I need help figuring out what is normal in 3 year olds

[twin_mama]

I know there is no "normal" but would love to hear where your 3 year olds are developmentally.

I have 3yr3m old twin daughters. One is a little easier going and one is very stubborn and strong willed and prefers that mama does everything for her.

Does your 3 year old:

-move the step stool and put the potty seat on the toilet on their own?

-wipe their bottom by themself (at least with pee)?

-get dressed or at least TRY to on their own?

-put shoes on without help or at least TRY to?

-will get a toy they want from their room on their own or will they beg and plead with you to get it when you are busy dealing with something else?


I'm starting to feel like a maid and am wondering when it's time to start shifting responsibility from myself to my daughter for at least some of these little daily chores. I believe her to be capable...just not willing. It's easier for mama to do it.

[sunnygir1]

I'm sure you'll get some great ideas from other parents here, but here's how things are around our house...

Dd is 3.5 years old.
She does not use a stool to get onto the toilet or a potty seat, but she uses a stool to wash her hands in the bathroom and to see/help in the kitchen. She usually moves it on her own, but sometimes whines and cries trying to get me to move it for her. Sometimes I do it, and sometimes I let her throw a fit until she's ready to do it herself.

Dd does not ask me to wipe her bottom when she pees, but then again, I'm not certain she does it herself either. When she poops she usually asks for help, but that's what I want her to do.

She gets dressed on her own several times a day and leaves the clothes she takes off all over the house. But when something doesn't go right she screams as though someone is ripping her toenails out and wants me to help. She refuses to try when she doesn't want to.

She is pretty good about shoes this week, but recently went through a phase where she wouldn't even try to put her own shoes on and would have a complete meltdown about being asked to do so.

She doesn't ask me to get toys, but gets really upset about having to clean up, "it's too big a mess!"

My dd is relatively compliant for her age, but what I'm getting at is that there are struggles no matter what. If it isn't about getting dressed, it's about getting undressed. If it isn't about getting toys, it's about putting toys away. I do think it's okay to stand by and let them have their emotions about whatever frustration it is and offer help when it seems reasonable to do so. By 3 I would say you shouldn't be bending over backward to do everything FOR your lo, but they do still need a lot of help.

[luvmybaby333]

Well... my daughter turned 2 in May, but I can answer some of those questions.

Does your 3 year old:

-move the step stool and put the potty seat on the toilet on their own?

She doesn't use a stool. She started climbing on the big toilet by herself when she was about 17 months. Had she needed one, she likely would have moved it herself. She was very into doing the potty-business on her own.

-wipe their bottom by themself (at least with pee)?

Not usually. I have to remind her (if I catch her going to the bathroom) but more often than not, I go behind her and do it again to make sure it's done well. I think many children in the 2-4 range have difficulties performing this task properly. It's a muscle development issue more than a behavior issue.

-get dressed or at least TRY to on their own?

She can dress herself sometimes. She will try on her own if we ask. She can get it right sometimes. Mostly, though, she likes to undress herself. She's like a little naked ninja. I can turn around for 5 seconds and when I turn back, she'll be completed nude. *sigh*

-put shoes on without help or at least TRY to?

She's done this for quite awhile. She just loves shoes, though. She obviously needs help with tennis shoes or shoes that are too snug, but we haven't worn many of those recently. Usually I'll point out the pair of sandals that I want her to wear and she puts them on herself. For some reason she never gets the sides wrong, either. (Which baffles me since I suffer from a form of dyslexia and that task took me forever to master. LOL)

-will get a toy they want from their room on their own or will they beg and plead with you to get it when you are busy dealing with something else?

I can't think of a single time that she's asked me to get her a toy. I can't even think of a reason for her to ask me that. The only things she asks me for are things that she can't reach or get herself. (And that's after exhausting ever attempt to get it on her own.) Every morning when she wakes up she belts out: I wanna play wif barbies! and she runs into her bedroom to get them herself. (Unfortunately she has been ended most of her nights in OUR room, in spite of starting them in her room... but that's neither here nor there, I suppose. )


Honestly, Aurora is independent to a fault. There are things she needs help with sometimes, but she really has to try herself to death before she'll accept assistance. When she was teaching herself to use the potty, it had to be completely on HER terms. If I so much as suggested a potty break, she would stubbornly refuse-- even if it meant having an accident, which she didn't enjoy. She taught herself many tasks earlier than what seems to be the norm, simply because she doesn't like relying on help from others. She's quite stubborn.

I think the average toddler/ preschooler is somewhere between Aurora and having to depend on their parents for everything. Her older sister was very much in the middle. She allowed me to help her with some things, while slowly branching out into doing things for herself. She was never a "Do this for me, Mommy!" kinda kid either, though. She just wasn't quite as motivated to be independent at such a young age. I know I had to assist her with wiping on up to at least 4. She PLed at an average age between 2-2½, but she just wasn't coordinated enough to efficiently wipe her own butt after pooping. Truth be known, she's 7½ now and she still isn't fantastic at it... but I draw the line at wiping the butt of a child not too far off from needing training bras full-time.

Obviously there is a wide range of "normal". But at 3, I think perhaps your DD should be able to retrieve a toy for herself if she desires it. I think it couldn't hurt to encourage a little more independence. I wouldn't stress about it though. Children all develop emotionally and physically at very different rates.

[earthworm]

My 3.5 can do all of those things, but he doesn't necessarily do them every single time.
Here are some things that work for us!
I've noticed if I tell him to do something, then it's probably downhill from there. So I'll say, "We're going to go to the store. Here are your clothes!" and then go on doing whatever else I need to do (nearby). If he asks for help, I'll help him. It's not worth the struggle, in my opinion. He doesn't ask for help that often.
Or I make it a game if it seems like that will work better. He's into space so I'll say something like, "Better put your spacesuit on!! We're about to get in our spaceship!" or incorporate whatever he is playing at the time.
Or I'll pretend like I cannot figure out how to put his clothes on/move his stool/etc (and act REALLY goofy about it, hah) and he will usually do it himself or we will do it together at the very least.
As for the shoes, I accidentally left them out one time (my 1 year old is obsessed with shoes/putting things in his mouth, so we have to put them out of the way) and found him practicing putting them on himself. Ever since then, he's been more interested in putting his shoes on by himself. He probably only does it 50% of the time or less though. I think it is hard for him and he truly isn't sure he can do it sometimes.
My son uses a small potty at home. He uses it and empties it (that one caught me by surprise!) by himself, so I can't say much about bigger ones. He is usually very unsure of himself when he does use a bigger one though. This usually comes out as, "I caaaaaan't!!!" etc.
I know that when he had just turned 3, he didn't do much at all by himself. I would push it, he would resist. Eventually I just stopped worrying about it and did whatever he felt like he "needed" me to do, though I still gave him opportunities to do it himself. Gradually he has started doing more and more.
Does she help out around the house? Maybe let her see she can do things by letting her help in situations where there is no time limit or the pressure of her wanting something like with the toys. My son likes unloading the dishwasher, helping with the laundry, cooking, etc.
My son has had a big burst of independence/bravery (he used to refuse to do EVERYTHING because he was scared/"scared") very recently. Hopefully it will happen with your daughter soon!

[LynnS6]

I've got one child who likes to be served, one who really would prefer to do it on her own. It really helped me to read "The 5 Love Languages of Children". "Acts of Service" is definitely one of ds' love languages.

-move the step stool and put the potty seat on the toilet on their own? Ds wouldn't use a big potty at all at this age. In fact, he wasn't potty trained at all until 3 years 4 mo. He wasn't poop trained for a few more months.

Dd would have, but again we used a little potty (partly so I didn't have to).

-wipe their bottom by themself (at least with pee)? Dd yes, ds no (though with pee it was a moot point). We had to bribe ds to wipe himself when he was 5 1/2. (Hence my use of the term 'potty training' rather than 'potty learning'. He was trained.) Dd didn't wipe herself until about 4, and even then she SHOULD have had help as she didn't always do a great job with poop.

-get dressed or at least TRY to on their own? Ds would try IF I stood there with him. Dd would try on her own.

-put shoes on without help or at least TRY to? Ds, no. Dd, yes.

-will get a toy they want from their room on their own or will they beg and plead with you to get it when you are busy dealing with something else?
Neither of them would with any regularity. Ds especially had pretty intense separation anxiety and really didn't like to be in rooms away from us.

[sunnygir1]

Originally Posted by luvmybaby333

Well... my daughter turned 2 in May, but I can answer some of those questions.

My dd is 3.5 and my responses would have been completely different a year ago. She is much more likely to try to get me to do things for her now. I try to balance helping her in reasonable ways (especially when she asks nicely) with encouraging her to do things herself. I would probably let her go without if she insisted I get a toy from her room...but we don't have a history of that. Maybe you could start working on it by going with her.

[lonegirl]

-move the step stool and put the potty seat on the toilet on their own? yes...he has been doing this since around 2ish (but we also EC'd with him)
-wipe their bottom by themself (at least with pee)?
can but always asks for us....
-get dressed or at least TRY to on their own? no he puts up a huge battle if I ask him to try. If I start it (shirt over head, feet in leg holes) he will finish
-put shoes on without help or at least TRY to? only his Crocs
-will get a toy they want from their room on their own or will they beg and plead with you to get it when you are busy dealing with something else? Sometimes....but rather we were doing something with him.....but if I say feel free to grab your DS/Itouch or play xbox...then no problems at all

[~cassie]

Does your 3 year old:

-move the step stool and put the potty seat on the toilet on their own?
We don't use a step stool/potty seat, but he would do that himself. He uses the stepstool to wash his hands.

-wipe their bottom by themself (at least with pee)?
He can't with poop(and he isn't pooping on potty)but he tries with pee. He usually just shakes and goes

-get dressed or at least TRY to on their own?
Yes.

-put shoes on without help or at least TRY to?
He can put his crocs and his sandals on by himself. His tennis shoes are hard for him to do, but he does have low tone and it's difficult for him to manipulate things.

-will get a toy they want from their room on their own or will they beg and plead with you to get it when you are busy dealing with something else?
He ges what he wants when he wants it. He's very strong willed and all "do it myself"

[lach]

The answer to all of those is:

Yes, she can. Whether she will, or whether she'll have a kicking, screaming, rolling on the floor, yelling "NO I DON'T WANT TO YOU DO IT I CAN'T DO IT IT'S TOO HAAAAAAARD" depends on her mood, the tides, the alignment of the stars, whether she got enough sleep, and so forth. So far as I can tell, there's little rhyme or reason to her moods.

Based on everything I've heard from my friends who have had 3 year olds, it's a really, really tough age. I can't say that I disagree.

ETA: sometimes the tantrum is because I helped her do something (moved the stool to the potty for her, for example) that she apparently wanted to do herself. Heck, sometimes she tantrums so I just do the task, and then she tantrums because I did it! Sometimes she's very independent, sometimes she's very compliant when I ask her to do something... and sometimes she's very, very not. It's a fun age!

[Maela]

Originally Posted by sunnygir1

She gets dressed on her own several times a day and leaves the clothes she takes off all over the house. But when something doesn't go right she screams as though someone is ripping her toenails out and wants me to help. She refuses to try when she doesn't want to.

Oh this is SO my Dd too!


Yes, she does all these things (I wipe poop though), but there are battles every day. She's kind of got a "bad temper." She gets frustrated super easily. Just like her mama.

Oh, and she just turned three last month.

[Dingletwitz]

Originally Posted by lach

The answer to all of those is:

Yes, she can. Whether she will, or whether she'll have a kicking, screaming, rolling on the floor, yelling "NO I DON'T WANT TO YOU DO IT I CAN'T DO IT IT'S TOO HAAAAAAARD" depends on her mood, the tides, the alignment of the stars, whether she got enough sleep, and so forth. So far as I can tell, there's little rhyme or reason to her moods.

Based on everything I've heard from my friends who have had 3 year olds, it's a really, really tough age. I can't say that I disagree.

ETA: sometimes the tantrum is because I helped her do something (moved the stool to the potty for her, for example) that she apparently wanted to do herself. Heck, sometimes she tantrums so I just do the task, and then she tantrums because I did it! Sometimes she's very independent, sometimes she's very compliant when I ask her to do something... and sometimes she's very, very not. It's a fun age!

I'm laughing with your post!!! Here, I am very quick to offer a "re-do" or a "try again". So today you don't want help with getting your panties up, and I just pulled them up. You're freaking out, so can I try it again and then you can do it? And the next time it doesn't go your way, you could absolutely use big-girl words to explain it. Dd (3.5) and her freakouts. whoa. I've become intolerant of whining. It's amazing how fast it creeps up. Absentmindedly, I began to do things just to MAKE IT STOP, which is the pure beauty of it. So now, I ask her to try again with "big girl words" b/c I can't quite understand the whine. My ears just don't understand that language. "you get it for meeeeeeeeee". Not if you're physically and intellectually able. I don't say that type of thing or make those kinds of demands myself, so it's not culturally relevant in our home, and I can absolutely help her with our household ways.

Incidentally, in my own family of origin, the freakout would have ended in a spanking, and a sad and dejected, misunderstood will-less girl. Thank goodness I figured out a much more effective way to help a child learn things. I just cross my fingers she figures out the threes in a continually upward slope. 99% of the time, we have a fabulous scene here. But the 1%--it is Loud.

[Fuamami]

Yes, to all except wiping...at preschool.

At home, he often wants help. If he's had a full day of attention from me or dh, which is rare because he has two older siblings, then he will be more willing to do things himself. Otherwise, he either wanders off and doesn't do it, or insists on help.

Your twins both sound normal. My middle child loves clothes, and he has loved to dress himself for a long time. My other two have always needed more assistance.

[St. Margaret]

DD will ask for help finding a toy if she can't spot it right away, but we do encourage her to really look (ie dig through the bin) on her own; sometimes it works, sometimes not. But cleaning up toys is the real issue. We just want her to help when we clean up. We use bins for everything so it's super easy... but lately we're getting a lot of flopping on the couch and claiming she's too tired... and also it's too much for her. We try to limit overwhelming stuff, tell her however many beads or pompoms she gets out, she'll have to put away... sigh. It's a struggle for sure. I find that if I tell her ONE thing to get, then another one thing, etc, and make it into a game (lately it's that my right foot is scared of everything, so she puts those things away to make the foot nto scared ) then we can have great success.

She just recently could get onto the toilet on her own. She can wipe her pee if she stands, and gets her pants partway up and comes for help then. We wipe poo.

She can't fully dress herself. We're working on steps of the process-- sometimes, with some items, she's done it all. But she needs a little helps with getting things oriented and over her head, arms in, etc. She can definitely do her shoes, but I made sure this time to get the kind where the straps don't lace through metal but just go over to the velcro... of course then she showed me she could totally redo the lacing of the staps on her sandles she's still wearing!

I'm very excited about the potty developments b/c I'm expecting in Nov, and if she can at least get on the potty on her own, I'm golden, no accidents just b/c I'm stuck nursing... until she regresses But she's been out of diapers for over a year. The shoes thing, too, and finally being able to climb in and out of her car seat, too.

[leighi123]

Does your 3 year old:

-move the step stool and put the potty seat on the toilet on their own?
yes, he has a little step stool that he moves around the house where he needs it (lightweight plastic one), and a wood 2-step one that he moves around in the kitchen where he needs it.
He doesnt usually use a stool for the potty though, sense he was around 2 he just climbs up. He used a potty seat for a short time, and he put it on himself from before he was 2. He was potty trained from 8months for poop and 17 for pee

-wipe their bottom by themself (at least with pee)?
He tries if I tell him to! He usually needs some 'redoing' b/c his poops are pretty gross due to food allergies a lot of the time

-get dressed or at least TRY to on their own?
He puts on his own underware and shorts, button up shirts he puts on but I button, t-shirts he needs help with, mostly b/c his head is giant but his body is small so its hard to get most shirts on him (even for me)

-put shoes on without help or at least TRY to?
non-soft sole shoes (like flip flops/crocs), he puts on himself, I have him do that in the carseat on our way to wherever. sometimes he puts them on the wrong feet.
Soft sole shoes he cant put on himself yet.

-will get a toy they want from their room on their own or will they beg and plead with you to get it when you are busy dealing with something else?
He will go get it. He also goes and gets ME stuff if I need it (i.e. please go get me an extra fork from the kitchen, I forgot one'

He turned 3 a month ago.

[prothyraia]

My 3 year old (will be 4 in November)

-move the step stool and put the potty seat on the toilet on their own?
N/A (just clambers up onto the toilet)

-wipe their bottom by themself (at least with pee)?
Has just barely started showing interest in wiping his own butt, every once in a great while.


-get dressed or at least TRY to on their own?
Puts pants on by himself, gets arms in sleeves by himself after I pull the shirt over his head


-put shoes on without help or at least TRY to?
Yes.
(my two year old also does this)

-will get a toy they want from their room on their own or will they beg and plead with you to get it when you are busy dealing with something else?
Gets own toys (sometimes climbing up the shelves to do so), unless it's something large or heavy
(two year old does this as well)

[lach]

Originally Posted by St. Margaret

DD will ask for help finding a toy if she can't spot it right away, but we do encourage her to really look (ie dig through the bin) on her own; sometimes it works, sometimes not. But cleaning up toys is the real issue. We just want her to help when we clean up. We use bins for everything so it's super easy... but lately we're getting a lot of flopping on the couch and claiming she's too tired... and also it's too much for her. We try to limit overwhelming stuff, tell her however many beads or pompoms she gets out, she'll have to put away... sigh. It's a struggle for sure. I find that if I tell her ONE thing to get, then another one thing, etc, and make it into a game (lately it's that my right foot is scared of everything, so she puts those things away to make the foot nto scared ) then we can have great success.

Cleaning is a real issue here too. She's very polite about it, though.

"Hey, sweetie, can you put that away before you take something else out?"
"Um, no thank you."
"Pumpkin, come on. Here, I'll help."
"Uh, no thank you. I just going to play with this now."
"No, this needs to go away first. It's taking up the whole floor."
"No, it's fine. It can stay there. I play over here."
"Come on, you put this piece away, and I'll do this one..."
"Um, you can do it all. I just going to play with this now."
"Just put this one piece away and I'll do all the rest. Look, Momma's putting them all away. You just do this one."
"I need a snack. I think I hear the baby."

I figure I should start having her study for the LSATs now, because she's going to make one heck of a lawyer.

[mizzoh]

at that age ds wouldn't do any of those things. he's always preferred our "help" when it comes to stuff like that. now at 4.5 he does all the things you mentioned except putting on his own shoes ( he wont even try, *sigh*) and wiping his bum

[luvmybaby333]

Originally Posted by sunnygir1

My dd is 3.5 and my responses would have been completely different a year ago. She is much more likely to try to get me to do things for her now. I try to balance helping her in reasonable ways (especially when she asks nicely) with encouraging her to do things herself. I would probably let her go without if she insisted I get a toy from her room...but we don't have a history of that. Maybe you could start working on it by going with her.

I presume that only the beginning of your response was directed at me?

Anywho, being that the question was one of developmental "averages", I figured that since I had a child younger (but capable of doing many of those things) I would be able to weigh on on the fact that some children are able to complete those tasks by that age. If it is a question of a child that used to do those things, but no longer does, then that is clearly a behavioral issue and a completely separate matter from the start. If I had a 5-year-old currently able to complete those tasks, then I would not have shared my experiences, as that really wouldn't provide information on whether or not a younger child can do those things. But being that a 2-year-old can do them, I thought it would be safe to assume that older children (on average) could potentially have the capability of doing them, as well.

[EarthMommy80]

Does your 3 year old:

-move the step stool and put the potty seat on the toilet on their own?
DS has not potty learned and quite frankly wants nothing to do with the toilette, but uses a stool to wash hands and I get the stool for him to do so.

-wipe their bottom by themself (at least with pee)?
Like I said, we aren't using the potty with DS yet.

-get dressed or at least TRY to on their own?
No, but he will pick out and bring me clothes he would like to wear... when he's in the mood for clothes

-put shoes on without help or at least TRY to?
Does not put them on, on his own but will TRY to help.

-will get a toy they want from their room on their own or will they beg and plead with you to get it when you are busy dealing with something else?
Both.... most the time he will get his toy on his own, but there are times when he is needy/whiney and begs me to do it.


My girls were nothing like DS, and they were a bit more independent with the exception of DD2 who has ASD. I just try to oblige to the needs of the individual child. Sometimes it can feel like the job of a maid, but it usualy just feels like the job of a parent to be extra helpful to a 3 year old

[ShadowMoon]

DS will get toys and other things on his own but cannot dress himself yet or put his shoes and socks on. He is not potty trained yet either. He can move a step stool around and brush his teeth and wash his hands.