Crappy Libido, Part Deux: Checking In - Page 2

[Ninetales]

We'd probably do it more, but my husband isn't interested unless I am as well. I don't mind sex that's really just for him, but he doesn't enjoy it unless it's going to work for me too. Which is nice, kind of. I like that he cares so much about my pleasure but I feel a little guilty because I'm so not into it, pretty much ever.

I'd guess that my love language is acts of service, and his is words of affirmation. Which probably explains why our dry spell isn't too bothersome.

[Knitting Mama]

My husband is exactly the same, Ninetales. It's wonderful that he is so considerate, but it makes it so much harder when his wife has zero interest. Poor guy.

[kismetbaby]

I'm with you mamas. My LO is 10.5 months and I haven't had a return of AF yet and still BF round the clock. I feel like there is an inkling of my libido returning, but that is being counter-acted by my LOs becoming a super-busy, super-mobile baby, who doesn't sleep well, sleeps in bed with us and basically wears me out each and every day. So even if I think during the day that I might want to have some action with my DH when he gets home, by the time 8pm rolls around, I'm just too tired.

We have a "discussion" about it every few weeks, but haven't found a solution. I want more (non-sex) intimacy, more help with the LO, and he just wants. . .sex. He said today that 3x a week was his ideal *minimum*. OMG. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I can't even begin to imagine how I could manage that. We do probably manage once a week though. . .or every other week. Which seems just fine to me. Sigh.

[equilibrium]

Originally Posted by red + lulu

yeah, all that. but dd is 12 mo and we've only "been intimate" ONCE since she was born.

i'm touched out. dd is super clingy and doesn't sleep much. last thing i want to do when i'm finally "free" for a moment is get all wrapped up in someone else.

i feel bad about it. i keep telling dp it's a phase and it will pass and that lots and lots of couples go through this.... i don't think it helps, but it is what it is.

I mostly just lurk and don't post yet (still new to Mothering.com) but I want to say thank you for this. I felt like crying because at least I am not the only one. We have been intimate once in the past year (pregnant, then babe, he is almost 5 months). Dh is upset. I can't stand though being touched, sexual, tired. I really really just want to sleep, and fall into deep sleep. I don't feel like cuddling...I feel bad. I cry about it. I can't make myself get "into it". DH doesnt leave it alone lately, brings it up every day...feel horrible and not sure what to do. Anyhow, I appreciate your openess and honesty. It helps.

[equilibrium]

Originally Posted by aramat

8 mos here... I have so much trouble snapping out of mommy-mode. I just can't do it! Even kissing on tv makes me say "Oh, GROSS!" I feel sorry for my husband, but, you know, not sorry enough!

OMG, I get this!! LOL. Actually, I feel bad. Dh tries to kiss, and I am like "ick! don't! Yuck!" I am not sure what is wrong with me.

[bender]

My baby is 13 months now, and we've had sex less than a handful of times. I haven't gotten my period back, but I feel some sort of drive coming back. The only bummer is that it really, really hurts to dtd. It's like crowning-level of pain, both in sensation and pain level. I had tearing; does this mean that I was sewn up poorly? Is it scar tissue and it'll be this way long-term?

[Mawood]

I like this thread. Our daughter is 6 1/2 months old and we haven't had sex yet I really don't feel like it much and since we co sleep and Olivia isn't a good napper at all there is hardly any opportunity other than late at night when I am tired after getting her to sleep. At first I had pain from the birth (episiotomy) and I felt cautious because of that but that is all good now...I do miss that sort of closeness and connection with dh though.

[aramat]

Been thinking about this more b/c of the thread... I also have a dread fear of getting pregnant again. My third baby was born prematurely at 32 weeks, and I never ever want to go through having a baby in the NICU again. Don't want birth control bc am already struggling with milk supply, and my husband doesn't like condoms, and AF isn't back fully yet. So even if the kids ARE sleeping and I'm feeling generous, the fear keeps me away. I guess until some surgical intervention, but even if I'm the one of us to do that, I don't want to do it in Brazil, in Portuguese!

[Tway]

Oh... thank goodness. Poor DH is very patient, but kinda fed up. Here we thought we were in the minority. My sis tells me that breastfeeding diminishes your estrogen levels and your libido--so I'm going with that excuse!

But seriously, a baby's a strain on a marriage, and this lack-of-libido thing's not helping. Hopefully it'll get better with time...

[october]

Honestly, the saddest part of losing my libido isn't just losing it for DH. I was always a regular self-pleasurer, I mean, it was part of my health maintenance and sanity and a splendid tool to get to sleep.

It takes forEVER to even get turned on enough to get into it. I can't believe it, but I'm getting tired of trying. I can't believe it because I used to do it so regularly and it was so easy!

I mean, what about ME? :/

[Perdita_in_Ontario]

This is me too... sigh...

My libido was never high, plummeted after DD was born 5 years ago, and kind of crawled back up as she got older. We need IVF to get pregnant, and that kind of factors into it too... you'd think it would make it easier because we could have sex Whenever We Want without worrying about pregnancy, but if anything, it just takes any of the fun risk out of it.

We weren't allowed to have sex for several weeks after I got pregnant with DS because I had complications from the IVF, and after that I just felt so gross with pregnancy we didn't DTD once. And um, he's 6 months and we're not back in any groove yet. DH is very patient, and blames himself for needing IVF in the first place.

I got my period back at 16 months PP with DD, and I don't think it made much difference physically, but mentally I think it did.

And yeah, there's no self-pleasuring going on here either. I have had a few dreams though lately, which makes me hope perhaps I haven't become completely asexual...

[heathenmom]

Originally Posted by 2boyzmama

Maybe this is better moved to the parents as partners, but my issue is that sex is basically my husband's love language http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-...ove-languages/ (officially I guess his is physical touch, but really it's just sex...no other touching) MY love language is acts of service or words of affirmation. We don't really speak each other's language!!!!

I wil GLADLY give him quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and even physical contact like cuddling, hand holding, hugging, kissing, shower time, etc but he just wants...sex. And I absolutely, positively, do NOT.

DS3 is 10 months, I'm not cycling (which is odd for me, started at 6 months with my other two), I'm tired often not because of just the baby, but from having 3 kids in general. I just have nothing left. It's becoming an issue, regardless of how I explain to him what I'm feeling, he doesn't care. He thinks I should just "throw him a bone" once in a while, suck it up and just give him sex. And the few times we have, it's been fun, but does nothing to bring back my libido.

This.

[saffrongirl]

Originally Posted by october

Honestly, the saddest part of losing my libido isn't just losing it for DH. I was always a regular self-pleasurer, I mean, it was part of my health maintenance and sanity and a splendid tool to get to sleep.

It takes forEVER to even get turned on enough to get into it. I can't believe it, but I'm getting tired of trying. I can't believe it because I used to do it so regularly and it was so easy!

I mean, what about ME? :/

Yeah, I guess this is what tells me that it's ME and not something wrong with US (dp and I) per se. I'm not into masturbation right now either. I'd rather sleep.

[Ruby2]

Originally Posted by bender

My baby is 13 months now, and we've had sex less than a handful of times. I haven't gotten my period back, but I feel some sort of drive coming back. The only bummer is that it really, really hurts to dtd. It's like crowning-level of pain, both in sensation and pain level. I had tearing; does this mean that I was sewn up poorly? Is it scar tissue and it'll be this way long-term?

I am the same way. It hurts a LOT...a little less each time, but still a LOT. I think I broke records for stitches, they wouldn't tell me how many they gave me and I lost count. My midwife told me at a post-partum checkup to call her if it hurt to have sex and she would give me a prescription for estrogen creme. I haven't done it. I'm not sure why??? But anyway, this let me to believe that the pain was definitely from the tears, but was also related to hormones. A friend of mine said sex hurt until she stopped breastfeeding - also related to hormones, I'm sure.

[prairiemum]

So glad to see I'm not the only mommy out there whose libido is not what it was before baby. My dd is 11.5 months old and formula fed, but she is very busy during the day. I'm lucky if she naps once a day and sleeps 4- 5 hours at a time during the night, by the time she goes to bed at 7 p.m. I'm ready to head for bed as well without interuptions or anyone touching me. DH doesn't understand why I wouldn't want him touching me even after I've explained it to him. Since dd was born we've averaged once a month for sex and he would like it to be more, I just don't have the energy!

[toughcookie]

for those moms who are BFing and aren't cycling yet, maybe when you slow BFing, start cycling, or both, things will change for you. THEY DID FOR ME, in a big way.

hugs to all, since this is such a huge issue to be burdened with.

[Kikelet]

Oh my goodness I am glad for this thread. I have like, ZERO libido. DP and I are in a rut because of the lack of "intimacy" but he really means intercourse. We snuggle a lot, but I don't really like to kiss because DP gets easily riled up. He has been incredibly supportive, but it's wearing on him, I can tell. We DTD about once a week/two weeks now that I really started trying to make myself more available to him, but I know he wants more.

What really makes me feel bad is that we hit a snag in our relationship before I got pg; I was having issues with DP's ex-gf still being flirty and wearing her boobnoxiously low shirts around him and whatnot. We are all friends and him not being friends with his ex was not an option.To make a long story short, I sort of backed off intimacy-wise, and then we worked it out and I got pg right after! THEN came the hyperemesis for 7-8 months of my pregnancy, plus I was sick for about 2 weeks after giving birth. I feel so horrible for DP, we really haven't been intimate as much as we used to for over 18 months. I don't know how to explain to him that this isn't a problem with my emotional stability or our relationship; it's all hormones. He just won't listen because he says I was like this before I had a baby, even when I explained my reasons. He understands that I can't DTD often because I don't ever feel like it, but he doesn't understand the real reason. I think time and patience is the only thing that will heal this situation.