still obsessing over TTC even though we just adopted, what's wrong with me???

[TessaPie]

hi everyone, sorry to have this be my first post but I am desperate for some support and don't know what to do. I posted here years ago when we were first TTC but have no idea what my username was...

I couldn't decide whether to put this in adoption or here. Please tell me if it's wrong to have it here.

My husband and I started TTC about 3.75 years ago. We TTC for about six months then moved on to fertility monitor, green tea by the gallon, Mucinex, acupuncture. After a year we did four cycles of Clomid + sex. Then two cycles Clomid + iui, then 1 cycle Femara + iui. Two cycles injectible meds + iui Three more cycles regular old timed sex, then on to IVF. Two cycles, not much result as far as eggs went. Two transferred first time, three transferred the second time. Not pregnant.

All my hormone levels are excellent. (FSH etc). Husband's sperm count "out of this world" according to my doc.

We went on HBC and started the adoption process. All of 2009 we were in the process, and on HBC. In May we brought home our perfect daughter from Ethiopia. She's 10 months now.

We adore her, I am madly in love with her, she is a happy, easygoing child and I look forward to every minute with her. She's everything I wanted in a child of mine.

And yet... I got back to work two weeks ago at the end of my maternity leave and everyone in my office was pregnant again. I have watched everyone in my office go through pg two or three times now. They all say they're about to start trying, start, and get pg the first try. Then I watch their growing bellies, throw baby showers, talk about names and clothes and everything.

I knew a bunch of them were about to start TTC again, so I was prepping myself for the news that some were pg again. I thought, I have the most amazing daughter, how can I ever be jealous again?

But when it happened for real, when I got to work and each coworker came in to tell me, all glowing, "OH you missed my news!!!!!!!!" I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I am seriously looking for other jobs even though I love my job and love my coworkers. I don't feel I can make it through another 6+ months (more with the woman I share a room with, she's only at 7 weeks) with this current round of pregnancies and then another round in a year or so. It will kill me.

I can't figure out what is wrong with me that I can't just enjoy what I have. I have totally started back with my TTC thinking: we didn't try for THAT long or try THAT many interventions and treatments. Maybe if I just start this one new supplement or exercise routine.

I was so happy until I came back to work to hear everyone's pg joy. I had no idea I'd feel this way. My husband is shocked. He says, "but we have the best baby." and it's true. We do. She is perfect, amazing. And yet I long for... what? Not for a bio baby exactly, because she is the baby I want and I don't care about a baby who looks like me (this is something I have gotten over) but I do care that my body cannot do this special, important thing. And that I am so left out at work.

Again sorry this is my very first post. And sorry so long.

[chiefmir]

I couldn't read and not reply!

I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with you. My story is different, but I'll share the basics just to let you know that I can imagine how you are feeling right now. (we currently have 3 biological daughters). DD1, easily concieved (6 months, no ART, one early loss). DD2, tried for 2 years (3 clomid/IUI; 3 injectible/IUI; one cancelled IVF; one failed IVF; 3 early losses, AND a disrupted domestic adoption when the birth mother changed her mind after we went to meet/take home the new born). Even when we started the adoption process, it took a monumental effort (and some therapy) to "get over" the idea that I would never carry a baby again. Even though, like you, I had the daughter that I'd always dreamed of already and was 100% happy with my life, seeing pregnant women was like a knife in my gut.

and the truly crazy thing??? even once I was pregnant with DD2 (and after 4 losses, it took a while before I believed it was going to result in a take-home baby) I STILL was immediately jealous of anyone who became easily pregnant, didn't have miscarriages, and was able to be naievly (sp?) happy with the whole idea of fertility/pregnancy.

Even now, 3 weeks after giving birth to DD3 (she was the result of ART, but it was much easier this time) AND having my tubes tied because we are DONE, I still get pangs and weird feelings when talking to my two (easily) pregnant friends.

sorry for the rambling response... I guess my whole point is that I really believe that fertility problems (whether it is primary IF, secondary IF, repeated pregnancy loss, a combination, or whatever) does some permanent "damage" to our perception of ourselves as women and to our sense of self-esteem, etc. I remember, even having had one biological daughter and being *this* close to bringing home our daughter via adoption- feeling ashamed and somehow "dirty" that my body wasn't able to do the ONE thing that it was supposedly made for.

Two things that made things easier for me (and I'm not trying to be insensitive since I have ended up able to give birth to children-- I just know that your post resonated with me) were: 1) being very honest with my coworkers (and friends) about my fertility and adoption journies. I decided that part of the problem was that I was treating my infertility like a dirtly little secret, when it was really just a complex and chronic medical condition... and I decided that the support everyone gave me (even if it was awkwardly expressed) was worth the initial discomfort and the occasional (unintentional) hurtful comment. and 2) I found a therapist who specialized in fertility realted issues (I got her name from my RE). She wasn't covered by insurance, but the few sessions I paid for out of pocket (right around the time that we were trying to adopt) were VERY well worth the money-= and made a HUGE difference to me and to my ability to understand myown internal processes.

anyway, wishing you an easy jouney. Congrats on your wonderful daughter!! It is OK that you have complex feelings about this issue ( and I don't t hink that even the most wonderful, kind, sensitive man feels things in the same way-- not better or worse, just different) and it does not mean that you don't love your daughter with ever fiber of your being.

[lesliesara63]

Congratulations on your baby girl! I think what you are feeling is very normal. Infertility changes people and changes how you look at those things. A lot of people think getting pregnant is the big prize and having a baby is the big prize. The problem is that IF is still there. When you can't ttc#2 just like anyone else the IF feelings are still there. It still isn't fair, it still hurts and it still just sucks. I have the two most beautiful dd's in the world and am very grateful for them. But IF still sucks. Even though your dd is adopted, motherhood is still the same. My neices are adopted and it was really hard. My sister says she doesn't think she could go through treatment to try for a third and the adoption route is pretty messed up - so two girls is it for them.

[crazyrunningmama]

I just wanted to say that you're not crazy and your feelings totally make sense to me. The way you describe it, that's almost how I felt even after I had DD1. I wanted soooo badly to get pregnant and have a baby and then almost right away I was worried about if I'd be able to do it again. And feeling so guilty and selfish and wacky for not just enjoying the wonderful baby I did have. We went through hell for both babies (total 3 IVF's, 4 FET's). IF really messes us up. Talk to someone, take it easy on yourself and be honest with your co-workers if you can.

[TessaPie]

Thanks so much you three. It felt really good to read your replies and that you don't think I'm totally nuts (or hateful or mean or anything, all the things I am thinking about myself these days). Yes, it's so true that IF changes you forever. I sometimes think if I did get pg I would never ever stop worrying about that pg, thinking it's just not meant to be for me.

It is so hard to be left out of the club. Everyone has been great about welcoming our child, but they still get to talk for 7 or 8 months about the babies they're growing there inside and I am left out of the party.

Your words really did help me.

[lapis]

I just wanted to say thanks for sharing what you've gone through and what you are going through now.

I am only at the beginning of my infertility journey. We just hit the two year mark and I'm going to finally have an HSG and laparoscopy in the next few months. DH also has great sperm, my hormone levels are just fine and dandy... and I just realized that this is going to be a LOOOOONNNG (possibly? certainly?) process for us. I have to say my first year ttc was the hardest. Now that I've hit this two year mark I have kind of resigned myself to things just being WAY more complicated than I ever could have imagined.

But I really feel ya on the woman who can easily make babies... keep babies... and make choices about having another. I had someone recently liken their four months of trying to what we've gone through. I realize that she was just trying to relate... but really she has no idea. so I understand why it would be so hard to be around a plethora of ladies at your work who are pregnant, or ttc and getting pregnant easily.

I have also started sharing a bit mor, just matter of factly, that we have been ttc for a long time and that we are facing some fertility issues. Some people really don't know what to say... and actually I find that many others know someone else... or they themselves have actually been through something similar.

and as a longtime nanny and sometimes postpartum doula I have finally decided that I am mostly unwilling to work in that profession anymore. Its too hard. and I want to think about other things besides babies and families.... seeing as I have to think about it in my own life quite so much. and luckily my dh and I just moved to another country where I'm not allowed to work freelance, we can live on just his salary AND have decently affordable fertility help so... I am feeling really really luckily right now.

Anyhow, I also do not think you are nuts in any way. I think its realistic to assume that anyone in your position would have more feelings than just loving your daughter.... which I can tell that you really really do... but feeling sad about not being able to be pregnant isn't actually connected to you loving or being so happy with or enjoying your daughters company... it seems like it has more to do with your feelings about yourself and your body... really, nothing to do with her.

a bit off topic but if you feel like sharing, I'd really love to hear about your adoption story.

I know that if we do end up adopting that I will certainly mourn not getting to experience pregnancy as well as nursing (although I know that some adoptive mothers are able to nurse). I also know, from having spent so much time with other people's children, that I will utterly and totally be able to bond with a child that doesn't come from my body.... so although I might not mourn that, I know there are aspects of having a non bio child that I will have feelings about. I think very very normal...

You sound like a lovely mom and I'm sending you really big hugs.

yes, thanks again for sharing. Its really really helpful to hear other people's stories about creating their families.

[missme]

I really responded to your post. I've always felt that I would try to conceive for a while, but wouldn't go as extreme as IVF. I thought I would go right to adoption, because I just want a little one to love, right? And the surest route is surely the best, right? But watching my sister care for my 2 week old nephew (she struggled with infertility, too), I realize that the longing to birth a baby is deep and different in a way. My body is longing to grow and birth and feed a baby. Will I love any adopted child I might be blessed with - not a doubt in mind! Will my body and heart stop their longing? Maybe eventually...But it looks like IVF is in my future first.

You most certainly shouldn't feel bad. You can have complicated feelings, even ones that seem contradictory. Longing to birth a baby doesn't mean that you don't love and treasure your daughter. And loving your daughter doesn't mean you have to stop trying.

When I find out that people are pregnant, I try with all my heart to be happy that people are getting the babies they long for. But it's much easier when I know that they've struggled, too. I wish you luck in whatever path you choose and whatever happens. I send my love to you and your family.

[alysonsky]

Congratulations on your adoption. My DH and I are thinking about going that route as well after dealing with infertility for a while. I wonder though, were you thinking before you adopted something along the lines of "once the pressure is off and we have our baby then I will probably get pg"? I know that that is something that I have thought about and that is a real thing that a lot of folks experience. I know for myself that if we adopted I would love the baby with all my heart but would have that waiting going on in my brain and body that just couldn't be stopped no matter what.

Best of luck and enjoy your little girl.

[christophersmom]

I think a lot of what the pps have said resonates. The pain of IF will always be there. It is seperate from the little one you love.
We had one bio child and then tried for 4+ years (including clomid and two rounds of IVF) to have another which resulted in three miscariages. We then adopted my DD who I love sooooo much. She is also the perfect child for us. I tell my SW's they picked the perfect child for our family. The pain of my body failing me of me not trying hard enough (which is not true but I think it) of me not being able to get/stay pregnant is still there and will always be there with me.
I do still have a hard time around pregnant women (not all, but some), I do still mourn the fact that I will most likely never carry, birth, and feed a child from my body.
Love the little one you have and have a frank talk with your co-workers. It is okay for them to be excited just not around you, you don't want to hear their cravings, what they can't eat, how sore they feel, etc. They can talk to others about that. Not you.

[bella99]

I am pregnant with my second, who was conceived with the help of soy. My first was conceived with injectables.

I had always said that I would NEVER go as far as IVF, that I would adopt if it became difficult or impossible to get pregnant. And yet, when that possibility loomed ahead, I changed my mind.

Why? Because as I watched friends and family around me get pregnant and watched their bellies grow, I realized that as much as I wanted to be a mother, I also very much wanted to be pregnant. It wasn't biology necessarily that was important to me, it was feeling a life growing within me and watching my body do it, and know that it COULD do it.

So don't feel guilty. Your feelings about your IF have NOTHING to do with the amount of love you have for your daughter.