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Apparently, my two year old is "offending" another parent - Page 3

post #41 of 82
buttercup: i guess i am not seeing what you are saying here. IF something doesn't bother you, and it wouldn't bother you if it was some other child doing it, then why would you think that it would bother someone else? that IMHO is when someone else might say "hey that is bothering us" either to you or your child. otherwise i would see that all day you would be correcting your child for things that didn't bother you but MIGHT bother someone else. do you see wht i am saying?

h
post #42 of 82
I'm a little confused about this though. I hope you're not saying that even if you noticed that something your little one was doing was hurtful or inconsiderate that you wouldn't correct them because it wasn't hurtful or inconsiderate to YOU. I'm assuming that you don't KNOW the behavior is bothering someone else.[/QUOTE]

I always correct dd for hurtful behavior (she's only 19 mos, so I guess I redirect). But there are little things that other moms don't allow. For instance, I was at my SILs the other day and she offered dd an animal cracker out of a big box. DD tried to take two and my SIL said "oh no sweetie, just one". I wouldn't necessarily prevent my dd from taking two animal crackers. Doesn't seem like a big deal to me (now 3 or 4 would be different). But my SIL thought she should only have one. I have another friend who doesn't like our babies mouthing the same toy. She redirected dd the first time it hapened and so now I don't ever allow dd to put toys in her mouth at that friend's house. No biggie. I don't want to police my dd's every move so I sort of observe other people rules and feel out what they allow and what they don't. Otherwise I'd be stopping my dd from doing everything that may disturb another person.
post #43 of 82
I gave an example above about the kids running in the waiting room. There are some things that as a parent, and also someone who works around kids, doesn't bother me. But I think I have enough empathy for other people that I can gauge whether or not something is bothering them.

In the case of the OP, what her dd was doing hurt the child's feelings. It's hard for me to imagine that the OP didn't realize that another 2 or 3 year old wouldn't get upset by being mimicked or mocked while being reprimanded, but let's pretend she didn't. The mom of the other child doesn't have the responsibility to teach the OP's child basic courteous behavior. She may even agree that the child is too young to learn. Who knows? So she went to the OP and asked if she could do something about it. That could be anything from correcting her dd to just moving her away from the situation so that she doesn't interfere. The OP obliged and all is well now. So I think the friend handled the situation well.

I'm actually very surprised that another parent would expect me to stop in the middle of disciplining my own child and correct their child too! Just because the behavior is developmentally appropriate doesn't mean it's ok. If my 18 month old went up and bit my friend, I would intervene. I wouldn't just stand there and expect my friend to correct my child.
post #44 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by scottishmommy View Post
For instance, I was at my SILs the other day and she offered dd an animal cracker out of a big box. DD tried to take two and my SIL said "oh no sweetie, just one". I wouldn't necessarily prevent my dd from taking two animal crackers. Doesn't seem like a big deal to me (now 3 or 4 would be different). But my SIL thought she should only have one.
I think there is a wide berth on different rules people have, but that's not the same as a behavior that is clearly hurtful/incondiderate but may be age appropriate.

A good example using your scenario would be that when your 2 yr old was offered some crackers she went in with both hands and grabbed as many as she could. Age appropriate...certainly, but it's not courteous to do that. And believe me, after years of handing out Halloween candy, there are kids that were NOT taught that it's not OK to do that. So I would think that even as young as two the basic rule we would try to instill is 'don't grab'. Some people might teach 'take one at a time', but the basic rule is the same.
post #45 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by gbailey View Post
Just wanted to give an update. We ran into CC and her mom at the library this morning. DD repeated the same thing when CC's mom corrected her about something small. "Not nice CC." I told DD, "honey, (insert cc's moms name) is taking care of CC. Let's go look at the Elmo books." CC's mom turned to me, winked and mouthed "thank you."

As I said earlier though, I don't believe another young child that age saying this to my DD would bug me and until it happens I won't know. I never, however, want to offend a friend especially one whose company I enjoy.
Can I say "awesome friend/mama" alert? You honored your friend's (and her daughter's) needs, and by doing so, you validated their feelings. I can imagine it was probably hard for your friend to bring up the issue to you in the first place, so I'll bet she's over the moon right now. In these situations, what frequently happens is that the parent of the teased child will stop returning emails/calls for playdate requests, rather than admit having hurt feelings. Your friend must really value your company. Keep her!

What it comes down to is that it really doesn't matter if the teasing/scolding wouldn't bother you (or your LO) if you were on the receiving end. You put aside your own inclinations and saw the situation from their point-of-view. The teasing bothered your friend and her daughter, but you took care of the situation respectfully. That's what makes a friend a GOOD friend... that's what you are.
post #46 of 82
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by scottishmommy View Post
I'm a little confused about this though. I hope you're not saying that even if you noticed that something your little one was doing was hurtful or inconsiderate that you wouldn't correct them because it wasn't hurtful or inconsiderate to YOU. I'm assuming that you don't KNOW the behavior is bothering someone else.
I always correct dd for hurtful behavior (she's only 19 mos, so I guess I redirect). But there are little things that other moms don't allow. For instance, I was at my SILs the other day and she offered dd an animal cracker out of a big box. DD tried to take two and my SIL said "oh no sweetie, just one". I wouldn't necessarily prevent my dd from taking two animal crackers. Doesn't seem like a big deal to me (now 3 or 4 would be different). But my SIL thought she should only have one. I have another friend who doesn't like our babies mouthing the same toy. She redirected dd the first time it hapened and so now I don't ever allow dd to put toys in her mouth at that friend's house. No biggie. I don't want to police my dd's every move so I sort of observe other people rules and feel out what they allow and what they don't. Otherwise I'd be stopping my dd from doing everything that may disturb another person.[/QUOTE]


I would find this so annoying. Your SIL not you. Does your DD even know what just taking one animal cracker is. Instead of an adult telling such a young child they can only have one of this or one of that, I think they should just give them the amount they want them to have.
post #47 of 82
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissMaegie'sMama View Post
Can I say "awesome friend/mama" alert? You honored your friend's (and her daughter's) needs, and by doing so, you validated their feelings. I can imagine it was probably hard for your friend to bring up the issue to you in the first place, so I'll bet she's over the moon right now. In these situations, what frequently happens is that the parent of the teased child will stop returning emails/calls for playdate requests, rather than admit having hurt feelings. Your friend must really value your company. Keep her!

What it comes down to is that it really doesn't matter if the teasing/scolding wouldn't bother you (or your LO) if you were on the receiving end. You put aside your own inclinations and saw the situation from their point-of-view. The teasing bothered your friend and her daughter, but you took care of the situation respectfully. That's what makes a friend a GOOD friend... that's what you are.

Thank you. I REALLY appreciate you saying this. This is one of the reasons why I was so annoyed at another poster questioning how I parent my child. I know we all have different rules for how we deal with our children but I would hope that if I was offended by something another friend and/or her child did with me and DD that they would respect how I feel even if they don't have a problem with said behavior.

I strive everyday to be a better person for myself but also so I can set a good example for my daughter on what being a kind and good spirited human being is about. Thank you again. This was a very special post for me!
post #48 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by gbailey View Post
I always correct dd for hurtful behavior (she's only 19 mos, so I guess I redirect). But there are little things that other moms don't allow. For instance, I was at my SILs the other day and she offered dd an animal cracker out of a big box. DD tried to take two and my SIL said "oh no sweetie, just one". I wouldn't necessarily prevent my dd from taking two animal crackers. Doesn't seem like a big deal to me (now 3 or 4 would be different). But my SIL thought she should only have one. I have another friend who doesn't like our babies mouthing the same toy. She redirected dd the first time it hapened and so now I don't ever allow dd to put toys in her mouth at that friend's house. No biggie. I don't want to police my dd's every move so I sort of observe other people rules and feel out what they allow and what they don't. Otherwise I'd be stopping my dd from doing everything that may disturb another person.

I would find this so annoying. Your SIL not you. Does your DD even know what just taking one animal cracker is. Instead of an adult telling such a young child they can only have one of this or one of that, I think they should just give them the amount they want them to have.[/QUOTE]

It really wasn't annoying. In fact I think my SIL said that because she thought that I wouldn't want dd to have more than one cracker. I don't have a problem with other adults correcting dd, especially since I only really hang out with AP type people (family included, lucky me!). It takes a village!
post #49 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by buttercup784ever View Post
I'm actually very surprised that another parent would expect me to stop in the middle of disciplining my own child and correct their child too! Just because the behavior is developmentally appropriate doesn't mean it's ok. If my 18 month old went up and bit my friend, I would intervene. I wouldn't just stand there and expect my friend to correct my child.
I'm not saying that I expect other people to correct my dd for me, I just think that if my dd is doing something that I am clearly oblivious to they should just say something to her. Honestly, there's such a wide range of toddler behavior it's hard to know what's appropriate to some people and not to others. Obviously we know that 18 month olds shouldn't bite or hit. I would never just stand back and let dd hit another kid.
post #50 of 82
Well, I would hesitate to correct another child in front of their parent in just about any situation because a lot of people are offended by that. I certainly don't think the OP's friend handled this situation badly by bringing it up to her. If I had to chose between someone correcting my child right in front of me or bringing up the behavior later, I would chose the latter. Not so much in the cookie situation, but in the mocking and mimicking...definitely, I would feel more comfortable with them coming to me later then trying to correct their child AND mine at the same time.

I think gbailey has a good friend, and she IS a good friend to listen to her concerns. I can't imagine a better outcome.
post #51 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by gbailey View Post
I always correct dd for hurtful behavior (she's only 19 mos, so I guess I redirect). But there are little things that other moms don't allow. For instance, I was at my SILs the other day and she offered dd an animal cracker out of a big box. DD tried to take two and my SIL said "oh no sweetie, just one". I wouldn't necessarily prevent my dd from taking two animal crackers. Doesn't seem like a big deal to me (now 3 or 4 would be different). But my SIL thought she should only have one. I have another friend who doesn't like our babies mouthing the same toy. She redirected dd the first time it hapened and so now I don't ever allow dd to put toys in her mouth at that friend's house. No biggie. I don't want to police my dd's every move so I sort of observe other people rules and feel out what they allow and what they don't. Otherwise I'd be stopping my dd from doing everything that may disturb another person.

I would find this so annoying. Your SIL not you. Does your DD even know what just taking one animal cracker is. Instead of an adult telling such a young child they can only have one of this or one of that, I think they should just give them the amount they want them to have.[/QUOTE]
Especially since toddlers are very much about having one for each hand. It soooo isn't worth dealing with a tantrum over a second animal cracker out of a big box.
post #52 of 82
i agree gbailey, you did an amazing job.

i think that your friend bringing it up was good also. sometimes as a parent we don't always see what our child is doing, OR see what they are doing is hurtful, especially when they are so young.

although i don't expect someone to stop mid reprimand to say something to my kid, IF they saw something at that moment and didn't like it, and i was not witnessing it, they could easily say something like "I am handling this, thanks xxx" i have done that and it never bothered me to do it , nor did it seem to upset that other parents. sometimes i think we as parents get over sensitive, and sort of over think things, make mountains out of mole hills.
all someone needs to do is point out their need, otherwise how on earth are you suppose to know. you friend did that, you listened and it made all the difference.
just like if something doesn't bother you, how are you suppose to know that someone else is bothered by it, unless they say something.

h
post #53 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
I would find this so annoying. Your SIL not you. Does your DD even know what just taking one animal cracker is. Instead of an adult telling such a young child they can only have one of this or one of that, I think they should just give them the amount they want them to have.
Especially since toddlers are very much about having one for each hand. It soooo isn't worth dealing with a tantrum over a second animal cracker out of a big box.[/QUOTE]

YES! My 2 year old HAS to have one for each hand. She expects everyone to know and follow it too...

OP...I think you handled the situation VERY maturely and got great advice. I have to admit I would've been annoyed had a friend brought that up to me. I can so see my DD saying that to someone and my immediate thought would be "Um, she's two". Not saying it's right but I do see where you're coming from!! Glad it worked out so well.

I would be very irritated if a friend scolded my child when I was right there. If there was something that I felt needed to be corrected I would've done it.
post #54 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissMaegie'sMama View Post
Can I say "awesome friend/mama" alert? You honored your friend's (and her daughter's) needs, and by doing so, you validated their feelings. I can imagine it was probably hard for your friend to bring up the issue to you in the first place, so I'll bet she's over the moon right now. In these situations, what frequently happens is that the parent of the teased child will stop returning emails/calls for playdate requests, rather than admit having hurt feelings. Your friend must really value your company. Keep her!

What it comes down to is that it really doesn't matter if the teasing/scolding wouldn't bother you (or your LO) if you were on the receiving end. You put aside your own inclinations and saw the situation from their point-of-view. The teasing bothered your friend and her daughter, but you took care of the situation respectfully. That's what makes a friend a GOOD friend... that's what you are.
This. Think you've handled it really well plus have been super open to some feedback on this thread that could have made you feel pretty defensive.
post #55 of 82
gbailey Im guessing this is your first baby <3. Parenting is such a learning curve and I can honestly say with my first child if I was in the same situation I would have done the same as you. I mean... hey they are JUST toddlers. It is hard to figure out what should be re directed and what should be left to be worked out by nature I mean really they go through SO many phases.

I think you have a great handle on it now. Sounds to me like your a great momma for asking / figuring out the situation. I do think the other momma was a bit touchy though
post #56 of 82
OP, I didn't read each post so I'm not sure if this was touched on or not. I wanted to say though, that you should never underestimate your child's ability to understand things. Kids really are smarter than we think. Their cognitive abilities often far exceed their verbal ones, at least in the early years. It is important to teach them when you can, even if it takes multiple lessons for them to get it right.

I've met moms that use the excuse "he's ONLY 2!" For many of them, it turns into he's ONLY 10!" And they excuse bad behaviors because it's typical of a ten year old. And ten years olds DO outgrow it, but only with redirection. Next thing you know, you have a 16 year old who calling in bomb threats and mom goes "Oh, lots of teens pull pranks, it's ok".

I have a DD who is severely disabled. At almost 3 she is non-mobile and non-verbal. She drools, her eyes wander. She appears to be "not quite there". And many of her doctors assume that. But I can tell you, that this child who appears to be less aware than a newborn, is actually very intelligent and capable of learning. She can get loud. Sometimes whiny. She doesn't speak, but she vocalizes. I've worked with her so she understands that interrupting is not polite, and yelling in a store is not polite. Her therapists told me they've never seen a parent discipline such a severely disabled child before, but they see that she CAN be taught! They also mostly assume the kids are "not all there". She's learning to kick her legs and I'm teaching her not to kick people. Because she might get bigger (we don't really know how long she'll live). If she gets to be 8 or 10, she might actually get big enough to hurt someone. And loud enough to disrupt people at the store or in a restaurant. I don't want to be the mom of the multiply disabled child who everyone tries to ignore while she screams at the top of her lungs at the mall. I've seen it happen many times. People stare, then pretend they weren't staring. They whisper to their friends about how they pity the person and their caregiver. But even though they feel bad for them, they are truly annoyed and wish they would just go away. I don't know if other people like my DD can be taught these things or not. I won't worry about them because they are not my responsibility. But my daughter CAN learn, and so I will teach her.

Never underestimate your child's ability to learn.
post #57 of 82
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heavenly View Post
Add me to the list of those who would be offended because you are not correcting your child. When she says that CC is not nice you should say to her, "CC is very nice, she just did something her Mommy didn't like," or "CC is just having a hard time right now but it is not okay to say she isn't nice." When she imitates CC whining you should say something like, "DD it isn't nice to make fun of other people." I am surprised at your attitude to the situation. How do you think children learn appropriate ways of behaving? It is your responsiblity to teach her appropriate social behaviour.

What's socially appropriate behavior is subjective and what's acceptable to me and my husband may not be appropriate to you or to another parent and vice versa. My husband and I will teach DD what's socially appropriate and acceptable behavior based on our rules for our household.

My attitude is because for me, what DD said and did isn't a big deal. The big issue for me is less about how I feel about it but about how CC and her mother feel about it which is why the situation was dealt with differently when we saw them yesterday.

Yesterday my daughter, not sure if she got it or not, learned a lesson in taking care of another persons feelings and I learned how to listen to a friend rather than shrug off her feelings just because it wasn't a big deal to me.

But the issue has been dealt with. A nice ending
post #58 of 82
Quote:
DD looks at her and tells her, "Not nice, CC! Not nice"
Where did she pick that up?
post #59 of 82
bandgeek: there is some truth to that. as in they are only 2 or only 10, or only 5, or only 12. all of those ages have issue and stages of development. do we not help them learn what is usually socially expectable? of course not. BUT i think that more people actually need to learn what is normal for a child of any age. i think we have this idea that they should behave like little adults, and that isn't right. YES they are smart, but just because they can talk and think, doesn't mean they "get" everything. and social issue really are family based. what i find expectable may not be what someone else finds ok. and what they think is ok, someone else might think is not ok. we tend to have general rules of how people should treat each other, but expecting all 2 years to get it and that all families agree on the same thing is a different thing all together.
also i think we tend to get embarrassed by our children's behavior and instead of teaching we react in a way to sort of shame them. i think the OP handled the situation really well.
and honestly, i think there is a lot of over reaction. all though i think what the OP did was wonderful and that it all worked out really well, the mother of CC could have easily have taken her child out of the situation and talked to her privately OR maybe the mom was "worried what others were thinking" and maybe over does the discipline. who knows.
someone else mentioned waiting room scenario, where it doesn't bug you to have your kid running around, BUT it probably bugs others. i don't see that as a good example. i think the general consensus would be that kids get bored, waiting rooms are boring, they will probably get restless and some people it wouldn't bother to have their kid running to and from the fish tank to tell them about the fish, BUT being that it is a closed space, most people would have their kids sit next to the tank and talk to them about it, OR take them for a walk outside the waiting room.
i think really when something is bothering someone, they need to speak up. i don't see it as reprimanding to say something. that is another place people need to chill about stuff. someone saying something to your child or to you, NICELY isn't a smack in your face. it is just a way for them to let you know that something is bugging them. how on earth would you know if (A) bothered me, if 1. it didn't bug you at all, 2. it never bugged you when other children did it. so if (A) bothers me, i need to let you know. but if i am afraid to talk to your child or you for fear you will think i am being mean, then instead i stay quiet and stop hanging around with you. SILLY! one of our greatest gifts as humans is our ability to communicate. when did it become such a huge drama to do it? why are we so overly sensitive?
post #60 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka View Post
I would be upset in this mothers shoes. Yeah two year olds are sometimes rude but it is your job as her parent to correct her and teach her better manners and to step in with god manners occaisionally. Honestly I would not put up with it for long before we found someone else to hang out with.
I agree
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