Throw. It. AWAY!!! (venting/could use advice) - Page 3

[Usually Curious]

It is totally unacceptable that you have lived a year w/your things packed up in your van. He does not value you or your relationship. Why do you want to marry him? You will live with this disrespect the rest of your life, do you realize and accept that?

[Logan]

First thing you need to do is take EVERYTHING out of the office. But you need to dedicate enough time that you can do it all on that day and not leave piles of stuff in the rest of the house. Then you need to put it all back in neatly, bagging anything you're not keeping and putting it near the front door. You need a system which works for the kind of stuff it is, whether that is stacked plastic boxes, shelves, a combination, whatever works. Label everything clearly. You will never get anywhere if you go into a crowded room and attempt to sort piles of junk into separate piles of junk. The only way is to start with a clean slate. Maybe send your daughter and fiance out to an amusement park, or similar fun place they can spend the whole day while you get it done.

Dont give up yet on the morning sickness, mine always lasts between 5-6 months before finally fading away. So there's always hope still . Make sure you eat a lot regularly.

I dont believe that it is fair to say that all hoarders will be that way forever. I dare say a lot of people posting here are former hoarders I know I am. I was never too bad as everything was packed away neatly. But boy did I hold onto some useless stuff. And I didnt even realize it was useless. Actually it never even occurred to me to get rid of any of it. I had the space, it was my stuff, there didnt seem to be any reason to get rid of anything. Then I moved to a smaller place and had kids (add all associated stuff) and suddenly it became a bit overwhelming to keep anything which was not completely essential. But you dont 'get it' til you do when it comes to minimalist living. Your fiance just is not coming from the same POV as you. Maybe he will be a hoarder forever, maybe he wont. But you mentioned he is eco-conscious so that is a good push forward to thinking about the impact of stuff.

Good luck!

[ASusan]

Originally Posted by AZ mom&teacher

If he ever missed what was gone, I'd stop doing that, but no... it's never noticed missing and I make sure that it's garbage day so there is no chance he'll spot it in the can and want it back.

Ugh. Memories of my father pulling a broken lawn chair out of the trash barrel just came flooding back.

Originally Posted by prothyraia

I think you may need to give up on the idea of "his" space being organized- that's something he's going to need to decide on and commit to on his own. I know exactly what you mean about the uncomfortable almost unusable man-cave, but if that's how he chooses to utilize his space and care for his stuff, then that's how it's going to be unless you want to take on the responsibility of doing it for him.

and

Originally Posted by Crayfish

The post above me made me think about this comment. The office, IMO, needs to be his designated space whether or not it gets cleaned or organized. If he tries to claim the right to clutter up the rest of the house because his office isn't "ready", don't accept that. If you do, he will ensure that his office is never, ever "ready".

And as, again, post above me suggests, you really can't be responsible for keeping his space tidy and organized. The hoarder's den will probably be hoarded; that's what it's there for, as an outlet for the hoarding impulse.

Please give up on the ideas of getting the office and basement storage room organized. Make these his spaces, and he is responsible for how they are organized and used. If you take responsibility - or wait for him to do so - and want it to be organized, it never will. Or you will resent him. Focus on your spaces and the shared spaces in the house.

And if relatives are giving things for YOUR daughter, you get to say if they go or stay. YOu could accept them, say thank you, and then they go in the trash on the next trash day. Fun little temporary toys that visit for a week or less.

[lynsage]

UC, He didn't tell me I couldn't bring my stuff in or even refuse to help me bring it in (the stuff that's in the basement is stuff he carried in, I just won't unpack the stuff until there are specific places to put it all)- I am the one that wouldn't bring my stuff in until the house was in order because I didn't want to throw piles of my crap on top of his piles of crap. He's just not good/speedy at that part and neither am I, so it's taken a while to get there. To be fair, we have also had a LOT of crazy life circumstances, some of which I have talked about on MDC (although I had some of the posts removed by an admin because we were involved in litigation with a stalker), in the past year. I just want it to be fixed now!

I assure you that this man loves and respects me, and the list of reasons I want to marry him would take a very long time to write out. I completely understand why you would get a bad impression from this thread, but it's really not the case. I appreciate your concern, but I know that my fiance highly values me, my daughter, our family, and our relationship.

Logan, I'm going to leave the office for him to do but I will suggest that method to him if/when he decides he wants to do it. Thanks for the encouragement on the morning sickness

[Ruthiegirl]

Oh, I feel your pain. DH's mother passed many years ago and she saved absolutely everything. Now that my FIL has remarried, his new wife brings us boxes and boxes of things that belonged to dh's mom. So, everything is sentimental, everything is precious.

School papers and baby teeth and old toys and dishes and glasses and old quilt squares and etc, etc, etc. We had boxes and boxes of stuff lining the basement walls. Now that we are dong this weird move and need to consolidate our stuff, I have been going through things that haven't been out of boxes in years.

What has helped me:

My dh travels a lot. He is often gone for a week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, at a time. This gives me a lot of time to go through things, sort and drive it all to the second hand shop.

I save small things that are especially nice and use them...a small plate that I hung on the wall, the crock his mother kept her cooking utensils in...no, I don't like it all, but it has made the transition smoother for dh to have a few sentimental things around to look at. And finally, this stuff is out of boxes and actually being used.

I don't bother to sell anything. I list it on Freecycle if it is big or I drop it off at the second hand shop immediately. Nothing sits on the front stoop or wallows in my van giving my dh the opportunity to bring it back inside.

Dh and I talk and talk about the 'stuff' aspect of our lives. He is committed to living smaller, living with less, but he doesn't have any idea how to go about getting rid of all this stuff. He is burdened by the emotion of this stuff being saved by his mom and missing his mom makes it all harder to get rid of anything. Of course, he feels so much better when the material things are gone, lighter after doing the emotional work of letting go.

It is a long process though. I keep nudging and dh keeps trying and we are moving towards a comfortable place, but it does take a of of work.

[clutterwarrior]

Hugs to you and your DH, Ruthiegirl. I must admit your post made me a little teary. I have yet to lose a close family member and can only imagine how hard it must be dealing with all the things that bring back memories of that person.

[Comtessa]

OP, I have BTDT and it gets better!!!! Don't worry!!!!

I moved into DH's house when we got married about 2 years ago. Since then, it has been a daily, constant struggle to eke out a little bit of space in the house. But every little step makes it better, and easier. It was worst when I was pregnant and emotional, because we would get into arguments like why-does-he-get-two-and-a-half-closets-while-I-get-the-leftover-half, and I would just lose it and start sobbing, "I will never be able to live here! This will never be my space!" It was awful. So I totally know how you're feeling!

Only now, 2 years later, after daily small steps of claiming space and cleaning things out, I finally a) know where everything is in the house, and b) can maintain things as they are. This means that if he shoves junk into one of his old junk-collecting spots, it won't stay there -- it has a home somewhere in the house, and I can either put it there myself or make him put it there.

Here are some things that made a REALLY BIG DIFFERENCE for us:

- My parents (aka, my co-conspirators) came over when he wasn't home and helped organize the basement. They brought over two big floor-to-ceiling shelving units, and we just packed up a lot of his excess junk in boxes and stacked it on the shelves. This made room for a TON of my stuff to be moved in. He's never noticed that any of that stuff is missing.

- We needed our one extra bedroom (which had been his junk room) for the baby. So we were forced to clean that one out. I wouldn't let him "migrate" the junk to somewhere else; he had to get rid of it. Except for a few boxes which are still sitting in the basement. But their days are numbered... So my advice to you is, come up with "necessary" uses for every room and storage space in the house.

- My DH is really frugal, so when I start suggesting that we might need to rent a storage space to deal with our junk, that lights a fire under him to get rid of stuff.

- We have loads of sentimental stuff too, from both of our grandmothers, and we struggle with it all the time. What I do is try to use certain things regularly (like his grandma's pretty painted plates, or my grandma's glass salad dressing ladle) so that they feel like they're "used." Then, over time, we'll be able to get rid of some of the extra stuff we're not using, even if it's sentimental.

- I keep the house clean and the surfaces uncluttered. He loves it. This can also help motivate him: "hey, don't you love the way it looks in this room? Wouldn't it be nice if that room could look like this?"

It's a slow process, but it feels like "my" house now -- it took 2 years to get there. Don't give up hope!

[SuzyLee]

All I can say, is this is the arguement we had tonight:

I found 2 nasty, disgusting paint and dirt cover jean shorts of DH shoved in with hius winter pants (WTF?). First of all, they are nasty. 2nd of all, you went through almost the entire summer and managed to mow the lawn EVERY WEEK WITHOUT THESE SHORTS. 3rd, they are a fashion nightmare. Like TLC-worthy. 4th, we can afford to buy you a new pair of decent non-horrifying shorts.

Me: "I am tossing these. Even goodwill wouldn't want them. even the rag bin wouldn't want them".

DH: "NOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOO they are PERFECTLY FUNCTIONAL. I NEED them to mow the lawn.

Its like he thinks the lawn can never be mowed again if he doesn't own these shorts.

He wouldn't admit to caving (its like he has to save face) but he eventually started laughing at my creative descriptions of just how horrifying the shorts were, which basically means he gives up and I win and I can throw away the shorts.

I am not sure why we have to go through this bizarre dance. If they were my shorts, all he would have to say it "honey, thsoe shorts are really ugly. Lets just throw them away. If you are ever running low on shorts we can always buy you a new pair". And Bam! they would be in the trash.

[Comtessa]

I've been there, I've totally been there.