"the Luxury"

[hipmummy]

Ok this is more of a vent than a question, but I am in need of some coping skills. I am a Sahm of an almost four and one year old. The almost four year old is very high need and requires a lot of home care. Since he was born I have been a SAHM who sometimes took a child or two in order to pay the utilities and or grocery bill. We live paycheck to paycheck, but we have no major debts (aside from a mortgage). My husband has worked at least two sometimes three jobs to make ends meet. So this means he is rarely home to help me or give me a minutes of me time.
So for the past 3 years my mother, who happens to live less than ten minutes away, never offers to help or even visit. I have to beg her to give me an hour or two. In fact if I did not call her, I do not think she would even come to see them. She feels that since I am a SAHM I should do it on my own (like she did:BS!!) both sets of grandparents would take us for sometimes weeks at a time! Anyway, My sister got pregnant last year and demanded my mother babysit so she could go back to work. So like clockwork when my sister went back after her ML my mother stopped working at her 80$ an hour paying job to watch my sisters child for free!! Five days a week 12 hours a day. BTW My BIL only works 5-6 hours a day..leaving plenty of room to get another job. I told my sister I was very hurt for three reasons 1. My mother rarely sees my children as it was and 2. She is over sixty and she is the main earner of my parents. 3. She is actually taking him to one of her jobs and is working the weekends to make up for the money she is losing by not working Mon-Fri.
I don't know who to be angrier with my mother for picking favorites or my sister and BIL for being so selfish. When we had the conversation my sister said she wishes she had the "luxury of being a Sahm". Luxury!! I wish I could work full time and have a free Nanny (not really) But even if I could work a few hours a week for my sanity!
When I approached my parents they said, "ooh is somebody jealous"? Does jealousy really apply here? How about fairness?? Why does everyone think that being a SAHM is a "Luxury"? Why do some WOHM’s get so much more support than us SAHMS?

[OkiMom]

Im sorry your family is being a pain. As for getting as much support it just isn't going to happen. Its like my husband's family, his two sisters have children (one is pregnant so will have a child) but neither is married so they help them a lot. When they lived near the sister that already has a child they use to babysit all the time, buy all the clothes/necessities for the child, always get extras for the child. Now that they move they call daily to check up on the girl and the sister lost primary custody to the father and moved to where my In-laws are and they do practically everything for her. They drive her all over the place, pay for her daughter's plane tickets to visit, get clothing and other things for both etc. With my second SIL they are planning on getting just about everything they can for the baby (carseat, stroller, bottles, formula etc) and pay for her to visit them.
With our children I got a box of outfits. My MIL visited with the first since at the time my BIL had a job at the airlines and she got to fly free. She spent 4 days and ended up going back early because my SIL needed her. My second child we lived in another country so I never thought she would visit. When we do visit them we pay (it costs us nearly 8000 in plane tickets to visit them so it doesn't happen much), we pay for all entertainment, they rarely get things for the girls even when they buy for their cousin right in front of them. When I mentioned it to my MIL (because I saw DD getting upset that grandma would rather talk on the phone than to her) she told me I had a happy marriage and my children had two good parents so they don't need her like her other grandchildren do..
I try not to compare anymore. It just leads to me being upset. When the girls get older Ill talk to them about money not equaling love. I have talked to both my In-laws about spending time with the girls and talking to them over the phone and they really have tried to get better at it. My FIL adores my girls, thinks they are the most fun kids hes been with in a really long time, so he makes up for my MIL ignoring them at times.

I guess thats my long winded way of saying its not going to get any better so you really need to either separate yourself from the situation or ignore it. Ive found that WOHM do sometimes get more support than SAHM and almost always get more sympathy because they have to take care of the kids and work. Its just how life is so getting upset over it isn't going to help, although I find a nice boxing workout really gets out the aggression.. Or you can tell your mom that ok, want to watch my two so I can go get a part time job and have a break Just kidding but I would be so tempted just to see her face.

[provocativa]

my mom behaved similarly. i was going to write out my whole heartbreaking story, but having btdt my advice is to distance yourself from your mom. i don't know why my mom did what she did, honestly i think birth order had something to do with it (i was concieved when he was only 3 months old, and made life much harder for her). it makes me cry every time i think about it, i am so sorry that you are going through it too.

as for the luxury thing, sometimes i just tell people that no, it's not a luxury, my husband only makes 30 grand a year but i am smarter than you, and can figure out how to live on it!

[Sharlla]

well for people like us who are low income, there is no point in dh working because his whole check would go to childcare
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[hotmamacita]

you have to blow off the luxury comments

[Viola]

Originally Posted by hipmummy

When I approached my parents they said, "ooh is somebody jealous"? Does jealousy really apply here? How about fairness??

I would say, "Honestly I *am* a bit envious that Sis has the luxury of going back to work because she has a good, but free, daycare provider. I would never have asked you to quit your job and work for me for free the way she did. I didn't realize that was a possibility. How is it possible not to notice the unfairness of it all?"

But that would do no good, in my experience. The words would get twisted around to make you look like you are demanding and always starting fights.

I'm sorry.

[accountclosed3]

i would say "yes, i am jealous." because, quite frankly, that is a part of it. and there's nothing wrong with that.

you are jealous that your mom was willing to quit her job to take care of your sister's kid. you're jealous that your BIL only works a few hours a day, that your sister goes back to work, and that they get free child care.

you are also frustrated about it, about the fact that your DH works many hours and isn't home with his family as much as you (both he and you probably) would like, and that you have two children and no time out for yourself.

so, yeah, is somebody jealous? yes. but that doesn't make you a bad person. it is unfair, and silly, and even mean for them to act like your sister deserves this help and you do not.

but, on the flip side, what i learned from some of my family relationships where things were similar is that they felt that we could handle it, whereas the other siblings "needed their help!" what is ironic in these situations is that the reality is often different. for example, SIL earns more money than we do (currently) and lives in an area with a similar, or slightly lower, cost of living. but she is always "broke" and so they send her money, care packages of stuff (laundry detergent and the like, truly! gift cards to trader joes and the like), clothes, you name it. she just has to support herself and a dog. DH and i support ourselves and our son. we live so simply, and we love it, but it's so annoying for the ILs to go "oh, you don't need the money!" and then give that money to SIL to blow on her ex boyfriend's drug issues.

seriously, it is frustrating, but sometimes it's about perception. "she needs our help and you don't!" it may not be fair, but it is what it is. and honestly, i don't need their help. it would be nice sometimes, but it's not necessary.

[lookatreestar]

i def. understand but honestly i wouldn't have it any other way. my kids are attached to me, and yes they like their grandparents but i have never had an issue with my parents having to discipline my kids and i'd like to keep it that way. (where as dn is like a daughter to my mom, and their attachment/favoritism is quite clear).

that said my sis is a single parent (by choice really) and she needed the help more than i do/did. but with your situation, i can't believe her dh hasn't stepped up more and hopefully you parents retirement situation is squared away. my mom ended up having to go back to work and dn is in daycare now (another family friend) so all is well. my mom still doesn't visit often and talks about dn anytime i say a word about my dd (they are close in age)

also my dh is gone at 2 jobs so i totally get it.

[Mummoth]

My mom offered to my sister and cousin that if their kids were sick, she'd be their back-up for daycare. My other sister and I are SAHM's and have always watched our own kids when they were sick, and when we ourselves were sick! I was a single SAHM for a few years, and she had said not to count on her for babysitting... when I had a court date or Dr.s appointment, I had to scramble for childcare. Luckily, she realized she wasn't being fair & took back her offer to the WOHM's... she'll babysit when any of us want to go do something fun (not a guarantee, of course but only ask her if we're going to do something fun) and our birthday presents are that she'll take our kids for a weekend... is it almost June yet?

[hipmummy]

Thanks for all the advice I think I am in a better place with this whole situation. I am jealous and very hurt and there is nothing I can do to change it. It is what is and I have to look the other way so it does not get the best of me.

[BabyMae09]

Originally Posted by hipmummy

Ok this is more of a vent than a question, but I am in need of some coping skills. I am a Sahm of an almost four and one year old. The almost four year old is very high need and requires a lot of home care. Since he was born I have been a SAHM who sometimes took a child or two in order to pay the utilities and or grocery bill. We live paycheck to paycheck, but we have no major debts (aside from a mortgage). My husband has worked at least two sometimes three jobs to make ends meet. So this means he is rarely home to help me or give me a minutes of me time.
So for the past 3 years my mother, who happens to live less than ten minutes away, never offers to help or even visit. I have to beg her to give me an hour or two. In fact if I did not call her, I do not think she would even come to see them. She feels that since I am a SAHM I should do it on my own (like she did:BS!!) both sets of grandparents would take us for sometimes weeks at a time! Anyway, My sister got pregnant last year and demanded my mother babysit so she could go back to work. So like clockwork when my sister went back after her ML my mother stopped working at her 80$ an hour paying job to watch my sisters child for free!! Five days a week 12 hours a day. BTW My BIL only works 5-6 hours a day..leaving plenty of room to get another job. I told my sister I was very hurt for three reasons 1. My mother rarely sees my children as it was and 2. She is over sixty and she is the main earner of my parents. 3. She is actually taking him to one of her jobs and is working the weekends to make up for the money she is losing by not working Mon-Fri.
I don't know who to be angrier with my mother for picking favorites or my sister and BIL for being so selfish. When we had the conversation my sister said she wishes she had the "luxury of being a Sahm". Luxury!! I wish I could work full time and have a free Nanny (not really) But even if I could work a few hours a week for my sanity!
When I approached my parents they said, "ooh is somebody jealous"? Does jealousy really apply here? How about fairness?? Why does everyone think that being a SAHM is a "Luxury"? Why do some WOHM’s get so much more support than us SAHMS?

Wow. Your Mom sounds like someone who really *shouldn't* be around your kids. But I get needing the me time. And the comment about being jealous was totally out of line.

[MissinNYC]

I think that as much as it's unkind of her and playing favorites, it's your mom's choice who she watches and when and why. It certainly doesn't sound fair, and I'd be livid and jealous, too, but you're not entitled to her watching your kids, SAH or not. I don't think you can approach it in any way other than "Mom, it hurts me that you spend so much time with X's kids and not much with mine. Is there some way we can figure out a time for you to spend time with Z and W?"