My husband and I have been married for 10 years- I can say that I've been at some level of unhapppy for over half of that time. I think that when it comes down to it, we are 2 very, very different people. He is a different nationality than I- we met while I was on vacation, and moved in together. We were engaged a year after we met, and married a year after that. A year after THAT, I was pregnant with my first child, and moved to a foreign country (his country) where we've lived ever since. I had an extremely, extremely difficult time of it the first couple of years- had PPD, was desperately homesick (still am) and he tried everything he could do to make me happy. I have never felt happy in this country, have made very few friends (lots of acquaintances- but expat communities are so transient. As soon as you become close to someone- they move!) but have tried to dive in for the sake of my children ( we have 2 now). I created my own company, am active in the American community, keep the kids involved in both culture's activities- etc... all this to say that I haven't spent the past decade moping around.
Over the years, my husband and I have grown further and further apart. We haven't been intimate since my daughter was conceived (she's 5) and it's driven a searing wedge between us. Back when we DID talk about it- his opinion was that I am cold to him when he approaches me, so he shuts me out. My opinion was that he is pretty cold and unemotional anyway, and that if he can switch "it" on when HE wants affection, why can't he switch it on when I want affection?(theres a lot more to it, but thats the type of conflict we're dealing with) Anyway, these are old, old arguments that we haven't had in years- now we barely speak at all. Literally. When we do speak, its to tell the children something. When we speak together, it explodes into an argument within 5 minutes (even talking about mundane, everyday subjects). Both of us are so deeply, deeply miserable, but I feel stuck. I hate it here, but would never take my children away from their dad (he is a great father and they all have an incredible bond). Plus, I couldnt bear putting them on a trans-atlantic flight for weeks at a time for visits. Which would mean I'd have to stay in this country until they grew up- with no friends, no family, no job, no money, etc. I do not make enough to support myself- let alone myself plus 2 children. I do not have a degree, so would not qualify for a well-paying job in this country (where in the states, experience counts for something...It doesnt mean anything here.) He does not make enough to be able to afford a place for himself AND child support (I'm not even sure I'd even GET custody in this country). Here, he has job security, good health care and a small mortgage which is almost paid off. In the States, jobs are hard to come by, and you can get laid off without any warning, PLUS the healthcare system is expensive and scary. And the schools there cost a fortune.
So you can see my nice, long, PRACTICAL list for staying in this marriage- it breaks my heart to not be able to write that I want to work on this marriage, "because I love him and have faith in US", etc etc. but thats just not where we're at. Today my youngest asked why we always argued when she was around. Before I could even stammer out an answer, my oldest said, "No- sometimes they argue at night after we go to bed". I feel awful awful awful awful. Its at the point where we skulk around each other like wolves or bears- if we accidentally get in each others space in the kitchen or passing in the hall, we're all, "Sorry! Sorry!"- passing by with our hands up like we have cooties and don't want to touch one another...
Years ago we tried couples counseling, which helped to ease the troubled waters. At this point, though, we are both so, so, so overextended- I can't even imagine a time where we'd both be able to get in to see someone (we are on a very tight budget these days, and we dont have any family nearby us. The last time we went to therapy, all I could do was spend the session counting out how much the therapist + babysitter+parking was going to cost us...I do plan to make a one-on-one appt as soon as school starts back up...
Ugh! I'm sorry that this is so long. I dont post that much, but I do read the boards faithfully. I hope it doesn't seem to obnoxious to come here and dump all of my woes... Does anyone think that anything can be done with this marriage? Does anyone have any helpful advice on just getting along? How can we have just a normal conversation when the kids are always around and by the time they go to sleep- he or I or both are so exhausted the last thing we want to do is open that can of worms. We are stuck in purgatory and I see my children suffering because or it. Can anyone help us?
Sara
Over the years, my husband and I have grown further and further apart. We haven't been intimate since my daughter was conceived (she's 5) and it's driven a searing wedge between us. Back when we DID talk about it- his opinion was that I am cold to him when he approaches me, so he shuts me out. My opinion was that he is pretty cold and unemotional anyway, and that if he can switch "it" on when HE wants affection, why can't he switch it on when I want affection?(theres a lot more to it, but thats the type of conflict we're dealing with) Anyway, these are old, old arguments that we haven't had in years- now we barely speak at all. Literally. When we do speak, its to tell the children something. When we speak together, it explodes into an argument within 5 minutes (even talking about mundane, everyday subjects). Both of us are so deeply, deeply miserable, but I feel stuck. I hate it here, but would never take my children away from their dad (he is a great father and they all have an incredible bond). Plus, I couldnt bear putting them on a trans-atlantic flight for weeks at a time for visits. Which would mean I'd have to stay in this country until they grew up- with no friends, no family, no job, no money, etc. I do not make enough to support myself- let alone myself plus 2 children. I do not have a degree, so would not qualify for a well-paying job in this country (where in the states, experience counts for something...It doesnt mean anything here.) He does not make enough to be able to afford a place for himself AND child support (I'm not even sure I'd even GET custody in this country). Here, he has job security, good health care and a small mortgage which is almost paid off. In the States, jobs are hard to come by, and you can get laid off without any warning, PLUS the healthcare system is expensive and scary. And the schools there cost a fortune.
So you can see my nice, long, PRACTICAL list for staying in this marriage- it breaks my heart to not be able to write that I want to work on this marriage, "because I love him and have faith in US", etc etc. but thats just not where we're at. Today my youngest asked why we always argued when she was around. Before I could even stammer out an answer, my oldest said, "No- sometimes they argue at night after we go to bed". I feel awful awful awful awful. Its at the point where we skulk around each other like wolves or bears- if we accidentally get in each others space in the kitchen or passing in the hall, we're all, "Sorry! Sorry!"- passing by with our hands up like we have cooties and don't want to touch one another...
Years ago we tried couples counseling, which helped to ease the troubled waters. At this point, though, we are both so, so, so overextended- I can't even imagine a time where we'd both be able to get in to see someone (we are on a very tight budget these days, and we dont have any family nearby us. The last time we went to therapy, all I could do was spend the session counting out how much the therapist + babysitter+parking was going to cost us...I do plan to make a one-on-one appt as soon as school starts back up...
Ugh! I'm sorry that this is so long. I dont post that much, but I do read the boards faithfully. I hope it doesn't seem to obnoxious to come here and dump all of my woes... Does anyone think that anything can be done with this marriage? Does anyone have any helpful advice on just getting along? How can we have just a normal conversation when the kids are always around and by the time they go to sleep- he or I or both are so exhausted the last thing we want to do is open that can of worms. We are stuck in purgatory and I see my children suffering because or it. Can anyone help us?
Sara
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