Teacher friend quizzing/manipulating her friend's homeschooled kids - Page 2

[phathui5]

when she was talking to me about her other friend's family on instant messaging she TOLD me she was deliberately getting a feel for whether the child was being adequately educated or not.

Perhaps you could tell her that it isn't her job to assess a child whose family hasn't asked for her help.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by WTHamI?

I see your point with her possibly not being able to compartmentalize and talk to a kid without being in "teacher" mode, but to clarify, when she was talking to me about her other friend's family on instant messaging she TOLD me she was deliberately getting a feel for whether the child was being adequately educated or not. It's intentional. I wasn't sure how to respond to that so I didn't, really.

Ugh.
I never attempted to educate ds1 before kindergarten - certainly not in any formal sense. But, he went into kindergarten ahead of most of the expected "learning outcomes" for the year (ie. what he was supposed to know at the end). A month before kindergarten ended, I heard the teacher talking to another set of parents (which, in retrospect, she probably shouldn't have been doing in my hearing, but the parents didn't object) about their daughter. That little girl was nowhere near any of the learning outcomes, despite being in school for the whole year. Looking at one child and what they know at any given time, and using that to assess an entire method of education/learning is nuts.

[Dakota's Mom]

About a year or so ago my husband was doing a small electrical job for the mother of his best friend. He took our son with him because he was going somewhere else with him when the finished the job. THe whole process only took about 20 minutes. But while my husband was in one room doing the electrical work. The lady, a retired school teacher, spent the whole time trying to convince our son that he should try to convince his parents into letting him go to school. Because you know, school is so much fun and he would make real friends there. I guess as opposed to the pretend friends he has through our homeschool groups. When they came home my son started in about "Why can't I go to real school and have fun all day and make real friends." I was livid. But I didn't feel like I could say anything to an 89 year old woman. My husband did speak to his friend. And I have not let my son go back to her mother's house again.

For the OP, I see so many problems in your future with this woman. Unless you make a stand now, you are going to be dealing with this for a very long time. This is what we have chosen for our family and I do not want to discuss it further. PERIOD.

I wish you well in TTC.

Kathi

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by WTHamI?

-I think on some level she also, as a public school teacher, sees the very act of not putting your kids in school as a personal attack on her profession.

-She does not have kids of her own but is an "auntie" to many of her friends' children.

-One of her friends "Julie" homeschools her kindy age daughter. When she visits with their family, Mary semi-sneakily quizzes the girl to make sure she's actually learning things.

The girl IS a little behind, but honestly I don't think it's because of homeschool and she'd probably be worse off in public.

She has also asked the girl (in front of "Julie") if she wishes she could go to school and make more friends. I was not there but have heard both sides of the story and they match - Julie is of course upset that Mary is trying to undermine her family's decision to homeschool. Mary thinks what she's doing is justified because she doesn't think the girl is learning on level at home and doesn't think she should be homeschooled anyway for social reasons.

With all due respect, I cannot tell if Mary is arrogant, ignorant or both....

I might share with Mary that non everyone buys into the current mainstream educational model and that in many instances that model does not work.

It is "kindergarten" for pete's sake! I would tell her to lighten up and to encourage her to research different educational philosophies. If that does not help, show her some very real statistics about the state of public education in our country.

[VillageMom6]

I hear you... I really hear you that this woman is dear to you and that you want to stay friends. I'm going to try to keep that in the front of my mind while responding.

But she really raises my hackles with her "assessing" another's child, especially the bit about her asking the child if she wants to go to school and make more friends.

The only advice I can come up with is for you to sit down with Mary and be very honest. Start off telling her how much she means to you, that you love her and treasure your friendship.

Tell her that you respect the work she does and the passion and devotion that she brings to classroom teaching. But tell her in no uncertain terms that there are more ways than one for a young person to grow in knowledge and that homeschooling is one of those approaches.

Tell her that while you acknowledge her opinion, you do not share it and that the only way for the two of you to remain friends (which you very much want) is for each of you to avoid the topic.

Tell her that you will not allow her to quiz your child in any way. In return, you will not go into her classroom and quiz her students.

The irony, of course, is that if you did quiz her classroom students some of them would be "behind". That is not a reflection on her so it shouldn't be a reflection on homeschool teachers.

[AutumnSunshine]

Originally Posted by SagMom

And that is between THEM. I wouldn't step in the middle of that. First, you're not there to witness all of their interactions and you don't know what each of them is thinking or feeling. They can speak for themselves, or choose not to. Either way, I'd step away from it and let them handle it.

This made me think that by the time you have a child and your child is school-aged, your friend's child will be much, much older (11 or older... wow!) and your teacher-friend may have had time to be "proven wrong" and to change her views on homeschooling or at least on you guys homeschooling.

[midnightwriter]

Originally Posted by moominmamma

If you're there to witness the quizzing, I'd be tempted to interject cheeky answers on the little girl's behalf. Grin and volunteer "Looks like five cherries to me! Shall I count them out loud for you?" Or "That's a P. It makes the 'puh' sound. I'm surprised you don't know that, being a teacher and all." It's possible that being a teacher she just slips into this default interrogative, evaluative style of conversation with school-aged children without being aware that it's inappropriate. Maybe she would respond to a playful nudge or two that would cause her to wonder if she's said something inappropriate.

Miranda

When DD1 was 2 or 3, her uncle, a former teacher, interacted with her in terms of quizzing. It wasn't malicious, but it was his typical mode of operation. Each time I responded with something like what is Miranda suggesting above. He hasn't done it since.

I think he wasn't aware of the way he was interacting with her.

ETA: okay, nm, if she is fully aware.

[AAK]

I would def. talk to her about it. I would let her know that her current behavior could prove to be a friendship killer. I would also give her resources so she could learn more, and I would refuse to talk about schooling choices unless she educated herself some first. Then, it would be a discussion--not a debate.

If she would be willing to read, "Homeschooling, a family's journey", http://www.amazon.com/Homeschooling-...2773245&sr=8-1 the author explains their path to hs and includes lots of data/research about schooling in general.

Amy