Custody Evaluators

[chatsalot]

Anyone have experience with these? Any advice? I have to attend with STBX this Thurs and I have no clue what to expect. Also, someone said I have to be crafty in presenting negative info about stbx so it doesn't come across as slamming him.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Be honest. DO NOT act like you are a complete angel. My ex did that, and it just might lose him legal custody (actually, its going to I think b/c I'm going to push for full). Take responsibility for your faults, and just be honest. You are not a perfect parent, you are not the perfect partner. Don't take more responsibility than you need to though - if HE said something, that was his fault not yours, etc. Just be honest.

And yeah, I would say that when you explain certain incidents, just give the facts. Leave out the emotion when describing the incident - this person is not your therapist. You can say things like, "When that happened I was really angry, and I yelled at ex" but don't treat this like a therapy session or a venting session with your BFF. Also, when I met with mine he told me straight out not to be offended if he cuts me off - so don't. BUT - if they cut you off when you're telling them something important, just say "I think this is really important and I'd appreciate if you'd listen to it" and they should let you keep talking.

Dress nicely. Don't overdress, but a nice pair or pants or a nice skirt and a good shirt. Casual, but nice, clean, good clothes. Don't go in sweats. You want to look like a capable parent, and I know theres nothing wrong with sweats, but you don't want to portray that image to this person.

I need to take the munchkin for a walk, but if you have other questions or I left something out and you want clarification let me know!!

[mtiger]

At our initial meeting, the evaluator simply laid out how she planned to proceed, what she was looking to find out, laid down some ground rules, made sure we both had her contact info, that she had our contact info, etc. We also signed releases to allow her to talk to the kids' doctor(s), teachers, neighbors, etc. And lastly, provided us each with a set of interrogatories.

After that, she made appointments with each of us separately, and then with each of us at our respective homes with the children. When your evaluator comes to your home, keep it as normal as possible. She came to my place after I got home from work, so there was dinner to be prepared, etc. We talked in the kitchen as I worked and the kids helped, played, set the table, etc. Don't worry if they act up a bit - it will actually give the evaluator a chance to see how you handle that type of situation. The kids offered to show her their rooms, so she went with them upstairs for a bit. I invited her to join us for dinner (as I would with anyone who might have been around at that time of day), but she declined. Really - just keep it normal.

The interrogatories asked a lot of stuff, both about our marriage and the reasons for the divorce, and about the kids. Likes/dislikes, fears, activities we enjoy together, a typical school day vs a typical weekend day, favorite foods, typical meals I'd serve them, when I last shopped for/with them, their sizes, favorite books/songs/games, etc.

Be thorough. The questions about your marriage/divorce - try not to bash your stbx. Better to be matter of fact, and if there are aspects that you need to own - own them and acknowledge how you can/have changed that behavior. As stated above - none of us are perfect, and it's the rare situation where the breakdown of a marriage is solely one spouse's fault.

[chatsalot]

thank you for the information.

[Jyotsna]

When and why would it be necessary to have a custody evaluator, and how would you share information about spousal and child abuse?

[bobandjess99]

just remember that the custody evaluator is looking to see what is in the best interests of the KIDS. so how good someone was or wasn't as a spouse has much less to do with it than what the relationship with the kids is. She'll want to see the parenting relationship. You want to present yourself as the primary caregiver, if you are, and completely involved in their lives and bonded to them, etc. Familiarity is the biggest thing.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by Jyotsna

When and why would it be necessary to have a custody evaluator, and how would you share information about spousal and child abuse?

A custodial evaluator advises the court on what to order regarding custody/visitation, if that is in dispute. That could be at the outset of a divorce, when final custody has not yet been determined; or after some major change, like one parent relocating or a kid failing in school. It's considered an advantage when there are complicated issues, or a lot of conflicting he said/she said. The custodial evaluator can spend a longer time with each party; give the parents the MMPI (personality test) and also interview the child; observe the child's interaction with each parent; interview other members of the household; and even take statements from outside sources who might not be called to testify in court. In other words, the CE has the chance to get a deeper, more complete picture of the dynamics than a judge does. However, the judge is not in any way bound to follow the CE's advice. Often they DO, but it can be very frustrating, if you pay a lot of money to a CE, who advises that it's in the child's best interest for you to have sole custody, but then the judge gives custody to your ex anyway.

Usually one side or the other asks the court to order a custody evaluation and proposes whom they would like to do the eval., then the judge will order both parties to participate and often order them to split the cost. There is usually an additional fee, if you want the CE to actually come and testify before the judge at a custody hearing, rather than simply submitting a report to the court. The evaluation is NOT valid if only one parent participates in it, so no one should imagine that they'd win points by getting a CE to write an evaluation favorable to them, after only interviewing them and the child(ren). There ARE CE's who will do that, but they have little credibility with the court, for good reason.

A CE will ask you about your concerns and the reasons for the break-up of the marriage and the reasons you think you should have custody, giving you the opportunity to discuss abuse, if it's relevant. If you have substantiation of it - doctor's reports, witness statements, police reports, etc. - you may submit copies to him. Although:
* The CE has all the discretion in the world, as far as the weight they give to statements from outside sources (let's say a friend of yours who claims to have seen your ex punch you). If such a witness is important, find out if the CE will accept a phone call from them, so he can ask them questions. That may increase their credibility with him.
* Police Incident (rather than Investigation) Reports merely repeat the statements given to the officer and are NOT legal proof of anything and often not admissible in court. A CE will understand that.

The CE will also ask you questions to explore the consistency of your stories; whether the problems you report justify what you are requesting (such as reduced or supervised visitation); and whether you seem truthful and level-headed, or hysterical and exaggerating. Your ex will also have a chance to respond to anything you say and the CE is not supposed to be predisposed to believe the Mom, or to believe the first version of events he/she hears, as are so many people in the general public. So get your ducks in a row, if you're going that route.