Throw. It. AWAY!!! (venting/could use advice) - Page 2

[lynsage]

Originally Posted by luv-my-boys

if these things are his just still packed then its time to throw it away.

Some of the stuff they have brought over is his, or at least technically his, like the big crate of all of his stuff from babyhood, kindy, elementary and high school, but most of it has either been stuff they found around their house and brought over here because they thought we could use it or give it to our daughter to play with, or household items his mom's friends have passed on to her that she's looking for a home for.

[EdnaMarie]

My husband isn't a hoarder. He is a pack-rat. I do truly believe they are different things. Hoarders keep getting stuff. My husband has thrown trash away... he just won't if there's something else he can do. A hoarder needs counseling to throw something away, even if their livelihood depends on it.

I just don't make it that severe for my DH.

[lynsage]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

My husband isn't a hoarder. He is a pack-rat. I do truly believe they are different things. Hoarders keep getting stuff. My husband has thrown trash away... he just won't if there's something else he can do. A hoarder needs counseling to throw something away, even if their livelihood depends on it.

I just don't make it that severe for my DH.

This is how my DF is. He'll throw things away once I explain why I want them gone, and he let me throw a TON of stuff away when I moved in here- he had receipts on his dresser for stuff he didn't even own anymore! He just doesn't want to deal with the clutter and would rather do just about anything than toss it, and then when it's time to toss it, it's like some kind of programming kicks in and he starts offering reasons not to toss it, but if I have reasons TO toss it, it still gets tossed.

The way the stuff keeps coming into the house is that people keep bringing stuff over and he just won't say no, and I don't feel like I can say no without it becoming an argument or an issue with me being rude to the givers based on what has happened in the past. He doesn't bring random stuff home on his own or compulsively shop or anything like that.

[EdnaMarie]

Yeah, that would bother me about people bringing trash over (though if it's his parents bringing HIS stuff over... like old algebra tests... it is their right to give him back the stuff he never threw out). I don't know what I'd do, though. Probably ask here.

[lynsage]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

Yeah, that would bother me about people bringing trash over (though if it's his parents bringing HIS stuff over... like old algebra tests... it is their right to give him back the stuff he never threw out). I don't know what I'd do, though. Probably ask here.

The thing is, the box with the algebra tests in it wasn't stuff he never threw out, it was stuff from his childhood and adolescence that his mom saved and then decided to give to him when he was 30. There was stuff in there like the pamphlets from the L&D ward where he was born, the receipt from his first infant Dr. visit, the surgical hat he wore when he had tubes put in his ears when he was 8 and the aftercare instructions from the surgery, papers he wrote in elementary school, just all kinds of stuff that he would never have been in a position to keep or throw away. She had saved it all in files upon files, organized by grade, and then just brought the whole mess over and gave it to him- and then he made me call her and ask if she wanted the stuff back before he would let me throw it out!

[Peppermint Leaf]

I wait until my dh is going to be gone for several hours (like all day) and I sort into dontate and trash ----- I have 2 different colored garbage bags so I dont get mixed up .. lol .. anyway --- he has yet to miss anything ..but honestly he doesnt want to part with anything.

If I am not sure about some items - I do include him -- example -- my dh had a crazy amount of jackets --I told him I needed just 10 minutes of his time ....... so I hung them up all over the mainfloor of our house and made him walk around and choose 8 -- the rest are getting donated.... he balked a little bit and we had to do some talking about how many does once person really need .. and how long has it been since you wore this one .... bla bla .... and then I bagged them,, put them in my car and drove off immediately with them to donate .. .if I dont do it that way he has second thoughts and will go back thru the bag again

Trust me --- if you leave it up to your DH is will most likely not get done --

Good Luck

[lolar2]

You need a designated spot-- with designated shelves and designated storage containers-- for stuff that is "incoming." My parents have a set of shelves in the garage for that purpose; it should be near a point of entry such as the garage, or a cabinet near the front door, whatever. It's easier to go through and throw things out when they aren't already part of the living space, if you see what I mean.

[stormborn]

Originally Posted by Katie T

I am married to a horder and I just make stuff go bye bye when he isn't home. The thing with most horders is they have so much crap they never notice when stuff vanishes.

Yes, this! I know it seems sneaky but it's really the only way sometimes. And FWIW I've been spiriting things away for over two decades and have NEVER been asked about an item. If I'm in doubt the item goes into junk limbo for awhile just in case.

[AZ mom&teacher]

Originally Posted by Katie T

I am married to a horder and I just make stuff go bye bye when he isn't home. The thing with most horders is they have so much crap they never notice when stuff vanishes.

If he ever missed what was gone, I'd stop doing that, but no... it's never noticed missing and I make sure that it's garbage day so there is no chance he'll spot it in the can and want it back.

[prothyraia]

Originally Posted by Crayfish

One possible long-term strategy could be to cede the office and perhaps half the basement to him as the space where he can hoard at will, and declare that the whole rest of the house _will_ become non-hoard space. If he leaves junk in those spaces, you will deposit the junk in the office or basement. Whether he likes it or not.

:

This is what I've done with my husband. He has his space, and he can keep absolutely anything he wants there, and anything that tries to escape gets chucked back in. If he can't fit it in there, toobadsosad. If we get something 'new' that we have no place for and he wants to keep it, he needs to make space in his room. If he's unable or unwilling to do that, it gets junked/donated/whatever.

I've actually put it directly to him in terms like "I have a right to exist in this house too, and I deserve to have just as much space to claim for myself as you do. I am not willing to be squeezed out of my own home by your stuff. You can keep it (here) and (here) if you need to."

I think you may need to give up on the idea of "his" space being organized- that's something he's going to need to decide on and commit to on his own. I know exactly what you mean about the uncomfortable almost unusable man-cave, but if that's how he chooses to utilize his space and care for his stuff, then that's how it's going to be unless you want to take on the responsibility of doing it for him.

[Crayfish]

Originally Posted by lynsage

I need to stake out my territory and insist on some space in the bedroom (the office has been designated as his "man cave" once it gets cleaned up and organized,

The post above me made me think about this comment. The office, IMO, needs to be his designated space whether or not it gets cleaned or organized. If he tries to claim the right to clutter up the rest of the house because his office isn't "ready", don't accept that. If you do, he will ensure that his office is never, ever "ready".

And as, again, post above me suggests, you really can't be responsible for keeping his space tidy and organized. The hoarder's den will probably be hoarded; that's what it's there for, as an outlet for the hoarding impulse.

Sure, you should get your own stuff out of the office, but after that, it should be his problem.

Crayfish

[LaughingHyena]

The people that work at Goodwill get paid to decide what to put on the shelves. And you never know what they might put on the shelf. Gag lighters and old calendars have made it out on the shelves at my Salvation Army. Sure they are likely to throw it away, but does it REALLY matter if it's you throwing it away with fights and arguements from your SO, or them getting paid to throw it away?

I can sympathise with wanting to get stuff out of the house by any means but I really think this is a bad idea. For one thing a lot of shops struggle to get enough volunteers and taking up there time sorting through things you are pretty sure are not going to sell is wasteful.

Secondly (at least her in the UK) once the stuff is in the shop they have to pay to throw stuff away as it has become business waste. I am actually costing the charity money when I send them stuff they can not sell.

As for being green I know it is more difficult when you are cluttered. I would give myself permission to dump stuff straight in the bin and start fresh with a cleaner space.

[lynsage]

Originally Posted by lolar2

You need a designated spot-- with designated shelves and designated storage containers-- for stuff that is "incoming." My parents have a set of shelves in the garage for that purpose; it should be near a point of entry such as the garage, or a cabinet near the front door, whatever. It's easier to go through and throw things out when they aren't already part of the living space, if you see what I mean.

YES- that's what usually happens to the incoming stuff, and sometimes the stuff that we're trying to go through and organize...it gets shuffled around and ends up part of these migrating piles of randomness that float around. I am not a fan! From now on when the "stuff boxes" come in I will put them by the door and empty them before they get any farther!


ITA with everyone who said I should concede the office/man cave and let him trash it in whatever manner he sees fit. I will just take anything that belongs to me out and that can be his junk spot if that's how he wants it, even if I think he'd be happier with a nice room with a couch and lots of space to do his thing.

[accountclosed3]

we had a similar issue with the ILs.

they stored a fair bit of DH's stuff, many boxes of which were things that, like your MIL, my ILs had collected over the years 'for' him, or just saved for random reasons or whatever.

so, first, my ILs would complain that they were "storing all of his stuff." and how it was "taking up a lot of space in their house." they, too, btw, are pack rats. DH would make arrangements to go over and declutter that stuff, and bring to our house what he really wanted.

but it would go like this. show up at 10 am, FIL decides he wants to "quickly show DH something" at his work, the gym, the local park, the place he used to work, the church, whatever. by 12 pm, they would be back, and then we would have lunch. after lunch, MIL wants DH to visit with GMIL for a bit, so they go out there and are back by 3. at 3:30, Dh starts on a box, and MIL complains that he "wasted so much time that day!" *eye roll*

as DH goes through a box, he puts things into two piles: keep and get rid of. what he keeps, he repacks in the box, and then would divide the get rid of pile in two--trash and church rummage sale. he would put trash in a bag, church rummage sale he would take out to those boxes in the garage.

but once in the garage, MIL and FIL would go through it, bring it back into the house, and say "but don't you *want* to keep *this*?" then, they'd tell him a story about it (their memory of how much he loved the object, or who gave it to him, or how he made it or whatever), and then if he said "no" they would go "how can you just give up your history!" and then put it back into his box that he had repacked of things he wanted to keep.

then, he would bring this box home, and it would sit in the closet completely untouched for *years*.

it wasn't until we moved here that he would open a box, divide it into what he wanted to keep for real, and then we could get rid of the rest. it was amazing what he got rid of.

[accountclosed3]

oh, and now they mail us trash. clippings from the newspaper--particularly obituaries--of people whom we don't know, with a note attached that says something like: "this was your great aunt's florist's daughter who went to school across town with this lady from church, and they were in chess club together!"

we got an envelope from them the other day that had two pieces of relevant mail, the rest junk mail (ie, coupons and stuff), and then a whole stack of clipped sudukus and obituaries. it was totally bizarre.

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by lynsage

YES- that's what usually happens to the incoming stuff, and sometimes the stuff that we're trying to go through and organize...it gets shuffled around and ends up part of these migrating piles of randomness that float around. I am not a fan! From now on when the "stuff boxes" come in I will put them by the door and empty them before they get any farther!


ITA with everyone who said I should concede the office/man cave and let him trash it in whatever manner he sees fit. I will just take anything that belongs to me out and that can be his junk spot if that's how he wants it, even if I think he'd be happier with a nice room with a couch and lots of space to do his thing.

Great, but don't just put it on the floor by the door. Put a tall shelf or cabinet there. Voice of experience!

[prothyraia]

Originally Posted by lynsage

ITA with everyone who said I should concede the office/man cave and let him trash it in whatever manner he sees fit. I will just take anything that belongs to me out and that can be his junk spot if that's how he wants it, even if I think he'd be happier with a nice room with a couch and lots of space to do his thing.

You don't need to completely give up hope, though! After almost 10 years of marriage, my husband has actually decided to hoe out his room and make it into a legitimate office space and less like a junk room.

It took him a decade to get to that point, but hey, I'll take it!

[EdnaMarie]

Originally Posted by prothyraia

You don't need to completely give up hope, though! After almost 10 years of marriage, my husband has actually decided to hoe out his room and make it into a legitimate office space and less like a junk room.

It took him a decade to get to that point, but hey, I'll take it!

You have no idea how much it means to me to hear that! No, wait, of all people, you probably do.

[accountclosed3]

for my husband, it took moving to NZ. he went through and purged everything. we are currently storing about 25 boxes and a chair with my parents. most of those are books! his parents technically are not storing anything of his, but they say that they are: all of his old toys, boxes of artworks, etc.

thing is, what i forgot to include above, is that if DH said "you can sell these" they would put them back in their basement or garage. they want to give all of his toys to DS. except that, we really don't want all of those toys (legos, mostly). not that we are anti-lego, but it's just nto worth sending it to NZ to us. but, they can't let them go, so they are "storing it for us"

DH sorted his childhood artworks, and ultimately decided to toss all of them. his mother couldn't bear it, so she boxed it back up and will "give it to him when he wants them!"

in the mean time, they complain about having to do that (store his stuff). it's nuts. LOL

anyway, DH is getting better. we still have a problem with paper coming in--bills, he prefers to pile on the mantle rather than put into the file that is right by where he puts his keys. he prefers to put receipts (for the business or otherwise) next to his keys in a small pile, rather than in the file for that purpose. it makes it hard for me to gather things for the accountant, so, i've put it in our rhythm to put those into the files once a day during our evening tidy time.

our evening routine is: DH feeds, baths, and PJ's DS; I arrive home and put DS down to bed; we have dinner; i do dishes while he tidies. this is usually doing things like: hanging up towels from the bath and straightening the bathroom, picking up DSs toys and books; folding any laundry and putting it away; and now--straightening up and filing papers. the whole tidying task takes 10-15 minutes (even laundry takes no time for us because we have so few items of clothing, so this paper bit will only add another minute or two.

hopefully, it will work for him.

but we are getting there.

[lolar2]

A pigeonhole is a good, temporary holder for papers for someone who likes to pile them up.