The very first night you were alone--question

[GranoLLLy-girl]

The very first night you spent without your now x---how did you handle it?
Did you have someone come over, did you cry alone, did you rage---what did you do?
That night is coming up for me. He is taking his things. We've been together 20 years and have rarely spent a night alone.
And of course, when he was away for business or whatever, I always knew he was coming back.
I am so heartbroken--although I know that this is the best thing.

I will have the kids.

Give some of your best tips for survival. I just want to curl up and die right now.
Why is this happening after 20 years together? People just walk by and I feel like screaming: don't you see what I am going through? STOP and talk to me, don't just breeze by! Hold my hand!

I know...it's nuts. It's still killing me.

[meemee]

it was a surprise for me. i was expecting EXACTLY what you were expecting.

but instead i was sooo EXCITED. no more waiting for ex to come home. it was a profound feeling of relief, joy and excitement. almost a hyper joy feeling where i wanted to do something but didnt know quite what. my whole inside danced the whole night. i was wide awake and did a bunch of thing.

but of course then the next night is when reality hit. and i am so so glad for my friends and mil. i talked almost the whole night thru. i cried. watched a movie. purposely watched a sad romantic movie and cried even harder.

hello you are breaking the history of TWENTY YEARS together. of course of course you are going to be sad and upset.

honestly for me - the best survival was actually feeling those feelings and dwelling in them. because after a while it gets old and you are sooo done with it.

it took me a looooooooooooong time to recover from the wanting and longing to have him back.

today in retrospect i will say it was a good thing i allowed myself to cry and weep and do all that - when i could after dd was asleep.

there was something v. spiritual about it. because after i was done, it was a huge profound feeling of like a pheonix rising from the ashes. seriously i was changed for ever. all the anger and disappointment for ex disappeared. suddenly life became an adventure.

and it still is an adventure.

however in those days of pain, i had a huge group of compassionate single divorced mom listerners from work and other places - people with whom i may not really be friends. they came out in droves to support me. because they remember.

but do you think i was listening. my pain was so so so deep that i never believed a word they said. i would not believe i would ever get joy back. that my joy would be far greater than before. i never thought i would ever be able to get out of the pain i was in. ever.

i would say have a few options open.

list them as being alone. or with someone.

have a girls evening or even have a friend stay overnight. but do it on the condition that you could cancel in the last moment.

because you wouldnt know what to do at untill the clock strikes 7 pm when dh was supposed to come home.

i know i dearly wanted to go for a walk outside. just a simple walk in teh cool air outside. but dd was asleep and i couldnt.

though i think the best medicine to actually take the bitter pill.

and be alone. and cry and weep yourself to sleep.

meet your greatest fear and see what that comes up with.

[doubledutch]

i'm sorry, mama. having someone come over is a good idea.

the first night i spent alone (with my kids) after telling stbx it was over, i was terrified. i had spent two nights at my mom's house three hours away, which were fine. i was exhausted and i slept awesome. but my first night without another adult, in the same town as stbx, was the fourth of july, and i didn't sleep well at all. there was constant noise waking me up, and i was really scared he was going to show up and pull one of his usual tirades of screaming and swearing at me for hours. i didn't feel like we were in real physical danger, but i definitely didn't feel safe.

in your case, it sounds like you have a ton of processing and grieving to do, lots of things to talk out, and cry out. make plans to stay up late with a good friend.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

thanks ladies---REAL words of GOOD advice and empathy. I appreciate it more than you know.

Doubledutch--I feel for you. I didn't have an abusive x, I had a neglectful one. One who was more of a business partner than a husband. People used to say: don't you two talk to each other? In retrospect, not much in the end.
But still, it was a shock when he said he was done. I guess I just never thought he'd actually leave. For one thing, I thought he was a better person than that. But now I know he's a very small person--in his heart and mind. He'd rather blame me for not working harder at the marriage than to take the bull by the horns an go to a counselor or whatever.
And after 20 years, it's a shame.

Even though I'm still scared...and still brokenhearted.

[meemee]

mama i just realised i recognised your name that i have seen here for a while and i am so sad to see you here.

here is one thing i want to say and i want you to just read it and keep it in teh deep recesses of your brain to look at it again when you are ready.

Originally Posted by GranoLLLy-girl

For one thing, I thought he was a better person than that. But now I know he's a very small person--in his heart and mind. He'd rather blame me for not working harder at the marriage than to take the bull by the horns an go to a counselor or whatever.

use your anger and grief now. its healthy. esp. anger. its an action emotion.

but in the long run - try seeing your ex in a different light. its much more easier to blame you than him. he would not be able to live iwth that. he knows exactly whom to blame. but then - is there a person to blame - you know.

i look back. it was my ex who first asked. and then i asked him to leave.

it really was the best gift he gave me. i really am grateful for all the pain that i went through. of course i dont blame him for that because he just left. whatever i went thru was my own issue - my own inablity to separate.

but it really helped to turn this and focus truly on me. to get away from teh blame. to get away from the whole ex factor.

and the gift i got from that was that i was able to have compassion for ex. that had an effect on our parenting. he never changed. but i did. and even though he still yells, its not that harsh or painful. dd has now learnt to roll her eyes at his anger towards me. not get mad and upset as she used to. doesnt mean she disrespects him. but that just sees his anger for what it is. a temper tantrum of a 4 year old, because he cant get his way.

i feel so sad for ex. i still love and care for him - because the good man within him still exists. but not as a lover or even as a friend. but as an appreciation of another human being who has qualities that i would like to have myself.

so anyways. now you can put this away and go back to your anger (if you have any) and grieving. that is normal and what you have to do now. but just remember these words if you would like some peace when you are ready for it.

aint saying i am jesus you know. just that i am at a great place. so even though ex left ME i was the one who benefitted out of this the most.

[Purple*Lotus]

My husband went to jail for punching me. That was the first night I was alone. Only the second night ever that I had been alone in a house. I had this overwhelming need for another human being to know that I was alive. So I texted a friend when I was going to bed. Then I cried myself to sleep.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

[kryztuh]

I cried. Lots. And held my baby's hand as I fell asleep. I still do.

[Learning_Mum]

I had my friend come over and stay the night.

[Super~Single~Mama]

My mom came to stay with me while I got my own apartment and got my life sorted out. It was super helpful, and I really needed her.

[Learning_Mum]

Originally Posted by thyra

My mom came to stay with me while I got my own apartment and got my life sorted out. It was super helpful, and I really needed her.

My parents were with me pretty much 24/7 for a the first few weeks. I don't know what I would have done without them.

[MissLotus]

My ex was so very difficult to live with that the day he moved out, I felt 100% relief that he was gone. I was just so glad for the tension in the house to be gone, to be at peace, and after my son went to bed I watched old movies and honestly... I felt happy. It may be different for you, if you didn't have that sort of dynamic with your ex. But it's a wonderful, wonderful thing to have your life back after being in an unhealthy relationship. It may take you some time to reach that perspective, I realize. But I hope you do, because it's true.

[chatsalot]

I felt relief TBH and i played with our child and had probably the best night of sleep I had in a long time. the current night during the divorce have been MUCH harder for me. stbx was extremely emotionally and physically abusive.

[Roxanne600]

I felt so relieved and at peace. After I put the kids to bed (much less stressful without stbx yelling about how it was taking so long), I poured myself a glass of wine, popped in Netflix, and browsed this forum.

[StephandOwen]

For the first time in months, I slept in a bed. But ex and I were only living together for 3 months (we moved in a month before ds was born and ds and I left right before he turned 2 months old). Before ds was born I had to sleep in a recliner because of heartburn. After he was born I couldn't co-sleep with him (ex and I only had an air mattress). Ex slept in the bedroom on an air mattress and I slept on the couch in the living room. DS slept in a bassinet next to me (or on me on the couch.... bad co-sleeping though). By the time I left ex I was sooooo ready to sleep in a bed again that I had no problem snuggling up next to my little dude and sleeping

[MommatoAandA]

Well, we have gone back and forth quite bit. The last time I had my own place, I slept with my baby and nursed her and just tried to not spontaneously combust. I believe the second and third night I Ex had my kids and I had a friend sleep over.

This time I am at my parents and sooo uncomfortable. I was so tired last night that I put my baby in bed with me and drifted off. I am going to be working towards having my own place. I worry about all the logistical things more than anything, money, childcare, how will I work, the jeep is about to break. I wish you luck, love, and light in this trying time. ((HUGS))

[Goodmom2008]

My cousin came over for a little while after I managed to get my kids to sleep. The day my ex and I split was very chaotic. My son had his 6th birthday party that afternoon. Later, when we got home, my ex lost it and ended up with a restraining order. I had the pleasure of canceling the family party the next day after everything had somewhat calmed down. It didn't help that it was downpouring that day (and for the whole week after the split).

Looking back, I still wonder how I got through that time. It was mostly just the kids and me. I asked my mom to come to NJ, she said no.

Do just the bare minimum of what needs to be done. A clean house isn't what is important. Helping the kids is and healing yourself is.