How would you parent in this situation?

[Theia]

The details:
I am a full time single mom who also stays home full time. I get about 6 hours a week away from my DD. I have PTSD and a v. short fuse. I'm in counseling and medicated which is helping immensely. I try hard to be only gentle with my DD but it's really hard given my own personal issues. I am unable to work due to an injury and I am grateful that I get to stay home with my DD as a single parent. But that also means it's all me all the time.

DD is 2.5 and a bright sweet child. Very normal with lots of boundary pushing and other toddler behaviors.

So I am overwhelmed to say the least. DD and I are together almost all the time except for 2 times a week when her wonderful sitter comes over and I go to my appointments or just out to shop or whatever alone. Which is a huge step because I never left her alone before February.

I'm so nervous typing this, like my hands started shaking as soon as I started this post. I've read Alfie Kohn but putting that into practice is really hard at times. When my DD hits at me or throws something towards me, especially my face, I get triggered and really upset. It usually comes out as anger. I've started using time-outs because it gives both of us a cooling down period. I need a few minutes to reset my emotional balance. Afterwards I go to DD, sit down in front of her, we both apologize, hug, kiss and hug again and then go on.

I read on another thread about Playful Parenting, and I think I am going to buy that cuz I need something I can refer to frequently rather than just read it once. My counselor also suggested that I find a book or other resource that will outline what is approximately normal for different ages/stages of development. I'd appreciate any suggestions for that as well.

I just worry cuz I have responses to DD's actions that are inappropriate to the situation. And I do realize that all of us have less than stellar parenting moments, so I'm not seeking perfection. I just feel that I don't have the right tools. I don't know of any other single sahm's who don't have someone to rely on, vent to, help out or just be there. I'm very intimidated by social situations, part of my PTSD. So I don't have a strong local support network (family lives in another state), it's superficial at best. And I know that is something I need to correct, and I'm working on it. But I don't think that is the only thing DD and I need.

So if you were a single sahm to a wonderful bright toddler and you had my personal complications, how would you parent? How would you handle the day to day non-stop always on full-time parenting?

[HappyMommy2]

It is hard mama! I'm not in your situation, but being "on" all the time sucks! SAHMing is hard! Is there a neighbor girl (tween-age or teen-age) that could be a mama's helper?

These come cheaper (like $4-5/hour -- because you are home). If she could play with your DD in the backyard, or the living room, for a couple hours after school, it might help you a lot. You could shower, or do the dishes, or read a magazine in your room.

[zebra15]

By the time my son was 2.5 he was able to play independetly for up to 30 mins at a time. We could be in the same room but he would be working alone, or he would be in another room playing with thomas the train, watching tv, playing blocks etc.
We also had a fully fenced yard so he could go outside alone.

I would also seek outside activites that you can do together to get out of the house... the library, the park, playgroups etc... SAHM doesnt mean you have to stay home . There are lots of free things to do, you just need to find them.

I dont know how you feel about TV or DVD"s but my son loved them and learned to read via 'closed caption'.

So what I guess im saying is you both need more space, possibly new activites tossed in to the mix. I forget where you are but if the weather is going to be cold/winter soon I would definately take advantage of what summer is left.

[Theia]

I agree that DD and I both need more outside activities. And she does have independent play at times. We are apartment dwellers. There is a large play area in our complex but it's full of much older kids usually and that worries me that they would hurt DD.

I am working on getting us out more, it's a long process though given what we've been through the past couple years. Is that the only thing that we need to do though?

On the Mothers Helper idea.... I don't know of any older children I'd trust. But it's something I could keep in consideration.

[lolar2]

Is there a preschool that she'd be able to get a scholarship for, maybe? So you could get more of a break?

[lisalu100]

There is a thread in personal growth called Parenting and Rage that I am finding helpful right now.

[Theia]

Thank you for the suggestion lolar2. I've not tried to put her in preschool or care for many reasons. Mostly financial and the ones I've read about really only take FT students.

Lisalu - I've posted on the Parenting and Rage thread. It is helpful. Sometimes it's hard for me to read because I get triggered by stuff. TY though.

I just wish there would be something out there that would help me parent the way I want despite my personal limitations. I know we all have personal limitations that effect our parenting, but the PTSD takes things out of the boundaries of much of what I've read on parenting.

[crunchy_mommy]

Wow I can't imagine -- I have some similar issues but I rely heavily on DH. I am also triggered by DS's actions at times and if I couldn't "hand him off" to DH occasionally I feel like the stress & PTSD would just be too much to handle. I hope you are able to really build a support network, that could help a ton.

One thing I do with DS is keep our days pretty active & spend lots & lots of time out of the house. We are constantly on the go, sometimes 3-4 activities in a day, and hardly spend any time at home (except sometimes naps while I'm working). He is so much happier when we're out & the days are just so much easier to manage. I don't know what we'll do when it's winter and too cold to do many of our usual activities! But I'd also encourage you to join a mom's group if you haven't already -- it took me some time to feel comfortable in the group I'm in but now not only am I comfortable & DS and I have lots of fun activities with the group, but I'm also forming some great REAL friendships and I desperately needed that.

Also I wouldn't worry too much about older kids hurting your DD at the play area -- I mean, obviously you have to be 'on guard' a bit, but I have found most of the older kids are incredibly good with my 18mo (or they just ignore him)... and if we have a bad experience we just move to another piece of play equipment or leave (and the 'bad' experiences are generally with ~3yo's who are at that 'tough' age, most kids older than that seem to be much more able to play nicely with him).

I think too having extra help occasionally would go a long way -- whether that's the mother's helper a pp mentioned, or having family come stay with you for a week every few months (if that would be a "good" thing for you), or making friends with another mom or two & trade off childcare (you can also trade 'supervised time' so another mom comes and watches her kid & yours while you do something in another room, and you do the same for her & her kid, but you're always right there if your DD really needs you & it's less overwhelming to either mom to watch the kids).

Finally, you need to heal yourself. And you need to do what you need to do to 'survive' right now as well. So I don't know what that means for you, but whether it's taking medication/herbs to take the edge off the PTSD or getting intensive therapy or stopping therapy altogether temporarily -- you need to do what will get you to a better place.

[rightkindofme]

I'm in a different position. I'm not a single parent, but my partner is out of the house for 50-60 hours a week. I'm also pregnant (due date in 8 days) so that kind of lowers what I'm able to handle. (I'm a terrible pregnant person. I'm nasty and mean and have zero patience.) I also have PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I go through bouts of major Depression. Fun!

It's a process. I give myself lots of space for time outs when *I* need it. My daughter is well versed in, "Ohhhh... Mommy needs time out right now." She's very patient with me.

I know that there are folks on MDC who dislike the expression "Choose your battles" but that's kind of my mantra. I only focus on the big things. When I'm having a low energy day (which is more often than not while I'm pregnant) I just... choose not to notice when she is doing stuff that isn't my favorite. I have accepted that my house/life are more chaotic than I would strictly speaking like. I try hard to pick a few things and be SOOOOPER consistent with them. Like, the vast majority of our 'don't do that' rules are based on safety and when I tell my daughter she has to stop I really do expect instant compliance or she gets time out. 9/10 times she follows through because I don't tell her to stop very often and she recognizes the more intense tone of voice. I know that time out is not popular amongst all people on MDC but I think it can be done in a respectful/loving way. I go with her to the couch and we sit and talk about why she is in time out and why we have the rule in the first place. She can have all the kisses and hugs she wants. I do a lot of reflecting her feelings while we sit in time out.

I think it makes the biggest difference that she is extremely unusually verbal for her age. I don't know how I would handle a less verbal child. That would be really tough.

Mostly, all I can say is that if I were in your position I would do a lot of what I do in mine: try to give yourself slack for being human. We all have bad days. When you have really bad days, try to communicate with your kiddo about them. I tell my daughter, "I'm really upset today and it has nothing to do with you. I'm sorry I am not being as patient as you deserve--you are a wonderful, fabulous little girl and I'm SO glad you are my daughter. I will try harder to treat you how I should." She forgives me for my screw ups. As the Mama I'm the sun and moon. I feel that modeling accepting responsibility for my mood swings is one of the best messages I can give her. She has hard days too, and I forgive her. It's all about balance.

I hope you can find at least stolen moments in which to just focus on your needs.

[nolonger]

I'm going to be the voice of dissent (but not of debate, because I don't have time for it, lol) about spending more time away from your daughter. It seemed like an obvious solution to me when I was a single SAHM, but it didn't help as much as everyone seemed to think it would.

I think that there is a HUGE difference between putting your daughter in a time out to punish her for triggering your PTSD and removing yourself from a potentially triggery situation for long enough to regain your composure. No, it's not ideal to withdraw from your child, but it's better than losing your temper. A simple explanation like "It hurts when you hit me. Hitting makes me so mad that I can't be with you right now." is modelling good behaviour for your daughter to use in dealing with her own anger, frustration, and rage when she feels a "tantrum" brewing.

I also think that it's perfectly okay to help her learn how to avoid your triggers when you are both feeling calm and rational. For example, I don't usually correct my son's grammatical errors, but when I recognized that my reaction to him saying things like, "NO!!!! You don't want to go pee!!!" or "NO!!!! You don't want to wash the dishes!!!!" when he means "I don't want you to stop playing with me to go pee." or "I don't want to come in from the back yard so you can wash dishes." was way out of proportion to the situation, I started to politely ask him to rephrase with correct pronoun usage.

We all have our limitations and our triggers.

One of my saddest childhood memories from when I was about our kids' age is sitting on the outside of my mother's locked bedroom door listening to her cry (she was going through a divorce) and seek comfort from her pets. As an adult, i understand rationally that she was trying very hard not to burden me with adult problems. As a child, I was jealous because the dogs could make Mommy feel better and I only made her feel worse.

I certainly don't want to burden my children with adult problems either, but I do try to empower them to offer appropriate sympathy and compassion when others are hurting rather than locking them out.

[Theia]

Thank you for all of the input everyone. I didn't realize I had gotten more responses here.

I do think that counseling is the best thing for me right now. Before I started counseling and medication I was a huge mess. Now I'm a managed mess. But without it I would stay home and isolate so much more than I already do.

My DD is finally getting to the age where I feel I can tell her how I am feeling and be understood a little bit. I'm working on telling her how I am feeling more now than responding with anger in my triggered moment. I'm actually having to learn about setting boundaries with DD now. She is 2.5 and we do all sorts of goofy things but then I get to a point where I'm done, but she is still wound up and wanting to play more. When she gets insistent it triggers me and I have to be firm in telling her that "mama is all done now".

I do feel that I have to pick my battles with her. We are both strong willed and since it's just the two of us 99% of the time, I give both of us slack. I try to stay firm on the stuff that is really triggering, like the hitting, or throwing things at me, but the all me all the time thing is just not normal. Last week I bought "Parenting With Love And Logic" cuz my counselor swears by it. So far it seems to mesh with what DD and I both need and is satisfies the gentle, loving aspects that I need to stay in tune with when I am most upset.

I am working on getting us out more. I plan to join the local Y cuz they have childcare and classes so I could have time to work out, she could have social time and we could also do a mommy and me class together. It's just a matter of me getting myself down there. Anything (person, place) new is so intimidating to me. And other than my counselor, I don't have anyone "gently nudging me" or keeping me accountable for my actions or lack thereof, other than myself. I want to do better for DD and myself. And I've only been in this socially paralyzed for the past few years and so I remember being more carefree. But putting myself and DD out in vulnerable public places freaks me out now.

I am taking a big step for DD and I this weekend. There is a Women's Festival in my area and a woman that I know from my PTSD counseling group is more outgoing than me, so she has offered to "hold my hand" and go with me cuz otherwise I'd not go if it was just DD and I alone. So I'm excited. It's a scary step, but I've been looking forward to the chance to go for so long and when I mentioned it in group today someone spoke up to hold me accountable for going.

NOS - Thank you for your reminder that I need to allow DD to see my emotional vulnerable side. DD is very sensitive to my emotions. I have to be more aware of verbalizing (naming) the emotion I am expressing so that she can understand the feelings as the apply to herself too.

And thank you to everyone for your support and thoughtful responses. I'd multi-quote but that overwhelms me or I would type HUGE responses cuz I feel like I need to justify my actions even though I know that is not the intent of the person offering suggestions. Just know that I appreciate it all and have read everyones input.

[crunchy_mommy]

Aww I just went through a rough weekend, one thing that's particularly triggering for me is clinginess & DS was sick -- so VERY VERY clingy. I felt like such a horrible mom when I left him with DH for an hour because I just got too overwhelmed by it. Then of course I got mad at myself that I let my past affect me so much that it interfered with me being available to my sick child. The image of him clinging to my leg saying mamamammaa & me pulling him off & driving away breaks my heart. But I guess I had to do what I had to do to maintain my sanity in the moment, and luckily had DH to rely on otherwise I'd have been stuck. Anyway, just wanted to share that little story in hopes that it will help you feel less alone....

I'm glad you are taking steps to put yourself out there, I think it will help a lot once you get comfortable with it. You sound much more upbeat than in your previous posts, glad to hear it.

[LynnS6]

It sounds to me like you are working hard at getting yourself well and that you're very aware of your triggers. It sounds like you're doing a lot of things right.

I have all the respect in the world for Alfie Kohn, but I think for some parents/some situations, a time out is the best thing for all involved. I've got a fairly volatile temper myself, and I view time outs as a time to separate us for my child's safety and my sanity.

How would I parent?
I would set myself a loose schedule that includes a walk in the morning and the afternoon. That will get you out of the house and exercising. Since it's a walk, and not hanging out on the apartment complex playground, maybe it would have less anxiety for you. Is there a park fairly nearby that you can use as a destination? Then when you're there, you can shadow your dd until you feel comfortable letting her roam. Parents around here do that all the time. The exercise will be good for both of you.

This is what my schedule would look like:
Get up, have a leisurely breakfast (I'm sooo not a morning person. My kids have learned not to bug momma until she's had her 2nd or 3rd cup of tea!). Do a few morning chores.

Go for a long walk (an hour).

When you come home, it's time for a snack and a little playtime.

Then lunch and nap time. During naptime you take 30 minutes where you do whatever you want to do.

After naptime, it's snack time then out for another walk, maybe shorter, maybe not.

After the walk, I'd come home and play for a bit and do some chores around the house. Don't be afraid to involve your dd in chores.

While you make dinner turn on the TV for 30 min or 60 minutes. If there aren't any kids shows you find appropriate at that time, then get some DVDs from the library. I respect people who are TV free. I also know that during the witching hour, sometimes sitting down with my kids for that 30 minutes is a blessing. (Thank you PBS for showing Fetch! at that time -- it probably won't appeal to your 2.5 year old, but our 6 and 9 year olds love it!)

After dinner, play for a bit, then bath (if you do a nightly bath) and bedtime routine. Bedtime is a fairly fixed, early time. After bedtime, take 30-60 minutes to yourself again to recharge. then do a few more chores. Take 30 minutes to relax and go to sleep.

Book recommendations:
Parenting with Purpose: Progressive Discipline from Birth to Four. I love this book because it's got separate chapters for 1 year olds, 2 year olds, 3 year olds and 4 year olds. It talks about what's developmentally appropriate for each age. It is more on the positive discipline side than UP (she advocates reward charts for 4 year olds, for example, she talks about time outs with older kids). But I've found that the discussion for each age is really helpful, and if you don't want to do rewards or time outs, you don't have to. It's out of print, but can be gotten fairly cheaply or through your library.

Becoming the Parent You Want to Be: A Sourcebook of Strategies for the First 5 years Another excellent book. It took talks about child development. It's organized around themes (emotions, physical issues, etc) and focuses on how parents and children are changing. It's also fairly practical, which I like.

The Emotional Life of the Toddler. A good overall book to understand children's emotions at this age.

You might also find the Positive Discipline Series by Jane Nelsen useful.

Finally, I'd also highly recommend Playful Parenting. It's one of about 4 parenting books I own. I'm very picky about what I buy, and only buy books I think I'll refer to again.

[NewMoonMum]

you sound like you are doing a bit better and have gotten some great advice.
I just wanted to put in my two cents-I am not single, but am a SAHM with a history of PTSD/depression, and limited finances, and being far from all my family.

getting out: is really SO helpful, but can be IMPOSSIBLE when you are struggling with issues of PTSD/depression/anxiety etc. First: try to forgive yourself, not beat yourself up for struggling with getting out the door.
Then, start very small, even just spending time outside in your yard/in front of your building. When you are ready for a little outing, it might help to get your supplies ready the night before while DD is asleep. Get your diaper bag packed, snacks ready, decide where to go. Look up what is free in your area-a local park, the library, some museums have free days, or just go for a walk. If you are out for longer, bring lunch for the two of you.
When you do get out-give yourself a HUGE pat on the back!!

staying in: I'm sure you have tons of games and activities you do together. I found it helpful to make a list and get some inexpensive crafting supplies to keep in a tupperware: construction paper, paper plates and bags, glue, pipe cleaners, crayons, scraps and ribbons, etc. Now almost every day my son asks to "make a craft", it's easy to google for toddler crafts. I often just go to Google images and make his favorite characters out of construction paper. He carries them around and plays with them for days.

Do you/can you have DD do some quiet play time? My son does not nap anymore, but I still give him a good hour of playing alone in his (obviously kiddie-proofed) room. It saves my sanity.

And for sure, it is good to tell her you need quiet time for a minute or two if you feel you are boiling over, whether she goes to play alone, reads quietly, or you need to pop in a video-you will be much better off for it!

I hope all is well and you continue to improve!!