Crappy Libido, Part Deux: Checking In

[saffrongirl]

About two months ago, I posted this thread and I just wanted to check in and see where everyone stands now.

My ten-month-old is still a pretty rough sleeper. I haven't had more than three hours of sleep in a row since she was born. Her naps are usually around 30-40 minutes. In short, I'm still exhausted.

Still haven't gotten my period back either.

I'm not sure things have improved all that much on the sex/intimacy front. We still manage about one time per week of some sort of intimacy, but all-in-all, it still feels like a fair amount of work for me. I spend the day with the baby hanging off me, fighting with her to nap and then it takes about an hour to get her to bed at night. When I finally have a minute, it's really hard to get into the thought of someone else "hanging off me". In fact, as terrible as it makes me feel, I often get really internally annoyed when DP tries to touch me or be close. I just want SPACE.

Anyway, how's everyone doing?

[sunnygir1]

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. I keep telling myself I won't be this tired forever...I keep telling dh that too.

[red and lulu]

yeah, all that. but dd is 12 mo and we've only "been intimate" ONCE since she was born.

i'm touched out. dd is super clingy and doesn't sleep much. last thing i want to do when i'm finally "free" for a moment is get all wrapped up in someone else.

i feel bad about it. i keep telling dp it's a phase and it will pass and that lots and lots of couples go through this.... i don't think it helps, but it is what it is.

[Pookietooth]

I haven't gotten my libido back from my first baby who is now seven, so I'm still waiting!

[Plarka]

Originally Posted by saffrongirl

' it still feels like a fair amount of work for me. I spend the day with the baby hanging off me, fighting with her to nap and then it takes about an hour to get her to bed at night. When I finally have a minute, it's really hard to get into the thought of someone else "hanging off me". In fact, as terrible as it makes me feel, I often get really internally annoyed when DP tries to touch me or be close. I just want SPACE.

I feel exactly like you, definitely don't want anyone hanging off me once she and her sister are in bed. Lately, I have to tell dh to please not talk to me in the evenings because I'm too stresed out and talked out (from the 3 year old) to even be talked to!

[Ruby2]

Amen to the "I don't want someone else hanging off me" sentiment! Poor dh, I try to remind him as often as possible that it's not his fault, but he's so sad sometimes! Our dd is 8 months and we DEFINITELY aren't intimate once a week...maybe once a month??? I can't even remember - it's sad! No period yet for me either. I wonder if that will help?

Hmmm...which begs the question, which would I rather have, sex or my period???

[yippiehippie]

Oh, no, I'm in the same boat, but thought it will get better soon (DS is 4mo). Me and DH are always on opposite sides of the couch, it seems like work to even cuddle with him after cuddling all day w/DS.

[Knitting Mama]

We're still in the same boat, but I'm trying really hard now. We've had sex exactly once since Cecilia was born 4 months ago, and it was two days ago. It was nice, it's just really hard for me to want to do that with the little free time I get. I still have little to no libido, so I am sure that's why I don't want to spend my spare time in bed.

[rhiOrion]

I'm with you. We've managed about twice a month since we started back at about 9 weeks. I really have to try hard to be even remotely in the mood. Last time I asked if we could just do "other stuff" instead.

It doesn't help that four months out and I still have pain at the edge of my tear. So the idea of sticking something up there doesn't sound so good.

I also didn't have a big libido to begin with. So it's certainly no better now!

[shapiro-strano]

I have two children at home, am a full time student, and help my DP run his printing business. So, at the end of the day I am exhausted and not always interested. I have found that pushing myself to move from that opposite end of the couch and initiate the cuddling does wonders. It feels really good to connect once we actually are!

Actual sex is another story. Getting the baby asleep in her packnplay long enough for us to enjoy our bed is hard work. And if she wakes I have to nurses her back to sleep. That is really hard for me to switch gears back and forth like that. So it all seems daunting and tiring. Again, once we are there though, it is wonderful for us to be connecting and be intimate.

I guess for me it is just about getting past that hump of being touched/talked out and remembering that I love my DP to pieces and love being intimate with him. Thats what got us these kids right?

[Ninetales]

No libido here whatsoever. We've done it maybe five times since baby was born. I just have absolutely no interest, and she rarely sleeps anywhere except our bed.

[yippiehippie]

I must say that the few times we have dtd, LO has been great - stayed asleep the whole time, so we've been lucky considering we co-sleep

[Knitting Mama]

Same here, our one time was with the baby conked out in her swing.

[lalemma]

Our baby is 9 months now. My period came back at 7 months (bummer. what about the constant nursing, co-sleeping, never being apart from him? nothing? sigh.) and... it did (almost) nothing for my libido, which is kind of a drag. We continue to aim for 2x week and achieve about half that. I feel kind of bad for my husband, who of course doesn't have the BF-ing induced libido death.

Here's hoping my drive returns someday.

[2boyzmama]

Maybe this is better moved to the parents as partners, but my issue is that sex is basically my husband's love language http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-...ove-languages/ (officially I guess his is physical touch, but really it's just sex...no other touching) MY love language is acts of service or words of affirmation. We don't really speak each other's language!!!!

I wil GLADLY give him quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and even physical contact like cuddling, hand holding, hugging, kissing, shower time, etc but he just wants...sex. And I absolutely, positively, do NOT.

DS3 is 10 months, I'm not cycling (which is odd for me, started at 6 months with my other two), I'm tired often not because of just the baby, but from having 3 kids in general. I just have nothing left. It's becoming an issue, regardless of how I explain to him what I'm feeling, he doesn't care. He thinks I should just "throw him a bone" once in a while, suck it up and just give him sex. And the few times we have, it's been fun, but does nothing to bring back my libido.

[zannster]

Nothing here yet either. This isn't surprising, since it never really recovered from DS, who is now five (I hear you Jen! LOL).

[aramat]

8 mos here... I have so much trouble snapping out of mommy-mode. I just can't do it! Even kissing on tv makes me say "Oh, GROSS!" I feel sorry for my husband, but, you know, not sorry enough!

[MommyMad]

I'm so happy this thread was posted.

For us, it's nine months since the birth of our son and we haven't done it at all. I was starting to think that we were in the minority. I'm glad to see we are not. My saving grace is that DH is just as tired at night, so no complaints from him. The bad part is that we would like to get preggers now, but without DTD, it's not going to happen. We'll have to work at it. It's becoming a bit easier to envision it since we transitioned the baby to his crib last month. Surprisingly, he sleeps better there than with us.

Maybe we just need to do it, and my libido will be back. I must admit that I'm a bit afraid of DTD and getting my peruiod back. I certainly am not looking forward to that.

[P.J.]

Wow, glad to know I'm not the only one not feelin' it at all. We've done it I think 3 times since the baby was born, each time with the baby napping in the other room and the baby monitor on right next to us. I can't say I was the world's horniest person before this, but now it's like just gone. It takes about a week of us both saying we need to make the time and space to connect and be intimate before we actually get around to it. I like being close to my DH, but I just never feel like much action, kwim? I don't like being like this and I hope I get at least some of my juices flowing again sometime.

BTW someone mentioned this lack of interest is induced by BFing....really?! I'd never heard that before.

[saffrongirl]

Originally Posted by 2boyzmama

Maybe this is better moved to the parents as partners, but my issue is that sex is basically my husband's love language http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-...ove-languages/ (officially I guess his is physical touch, but really it's just sex...no other touching) MY love language is acts of service or words of affirmation. We don't really speak each other's language!!!!

I wil GLADLY give him quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and even physical contact like cuddling, hand holding, hugging, kissing, shower time, etc but he just wants...sex. And I absolutely, positively, do NOT.

DS3 is 10 months, I'm not cycling (which is odd for me, started at 6 months with my other two), I'm tired often not because of just the baby, but from having 3 kids in general. I just have nothing left. It's becoming an issue, regardless of how I explain to him what I'm feeling, he doesn't care. He thinks I should just "throw him a bone" once in a while, suck it up and just give him sex. And the few times we have, it's been fun, but does nothing to bring back my libido.

This is probably getting more to the root of the matter. We communicate differently and we need different things. I've found that even through all of these first months (and maybe even more now), I need intimacy with him - meaning CLOSENESS, whereas he needs intimacy, meaning SEX. If I let myself be hugged and held close, it really does feel nice and I feel closer to him. But usually it feels like if he hugs me and holds me close, it's a means to an end and I feel him grinding against me. It becomes one more person needing something from me and I am instantly turned off.
Ironic because if we can just have some simple closeness, I find myself much more in the mood for sex.