Discussion of the book "Getting to 50/50" by Meers and Strober - Page 3

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by nina_yyc

That sounds really frustrating. I'm not denying that your DH is negligent, but can change the way you communicate about these things? Sounds to me like you are expecting him to 'think it through' and 'take his cues' instead of trying to work with him to set an acceptable standard. Have you said to him what you said here about the daycare's requirements?

ETA: I know you have been working on your DH's parenting for a long time so forgive me if you have already tried this stuff.

I'm working on the communication part. I really am. I sometimes say nothing, don't raise my voice, and don't say anything negative, and DH is so conditioned to hear things I'm not saying - my assumption - that he still reacts the same way. It's like he's on auto-pilot in the marriage. He'll say he heard me say something, which I didn't say, and he responds to what he thought I said, but it's his imagination. It might be something I did or said in the past, but even when I actively refrain from engaging with him, he still "hears" things. It's either history or it's that DH never stops to take a breath and so he wasn't really listening back then or now, and he just assumes he knows what I am saying or going to say, he's never really heard me.

Originally Posted by Triniity

Once he dropped dd in her daycare group room - which was totally, utterly empty. As in nobody there, because the whole group was at an outing. She was found by another staff member, happily playing - all alone approximatly 30 min later. She was three and a half years old by than. He said: See, she was fine, did not cry or anything! Seriously!
I hate that! I love dh dearly. But I am afraid to leave the kids with him. Sometimes I have to. And nothing really happened - yet (wait, he nearly set our house on fire once and did not notice until the neighbours came running)

Wow. That is stunning. Leaving a child in an empty room? I'm not sure my DH would ever do that - although I've been very surprised by him before so never say never. But I can totally see DH using those excuses! He does use those very kinds of exuses! "She was happily playing, didn't get hurt, so what's the problem? No harm, no foul. Relax!" I can totally hear him saying that. DH is constantly saying "no harm, no foul" and "relax" to whatever he did wrong that didn't have major consequences...at least major consequences this time. I always wonder, though, why risk it? Why skate by?

It might be ADD. DH is sooooooooo unobservant. So incredibly unobservant of the world around him. And he has no memory. He forgets things quickly and easily. And he can't pay attention to an entire paragraph of text or words. It sure seems like ADD.

[nina_yyc]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

I'm working on the communication part. I really am. I sometimes say nothing, don't raise my voice, and don't say anything negative, and DH is so conditioned to hear things I'm not saying - my assumption - that he still reacts the same way. It's like he's on auto-pilot in the marriage. He'll say he heard me say something, which I didn't say, and he responds to what he thought I said, but it's his imagination. It might be something I did or said in the past, but even when I actively refrain from engaging with him, he still "hears" things. It's either history or it's that DH never stops to take a breath and so he wasn't really listening back then or now, and he just assumes he knows what I am saying or going to say, he's never really heard me.

It is so hard. DH and I are *just* at the point where we can really communicate, especially about divvying up the family stuff, and we have been together for 10 years. Ridiculous, isn't it?

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by nina_yyc

It is so hard. DH and I are *just* at the point where we can really communicate, especially about divvying up the family stuff, and we have been together for 10 years. Ridiculous, isn't it?

We've been married for more than 10 years. Dated for more than 5. We're going on 20 years.

It is ridiculous.

Things got a lot harder after pregnancy / baby.

[Triniity]

Unfortunately, in our case, even with the diagnosis, it does not really make anything easier. I am more understanding. Sometimes. But I want him to see that there actually is a problem and actually do something about it. We have an adult add expert working right in the same hospital he is working. Did he ever talk to her? - NO!
The letter from the department with the diagnosis states that he does not have massive problems at work or at home, therefor there would be no need for medication at this point. I am wondering what he actually did not tell them about the problems he does face. He lost stuff, he missed deadlines, he did not get were he should be career wise. He is a really good doctor, but he works at an university and there is no university career at all. And he is really smart and hard working. It is only about his missing organization skills, that he is not able to perform as he should

I am trying as hard as I can, but sometimes I just cannot do anymore

Hugs to you, I know what you are going through!