Open Casket "visitation"

[claras_mom]

I see this as a parenting issue, not a grief one.

Dh's aunt died. His mom's sister; the closest thing the girls have to a grandmother on that side.

There's to be an hour-long "visitation" at the funeral home on the day of the service. Even though dh said he and his siblings had discussed that his aunt didn't want any viewing of the body, apparently for that hour, the casket will be open. For the service itself, it will be closed. I don't know any details of that decision--which seems to have been made independently of previous conversations. We're four hours away, so a lot has taken place via email and phone calls (which generally happen when I'm trying to get the kids ready for bed).

This is completely outside of my personal experience. For the most part, my family opts for cremation immediately after death; my grandfather didn't, but there was no visitation and the casket was firmly closed.

What do I do about dd1 (5y9m)? Ask if she'd like to see her aunt's body? Take her for ice cream? She understands that her aunt is dead. She's sad about it. OTOH, in her worldview, when you die, you immediately become an angel--making the person, on some level, "not really dead"-- and while we've talked about the fact that the body remains on earth, I'm not sure she quite....gets...it.

WWYD?

[sunnygir1]

I think I'd take her; unless she really didn't want to go. Obviously talking to her about it beforehand is a good move. She may be fine there, but not want to go up to view the body...as long as there's no pressure, I don't see the harm.

I was older than your dd when my grandmother died; I think I was 8. I distinctly remember hanging out in the back of the room and being pushed to go "say goodbye" to my grandmother. I was very upset by the fact that people were trying to get me to go up there, and I was absolutely certain that my grandmother was NOT in that casket.

Deaths and funerals (including those with open caskets) are a part of our lives, and I don't see any reason to exclude/shelter children from the experience. Just follow her lead and support her decisions.

[meemee]

i would definitely take her. she knew her didnt she. so aunt is not a stranger?

i think its v. v. important that our children see the dead and be a part of the traditions and watch what happens to people around them. cutting them off kinda keeps it in secret and they dont really know how to handle it emotionally when they get older.

i remember when my dd saw her first viewing at 3 she said 'oh mama she is in peace. look how sweetly she sleeps. she does not have to suffer anymore.' she said that on her own - not after listening to other conversations.

be careful of how you present it to your dd too. if you have doubts within you and you ask her - she is going to pick up on your turbulent feeling and pbably opt not to go.

so i would sit with what you feel is right for you and your family and then proceed.

children form a dual purpose at these ceremonies. one is for the child to be aware of such a thing. plus your dd is at the age of questioning death so she will actually see what happens and understand it. secondly for other mourners somehow kids add someting extra. something sweet. hope of the next generation. something.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

You know your dd best and how she might handle it. If it where my kids I wouldnt hesitate taking them. I have only been to 1-2 closed casket ceremonies (both passed away due to accident and where not viewable) in my life. Around here they are always open ceremonies. Both have been going since they where babies and will continue to do so.

[claras_mom]

Originally Posted by sunnygir1

Deaths and funerals (including those with open caskets) are a part of our lives, and I don't see any reason to exclude/shelter children from the experience. Just follow her lead and support her decisions.

You're right, of course. I'm over thinking it.

Originally Posted by meemee

i would definitely take her. she knew her didnt she. so aunt is not a stranger?
....

be careful of how you present it to your dd too. if you have doubts within you and you ask her - she is going to pick up on your turbulent feeling and pbably opt not to go.

Not a stranger at all. We saw them probably 2-3 times a year, skyped and called more than that.

I think my turbulent feeling at the moment has more to do with dh's family and the way they function together. Not that they don't get along, because they do--more that things get considered and reconsidered and discussed to the point of not always having the least clue what's going on. I still feel like the newbie in the family, so I don't always jump right in. It's gotten me in 'trouble" when I do.

But that's another post.

[busymama77]

We took our 5month old and 4.5 year old to a wake a couple of weeks ago and 4.5 year old didn't bat an eye. He had questions about where we were going before hand and we were up front with him, but he didn't really think anything of it. All of our family was there including my parents and my IL's. The person that passed away was DH's Uncle.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by claras_mom

Not a stranger at all. We saw them probably 2-3 times a year, skyped and called more than that.

then i think she should go to bring closure for herself.

[hermionesmum]

I feel strongly that it is important to invite children to take part in mourning rituals, even if they choose not to. My daughters opted to view my father's body in the hospital chapel within twenty four hours of death, so before any embalming or making up. They were six and four at the time and I feel that it went a long way to help them understand what "GaGa has died" really meant.

[KMK_Mama]

I went to an open casket viewing at age 6 (my kindergarten teacher) and I remember being really freaked out. I don't know that I would take my children.

[zeldamomma]

My children went to their grandmother's open casket visitation at ages 3 and 4 1/2 and it was not traumatic for them. I don't know if there was something else we could have done that might have been better, but taking them was fine, and it did seem to help them understand that she was dead, and what that means.

I would take her unless it would cause problems in the family to have her there (but let her choose whether or not to approach the coffin). I think part of the reason they were ok with the whole thing is that, while everyone was very sad, no one thought we were wrong to have them there. I think if they were being given the message that this was scary, they might have found it scary.

[claras_mom]

Oh, the family won't have any problems with having her there (or dd2). A little over a month ago, SIL's mom died. Her entire extended family, including young children, spent several hours doing the visitation, though I did hear that when it got to be a little long, there was ice cream to be had nearby. And if it's the same funeral home, there would be a place to go that's out of sight of the coffin.

I have to remember to trust dd. She's a little kid, but she seems to know herself pretty well. I think I was a young teenager before my first open casket funeral--sad, but not scary; it was a neighbor--so my main concern has/had to do with her age.

[Drummer's Wife]

I'd take her, and let her decide if she wants to go up to the casket. That's what we have done with our kids, with no regret.

[ecoteat]

Originally Posted by meemee

i think its v. v. important that our children see the dead and be a part of the traditions and watch what happens to people around them. cutting them off kinda keeps it in secret and they dont really know how to handle it emotionally when they get older.

Thanks for this. My gut reaction is to keep little kids away from funerals, but I realize that is my personal hangup. When my grandpa died last summer dd traveled with me, but didn't attend any of the services. When my grandma died three weeks later (yes, last August sucked), dd stayed home while I traveled. I never considered taking her to any of the viewings or funerals. She was 3 and didn't know my grandma well and had never met my grandpa (wow, that makes me sad), so I know it's a different situation than the OP's. While I was there and all the other kids in the family were camped out in the TV/play room in the basement for days on end it made me a little uncomfortable. But meemee, your comment puts it all in perspective.

[elizawill]

my children have been to 3 viewings. it really wasn't a big deal. we didn't go up to the casket though, but they were fully aware the body was present. i'd take your dd. i think she will react to you more than anything, ykwim? so if you are okay, then she'll probably be okay too.

[Melaniee]

Well, my family doesn't do those, and I find them rather disturbing myself. Most of the time there's not even a body there at ours. I've only been to one funeral with a casket, and it was open at the front. The image is forever burned in my head as much as I don't want to remember that person that way, I do. I prefer to remember people alive. SO, having said that, if there was to be a service at another time I'd skip the viewing and just go to the service.

[Youngfrankenstein]

I really think it's appropriate to include kids in the mourning/grieving process but I don't think I'd take mine to see a body. I really can't imagine subjecting them to seeing someone they knew as a "prepared body".

[claras_mom]

My mom has come down really strongly on the "keep the child away from the body" side. At 73, she has a really vivid memory of seeing a cousin laid out--a cousin who died when she was about dd's age. she said it didn't traumatize her for life or anything but she still didn't think it was a great idea. Dh and I are going to play it by ear. He said he still doesn't get why his brother and sil have decided to do it this way, when they'd all agreed that their aunt's wish was for no viewing. :

I'm just tired already from the whole thing, and we haven't even gone yet.

[canadianhippie]

I'm glad to see everyone agreeing for the most part that the LO sees the viewing. I went to about 6 funerals before I was 11, the youngest I was 6 and it was my grandpa. My grandmother would bring me to the graves of her parents sometimes and cemetary ceremonies, I quite enjoyed as a child/ preteen. My mum brought me to nursing homes to my relatives, my grandpa lived with us during chemo so I had some sort of prep before death and you desensitize yourself, death and cemetaries don't freak me out, I find it almost peaceful now. I recognized the process of aging and death from a young age and it's a good quality to have if I may say so. I'm glad the OP thinks it's a ok move too.

[fyrwmn]

when dh's grandmother died, dd was only 2.5 . we caught alot of flack from mil for not bringing dd to the funeral. we had explained in age appropraite ways to dd that meme had died, but i didn't feel that at that age she should be going and viewing her dead great grandmother. fwiw, they are catholic so not only did we have a viewing, but it was complete with the kneeling bench right in front of the casket. this waqs foreign to me anyways, as i am not catholic, nor had i been to catholic funerals (not sure if other faiths do similar?) but it also kind of freaked me out to just kneel there and stare at her with a room full of people watching expectantly. i would have much preferred to have remembered her as she was when she was alive.
we did intend to take dd to my grnadfather's funeral last summer and she expressed wanting to go, but my mom adamantly refused. it was a closed casket funeral. out of respect for my nana (who my mom said it would upset if children were there) we ended up not letting her go. it really irritated me because i feel that dh and i are the parents and should be the ones to make decisions for our children. my family is more the "you should pretend unpleasant things don't happen and hide that sort of stuff from children" type . we ended up bringing her to say her goodbyes at the gravesite a week later, and saved one of the funaeral cards with his pic for her so she could have one of her own to look at when she wanted.
so...all that to say that imo, children should be allowed the option of going if they so choose. it is a normal part of life afterall. we personally just try to prepare our kids for the experience (whether a pleasant/unpleasant one) by letting tem know what they may see/hear etc. i think we do our children a great disservice by hiding things like this from them, and often they understand/accept far more than we give them credit for.

[claras_mom]

FWIW, there's no question of dd attending the memorial service, which out of dh's aunt's written wishes will be closed casket. I even let sil put her down as an "honorary pallbearer" (her same-age nephew had done that a month ago, at her mom's memorial), though if dd chooses not to walk behind the casket, that will be fine. It's just the viewing that caught us off-guard, for reasons given previously.

I do appreciate everyone's input and personal experiences very much.