "What about me? When do I get my turn?" I can't look toward the future, when I am 52 and my youngest is 18, as the time when I'll be "free" to pursue my own interests, either. I have 2 special-needs children and I may still have one living at home when the youngest leaves. There's no way for me to predict whether my son will be able to live independently, so I can't plan for a future where my time is my own.
Like so many others have said already, I, too, have interests and talents and skills that aren't being used. I sometimes wonder why God gave me the talent and ability to DO something if I wasn't ever going to use it, kwim? It just creates frustration and resentment within me to WANT to do something and to know I can't......and to not see a time where I ever will. Sigh.......when I look back on my life thus far, I see many forks in the road ~ places where I had to make a choice and go forward in one direction and not the other. I made my choices, thinking I was doing the right things, but now I don't know anymore. I realize I have to live with the choices I've made, but I also wonder if I'd be happier NOW had I made different choices back THEN, kwim?
Anyhow, I'll shut up now. I don't even know if I stayed on-topic enough to post this, but I'm going to click "submit", anyhow. Thanks for putting up with me!