WHY am I soooo dumb

[MommatoAandA]

I took my EX back. We are divorced. I made a new user name here.. But I am just so mad. I caved, folded. I am a loser and an idiot. He does the same stuff over and over and no matter how much he does it, I take him back if he manipulates, calls, and tries hard enough. He humiliates me, doesn't trust me, is insecure, talks about me to his family (who hate me because of it) is self centered and selfish.

SO EFFING POED RIGHT NOW..

I signed up for counseling and to get back on my meds (I have bi-polar). I left him tonight because I caught him texting my SIL about how he can't trust me and she suggested putting a TRACKING DEVICE ON MY CAR? He asked her HOW to do it? ARE YOU SERIOUS???? That is PSYCHO. He insists I have cheated on him, which every time we have separated we have both had relationships with other people, he is fixated that I left him for other men, he cannot admit his issues.

I need to get myself well so I can make some unclouded decisions. I mean I almost remarried him and was temping to TTC. I'm not saying I am making the best decisions, hence the need for counseling and my meds. I just wanted to vent. I am really scared and unsure of things right now. UGH

[PoppyMama]

It happens. Definitely get to counseling and get back on your meds, you'll be thinking so much clearer after that. Don't beat yourself up, it's a waste of time. Use all that energy to move on

[princesstutu]

You're not dumb. You're human. Welcome to the club.

You're doing well by focusing on you and doing what you need to do in order to feel better and live the life you want. Keep going. Don't give up on yourself and learn from the things you perceive as mistakes. It's the most any of us can do.

Good luck!

[DCMama01]

I wish I could hug you! I agree, you're just human.

[kryztuh]

[Halfasianmomma]

Please don't berate yourself like this mama. My entire family struggles with bi-polar disorder and unless they are on the right meds, properly dosed, as well as in counselling, a lot of dramatic things happen in their lives. It comes with the territory.

Also, what happened what meant to happen so you could finally come to the realization that a) you are definitely not meant to be with this man and b) you may need some support to get healthier. This is all good stuff!

[meemee]

seriously i dont know. why are you dumb?

so get pissed off. beat yourself a little more.

but be glad you are not THAT dumb. just a little bit dumb. you dont have a bun in the oven.

guess what?!!! this dumbness of yours was really good. you didnt know all of this which is why you did the dumb act.

and so now you know. and so you will make other dumb decisions, but never repeat this one again.

and yeah btw i was dumb enough to want my emotionally abusive ex back for the whole first year of our separation. TG he wanted none of that. otherwise i would be writing your post.

now you and i are both even. so lets drop the dumb talk and say you are sooo smart that you realised your 'dumb' mistake before it got even more complicated.

[mexicali mami]

Wow...are you me?

Seriously, before I got started on my meds I was either going to TTC another LO or leave DH...I couldn't decide which one. Mental illness is scary business, you make decisions that affect the rest of your life. I also don't know the difference between effect and affect but that's a different story.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. Making mistakes is how we learn. Working hard to try and save you family is worth it. Even if in the end it was a bad decision, at least you tried. And now you know better. We all just do the best we can at the time and try to move forward and not backwards. I still haven't gotten the courage to leave DH but I'm also not getting pregnant and we are talking about making the separation easier for DS this time. Yes, this time. Cause I came back once already.

Best wishes cyber twin..

[provocativa]

oh mama, i make terrible decisions too and i'm not even bi-polar! it's just part of being human. for me, i choose mates based on the love i had from my dad, which was alcoholic verbally abusive love- even though my dad has been sober for over 20 years and quit the abuse with the alcohol. congrats on figuring it out before getting pg! getting of wheat or other allergens can help the bi-polar, after the meds get you stabilized. i think you should be dancing in celebration rather than berating yourself because you figured it out before you got pg!

[MommatoAandA]

Thanks everyone. WOW. I was a little scared to come back here because I just couldn't take anymore berating. Thank you all soooo much for understanding. I appreciate it.

I gave up my apartment on august 1. What a mistake that was. So now I am staying with my parents. I literally left, left all our things and came here. Its going to majorly suck for awhile. I have a few things to take care of like paying off my jeep and then bringing it to be fixed, the insurance will be due in December and I want to be sure to be able to pay the year up front. Save enough for an apartment and some bare minimum furnishings. I just am sooo thankful I decided to stop everything when I did, this was a disaster waiting to happen. My therapist was not going to be able to see me until August 30 and I insisted upon earlier since I NEED meds. Now to just find the right one and dosage. I did manage to get back there to get some clothes and toiletries and medication, diapers and a friend let me borrow 40$ for gas, more diapers, and some random expenses. Thank god we still have food stamps.

I go back to work Monday from a pretty long break because of a back injury.

[princesstutu]

We're all about the love, here, dah-lin!

[vannienicole]

[CrazyCatLady]

I'm schizo-affective and I married my abusive ex husband twice. He's been gone for a few months, I have a restraining order on him, and I still debate calling him up and trying to reconcile sometimes. Doing crazy/not so smart things does come with the bi-polar territory. Being bi-polar does lead to a lot more chaotic lifestyle. You are not dumb and hopefully now you've learned from this mistake (for good!)

I choose to go it with out meds. I'm in a lot of therapy and just muster up all the self control that I can when needed. But if you want to be back on meds then that would probably do wonders for your decision making skills.

I have no real advice. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that it's ok to make the mistake of going back to an ex...many other ladies have done the same thing (bi-polar or not). Just learn from it and move on the best you can, for you and especially for your kids.

Take care of yourself.