I need help with my 3 year old

[lillymonster]

I don't know if this is typical behavior for a 3 year old, but I don't know how to deal. I have read Adventures in Gentle Discipline and Unconditional Parenting and I am still having such a hard time.

This is what my daughter has been doing. Well, first let me add that other than having food issues, her behavior was great until a few weeks after she turned 3. She always seems to have issues playing by herself, but at 3, I find it hard to go to the bathroom by myself, or have a conversation downstairs with DH. If I walk out of the room, she starts screaming that she "needs" me to come up. I ask why or what she wants and she just starts crying and having a breakdown, so I go up and it's something like - "I need you to turn the light on" which she can do by herself, or "I need you to get to pick the book up, it's too heavy" for little golden book that she can pick up herself.

She needs DH or I with her at all times, I don't know if this part is an anxiety issue or not. She orders DH and I around and if we don't do it, she starts a huge session of crying and running away from us and we can't calm her down. She needs it done instantly. She won't go into other parts of the house by herself to get a ball or toy, DH or I have to go with her, even if it's just in the kitchen, one room over.

I am pregnant now, I got pregnant before she turned 3. I don't know if that has anything to do with it, I have been very sick this pregnancy, between having HG and being constipated from the drugs, I am in the bathroom a lot and need to rest a lot. When I feel well, I take her places, but sometimes I can't.

I don't know if she has some type of anxiety issues (she is scared of monsters and ghosts and mentions them a lot) or if this is typical 3 year old or what. I am at a loss and I admit I get mad at her more than I like.

I just have no clue where to begin. I can't talk to her using tips from those books I mentioned, and I find myself saying things my mom used to say to me (accckkk!) and losing my temper with her impatience.

Any suggestions? I really want to change things so we don't having crying/yelling any more.

[mamazee]

It's partly the age. Look through how many threads are devoted to kids in the range of 3.5. It's awful. They live to get into power struggles. I tried to give as much autonomy as I could (but I didn't force it when she was wanting to be treated like a baby), and I tried to stay out of power struggles as much as possible, as kids that age love the power struggles and I don't like them at all, so I'm set up for failure in many cases. Try to not get dragged into things and not take things personally and not worry too much when she gets upset, as it's less about you than the age.

But it's probably even worse with the pregnancy and your difficulties in the pregnancy. She is your baby and probably feels a bit worried about how another baby will change that. And she is probably worried seeing you not feel well. I'm not surprised she's wanting to be babied, and it might actually help her if you do some babying, when practical.

I don't think you have to walk her into the next room to get a ball or anything like that when it isn't practical to do it, but she will probably tantrum if you don't. Kids that age do still tantrum and it's normal. If she doesn't have tantrums about that, she'll have them about something else, so try not to sweat it too much. She's still learning a lot of things and tantrums are part of that learning. When she has tantrums, I'd empathize with her and talk about it, but I wouldn't get sucked into the drama. "I'm sorry I can't help you get your ball right now. I'm busy with dinner. You want to be right with mama lately, don't you? You like being babied." It helped my dd if she felt heard, so I tried to talk about how she was feeling like that. And empathizing and "wishing" with her can help. "I wish the ball were right here. I wish we had a hundred balls in every room so we never had to look for them." Or, "I wish I didn't have to cook dinner and I could just say 'abracadabra' and dinner would magically appear on the table every night!" Actually, I do wish that!

[lillymonster]

Originally Posted by mamazee

It's partly the age. Look through how many threads are devoted to kids in the range of 3.5. It's awful. They live to get into power struggles. I tried to give as much autonomy as I could (but I didn't force it when she was wanting to be treated like a baby), and I tried to stay out of power struggles as much as possible, as kids that age love the power struggles and I don't like them at all, so I'm set up for failure in many cases. Try to not get dragged into things and not take things personally and not worry too much when she gets upset, as it's less about you than the age.

Thanks I try so hard not to get into power struggles, because I believe no one will win, but after trying to talk to DH today 4 times, every time I would make it down the steps, I start to hear her screaming and crying "I need you up here mommy now" I was beginning to lose it, I did lose it, and I got mad and yelled back at her.

I am beginning to feel like I have no personal space and I am beginning to resent being at her whim. I had a talk with her about asking me nicely to come up stairs and she did it later in the day, and I thanked her for coming to get me, and asking me for help, and I said it was a big help to mommy when she did that, and we went up the steps together so I could help. Then DH came in from working outside and she started in with him "I need this now, you need to do it" and he said "can you wait 1 minute?" and she burst into tears.

[Surfacing]