suspicious weirdness *update* not that weird anymore

[doubledutch]

what should i do?

we've been living apart since july 2. stbx has the kids a lot, compared to what seems to be typical, 2 or 3 days a week, at his request. that has been fine with me. i'm not trying to keep them from him, and i'm still getting my time with them.

he doesn't drive. when he takes them somewhere, they take the bus, or occasionally will go somewhere with mil. she has car seats.

he will have them overnight tonight, and i'll pick them up tomorrow afternoon. yesterday he texted me saying he needs the car seats. i said, "for what?" he texted back, "get-together." i texted, "where? when? who's driving?" i realize that normally he can bring them wherever he wants, and i'm not a control freak about what they do when they're with him. however it was just weird to me that he wanted the car seats - i wanted to know who was going to be driving my kids around (since it wasn't going to be their dad or mil) and how far they were going.

he says it's at his best friend's house, tomorrow and that this friend offered to pick them all up, and that i can pick up the boys from there. i asked what time they will be ready to be picked up, and he didn't respond. it just feels weird to me. i left a message for this best friend last night, saying i was just checking on what time he thought they'd be done hanging out saturday, because stbx said i should pick the kids up from his house in the afternoon but didn't say what time, and i was trying to plan the rest of our weekend. best friend hasn't called me back (although that was only like 14 hours ago). i texted best friend's wife, also saying i was planning to pick the boys up from their place after their get-together but wondering what their timeline is so i know when the boys will be ready to go. no response, but that was only like 30 minutes ago.

i'm trying not to freak out, but if he's lying, i want to know why. we have no custody/visitation orders at this point, so he would be within his rights to disappear with them (although who on earth would drive away into the sunset with him and our kids, i have no clue). i'm just not sure what i should do if he doesn't give me an answer and i don't hear back from his/our friends. they probably are just all hanging out, but i don't understand why his friend would drive 45 minutes round-trip to pick them up when they could just take the bus (except that stbx is manipulative and demanding, and best friend is a sucka like me).

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

mama

My gut is telling me that if YOUR gut is getting the old red-flag signals, then I say LISTEN. You can always admit to being a worry wart later. Personally, I would rather be a worry wart who's children werent missing along with her ex. There is a mama on these very boards whose son disappeared with her ex 6 months or so ago. I havent been able to read her whole story because it makes my heart break to much. It happens way more often them some people realize. I would rather it didnt happen to you, too.

[azgirl]

Originally Posted by Barbie64g

mama

My gut is telling me that if YOUR gut is getting the old red-flag signals, then I say LISTEN. You can always admit to being a worry wart later. Personally, I would rather be a worry wart who's children werent missing along with her ex. There is a mama on these very boards whose son disappeared with her ex 6 months or so ago. I havent been able to read her whole story because it makes my heart break to much. It happens way more often them some people realize. I would rather it didnt happen to you, too.

My thoughts exactly. Hmm...could you just say you don't want to move car seats and offer to drive them to the friends house if there is a way you are more comfortable with that? Keep us posted, though. This story gives me the creeps for some reason.

[hillymum]

I would suggest he uses mother in laws car seats and you do need it in writing (email) where he is going and what time the children will be picked up or dropped off at the end of the day.

Why is custody not already assertained so it is a criminal (or whatever) offence if he doesnt return the children? As my husband works in a different state, so is a flight risk, that is the very first thing I had go before the judge. I know he could still try to take the kids, but at least now I know an Amber Alert would go out and he would be charged with kidnapping when found.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Just offer to drive them their yourself (only 25 minutes right?) so you dont have to take the seats out, and see what he says. If I remember, your kids are LITTLE, and this would all make me very uncomfortable.

[DeerMother]

I like the idea of you driving them even though that may be a pita and counter productive to him beginning to take on more responsibility. I don't think it is unreasonable to not what his friend to drive them. Does stbx even know how to install carseats?

[Halfasianmomma]

Any updates on what's going on mama? I'm concerned for you!

[doubledutch]

i texted him again, and he responsed "5". so i guess that's the time.

if he's telling the truth, i have no problem with any of it. i've known his friend as long as i've known stbx. our ds1's middle name is this friend's last name. stbx, friend & i played in a band together. i have no issues with him driving my kids, or knowing how to install a car seat (he's a dad).

my issue really was this feeling that he might be lying - because he's always lying - and if so, then i was worried about whatever he might really be planning. when friend and his wife both didn't respond, that made me way more worried, because it made me wonder if they knew nothing about it. i just kept wondering what was really going on. if it's really just hanging out, then fine. it's no problem. but i'm going to call friend's wife and confirm before i drop the kids off with him, if neither of them get back to me. i'm not dropping them off without someone else confirming these plans.

why don't we have custody orders yet? because when i told stbx i was filing for divorce on july 2, i let him convince me to wait, so that he could work on his issues for a chance at reconciliation. i've since come to realize that, even if he became a fully functional, normal human being, i still don't want to patch things up. so now i need to file, and i know that. i guess temporary custody orders didn't seem super critical to me at the time, because stbx has no where to go and no way to get there - but in hindsight, yeah, it would have been smart.

[doubledutch]

whew, got a totally normal text from friend's wife (who is also my friend, though i haven't known her for super long - two years). i guess it was just stbx not being forthcoming that made me worry. i'm fine about it now - but i do need to file and get all these stuff legally established so that there is no question.

thanks for your thoughts, and i'm sorry i caused worry over nothing!

[Pariah]

Hey, it happens. These are our babies...we're supposed to be protective, follow our instincts when something doesn't feel right, and follow up on things if necessary. Don't apologize for being a concerned mama!

[*MamaJen*]

I'm glad it worked out. It so sucks not feeling trust in our kids' dads. It's that whole concept that the best prediction of future actions is past behavior.