after being in utter denial about the state of our marriage for the past six weeks (while we've been separated and i've been telling him i want a divorce), stbx has come to terms with it and says he wants to reach a mutual agreement and just file, to avoid a court battle.
a little background, skip the gray text if you don't need it. we have two young children. he was the sahp. ds1 has been attending preschool since fall, two days a week and then went to three days in feb. that is all day (so like 30 hours a week). ds2 started attending in june. as of this week, they are there full time. stbx started woh late june. so far, i pay all bills. he has never contributed to child care expenses, groceries, utilities.
the boys and i are currently staying elsewhere because i needed to get away from him, and he wasn't going to leave our home. we have no equity in our home. i plan to keep it. he is fine with that. he doesn't want the responsibility.
i have part ownership in a family business. it's a start-up and i owe my father my buy-in for my shares, so essentially this is a liability, not an asset, although i will talk with our controller about how the value of the business is determined and will talk with the attorney who drew up all the papers when we incorporated. i do know that there is no way he can get my shares. that was part of the way the business was structured - he would be entitled to half their value but could never take ownership of them. he signed off on that.
so this is what he wants:
eow but he doesn't actually intend to use that in the near future. he says he would probably just take them for the day on his saturday, and that's it. i suggested one evening each week for 2-3 hours, so they would see him more frequently, but said it has to be consistent. he said that sounds good but he wasn't sure if he would be available because doesn't know what his work schedule will be.
wants some money to start over. i explained that we don't really have any equity or anything else - we have debt. he said, "yeah but we have a lot of stuff and i'm not taking it" because he's going to be in a roommate situation for a little while, doesn't need much and doesn't have room for it. he is taking his massive record collection and all his music equipment, which is pretty much the only thing of value (in that you can sell it for a decent amount of cash - he has a LOT of instruments and recording gear, much of which i purchased). our household possessions are second-hand or ikea, nothing valuable. he thinks he should get this chunk of cash. i'm like, from where? we have bills. we don't have savings. and what does he need money for? nothing, just because he feels entitled to it.
doesn't want to pay any child support or anything toward child care or medical expenses. i don't think a judge will approve that.
wants to be able to continue therapy which of course i think is good, in the best interest of our kids, but not sure it's in any way my obligation to pay for that (his copays). currently he is on my insurance. i don't know how long he would be allowed to remain on my insurance or whether he would qualify for state insurance once our divorce is final.
so - i know i just posted i wouldn't give up child support (something my kids are entitled to) but after reading the thread more, sole legal custody sounds pretty awesome. i have no "chunk of money" for him, so there's no way i can give him that. i don't know if he can stay on my insurance. i agree with the visitation schedule. this whole child support thing is the only place where i can offer a compromise in exchange for sole legal. for the next 12 months, i would need my parents' help to make ends meet, until ds1 starts kindergarten. they are willing to help me (and it would be less $$$ than a court battle, which they would also be helping me with because seriously as a single mama i don't have the money). if i ended up in a bad financial position down the road, and he was doing well for himself, i suppose i could ask for that to be changed. oh yeah, of course i also want to claim them on my taxes. i don't give a crap about holidays, but i suppose my kids will. anything else i should ask for? what are your thoughts about giving up child support / daycare / medical . . . i ran the calculator and he would be ordered to pay about $700-$800 per month under the current circumstances if this went to court (which would be lowered as child care costs go down).
a little background, skip the gray text if you don't need it. we have two young children. he was the sahp. ds1 has been attending preschool since fall, two days a week and then went to three days in feb. that is all day (so like 30 hours a week). ds2 started attending in june. as of this week, they are there full time. stbx started woh late june. so far, i pay all bills. he has never contributed to child care expenses, groceries, utilities.
the boys and i are currently staying elsewhere because i needed to get away from him, and he wasn't going to leave our home. we have no equity in our home. i plan to keep it. he is fine with that. he doesn't want the responsibility.
i have part ownership in a family business. it's a start-up and i owe my father my buy-in for my shares, so essentially this is a liability, not an asset, although i will talk with our controller about how the value of the business is determined and will talk with the attorney who drew up all the papers when we incorporated. i do know that there is no way he can get my shares. that was part of the way the business was structured - he would be entitled to half their value but could never take ownership of them. he signed off on that.
so this is what he wants:
eow but he doesn't actually intend to use that in the near future. he says he would probably just take them for the day on his saturday, and that's it. i suggested one evening each week for 2-3 hours, so they would see him more frequently, but said it has to be consistent. he said that sounds good but he wasn't sure if he would be available because doesn't know what his work schedule will be.
wants some money to start over. i explained that we don't really have any equity or anything else - we have debt. he said, "yeah but we have a lot of stuff and i'm not taking it" because he's going to be in a roommate situation for a little while, doesn't need much and doesn't have room for it. he is taking his massive record collection and all his music equipment, which is pretty much the only thing of value (in that you can sell it for a decent amount of cash - he has a LOT of instruments and recording gear, much of which i purchased). our household possessions are second-hand or ikea, nothing valuable. he thinks he should get this chunk of cash. i'm like, from where? we have bills. we don't have savings. and what does he need money for? nothing, just because he feels entitled to it.
doesn't want to pay any child support or anything toward child care or medical expenses. i don't think a judge will approve that.
wants to be able to continue therapy which of course i think is good, in the best interest of our kids, but not sure it's in any way my obligation to pay for that (his copays). currently he is on my insurance. i don't know how long he would be allowed to remain on my insurance or whether he would qualify for state insurance once our divorce is final.
so - i know i just posted i wouldn't give up child support (something my kids are entitled to) but after reading the thread more, sole legal custody sounds pretty awesome. i have no "chunk of money" for him, so there's no way i can give him that. i don't know if he can stay on my insurance. i agree with the visitation schedule. this whole child support thing is the only place where i can offer a compromise in exchange for sole legal. for the next 12 months, i would need my parents' help to make ends meet, until ds1 starts kindergarten. they are willing to help me (and it would be less $$$ than a court battle, which they would also be helping me with because seriously as a single mama i don't have the money). if i ended up in a bad financial position down the road, and he was doing well for himself, i suppose i could ask for that to be changed. oh yeah, of course i also want to claim them on my taxes. i don't give a crap about holidays, but i suppose my kids will. anything else i should ask for? what are your thoughts about giving up child support / daycare / medical . . . i ran the calculator and he would be ordered to pay about $700-$800 per month under the current circumstances if this went to court (which would be lowered as child care costs go down).
jen! i can't wait for your current mess to be over so you can start holding him accountable. i agree that stbx is obligated to support his children, and they are entitled to his financial support. i'm just trying to weigh whether it would be equally beneficial to them to have no financial support from him, in exchange for their functional parent having sole legal. idk.
